"Maybe It's Just Me"

Sometimes I have these flashbacks.

I'm standing in the kitchen last night thinking "I can't believe it was yesterday," because the last day of school seems forever ago, even though I can remember it clearly. It's just ... maybe I've spent so much time dreaming that I can't remember real life.

I'm in Kahler's backyard watching a movie in a language I speak and missing the times when I used to do that with my family.

I'm sitting on a stone table writing in my journal and looking out at the view--the field and the sun through the maple leaves that light up like seaweed and the row of trees and beyond them, the blue of the mountains reflecting the sky. It's weird how I hardly stop to enjoy nature anymore, because I'm too busy creating things of my own.

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go with them to play soccer or something I can't recall now, but I had a split second decision and said "No."

"You should learn how to say no," I told someone last night.

"I never give in to peer pressure," said Fortune another time.

I'm sitting alone on the grass. "We're best friends so it's okay," says Nash, or Danica, because they're both huddling in the blankets together.

I grab Danica's hand to write I'm living in the past, because I still haven't realized. "You're freaking cold," she exclaims, and I smile to myself.

My hands are cold ... and I'm on my knees looking for the answer ...

I'm on my knees and they're getting grass stains but that's okay because I'm faking writing in my journal just so I won't look as lonely as I feel in the pit of me right now, because nobody's invited me to share the warmth of the blankets and I'm not sure I want to. 

And right now, I'm listening to a song that Seattle and I call "The Liar Song," but I bet he doesn't even remember that or care to.

Yes, my hands are cold, and I flashback to a moment when Seattle shined a laser light into my eyes and I remembered when he used to flash his watch at me and do just that, only the sunshine is gone right now.

Vanessa hugs me and mistakes me for Georgie, who she's been hanging out with all night, and I say it's fine when she pretty much screams "I'm so sorry!!!!"

"I guess it's just me," I say and I'm not sure if anybody hears me.

I have to leave and Danica hugs me. "You're not good at this, are you?"

"What, leaving? I leave all the time," I say, but the pit grows wider because I'm always the one who stays while everyone else leaves.

Capture the Sunshine

NOTE: These aren't my mountains. :(

This morning Georgie and I were having another day of standing there in semi-awkward silence wondering what to do with ourselves and the words that were apparently just going to have issues coming out of our mouths. "Wanna go out in the hall?" she asked, for no particular reason.

So I followed her out there ready to write in my journal but then we went to the window and the sun was rising over this little town and you could see it streaming through the mountains to light up a particular swathe* of trees.

*Don't mind me. I must've eaten a dictionary or something.

It was gorgeous, and she pulled out her camera to capture it. And that ended in us taking more pictures of my pen balancing skills, our shadows, people's legs {by accident} and ... it was nice. That kind of nice when you're super tired and you just woke from one of the best dreams ever and want to go back to sleep and live in that world instead ... but realize that this one is fine, too.

'Cause today at lunch I really played soccer for the first time in a while and didn't give up and walk away like I did yesterday. I didn't care when I didn't get the ball, and I didn't care when I did. I just had fun either way, which was ... fun, for a change. 

And the best part was how I had little muttered conversations with Fortune whom I haven't talked to in a while. Since he's a soccer pro I ended up sprinting for the soccer ball but danged it into the fence, and now I have a scrape on my foot. But it's cool having this green and red polka dot band-aid from Danica. {The last one was at the assembly.} And then I got to talk to Fortune some more on the way to Science. I hate it when my friends don't talk to me for long periods of time and it's nice to fix that.

During lunch and Science I talked a lot with August and Danica, too, as well as Nash and Souri and Kahler and Blaund and ... it was awesome.

So ... that's my story of today. Like how my dream included talking and laughing with Seattle and Stephen and Fortune on the bus and it happened in real life, which just goes to show that dreams come true.

When You Try Your Best But Don't Succeed

The title line is from Coldplay's Fix You, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. Just in case, you know, you want to stalk me even more than the info I've already given you. Which would be creepy, but not like there's stuff I HAVEN'T said here.

Anyway, it's basically how I've been feeling lately. Like I'll wait for a reply to the millions of letters I've sent in the past month and get none. Or wish I could talk to Fortune more, only never get to because I don't know why {it's probably me}.

It was like in PE today. You're all probably very familiar with the concept of me using PE to make me happy. First it was with wallyball volleyball, and me and my picking teams of the people who never get picked {except by me, another one of those who never get picked} and having fun no matter how much we lost by {which was a lot}. Then it was bowling and not letting nostalgia take me over. Then it was running far and fast and next to people, and Greni and Reta thanked me for that today after band, too. Which was cool and unexpected, because people usually don't notice what I do, especially lately.

{Unless it's being a jerk.}

So today we played handball, which is majorly confusing and would've been fun if I had not been tired from watching a movie in French yesterday and one in English today {right before PE} and running around some more and generally not having a good start to the day. My team for handball included one of my good friends Venni Laukner and this one quiet girl whom I hardly get a chance to talk to, and Orqua. It's hard to explain handball. Anyway, we were up against Kahler, August, Danica and Hillary, who all happen to be sports pros who beat the crap out of us no matter how hard we tried.

Which was pretty hard, especially near the end. I'm not good at sports, but at least I try! I'm sure everyone else on my team was trying too, but what I hate is when people split groups into their friends the sports pros and leave all the unwanted, last-picked people to fend for themselves. 

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are secretly plotting against me too, like "Let's pretend that everything is okay only we'll secretly glance at each other and say things behind her back because she's so weird." Or, "What a weirdo."

And I was playing soccer today but I ended up walking away again. I seem to do that a lot as of late.

But sometimes you don't really give up. You just go on, and see if someone takes the time to catch up to you {you have to walk slow sometimes}. 

So today I was going on, and even though I felt like crying instead I sat by a tree with Vanessa and we sat next to each other in the sunshine on the grass and just read our own separate books. "I'm sorry I wasn't very exciting," she said when we hugged to leave.

"That's okay. Sometimes I like to just sit and read. You know, get out of this world."

And it's true. I needed that break. Because I actually worked on my math test and got to read some more and then Seattle was talking and laughing with me and making fun at the way I say "Mmmmmmm" when I'm trying to get my hands to high-five Kyle the right way, only he wasn't making fun of me because he sort of blushed and was all like "I wasn't," when I accused him {not that harshly FYI}. And I know he never rides the bus on Thursday afternoons but he was there, and even when he left I felt a little bit better, because he probably knew he'd be picked up too, but he came on the bus to talk just like I did yesterday when I knew I'd be picked up.

So ... there are things like that, and I realize I've kind of been sitting around waiting for something to happen. When maybe I should get up and go someplace where something will.

On Pause

As you very well know by now {or maybe not. I can be confusing} I've been pretty dang stinkin' {a phrase my sister uses a lot} depressed for a while. Or maybe not depressed. That was a different feeling. This one I'd call something like blah.

So let me rephrase ... as you very well know by now, I've been pretty dang stinkin' blah for a while.

Today I've been feelin' so down

You knocked me onto the ground

But I find a better view of the sky

So maybe I'm, maybe I'm all right

Those four lines are lyrics I just came up with. *bow* I'm not sure it applies to me, but it sort of fits the regime. And the "you" is probably me, which means that I don't have a Multiple Personality Disorder, but I think it might've been me who was the fault this time.

Well, it probably was. Not might've, not I think.

But today ... today things got better. I don't know why. Lately I get this feeling where I wake up and I forget for a moment that I'm sad and I have all these reasons to be sad and the tears that were in my eyes yesterday. But that feeling dragged on throughout the morning, when my sometimes-cranky band teacher was joking and us flautists got away with playing the piano when we were supposed to be in sectionals {sshhhhh} and in English, I sat on a table with Georgie, birthday girl Orqua, and Ase, who helped me study for the vocabulary test, and I'm pretty sure we all aced it. And hey, studying with them was super fun.

Then was an assembly. I hate assemblies usually. But this one ... this one was nice. The past two have both been stressful, because during the first one I was worried about dancing and the second one I was not sure about anything and freaking out friendwise.

But today was just great. I passed notes with Danica through Stephen who was all messenger-like, and I actually talked to Fortune for the first time in a while, and Liberty was there too, and I was next to Georgie and Orqua and having a good time, no matter how much I actually talked. Like me and Kyle established this morning, "Doing nothing with a friend is still fun."

At lunch I'd promised to tell Danica what was wrong with me, and we sat down in the grass by a tree whose leaves will make stars soon {or maybe they've already}. First she asked me some serious questions, which made me giggle because sometimes I can't help but smile when Danica is around {same with Georgie}. It was funny because I was dreading the discussion just like I did yesterday, only for different reasons. Today it was because I didn't think I was sad anymore.

Which is weird, because I know I'll have to face this sometime. But like Orqua and I said in PE, "There's no time like the present."

But I finally figured out what's wrong with me this time. 

"There's past, present, and future," I told Danica, just as this stuff was falling into my brain and out of my mouth {gross I know}. 

The thing is, lately neither of those is good for me. I'm worried about next school year so much that I basically just avoid thinking about it altogether because there's so much I want but can't have, even when I think I have the solution to everything. There's no way that will make me 100% percent happy. Or even 99%. 

And the past has never really been a good point for me. Sure, I've had plenty of good times, but dark times usually aftershadow them all and I can't think about them like Danica does. 

And right now the present isn't showing much promise either.

So I was going too fast or too slow, but now I stopped. I'm stuck. And I've been hating it.

Except for today. After math, where I happily finished my review in like twenty seconds {not really but it seemed fast} and read and wrote in my journal and relaxed. Then I went on the bus and sat across from Seattle. Which basically means almost-touching-knees and a lot of secret just-us conversations. But I'm not talking about this right now ... >.< And then he's saying stuff to just me to purposefully make me make my gross face, and I'm laughing as I leave and, like Danica my therapist says, having some hope for tomorrow.

100

So this is my hundredth post of this blog, and it makes me think that wow, this place has grown on me. Sometimes I think I write too much or too little and sometimes I wonder if I should delete this thing. But more often than not I re-read things or add things and generally am proud.

So here's a nice reference list of the past posts:

1. I am in a hot tub at night.
2. I get very sweaty yet smile at the same time. Weird, huh!
3. Fortune and I have a giant argument about buckets.
4. I wish I was sunburnt but glow even though I'm not.
5. I wear brown boots and get praised by my French teacher.
6. I'm sad even though it's raining.
7. Vanessa becomes okay.
8. Am I too loud?
9. I learn to hold myself back.
10. I hang out with Georgie
11. I learn that you just have to be patient.
12. What did I accomplish?
13. I find some periwinkles.
14. I dance my heart out. Well, not really. Close enough.
15. I stand on a chair yelling at people, and find I enjoy it.
16. Good things happen to those who wait.
17. Thank you to all you seventh graders.
18. Things go wrong ...
19. I paint camouflage and spend plenty of hours with friends.
20. I climb up a rock wall alone.
21. I scream. While eating ice cream. Which is rather difficult, may I just establish.
22. No matter how much you want to trust somebody ... be careful there.
23. I am all frustrated
24. Surprise!!!!
25. Things are nostalgic yet good.
26. I have an Uno Fight with Liberty, and plan surprises.
27. Dang you, copy machine.
28. I'm so happy. Thanks, Georgie.
29. Bleh.
30. I am stuck being me.
31. I get stuck in a storm or two.
32. I can let things go ... finally, eh?
33. I love my friends!
34. I am busy.
35. I get really really thirsty.
36. It's a good day.
37. Rain, finally!!!!
38. Georgie is my best friend.
39. Greg Laswell.
40. I blush mentally.
41. Lawnmowers bug me.
42. People yell.
43. I am wearing lime green!!!!
44. Somebody told me I was not what I wanted to be.
45. I can't find my fingers!
46. I accidentally fell into love again. Whoops. Ouch.
47. I am a really artsy person.
48. I wonder if Seattle likes me.
49. I love drama.
50. It is my birthday party. 
51. I am pleasantly surprised while I turn 14.
52. I run a mile.
53. Whoops, this one is actually not a published post but a draft. Heh.
54. Fortune can't see the light.
55. I find Owl City coincidences that make me smile. Oh, and it's Valentine's Day.
56. Not much happens.
57. I talk about boys.
58. Kyle is depressed.
59. I change my attitude.
60. I quote Britt Nicole's Gold.
61. I lie on the floor of Danica's closet.
62. I go to Danica's house which immediately feels like home.
63. I am even more depressed-like in the middle of somewhat happiness.
64. I am optimistic.
65. My friends cheer me up. 
66. I wear blue ribbon.
67. Someone dies.
68. Meet my crush.
69. Meet is my best friend.
70. I hope I will be remembered.
71. I rant about old friends.
72. I have projects.
73. Finding happiness in vegetables.
74. Somehow, I have disappeared.
75. I sled in the dark.
76. I cheer Orqua up.
77. I find deep meaning in clothing.
78. My favorite letter makes me happy.
79. Parts of me begin to disappear. :-O
80. I'm not hungry.
81. I think of good things.
82. I accidentally write a sad post.
83. I miss people.
84. Ugh, here is an assembly.
85. I think about me.
86. I don't care about losing.
87. I have deep thoughts about friends.
88. I speed away but slow down and have some actual fun.
89. I taste the sky and feel alive again.
90. I lead my team to non-victory victory and realize I matter.
91. I get really mad at the snow. 
92. I play around in the snow.
93. I don't go to Blaund's birthday party.
94. People are too contained and too loose.
95. I hate it when people yell.
96. When I was a young ... not warthog. I reminisce about the lovely times when I was a little kid running free.
97. I get all depressed-like.
98. I feel sort of awkward.
99. I take off ...

It's Complicated

Some days are happy days. Some days are not. 

But some days are completely in between. They're not blah days, because they're happy ad sad but I'm not sure which is more ...

Like today. It started off fine--we got free music time in Band, essentially, and I got to practice with Greni. But then, I found out that the people from the middle school came, and I missed them. People I know were in there and I had no chance at all to see them or talk to them, but whenever they're around it makes me feel all fluttery like every choice is wrong because I know I'll regret no matter what.

So when I got to Fat Cats for bowling in PE, I was all hot and cold at the same time {do not take the hot part like that please}. Then they turned off the lights for Thunder Alley and we requested music and the little neon bits in the fuzzy black walls started to glow.

I got my best bowling score for this whole unit today ... twice. But the whole time I was nostalgic and pretty much just sick, because I hate black lights and the neon wall bits and requesting songs but although I wanted to get out of there, I wanted to stay too.

So it was relief when Georgie and I left for lunch, where we had an actual conversation with our lunch group {usually now we don't have group discussions} and headed out to the soccer field.

That was where things went a little wrong, again. Of course, I ended up on the opposite team as Fortune, Vanessa, Kahler, and more--it seemed that their team overwhelmed mine and had all the really good ball hogs {and generally good soccer players}. But I ran with my bare feet and screamed at my teammates and kicked whenever I could and I was in the perfect place, far enough into the game to play it, but far enough out not to care when the other team scored goals.

So I was sweaty and happy again, and then Math passed quickly, actually, because somehow it was the day when everybody was talking to me, even though I hardly know anybody in my math class except two boys in my grade. I lent a pencil and made remarks and said yes, I do not like cheese.

I'm a little weird.

And then on the bus ride home I sat across from Seattle and we talked about books and movies and how Secondhand Lions is both our favorites, and Kyle and Souri were there too, which makes for all around niceness.

So this sunshiny day started out cold, and life is a roller coaster, but the hills make it fun.

Forgetment

"Fortune," says Danica, "don't forget me."

This morning, he and I were on the bus talking. Both our favorite weather is rain, and we were both like "YES!!!!" because it was falling when we were on the bus. Which somehow led into a discussion about tarps and buckets and nailing things. With magnets.

I won't go into the details of this discussion, but it was super fun. I ended up trying to make it so that his tarp-bucket plan wouldn't work. He described a tarp on top and a tarp on bottom with the top one held up by me-sized buckets, but I'd say "But if your tarps are being nailed to the buckets then they have holes in them and therefore can't hold water ..." and he'd be all like "Well ... they're nailed with magnets!"
So seriously the whole bus ride was dedicated to that argument, which was just ... amazing. And I got off the bus without the feeling that I haven't talked to Fortune in a while.

The thing is, at the beginning of this year I was kind of seriously mad/sad at him, which meant that we'd have stare-downs and I'd wonder why he wasn't my friend, yet miss him all the same. I wrote about it in journals, but right now I've forgotten what it feels like not to be Fortune's friend.

I guess that's a good thing. It's like talking to Coustic right now. We've fought a lot, but now we're back chatting. Or Vanessa at lunch, how she looked me in the eye and said "Thanks, you've been a great help." But she's needed it, and Coustic is a good friend, and I find so is Fortune.

People say trust is a paper that once crumpled can't be put back, but somehow if you smooth it out you can still think it's perfect.

Locked Boxes

Sometimes, I remember the way it used to be.

"This whole year," I say while looking at the rain-sprayed ground, "I've been wishing that it'd rain during lunchtime." 

Georgie and I are walking back from bowling, and I look at the rainy gray sky. It should make me smile, but we cross the street and all I feel like is crying. "Nobody's there," I tell her, and when she asks where I point to the tree. The tree where we eat lunch at, that's bare in the newness of spring, but it was full when I stood under it last year while the rain freshened the ground for a beginning.

Right then though I felt like something was ending. There's a reason I haven't dwelt on standing in the rain, and it's because sometimes even the good times hurt after it all comes crashing down. I had a great time standing under that tree in the rain with Literally, Coustic, and Fortune.

I sing to Georgie: "In the middle of September when we stood out in the rain ... nothing to lose but everything to gain ..."

"I'm not sure what song that is," I say, and it's like how I'm not sure where all that past went. There's so much I won't let myself think about because it was too good and I'll never get it back. Like standing in the rain and how the guy I liked walked me to Science even though his next class was on the other side of the school, or when the sun shone and I threw strawberries at Georgie before we knew we were best friends. When I had fruit roll-ups to spare and when I let love loose on the world in the form of sticky notes.

When I was more innocent, when I was more hopeful, when I didn't realize that sometimes things are never gonna work out for you.

When the future was bright, but then the light went out and I couldn't see the past either.

And I'm Home

There was something about today that made me feel beautiful. Not like in the physical way ... but in the mental way. Wherever you pinpoint where your feelings come from, I was warm and soft inside, like a baby blanket. And man, are those things soft.

This afternoon from 1 to 5, I was at my school decorating a section of the main hallway for school spirit. It comes from being a representative for my grade, and it was ... really awesome, actually.

I got there and it was snowing, and there was a crowd inside from the basketball game that was going on. I looked around feeling a little lost, but then I saw Georgie! What a great first person, right? We collided and then I saw Kahler and waved at her from her position on top of the stairs. She ran down and we all walked to the hallway to figure out what was going on. We got some paint and went down to the student body office (more like a supply closet actually) to get some poster paper.

Then we set to work. The main hallway was split in half--our grades got the west side of the hallway, most of which was actually trophy cases, which was not cool. Thus, we set to work decorating the columns that were on the hallway too. 

We made three column posters that took a while. Soon afterwards Fortune showed up, which meant that we had more people and thus, more fun. I think we're all neat freaks, but we still had tons of adventures dipping our arms in red paint (except for the one boy, weirdly) and stamping them all over the paper, adding one that rose above the rest carrying a spirit bowl. Then we had one that we painted camouflage all over (I SPELLED THAT RIGHT!!!!!!). 

I love mixing paint. Usually I hate painting because I suck at it, but today it was super fun. First, there was brown and green, which Fortune was surprisingly good at blobbing the brown-green paint in a way that looked like epic camouflage. After we finished that poster came a picture of our school mascot decked out in army-wear (our theme is the armed forces) and ... well, I just can't describe how much fun I had.

It's not like we talked that much, except about whether or not my gray mixing needed more white, or how red and brown is a nasty color combination thanks to August deeming it "bloody poo." But it ... it was just nice to spend four hours with friends working on things I'm going to walk past and feel proud of.

You know how they say home is where your heart lives? (At least they think they do.) Well, today has made me realize that for these past two years, this school and these friends has and have been my home. And no matter where I go after, they're gonna stay that way. :)

Nearly Old Times

I don't know why they call it the old times, because when you say "Oh the old times," that basically makes it sound like they were old and you got rid of them, but I LOVE my old times.

*cough* MOST of them.

I was thinking just barely about what to post about. So much has been going on and filling my days. That's what I love--when there's so much to write and talk about, instead of nothing, or just the bad stuff. 

This morning I had adventures of figuring out a way to keep waffles warm for Kahler. It was kind of her birthday present, I told her not to bring breakfast, and she kind of looked at me weird. Anyway, she was happy to accept them, even though they were a little soggy {I wiped the water out of the container, heated it and the waffles, and shoved it under the bus heater. They were warm when she got them}.

I read my book and wrote a lot during my TA period, and I felt bad that I wasn't doing anything and the teacher I TA for was doing all this junk, but it was okay. Then Georgie's friend came up to me just to talk and say how Georgie always talked about me and how I'm apparently a really cool person.

In History, we had a sub, which meant I finished my homework, got to listen to epic stories, and got free time to read some more.

Then in French, the fire alarm went off {I learned later that Stephen discovered it coming from a boy's bathroom} and we waited in the sunshine for forty minutes. That was one of the more bad old time parts, because the WHOLE TIME I was practically next to Pen's older brother. Not that he saw me of course.

I did walk by the Spanish classroom and see the inside of it, which I haven't since the last day of school last year ... which is why I walked quickly past it.

At lunch, I was surprised to be the first one outside ... except for Stephen and Fortune ... Seattle, who saw me walking quickly and broke into a run. I did too but he flopped his backpack down before I did, and I accused him of cheating.

He smiled, and we talked there after Stephen left, just the two of us. That hasn't happened for a long time, and having the sun shining on my back I felt kind of invincible, even though usually when these things happen I feel like crying 'cause I don't get them all the way back.

Then Danica came and talked and walked with me for lunch and we tried to interrogate Fortune out of a soccer ball. During science was another sub, and then we spent half an hour playing games. Fortune sat next to me, which was really funny because I could make him laugh with what I wrote or said or drew.

And now I'm talking to Seattle via gmail. What a day, right? What a day.

I Am Knighted in a Desert

Today, we had no school. Thus, I had issues waking up at six and attempting to fall asleep again. In this way, I spent much too long in the dream-world and woke up super dizzy and scared, because I had a dream that my eyes wouldn't open {thankfully they did}. 

I was feeling super loopy and grumpy because I had arguments with my mom about what school I'll go to next year. So I ended up giving life the silent treatment and sticking my nose in a book. Then I grumpily got my stuff together and my mom drove me to the park where my friends and I are having a picnic. My only friends who were there when I got there were Kahler and Fortune, who were kicking around soccer balls. But then Nash showed up, and I showed her my baby brother, who was being a marshmallow {read: not responding to my repeated "SAY HI!!!!!!!!" yellings}. Plus he was wearing a fat coat.

ANYWAY, then people started coming and I ended up in a tree. Kahler and Vanessa both showed off by going to the very top, but me and my fear of heights said no to that, so I settled a little lower than halfway and watched people kicking around soccer balls. Not too happy. But then we decided to play capture the flag. I like that game, but I never get to do anything important because I'm to paranoid. I did manage to get in jail multiple times, though.

After that we played soccer, and I raced around for a while before feeling super tired, thirsty, and useless. So me and Georgie went to the pavilion to hunt water, of which there was NONE!!!!

People started to realize this, and we were all super thirsty. The boys left, and so it was just me, Nash, Danica, Georgie, Orqua, Vanessa, and a seventh grader on my Mathcounts team. We were super thirsty, and attacked this one dude when he came over with two filled soda bottles {filled with water of course, soda is GROSS}.

Then we all chugged it and saved the rest for later as we ate snacks and chatted. Eventually we decided that we were in a kingdom under the sea and we were all mermaids, and Orqua was our princess and the guarder of the water. I got to be a knight, by way of stick.

All too soon I had to go, but happily, Nash and Danica were coming to my house. We went up to my room and talked for a while, laughing about my silly little sister {who is TOO silly if you ask me} and then we went downstairs and played Just Dance 4, and were increasingly annoyed at Nash, who is far too good at that for her own ... good. Dang it, I wasn't supposed to use that twice in a sentence.

Finally Danica and I teamed up and defeated Nash by being Moves Like Jagger! Not my ideal victory ... but victory it was!

So we sat around talking and making confessions and dream stories while eating fruit snacks. It was awesome, and I love the way there are those people I can just sit and talk with and enjoy. However, some people talk with me and it's super awkward 'cause I don't know what to say. Nash and Danica are easy to talk to, thank goodness!

We went back up to my room and I banished my little sister for a while 'cause she kept dropping stuffed animals {those cursed things} on Nash's head. Then she ran away because we were being boring {AKA making up a dance}. 

But I feel like that was an amazing way to spend my day, especially because now I have stuff to write about, and/or do. I love making progress, and quenching my thirst ... *guh*

--So Danica, now you know how pathetic I am, writing this not even half an hour after you and Nash left. What can I say? 

Georgia

Today Vanessa came over to my house, and we played soccer with my little sister. "What country are you gonna be?" asked Vanessa when we decided to play World Tour {she was goalie}. 


"Wyoming," said my smart 5-year-old sister.

"Okay, we'll do states," said Vanessa. She asked me which one I wanted to be. I said Rhode Island at first, but something didn't feel right.

"Umm ... Tennessee? No," I said, finally choosing. "Georgia!"

Have I ever told you that's Georgie's full name? She called me today, and since Vanessa was still at my house I said I'd call her back. Her voice was a little soft and sad and I wondered what it was. I was itching to call her back {eew gross} and when I did she sounded a lot more cheerful. 

I asked her the reason she called me like I always did, but it was nothing. "I just thought I might as well memorize your number 'cause I'm gonna call you like every day!" 

I wanted her to. We started talking, about many things. Friends, and how some people are often neglected for their faults, and how it hurts at first but you get over it {hmhmm, should I do that?}. Then she started talking about how Fortune did say I was good at soccer {he can be a liar} and I was happy for a minute when I realized what I do by playing soccer: not hang out with Georgie. I promised out loud to spend more time with her. I know she needs to spend time with other people too, but I love hogging my best friend, because all the time I spend with her, whether it's wandering or stalking or laughing or just reading ... it's great. No kidding, sometimes we're the only ones left at the lunch place and we just sit and read, and knowing she's there does wonders for me.

Not for my reading, though. It's funny how I can't draw myself away from the world when there's a reason to be there. (:

Then we started talking about Kyle and how Orqua said he and Georgie were similar because they were both nice, held doors open for people {psh, there's SO much more she holds from me, like my backpack when she insists it's too heavy}, how they both compliment people, and have the most amazing smiles.

I told Georgie how amazing her smile actually is. It's like a bright light wherever. Outshines the sun and all that great stuff, but seriously, the fact that it's always there is enough for me. 

Then we started reading our journals to each other, and she and I started with some random pages, and then she did February 25th ... AKA this past Monday. It talked at first about some wonders of the day, and then how she's falling back in love with somebody {I forgot to tell her that we're twinners because I am too}. Then she told me not to make a sound as she read the last part. It must've been at least two pages long. 

It was about me.

It was about how I'm ... me. And how when I was going through depression, she couldn't do anything for me. It talked about how she knows I have more friends than just her ... how she doesn't deserve me ... how she's just her while I am me. 

"That's it," she said after saying how she cried.

It was silent for a couple of seconds on the phone and one of the things I thought of saying was Amen, because I guess I should pray for somebody to stop being blind.

Then I started talking, and after I read a paragraph off of my journal, I made a speech. I don't know if I've ever made one like that before. It was completely off of the top of my head. I wasn't telling a story or arguing. I was simply stating what was true, but it was hard because of the silence on the end of the line and the fact that there was SO MUCH TRUE.

I paused in between things because I had to gather my thoughts and make sure it hit her in the places that would make her know. 

Dear Georgie, you're my best friend. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, because there's not a word for it yet. I can't tell you the feeling I get knowing you're here for me, because it's like putting your eyes to the sun. I love the way you are who you are. I love the way you don't complain about my ideas. I love the way you'd be my shoulder to cry on as well as my hand to hold. I love the way you don't complain and you always have something true and amazing to say about everyone. I love the way you make me me. I hope you understand that no matter how much I try to say this it doesn't work. I've got friends other than you. They may be good friends, but there's a reason you're the best. I really love your smile and your laugh and your letters. I love you, and I can't wait to call you before you get me ...

So just saying, I've never been to Georgia. But like Seattle, I have a feeling that if I ever do it'll feel like home. 

Guess what my current favorite font is?

Something 'Bout Love

"Today's been strange," I wrote in my journal just barely, "but it felt sort of like home."

On the bus ride home, I looked forward to talking with Fortune, Kahler, and Liberty, but instead I sat next to Souri. She's not my ideal person to sit next to. She's so nice and sweet and she's always smiling no matter what, but she isn't one of my really good friends, and it's a little strange talking to her because I feel so not Souri ... you know?

But I had a good time. We talked about babysitting and for once I had a lot to say {okay, not for once, but you know what I mean}. So the time went by fast while I talked with Souri. And that felt nice.

Then on the way to this recognition ceremony for the AMC8 tonight, my mom and I talked about which school I was going to, which is undecided. I ended up in tears like every other time I talk or think about things I'm super passionate about, and I was frustrated. But when I walked into the room for the recognition assembly, Vanessa saw me and ran down the hallway and her in her bright green jeans was good enough for me and I didn't even stumble when we crashed in a hug.

So I sat next to Vanessa. Lately she hasn't been my favorite person. Especially because the only class I have with her is PE, so I get to see her be good at everything and make it look easy. But also because she sits next to me during assemblies and starts scrutinizing the cheerleaders {she's so one of them} like "Oh, their round-off back handsprings {insert some crazy cheerleader term} are looking okay. I can do that better than they can though!"

But I understand her, more than I understand many people. She and I are so alike, so it's hard to hate her. And especially because I realize how much past we have together, and how much I really do love that little girl who brings brightness to my life. {Like her name.}

Especially when we found somebody in the crowd who I sort of knew. He is annoying, I know him sorta personally, and I said he reminded me of this one friend we had last year who moved.

"Funny," she said. "I don't remember him much at all. I think that should be wrong."

"It's funny to think how much you won't miss us next year," I said, still not sure of what school I was going to.

I'm still not sure. But it didn't matter, because Vanessa looked at me and said she cried when she thought about it too hard. She prayed for me and the rest of our friends who would be leaving. And no matter if those had been lies, because they felt real, and she grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

I squeezed back, and for the remaining half hour or more of the presentations, we were like that. We said nothing about it. We whispered and talked and laughed but our hands were together squeezing.

I told my mom how it was hard to decide schools because of my friends. She wondered how friends mattered so much to me. "They're not your lovers, or your husband," she said. Quote exactly. That's my mom for ya.

I didn't say anything, because my mom isn't me. I have parts of her, but I have parts of me too.

I have my eyes, which looked at Vanessa's hand and mine, squeezing so hard they were both red.

I have my heart, which was warm from the kind ones nearby.

And I have my mind, which knew enough about the power of friendship and the David Archlueta song to ... well, to look down at those two hands holding on through forever. I felt as strong as the mountains I grew on, as deep as the roots of the tree that is me ... and for a moment there I swear, I couldn't tell
whose
hands
were
whose.

I Won't Give Up

This afternoon, from 2 to 5, I went to the local ice skating rink for a birthday party.

Before it even started, I was at the point of tears. Everybody was rushing around looking for stuff, it was snowing outside {crazily} and I was just so frustrated. Finally my mom drove me and Ameli {who, being my next door neighbor, gets a ride to save gas} to the skating rink along with my little sister, who really wanted to skate. 

So we got there at the same time as Orqua and Georgie did, and we exchanged hugs and I introduced people {Ameli} to the rest {who all knew each other from school}. Gradually more and more people arrived. Finally we had fourteen {counting me and not my sister}, one more than last year {hehe, it's so perfect}:

1. Ameli
2. Orqua
3. Georgie
4. Kahler
5. Blaund
6. Ase
7. Fortune
8. Greni
9. Tangorine
10. Nash
11. Danica
12. Literally
13. Vanessa

Anyway, we began to skate. It was frustrating because whenever I skate, nobody wants to skate with me. Everybody was splitting into their little groups like they always do, and I'm never EVER in one of these for skating. EVER. So I was a little annoyed but I helped my little sister, and I found that Greni and Ameli, being the only two who weren't in my main friends group {but still my really good friends, I'm just saying like lunch}, were following me. So I made them be friends with each other through helping Georgie, who has never skated.

When Orqua was all alone I went with her. When Georgie was stumbling I held her elbow and screamed at her even though she screamed back that she couldn't do it. But I was lonely inside too, and even my little sister didn't want to skate with me. I started two games of tag, against the rules, and I tried to be slow so anybody who wanted to could catch up. But this never works and never has, so I found myself near tears again. To the point where I found out that my depression had come back, and I really, really, REALLY wanted to end it all. Or go cry in the bathroom, 'cause I'm not brave.

So when it was half time and the zamboni came out to wipe the rink, I stood aside while Literally tried to talk to me. Fortune was sitting on the bench with his usual crowd as always. There was one time when I had stopped talking to everyone. I was standing on The Outside {Taylor Swift}. I stared at Danica until she looked at me. Nash did too, and Fortune caught my eye and waved, smiling. If I hadn't been depressed, I would've grinned and waved back. We've got so many connection sand inside jokes and he's the only one whose eye I'll catch and wave, because he waves back. But this time, my eyes were watering and there were eyes on me, so I looked away and walked, too.

But then came the time we all gathered around the table and Fortune came up with two dollars folded into a box. There was a dollar cone and a dollar ring, and Fortune was red and somebody said something about proposing. "I did it for Blaund and Ase!" he protested. Which made me grin at him and say "You're proposing to Blaund and Ase?! I didn't know that about you, Fortune!" So everybody was laughing and Fortune's face was less pink and I was breathless again, but happy this time. 

People left and people went, and I taught Georgie more how to skate. I had a great time. Does it matter what presents I got? I got two journals, adding to the two I got for Christmas and the two I've filled with writing. I'm a writer. And so there are those moments that really strike the heart.

Like when Georgie caught my arm like I did hers through our three falls. "Thanks for pushing me like that," she said. And I thought of how I'd yelled at her and folded my arms and taunted her by skating backwards whenever I said "Now skate to me," and moved whenever she got close. But I grinned back and pushed her, now that we were on solid ground and she could catch herself. 

Like when Fortune and I had one of our first real one-on-one conversations in months, which I used to love so much. It's nice to be friendly again.

Like when Vanessa, whom I have a love-hate relationship as a friend, left me a secret message on her birthday card to me, and I realize the love is more.

Like when we tried not to laugh or we'd be out and I was the first out because Fortune said something. Or how somebody would say "I was looking for you."

Like when we blew straw wrappers at each other and I hit Fortune in the forehead, or when Literally managed to spill something like he always does. When Danica wrote her name in frosting on my table. When I hugged everyone after their present.

I swear, I got high off of friends. I'm so happy right now I could die, but I know I don't want to. 

Like when Danica grabbed my arm in our last minutes on the ice rink and sang to me along with Jason Mraz. I won't give up.

I blew out my candle with tears in my eyes, because I was gonna laugh or scream or cry. But not die, because my wish was to