Lonely Again, but Pretending Not To Be

This morning was FABULOUS.

I was wearing the yellow shirt that makes me happy, plus pants that make me happy, plus shoes that make me happy, plus I was happy. Clothes mean a lot to me. Go vanity! {But seriously, whenever I don't have to worry about my clothes, life is easier. Try it. Unless you're a guy. Don't be weird.}

So I got on the bus, and then Liberty did too, and he was wearing his satchel of Liberty that Georgie and I took great pains to create for his birthday. He was sitting a couple of seats away which meant I couldn't talk to him one-on-one, but when he sat down I caught his eye and smiled really wide. Which meant, Hey, thanks for not thinking it was ugly or weird or you know, and I wonder if the red fabric paint still looks pink.

I didn't get to check. But it made me smile, and even though the boys took over the conversation and I just sat around like what the heck are you talking about, I kept catching Liberty's eye and smiling. It's nice when someone knows you're watching them and smiles back. Woo!
Then I went to school, and classes, and I had fun in band with my fellow flautists. {Is that how you spell it? Floutists? Flutists? Um.} ANYWAYS, English came and went where Seattle sat right behind me and talked and joked with me when we were having that weird recorded country voice telling us Tom Sawyer. During PE I paired up with Sparrow, which was much better than realizing that nobody wanted to be pair up with me. I like taking matters into my own hands ...

But I couldn't do much about that at lunch, when I sat with friends and among friends and screamed at Blaund because He is Back. But then, friends and friends left and I was suddenly
the
only

one
there.

It felt super awkward and lonely and I just sat there wondering what to do. I took out the gum that August gave me for Christmas. It is special gum, which means I can only take it out for super special occasions and I have to write the date and reason. I know, I know. OCD.

So I wrote the date and then I wrote

Lonely again, but pretending to be happy. 

Which was just depressing, so I left against my wishes to go hide and cry by myself to go to the room where everybody was going to be, because our old English teacher was putting on Lord of the Rings. I didn't see the point of going there if it was just going to be stupid and lonely like it always was.

Which, of course, was just my good luck that today was the one day the English teacher didn't put on Lord of the Rings, and my friends had disappeared to who-know's-where. Like when Danica and Hobbs passed me in the hallway at lunch when I was wandering around looking for people, yet they didn't say hi to me even though Hobbs caught my eye. But who can blame them? I've been untouchable lately and kind of dangerous. Who knows how I might explode? Just because I've changed my attitude doesn't mean they did.

And that's the reason why I stayed behind with my clarinet sort-of-friend and cut out hearts because she was heart-attacking someone's locker. She didn't ask me to. I wasn't obliged to.

But like I said, I changed my attitude. 

If I put on a happy mask for too long, it might just melt into the real me.

(:

Starry Night 3: Stars

My Mom, now, asks me what I did at Danica's house. I guess it's worth asking. I got there ate like two thirty and I left there at nearly eight. But it was--oh my goodness it was so good. And although I told my mom that we didn't do much, it meant so much to me. 

'Cause we just lay there on the floor talking and being punny and laughing and talking about things with wings. We just sat on the couch and I played Halo with Hobbs, which was hilarious 'cause he kept killing me and I kept being super confused but laughing still. We just drew on Hobbs' chalkboard wall, and played with Danica's little sister, and ate candy and sat on Danica's bed in silence and talked about cute baby books and oh my goodness played with toys. 

But I'm going back there again someday, mind or no. Right now I'm sitting next to Danica with her little sister's arm around me, watching The Happy Family {boys+Barbies=what the heck} on YouTube. Right now I'm, yup, playing Halo.

Right now, I'm standing on a fold-up brown chair in Hobbs' room drawing on his wall, and sometimes I'll be writing something and Danica will just stand back and I'll feel her eyes on me. 

Like next to her picture of Saturn. Tell me, did you sail across the sun? And on the hot air balloon that was the first thing almost that I drew. I'll be out of my mind. And by the grass she said was green. Grass is for sitting, not eating. {Yeah Danica.}

And she tells me when I'm drawing stars at the top that I should listen to a song that I haven't found the time for yet. And some of those lyrics ...


Of all the stars out tonight
You shine brighter

Then I'll sneak onto her computer to leave her a note in a tab I hope nobody's closed yet. I'll sneak a look at her mirror because there are the two glittery stars that were my crappy Christmas present. 

We're sitting on the couch watching Phineas and Ferb and I can see her eyes shining brighter than any stars. Her parents drive me home and we chat but she's sucking her lip and I saw the sad smile on her face when I drew a star on my window like I always do, for her. That smile, sweeter than any laundry basket*.

*Which, according to Danica, taste like plastic. I have yet to affirm this, because I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to lick your friends' laundry baskets.



So I say nothing as we hold our breath and joke about stuff on the way back and I almost forget to lean over and give her a hug. I don't want her to cry because of me. Because I know one thing.

Hope is a citrus constellation in the galaxy scratched at the back of both my eyelids that I've been dying to see ... 

But I guess I've finally opened my eyes. Because there are stars all over Danica's room. My sticky notes are on her wall and so are my drawings and she has a box on the top shelf of my letters and she says that she's got a favorite. I realized something--that these previous nights, I've been crying because I miss things. I miss so much. 

I missed me. 

But I'm back now. I'm ready to shine, because I know someone out there will see.

And there are those little promises, too. Those little things I know I can and want to do. Like write Georgie a birthday song. Go skating for my birthday with ALL of my friends. Inside jokes aplenty that Danica, Hobbs and I are going to do on Monday. And someone has to go to China to bring Danica back a star.

Not that she isn't one already.

Possibly Not the Rain

Hobbs raised his eyebrow. "You want it to rain for a week?"

"Just to get rid of the snow," I said then ... but now, it's kind of not so bad to think about all this snow. After all, it's that lovely kind of freshness that's been coming down all day, so instead of sitting there at the month-old white {or not so white now} stuff on the ground thinking GO THE FREAK AWAY, you are eating it. Which, of course, is delicious.

Delicious being much better than annoyed, too. I'm getting tired of wearing boots all the time.

So today I went outside 'cause my mom wanted me to. This is another proof that basically anything your mom tells you to do is very good for you, no matter how much you think it will be, which usually isn't much. Moms can prove you wrong. Generally this is realized many years after they tell you to do something, but today it was proved almost instantly.

See, I have a friend named Ameli, and I haven't talked with her for a while, so she came out of her house {we live close by} and we started helping my little sister dig a little igloo. {Almost said cave there. What's wrong with my vocabulary?}

Then we went sledding. We haven't gone sledding since December, and I basically haven't had any friend time with Ameli this whole year. So we went sledding, and it was in the dark too, which was pretty dang SWEET!!!!

Then Ameli would say something like "I have an idea!" 

So I'd be on my stomach on one sled and Ameli would do the same on another and we'd put our arms around each other's backs to hold on, and my little sister laid across both of us, and then we pushed off and kind of flew. 

It's weird. You can fly on the ground. You can fly in your sleep. You can fly a plane. As long as it's you who gets you there, you can basically do anything you want.