"The End"

Well, I'm sorry for posting to much today, but I just have to get these feelings out of my brain and I realized that I hadn't told you the story of Seattle and Me yet, which would help to clarify the feelings I'm feeling right now. Which is a lot of feeling, but it's true.

So these past days of school have been pretty sad, mostly because on the very last day of school, everyone went around playing cards and acting like it wasn't the last day--even the sun sets in paradise--and that's why I was being me.

And now I'm causing a scene ... need a reason to smile ...

But I spent all of yesterday, my first day of summer vacation, finding all the pictures of me and my friends that I could and making a slideshow. And even though I didn't get all the memories, I feel like I captured it pretty well.

It was funny because last night at Kahler's, the only people who weren't playing soccer and therefore actually watched the slideshow were Nash, Danica, Liberty and Stephen. Orqua came in halfway because presumably she heard the music, but anyhoo.

We stopped the movie halfway and it felt like a secret {haha} because we were the only ones who knew the movie had stopped because everyone was busy playing soccer and chasing down Seattle, who isn't really Seattle if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, but I felt like Seattle was sitting with me when I watched the slideshow for about the millionth time.

It was playing to Daylight by Maroon 5, and Liberty groaned. "Why did you play this song? I hate it."

"Yeah, why'd you pick this song?" asked Stephen.


It fit.

And even though Sunburn by Owl City might have fit better--I tried not to cry as we said goodbye but I shed a tear as you disappeared 'cause now I'm a stranger on the ground--it doesn't, actually. Daylight played through my head the entire day long but I realized, although I titled the slideshow "The End," it was wrong, because this isn't the end, this isn't the end, this is just the pause between memories and the three words I wrote on the last slide:

To Be Continued

"Maybe It's Just Me"

Sometimes I have these flashbacks.

I'm standing in the kitchen last night thinking "I can't believe it was yesterday," because the last day of school seems forever ago, even though I can remember it clearly. It's just ... maybe I've spent so much time dreaming that I can't remember real life.

I'm in Kahler's backyard watching a movie in a language I speak and missing the times when I used to do that with my family.

I'm sitting on a stone table writing in my journal and looking out at the view--the field and the sun through the maple leaves that light up like seaweed and the row of trees and beyond them, the blue of the mountains reflecting the sky. It's weird how I hardly stop to enjoy nature anymore, because I'm too busy creating things of my own.

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go with them to play soccer or something I can't recall now, but I had a split second decision and said "No."

"You should learn how to say no," I told someone last night.

"I never give in to peer pressure," said Fortune another time.

I'm sitting alone on the grass. "We're best friends so it's okay," says Nash, or Danica, because they're both huddling in the blankets together.

I grab Danica's hand to write I'm living in the past, because I still haven't realized. "You're freaking cold," she exclaims, and I smile to myself.

My hands are cold ... and I'm on my knees looking for the answer ...

I'm on my knees and they're getting grass stains but that's okay because I'm faking writing in my journal just so I won't look as lonely as I feel in the pit of me right now, because nobody's invited me to share the warmth of the blankets and I'm not sure I want to. 

And right now, I'm listening to a song that Seattle and I call "The Liar Song," but I bet he doesn't even remember that or care to.

Yes, my hands are cold, and I flashback to a moment when Seattle shined a laser light into my eyes and I remembered when he used to flash his watch at me and do just that, only the sunshine is gone right now.

Vanessa hugs me and mistakes me for Georgie, who she's been hanging out with all night, and I say it's fine when she pretty much screams "I'm so sorry!!!!"

"I guess it's just me," I say and I'm not sure if anybody hears me.

I have to leave and Danica hugs me. "You're not good at this, are you?"

"What, leaving? I leave all the time," I say, but the pit grows wider because I'm always the one who stays while everyone else leaves.

A Little Less Blah

Something strange that happens to me a lot is that I'll wake up and spontaneously have this song stuck in my head for no reason. The song changes, and sometimes I can connect it with my day.

Today it was Crush by David Archuleta:

I hung up the phone tonight, something happened for the first time
Deep inside, what a rush, what a rush
There's a possibility, that you could ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, it's just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized so mesmerized and I just got to know ...

I'm not going to put in the rest here because this isn't a lyric site {haha, you'd be mislead} but I was thinking about how sometimes I feel that way and right now the feeling is coming back.

Anyway, today was a blah day. Meaning that nothing important happened. In fact, it probably sucked if you hold it against all my other days {huh, weird}.

Maybe that's because I was a little stuck in the past. I went back through my old journal yesterday and found out that last year on this day a lot of happy things happened {as well as one unhappy thing: my science class dissected frogs. Yuck}. And I was trying to bring them into my life right now. At lunch I had strawberries like I did this day last year, and I was going to go up to an old friend and make a reference to it, but then I didn't because I realized he probably wouldn't remember.

So I didn't play soccer and sat on the grass in the little rain eating oranges with Georgie and Tangorine and Nash. Danica lay her head on my lap and we talked and wrote on each other's hands and had a blah day.


But I like it that way. Because I realize that right now I might not be feeling a lot of things I used to feel, but at least I'm feeling something, and that's a passion for the future. I may have failed my shuttle run but I'll do better next time. My umbrella may have broken but I'll find a new one for tomorrow. And Danica was asking me where we should go at the end of the year and I told her somewhere fun and she said "but you don't like that place" {or wrote it on my hand anyway} and it's true that I don't. Or didn't. But some things kind of grow on you.

And I realize that with the bad memories in places and people it's okay because you can make new ones. Those were the words I was looking for with Danica at lunch today.

So it rained on the bus ride home and I didn't talk to Seattle. Instead I talked to Kahler and we made plans for the future. And I'm ... excited. Because today might be a blah day, but there's always tomorrow.

Orange Lollipops and Whoo!

Today was another good day. It's kind of strange how all of a sudden you look up and realize that the sun is shining.

Or that it's raining. Which it was today. But I didn't mind at all because who doesn't want a free shower? Besides, rain is the best weather ever, and I realize that's why I have issues singing sad songs about the rain. Which is good because I know so many good songs about the rain. 

Umm, I'll just rant now ...

But anyway, it has been awesome. First of all there was TAing with Georgie, and half the time we were just sitting there on the floor next to each other but that's okay because we're the kind of friends who don't always have to have something to fill the silence. And in US History we watched a movie, which was boring, but at least it gave me some time to learn a lot about Abraham Lincoln ... as well as time to seriously wake up and enjoy myself.

Like in French, how my old language teacher came in and started batting my bangs around my face {he usually acts like he's six} and I whacked him. Or tried to. -_- And then I got an orange lollipop {not for whacking my teacher, sadly}. 

Here, have one.

At lunch I talked with Nash and Georgie and we wandered around, lost Nash, and then found her again while it was raining. Then Danica snuck up on us and we all just stood there with our feet in a square with the rain falling fresh down on us {how can you have stale rain? Unless it's acid rain, eew}. And it was the nicest feeling, not to mention that we had a redhead, a brunette, a blond and me. Which is always nice, even though I'm not choosing my friends just for hair color ... I promise I'm not! I'm not!!!!

*ahem* So in Science I got another orange lollipop, which was funny because both times I didn't have any choice on the flavor of the lollipop. It was entertaining and relaxing and then on the bus ride home Seattle ended up across from me and I would have little side conversations with him while everyone else was loudly discussing something and we were driving down the freeway {or highway?} when he said "I wish I had a grenade to throw at that car and see what happens."

"Uhh, yeah, grenades just make flowers sprout on the windshield," I said sarcastically, which is kind of how I say everything.

{EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVerythinnnnnnng.}

Anyway, then he did this hand motion and said "Whoo!" which I made fun of him for. And he started laughing and turned all red-like, which is all his fault because he makes fun of my noises ALL THE TIME! So I spent the time saying "Whoo!" and I get a grin every time I do now, too, because I said that I'd make fun of him for that forever.

Then Georgie called me and we had another hour-or-so-long talk and we talked about how this summer we're gonna hang out as much as possible and add more to our before summer ends list and knock 'em all off.

And you know, the future doesn't seem so scary anymore.

Capture the Sunshine

NOTE: These aren't my mountains. :(

This morning Georgie and I were having another day of standing there in semi-awkward silence wondering what to do with ourselves and the words that were apparently just going to have issues coming out of our mouths. "Wanna go out in the hall?" she asked, for no particular reason.

So I followed her out there ready to write in my journal but then we went to the window and the sun was rising over this little town and you could see it streaming through the mountains to light up a particular swathe* of trees.

*Don't mind me. I must've eaten a dictionary or something.

It was gorgeous, and she pulled out her camera to capture it. And that ended in us taking more pictures of my pen balancing skills, our shadows, people's legs {by accident} and ... it was nice. That kind of nice when you're super tired and you just woke from one of the best dreams ever and want to go back to sleep and live in that world instead ... but realize that this one is fine, too.

'Cause today at lunch I really played soccer for the first time in a while and didn't give up and walk away like I did yesterday. I didn't care when I didn't get the ball, and I didn't care when I did. I just had fun either way, which was ... fun, for a change. 

And the best part was how I had little muttered conversations with Fortune whom I haven't talked to in a while. Since he's a soccer pro I ended up sprinting for the soccer ball but danged it into the fence, and now I have a scrape on my foot. But it's cool having this green and red polka dot band-aid from Danica. {The last one was at the assembly.} And then I got to talk to Fortune some more on the way to Science. I hate it when my friends don't talk to me for long periods of time and it's nice to fix that.

During lunch and Science I talked a lot with August and Danica, too, as well as Nash and Souri and Kahler and Blaund and ... it was awesome.

So ... that's my story of today. Like how my dream included talking and laughing with Seattle and Stephen and Fortune on the bus and it happened in real life, which just goes to show that dreams come true.

A Very Important Life Lesson

I would put this on the WILT column and probably will, but I just gotta say that one thing you have to do in order to fix anything is to make sure you have both sides figured out. 

I'm going on a metaphor here, but things do break and if you just try and push one side the other side will be nudged away. You have to have a hold of both, especially if they're fragile like any living thing.

This especially goes with fights. Lately there have been quite a bit in my life lately, best friends between best friends. So maybe not necessarily best friends or not necessarily fights, but good friends and the kind of silent treatment or misunderstanding that makes you lose your footing and your tears to your pillow.

This week, Nash and Danica, the most inseparable best friends ever, had some misunderstandings. But since I was an outsider, I managed to talk to both of them and found out that they just wanted the other person to talk to them, "but she's not talking to me!". It was ... not funny because they didn't realize that their best friend wanted the same thing they did and nobody made a first move 'cause they thought the other person was ignoring them.

But they got over it. And that's like me and Georgie. We haven't been fighting, but we've been getting more and more apart because we didn't know what went wrong but something did ... but just now over gmail chat and letters we realized it's been the same thing that's wrong with us: we both think it's our fault.

When in reality it's nobody's.

I'm not saying this will always be the case, but a lot of the time you just have to take a walk in someone else's shoes. Even if they are big or small or flashy or drab or broken-in or new or whatever. There's always more you can find out ... more that will teach you how to put yourselves together again. Don't be blind.

Don't Look Back

Georgie and I pass around a notebook and in it is a mood graph. There are all these little circle faces with mood labels and lines connecting them, and we make a dot on a line wherever we are at a certain time. So like if I was sort of happy, I'd put the dot on the line in between happy and neutral, say, and if I was depressed, it would probably be at the intersection of lonely, nostalgic and sad. 

My point is that moods mix up a lot, especially in one day. Things are never clean-cut in life, and sometimes you have to draw the fine lines yourself.

Like today, for example.

As I wrote in my journal during second period, it was a blah day, because it had been so far. The only interesting thing was that Georgie taught me the cup stuff that goes along with When I'm Gone. Oh yeah, and then during French I freaked out and got all shy and nervous during my final and stuttered a lot and forgot all my French preparations. But luckily for me, I had practiced a bit and am okay with puzzling out things.

During lunch though, everything kind of dipped. I went up to the lunch place and found that Georgie was busy talking with Nash. I turned to Vanessa, but she was overly cheerful as she criticized my cup-tapping skills and showed off hers. Then Blaund came to tap cups with her, and I walked away singing to myself:

When I'm gone, when I'm gooooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me everywhere
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I didn't know where I was going. Nobody followed me. I dumped my backpack in the Science building when Souri caught up with me. "Hey," she said.

We wandered, and I sang internally

When I'm gone, when I'm goooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk, you're gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I remember how Souri used to be really annoying. I mean, she's always been quiet and shy and kind, but she used to be super stubborn and wouldn't take your way, and the annoying thing is that she'd be smiling the whole time. I've always envied her ability to always be smiling, but it bugged me that she always did her own stuff, too. 

But now, Souri is kind and sweet and all the good things. She's lost that stubborn streak, although she will speak up for things she really believes in. So thinking about the old Souri, I realize I can't judge her on that, just like I hope people don't judge me on the weirdo I was that I sometimes am now. 

Don't look back.

And in Science, finding rhymes for a skit with Danica and Nash, I had the most fun in Science than I have had in a long while. So I was smiling even though I was kinda hungry and stuff ... you know. And then in my dance class, I was the one my teacher chose to stand up first and be all strong-like walking slowly forward. I had good fun in places I didn't expect it, and somehow the morning's blah faded away.

Don't look back.

The Eyes and I's it Takes to Realize

"There are some lessons you have to learn the hard way," Georgie agrees with me when we talk about seventh grade and how it went wrong. 

For her, it was Di. For me, it was the matter of finding me and a place I was comfortable in. And that didn't finish until around this time last year. One of the reasons was that me and Nash went down a really rocky road, started by me.

You've got to understand two things. The first is that I was over dramaticizing everything as usual, and thinking that I had it worse off than I really did. I had no best friend back then and nobody real to talk to, and my guy problems {or guy problem, should I say} was being an issue to. 

The second is that Nash is pretty much the perfect person. She's beautiful and talented and a great singer {which comes with talented} and sweet and basically, everything. So although her naturally amazing person had done nothing to upset me, I chose her to pour the blame on. And once she read what I wrote, she didn't yell back like I wanted her to {I guess I just wanted someone to feel sorry for me}. Instead it was mostly a time of sadness and me looking in the mirror and hating me more than usual. 

Nowadays, me and Nash are, in her words, "Closer than we've ever been." That's true, because last year although there hadn't been anything really between us, it was sort of strange since she wasn't as close of a friend as we had been in elementary school. But then some things happened that opened our eyes.

So that story just ties into what I want to talk about today--realizing things. Learning a lesson the second time because you were too stupid to remember what it taught you the first time. That moment when you sigh and smile at the same time because it's finally solved.

Like the moment I had last night.

So yesterday was something I didn't really want to talk about it because while I watched The Tenth Kingdom with Literally, Nash, Vanessa, Georgie and Blaund at Kahler's house, I felt really down and sad and annoyed and frustrated that I never got anything. I'm not going to go much into it because I already ranted in my journal, those pages I want to tear out now because I get it.

My lesson for today is that you should never forget anything that something or somebody teaches you, because you're going to need it again someday.

Fall Down Seven, Stand Up Eight

Aah, so you see, this assembly dance is probably going to end up frustrating you as much as it does me, but for entirely different reasons.

Not that I'm frustrated with it anymore. Georgie and our long phone calls have helped me to see that ... you know, it's going well. 

It's amazing how much we've been through. I can't believe that the dance crew & I have gone this far. We've had to make the dance, pick a song, teach it to people, find time to teach it to people {not necessarily in that order} and all this JUNK. But ... it's great to know that we're good enough to keep going on and, you know, not give up. And I'm so thankful to Vanessa, Danica, and Nash, my fellow teachers. I'm so thankful towards people like Greni and Reta who believe in the dance enough to be dance it too.

Ugh, I'm so excited. I can't believe that I'm happy today, because lately everything has been so crazy. But today all of my stress has gone away. I've figured out what's going on during freshman year. I've realized that even if it's only me {and Georgie; I know she won't give up either} dancing on Friday ... I'll be happy. I'll still be proud.

And today ... it's been so amazing. It's like a gift from whoever's in charge that I should finally get some time to relax and stop yelling at people with this sore throat of mine {sickness-induced, probably not stress-induced but who knows?}. 

Anyway, today's been such a great day. Like I said before, I can finally sit back and think ... that was fun. Like how I stopped worrying about things every single moment of the day, and I started having fun. I talked with Seattle and had fun with my friends, and, well, got the most out of my day.


Like how Ase is in Seattle right now at a music fest. Well, if I was in Seattle {promise I'm going to Washington someday} I'd sing.

Because I am a mountaineer. I've climbed mountains, if you think about it. And the view from the top is great, but Miley Cyrus was right. It's the climb.

{Although they aren't really mountains where I come from, they're moun'ns.}

The Ones I'd Throw Candy At

By now you are certainly acquainted with the fact that the student representatives and I are making a dance for the upcoming assembly. Well, not just student reps, I guess, but many other people besides. Our teacher/dance in-charge-person group includes Georgie, Danica, Vanessa, Kyle, Nash, and Tangorine.

Anyways, today has basically been all about that. Okay, sure, Seattle invited me to a soccer game {haha, and only me as far as I know} that I don't know if I can make tonight. But still, there's nothing much going on. Especially since with the head fuzziness, dizziness, and sore throat that means I'm sick, I can't focus on anything ... but the very super duper important stuff, and so far for me that's the dance.

Georgie called me when I god home from school and we talked for upwards of an hour about this. I swear, I could rant on forever about this dance, but for now I'm just going to tell you about the top thing I'm frustrated at.

This is people. There used to be more than sixty people who were interested in helping us with this dance. Now there are only about thirty of them, because once we started taking just  two days of their own time, they quit. 

I don't get this. 'Cause, you know, sure, this dance might be embarrassing, and it's CERTAINLY going to be embarrassing the less people we have. But I'm not trying to whine or brag or anything, but me and the dance crew have made it through WAY more obstacles than any of the dance volunteers. And hey, I'm so much better off without them.


I'm just happy that there are at least twenty people who are genuinely interested in helping though they might not get a reward. If I had money I would give them all rewards, but I don't, so I'll figure something out. The thing is, as I used in my crude example to Georgie, it's like we all fell off a boat, and I finally get to see the people who stop swimming just because it's too hard.

Whereas when I dance this dance on Friday, I'm going to have people around me who are fighting against the current because they want to and they chose the hard way. And hey, maybe this dance isn't a big thing, but it's preparing people for life.

Hey readers, not all of you go to my school or even know the real life me ... but ...

If you get the choice to sit it out or dance ... I hope you dance, but what would you do?

Not Just Me

Today wasn't too much of a good day.

I don't know what was with me, but by the time we were bowling in PE I was down down down. Usually I keep my spirits up, especially around Vanessa {who soaks it up when I'm not happy, because she's so good at everything}. But I was just sitting there or standing there trying not to cry. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the shirt I'm wearing. Maybe it was because there was black light. Maybe it was because my smiles ran out.

Lately I've been feeling like that. I was talking to Georgie yesterday about how some things just don't change, like the way your heart skips a beat whenever you see him. Or the way his doesn't.

Or the way you cried yourself to sleep at night after fighting for what you want.

Sometimes I'm so tired I forget to smile, or just plain forget things.

For all you who don't know, you write ZAP
on the back of someone's hand along with a
time. Then you write a dare on their palm. If they
read the dare before the time {or if someone tells
them} then they have to do it. Have fun!

But after getting nothing done at lunch, things started going okay. The guy who sits next to me in Math {who's actually kinda good looking, if you see that in people, which I don't, especially because he dated* Di a while back} was probably watching me write a birthday letter to Kahler {whose birthday is tomorrow} and draw her a pretty epic picture, if I do say so myself. Anyway, he saw the ZAP on the back of my hand, and when it was 2:10, the time of the ZAP, he tapped me and said "Hey you can look at that now."

That meant a lot to me. Like, I know, if you've been staring at somebody's weird drawings all math you might as well be bored enough to see the time on the ZAP that Danica gave them. And notify them, while staring at your watch intently so you know the time.

*Di being far too young for dating

But that was cool. Then I went to a NJHS meeting, where I played Uno with many of my friends, including Liberty. It was really funny because after a couple of games, Kahler came to sit by me. I was sitting next to Liberty {with Kahler between us, I'm not really counting her for right now 'cause she wasn't playing} so I kept trying to make him lose ...

starting from when I had a +4. I put it down and then said "Hey Liberty, what color DON'T you have?"

He was like "Um," while Kahler leaned over and said "He has two greens and a yellow."


She leaned over again while I laughed. "Make that two yellows."

So I said "I pick blue then," but before he could draw, I picked up the next four cards, which were two blue two green.

"Nevermind, I choose red," I said, and gave the cards to Liberty, who was like "What the?" while everyone laughed.

Then a couple of rounds came and he didn't have any reds while it would always be red, so he'd have to keep drawing more. We had like an all out war before I had to leave ...

TO PASS OUT INVITATIONS TO MY LITTLE SISTER'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe my mother let me go through with this. I've been wondering if I should do one for a while. I've done two surprise birthday parties before and they were both for friends, but my little sis is always saying that she hasn't had one in a while and I think she's deprived, since I've had one almost every year since fourth grade, and she's had one ... once or twice, not for the past couple of years.

So I made invitations today, and then I called my mom during NJHS and she said yes! So she drove me to my sister's school and I passed them out secretively, and then we went to the library, where I spent an epic hour checking out books {hehehe 4 thick ones} and talking to Georgie via gmail {my library has everything}.

Then I came home and went out again with previously mentioned little sis for a pi day celebration.

Here's the thing: I don't like pie.

Yet ... I had pizza {pie}, berry pie, and chicken pot pie.

Now I feel fat. But hey, content. 'Cause Georgie handed me a note this morning. It said that sometimes, she stared up at the ceiling and thinks that she'd give anything to be somebody else.


"But then I think that I would take that all back because if I was somebody else, I wouldn't have you." Or something along those lines.

I was walking to Band this morning when I read that. I got tears in my eyes then, but it hasn't hit me 'till now that it's wrong for me to be thinking so much about myself and how I wish I could change because I hate most of me. 

See, I always miss the good parts.

Like Uno, and ZAPs and even getting to bowl during PE. Like Danica and Nash helping me, like Vanessa hugging me, like little sisters and secrets they won't find out 'till Saturday. 

Like Georgie.

Places to Go, People to See, Dancing to Do

It's nice when you can get yourself out of the mess of worries. 

"I came up with this at night when I was trying to fall asleep," I told Georgie, Danica, and Nash during our meeting during lunch today to try and put together a dance for our grade at the next assembly. "So it might not be that great."

"I come up with all my best plans at night," said Nash, which made me believe that maybe I could plan my way out of misery.

There's a song I really love--Misery by Maroon 5. It was popular two summers ago and it was one of those songs you hear all the time but don't get tired of listening to {at least for me}. It's about being depressed, basically, but it's really poppy and if you couldn't understand the words, you'd be smiling. Not that it doesn't leave me smiling.

Anyway, today I was really happy simply because I had things to do. 

In the morning, I talked more with Seattle than I have in a while, and Liberty also walked with me to and from classes while we were figuring things out, and then I got to skip Band and parts of English for a test that counts as volunteer work. It was a fun test. 

During PE, we played an interesting game. I got stuck on the side of the people that nobody wanted {except me}. Well, we had some epic people on our team such as Hillary, Danica, and Georgie, but the other team was completely chosen out of the good people. AKA Vanessa, who loved to take charge of the sport and obsess about the whole thing. But that's what she's good at, and if she says she had fun I'm happy for her. {She didn't look like she was having too much fun, but maybe that's because when you're in a state of extreme concentration you don't have time to mess with facial expressions.}

{Not that she was ever in a state of extreme concentration, since it was an easy win for her team.}

At lunch, I had that one meeting mentioned above, which was successful and awesome. And though we switched to lame seats during math, I had lots of fun doing my homework, actually. {Weird huh.}

After that I had a Mathcounts meeting and then I went to the library for more volunteer work. I'm feeling like I've had a long day, especially after finishing a book, but I feel like I got a lot done.

And you know, one of the best cures for the blues is to rescue yourself.

I Am Knighted in a Desert

Today, we had no school. Thus, I had issues waking up at six and attempting to fall asleep again. In this way, I spent much too long in the dream-world and woke up super dizzy and scared, because I had a dream that my eyes wouldn't open {thankfully they did}. 

I was feeling super loopy and grumpy because I had arguments with my mom about what school I'll go to next year. So I ended up giving life the silent treatment and sticking my nose in a book. Then I grumpily got my stuff together and my mom drove me to the park where my friends and I are having a picnic. My only friends who were there when I got there were Kahler and Fortune, who were kicking around soccer balls. But then Nash showed up, and I showed her my baby brother, who was being a marshmallow {read: not responding to my repeated "SAY HI!!!!!!!!" yellings}. Plus he was wearing a fat coat.

ANYWAY, then people started coming and I ended up in a tree. Kahler and Vanessa both showed off by going to the very top, but me and my fear of heights said no to that, so I settled a little lower than halfway and watched people kicking around soccer balls. Not too happy. But then we decided to play capture the flag. I like that game, but I never get to do anything important because I'm to paranoid. I did manage to get in jail multiple times, though.

After that we played soccer, and I raced around for a while before feeling super tired, thirsty, and useless. So me and Georgie went to the pavilion to hunt water, of which there was NONE!!!!

People started to realize this, and we were all super thirsty. The boys left, and so it was just me, Nash, Danica, Georgie, Orqua, Vanessa, and a seventh grader on my Mathcounts team. We were super thirsty, and attacked this one dude when he came over with two filled soda bottles {filled with water of course, soda is GROSS}.

Then we all chugged it and saved the rest for later as we ate snacks and chatted. Eventually we decided that we were in a kingdom under the sea and we were all mermaids, and Orqua was our princess and the guarder of the water. I got to be a knight, by way of stick.

All too soon I had to go, but happily, Nash and Danica were coming to my house. We went up to my room and talked for a while, laughing about my silly little sister {who is TOO silly if you ask me} and then we went downstairs and played Just Dance 4, and were increasingly annoyed at Nash, who is far too good at that for her own ... good. Dang it, I wasn't supposed to use that twice in a sentence.

Finally Danica and I teamed up and defeated Nash by being Moves Like Jagger! Not my ideal victory ... but victory it was!

So we sat around talking and making confessions and dream stories while eating fruit snacks. It was awesome, and I love the way there are those people I can just sit and talk with and enjoy. However, some people talk with me and it's super awkward 'cause I don't know what to say. Nash and Danica are easy to talk to, thank goodness!

We went back up to my room and I banished my little sister for a while 'cause she kept dropping stuffed animals {those cursed things} on Nash's head. Then she ran away because we were being boring {AKA making up a dance}. 

But I feel like that was an amazing way to spend my day, especially because now I have stuff to write about, and/or do. I love making progress, and quenching my thirst ... *guh*

--So Danica, now you know how pathetic I am, writing this not even half an hour after you and Nash left. What can I say? 

The Cute, Silly, Strawberry Reminiscing Times

Today is one of those days you stare up at the ceiling hoping it'll give you an answer when somebody asks how it was.

There were good parts and bad parts. I've always wondered why the bus in the morning isn't nearly as chatty as the bus in the afternoon when the same people are on both ways {at least in my group}, but this morning was amazing because everybody talked normally and it wasn't just a couple people but all of our friends sitting together. We laughed and joked and talked and rolled our eyes.

In classes I had some fun, especially in English. Orqua is reputable for her crush on so&so, and he sat next to her in the computer lab, by choice of seat. So we made fun of her and giggled when she got annoyed. Then me, Tangorine, and Orqua finished our testing so we sat outside in the library trying to be quiet, but failing, especially when Ase came along. 

Ase is silly, you've got to understand that he is NEVER. SERIOUS. Thus, he took some books and said "Kay guys, these are our newspapers. When somebody comes by I will say 'Quick! Newspapers!' and you will hold them up like this"--holds book up upside down--"and pretend you're reading. Then you stare at the person and don't talk to them!"

We had fun and I couldn't stop giggling behind my book. Then we went bowling in PE, which was super fun yet super nostalgic. Then Boomer my PE teacher turned on the music and everybody sang.

I also loved how Orqua, the ever nice ever sweet girl, came and joined the group of me and Georgie, who were loners. {Together.}

But there were sad parts too, like at lunch when I was wandering by myself because I was sure everyone was having fun and I didn't want to play soccer because I felt like I should hang out with Georgie. Somehow I left early and wandered and I found myself leaning on a locker thinking about ... bad stuff again. But I was good, not depressed. That doesn't mean I was thinking rationally, though.

So there was a moment of darkness. Sometimes I feel like nobody likes me and get paranoid, but that went away after dance class, where I ran around like a crazy idiot with Merida and Fluttari!

All right, so here I am planning a day with Nash and my friends {we get no school tomorrow: ACTs}. 

So good night. Good night.

I Won't Give Up

This afternoon, from 2 to 5, I went to the local ice skating rink for a birthday party.

Before it even started, I was at the point of tears. Everybody was rushing around looking for stuff, it was snowing outside {crazily} and I was just so frustrated. Finally my mom drove me and Ameli {who, being my next door neighbor, gets a ride to save gas} to the skating rink along with my little sister, who really wanted to skate. 

So we got there at the same time as Orqua and Georgie did, and we exchanged hugs and I introduced people {Ameli} to the rest {who all knew each other from school}. Gradually more and more people arrived. Finally we had fourteen {counting me and not my sister}, one more than last year {hehe, it's so perfect}:

1. Ameli
2. Orqua
3. Georgie
4. Kahler
5. Blaund
6. Ase
7. Fortune
8. Greni
9. Tangorine
10. Nash
11. Danica
12. Literally
13. Vanessa

Anyway, we began to skate. It was frustrating because whenever I skate, nobody wants to skate with me. Everybody was splitting into their little groups like they always do, and I'm never EVER in one of these for skating. EVER. So I was a little annoyed but I helped my little sister, and I found that Greni and Ameli, being the only two who weren't in my main friends group {but still my really good friends, I'm just saying like lunch}, were following me. So I made them be friends with each other through helping Georgie, who has never skated.

When Orqua was all alone I went with her. When Georgie was stumbling I held her elbow and screamed at her even though she screamed back that she couldn't do it. But I was lonely inside too, and even my little sister didn't want to skate with me. I started two games of tag, against the rules, and I tried to be slow so anybody who wanted to could catch up. But this never works and never has, so I found myself near tears again. To the point where I found out that my depression had come back, and I really, really, REALLY wanted to end it all. Or go cry in the bathroom, 'cause I'm not brave.

So when it was half time and the zamboni came out to wipe the rink, I stood aside while Literally tried to talk to me. Fortune was sitting on the bench with his usual crowd as always. There was one time when I had stopped talking to everyone. I was standing on The Outside {Taylor Swift}. I stared at Danica until she looked at me. Nash did too, and Fortune caught my eye and waved, smiling. If I hadn't been depressed, I would've grinned and waved back. We've got so many connection sand inside jokes and he's the only one whose eye I'll catch and wave, because he waves back. But this time, my eyes were watering and there were eyes on me, so I looked away and walked, too.

But then came the time we all gathered around the table and Fortune came up with two dollars folded into a box. There was a dollar cone and a dollar ring, and Fortune was red and somebody said something about proposing. "I did it for Blaund and Ase!" he protested. Which made me grin at him and say "You're proposing to Blaund and Ase?! I didn't know that about you, Fortune!" So everybody was laughing and Fortune's face was less pink and I was breathless again, but happy this time. 

People left and people went, and I taught Georgie more how to skate. I had a great time. Does it matter what presents I got? I got two journals, adding to the two I got for Christmas and the two I've filled with writing. I'm a writer. And so there are those moments that really strike the heart.

Like when Georgie caught my arm like I did hers through our three falls. "Thanks for pushing me like that," she said. And I thought of how I'd yelled at her and folded my arms and taunted her by skating backwards whenever I said "Now skate to me," and moved whenever she got close. But I grinned back and pushed her, now that we were on solid ground and she could catch herself. 

Like when Fortune and I had one of our first real one-on-one conversations in months, which I used to love so much. It's nice to be friendly again.

Like when Vanessa, whom I have a love-hate relationship as a friend, left me a secret message on her birthday card to me, and I realize the love is more.

Like when we tried not to laugh or we'd be out and I was the first out because Fortune said something. Or how somebody would say "I was looking for you."

Like when we blew straw wrappers at each other and I hit Fortune in the forehead, or when Literally managed to spill something like he always does. When Danica wrote her name in frosting on my table. When I hugged everyone after their present.

I swear, I got high off of friends. I'm so happy right now I could die, but I know I don't want to. 

Like when Danica grabbed my arm in our last minutes on the ice rink and sang to me along with Jason Mraz. I won't give up.

I blew out my candle with tears in my eyes, because I was gonna laugh or scream or cry. But not die, because my wish was to 

Chalk Fish

Today, of all things, is my birthday.

I woke up in a good mood, which was strange because there hasn't been a good mood for me for the past couple of weeks. I put on my favorite sweater, jeans I love, comfy socks, awesome shoes. I ate a happy breakfast. I walked outside with my birthday party invites in hand and a smile on my face. I sang to myself as I walked: 

It's been a year filled with problems
But now you're here almost as if to solve them ...

That song is called The Best Thing by relient k. I love that song and it's been on my mind all day. In fact, as I walked this morning I thought Gee, it's strange because yesterday I was crying over depressing Owl City songs and fighting for my life, but today I'm just happy to be me.

Turns out I wasn't as happy as could be. I was enthusiastic in the morning, but then I realized that nobody but Kahler knew it was my birthday. I didn't see Georgie {who came over yesterday} but Nash told me to go away for a while and I was suspicious. She said happy birthday, and so did some of my other friends. Fortune was singing the birthday song that was written for me by a couple of neighbors I carpooled with several years ago. 

I was happy, though.

I was happy as I graded papers and wrote a letter to Kahler in reply to the one she gave me this morning. {Finding out later that day that she'd written letters to everyone.} I was happy as I handed out invitations and as my history teacher made everybody sing to me and I blushed blushed blushed.

*Or as much blush as I can get. Not much

In French we watched a movie and the principal came to award me and I felt special and blushing again. At lunch there was a senator meeting that I was looking forward to having Liberty come to. It was nice that Georgie did though and she gave me a fat letter that I read during Science ...

when Nash and Danica had done something special.

I walked in and there were balloons and streamers on my desk and above it. There was cute wrapping paper all over my desk and the chair. I got sung to as I stood on a stool in the front of the room. 

This is the first time that something like this has happened to me. I'd been looking forward--holy crap, looking forward--to this at night lately, the time I'm most down. 

It's funny how I can be so fake-smiley in the morning, but not to my pillow at night.

I don't know what's going on with me. I drew fish on the school sidewalk with Kahler's chalk at lunch, and they were cute and smiley with Georgie's help but there's still something WRONG.

It must be some sick sort of depression that makes me stare wide-eyed at knives or not be proud that I invited one of the sweetest loneliest girls in our grade to our lunch group like Kahler's been thinking of. 'Cause today I stood at my porch with my arms out wide, balloons in one hand, wondering what it would be like to fall.

'Cause maybe I would fly, just for a little bit. Better than feeling
like
dirt?

Hearts

Well, happy Valentine's Day! 

I'm not sure if it deserves the exclamation point or not. Today's been an interesting day, and I guess I could start by telling you about it.

I started pretty okay. I'm wearing a striped shirt that's kind of a mix between a dress and a shirt. The sleeves are stripey and long and the whole thing reminds me of Taylor Swift, but I botch it by rolling up the sleeves to elbow like I do with all long ones, and not being very graceful. Or tall. I'm not Taylor Swift, and my hair was actually perfectly straight this morning. Which was kind of a blessing.

I went to my first class, where I TA for my old English/Utah Studies teacher. She's interesting, but today I felt like part of the class as I made announcements, chatted with the students, and wrote odes with them. Well, I wrote one, and stuck it on the door. It's not as funny as my teacher says it should be, but it's sentimental and a little bit quirky and that's what I was going for. It's an ode to her classroom and all of its ... homeliness. It's like a home to everybody because sometimes we like it and sometimes we hate it, but as I wrote in my poem, it's somewhere to return to. 

Anyway, I liked the poem part. Then I went and took a quiz in my next class, which was kind of funny and surprisingly not hard. Since I finished first I got two extra credit points, and then I left for the assembly. I got to sit in between Georgie and Danica and was chosen to be a spirit leader for my age group, but somehow I ended up having tears in my eyes. Maybe it was the fact that I searched for people I didn't see in the crowd. Maybe it was the fact that I was embarrassed. Or maybe it was the fact that I was just plain annoying and annoyed.

Guh.

Then I went to French and tried not to cry. We wrote valentines for our partners in French, so I wrote one for mine. It had all the general thank-you for helping me learn French and do activities stuff, and also some notes like I like your shoes, you're quick and quirky and smart. I smiled when I passed it to her and she gave me hers, and I tucked it into my backpack without reading.

The funniest thing happened during French. It was one of those strange highlights of my day, and I wrote it down because I don't want to forget it. It was like a precious gift. While we were writing valentines we got out our French dictionaries and I was dejectedly flipping through mine when lo and behold I stopped when I saw something on the word avalanche.


Someone had written, above it, the word strawberry, naming one of Owl City's songs. I almost laughed out loud and a smile broke out across my face. Skimming through the dictionary I found others:

lonely lullaby
shooting star
adam young

And I was so amazed that somebody knew those beautiful songs and had written them there and I'd gotten that dictionary. It was nice. And the perfect Valentine's day gift, as I didn't get any. {Other than a note from August and, I guess, bread from Kahler.}

Oh. That and the card from my partner in French, which said I was smart and I thought fast, and other stuff I have yet to decipher. It means a lot to me that people I hardly even know do something sweet. 

So that's my hearts day story. Like how I felt depressed again in Science and nearly broke down crying but decided to join Danica and Nash and other people in their group to make a mobile. Danica agreed heartily when I leaned into her and said "I want stars on mine."

And I taught Danica and Nash how to do their calculations for Force Effort and Distance Resistance and things like that, which I didn't have to do. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did, because I felt like making someone smile.

If I can't at least someone else should be able to!

Cold Feet

This morning, I slipped when I walked down the hill to my bus stop. But that was okay 'cause I caught myself. 

I'm not ready to fall, and I certainly don't want to.

So why does everything seem so pointless? This is the worst depression I've ever gotten into, and I'm so sad and I don't even know why. I was thinking about it this morning. It's not sad like those times I see Seattle and know he doesn't like me. It's not sad like the way some people look at me. It's not sad like not having a good book to read, or being late for school {not that I've ever done that} or any other kind of heartbreak.

It's me.

This morning I did a lap around my school, even though I was scared of the darkness at the back of it. I ran and ran and ran and was hardly out of my breath, but my heart was racing and I stood there singing.

Last night, I dug my baby blanket out from the closet in my parents' room. It's been folded neatly there since I put it away this summer. It was the softest thing in the world and I used to fall asleep with my hands rubbing it because it was nice to know something was that sweet and mine. But it got tattered ad I was so scared of ruining it that I put it away. But sometimes you gotta take a chance, so I brought it out because I needed it.

I cried last night so hard, but it hurt even more knowing that I had to take measured breaths and muffle myself in my baby blanket and pillow because my sister was still awake on the bottom of the bunkbed beneath me. This morning I wished I could cry, but sometimes the fake smile is natural because you don't want anybody to really see ... you want them to try to see. 

I ran more, too. I ran away from Nash and Danica, Seattle and Orqua, friends and friends and friends and friends and nobody put their arm around me 'cause nobody knows how much I'm not

all

right

and so I ran, and in Science I wrote in my journal to pass the time and my gum reserved for special occasions is running out and the snow splattered like rain against my face and I wanted so much for something to run to.

But I tore my prayers out of my notebook and gave them to Danica and I ran ran ran but she caught up and caught my shoulders in a hug from behind and slipped me a note and I almost cried reading it.

You always hit my heart in the perfect place. 

So how come no matter how many times I try to reach my own, it's broke?