What Yearbooks Can't Do

It's the end of the year, guys. And no, don't be like my mom and say "But 2013 just started!" because I mean the school year. Which is pretty much the only year that has ever mattered to me ever since 4th grade, when I realized that school is the best place ever.

Right now I'm sitting here going through my yearbook and thinking about all the things it can't capture.

Sure, there are pictures of my friends and some of us going about our random school stuff. There are the teachers, there are the signatures from my friends and classmates. But ... but you can't understand by looking at my yearbook.

In fact, I don't think anyone will be able to understand that absolute brilliance that was these past two years at this school with these friends.

Pictures can't even capture what makes this life, this home, so special.

They can't capture the inside jokes, like how Orqua and I eat toes {do not take this literally. If you do not understand the inside joke, that is the precise reason it is an inside joke. But these are not live toes}.

They can't capture the soccer games we played at lunch and how they always turned into semi-violent games of hand- and foot- and head- ball. And how we always managed to hit a girl with brown hair and glasses {at least in PE}.

They can't capture the way we all gathered in the practice rooms when they were still open and sang and talked and laughed and accidentally squirted lotion all over the floor {Georgie}.

They can't capture the way everyone in our grade knew each other by first and last name and stuff otherwise. Like I know that these two guys both really like purple, or that this girl is a really good artist, or that this one dude owns a fedora and his life pretty much revolves around it.

Yeah, my friends are weird. But they're special and unique and I just can't let them go, which is why I'm sitting here flipping through my yearbook wondering how anybody ever thought this could sum up the year.

Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

When You Try Your Best But Don't Succeed

The title line is from Coldplay's Fix You, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. Just in case, you know, you want to stalk me even more than the info I've already given you. Which would be creepy, but not like there's stuff I HAVEN'T said here.

Anyway, it's basically how I've been feeling lately. Like I'll wait for a reply to the millions of letters I've sent in the past month and get none. Or wish I could talk to Fortune more, only never get to because I don't know why {it's probably me}.

It was like in PE today. You're all probably very familiar with the concept of me using PE to make me happy. First it was with wallyball volleyball, and me and my picking teams of the people who never get picked {except by me, another one of those who never get picked} and having fun no matter how much we lost by {which was a lot}. Then it was bowling and not letting nostalgia take me over. Then it was running far and fast and next to people, and Greni and Reta thanked me for that today after band, too. Which was cool and unexpected, because people usually don't notice what I do, especially lately.

{Unless it's being a jerk.}

So today we played handball, which is majorly confusing and would've been fun if I had not been tired from watching a movie in French yesterday and one in English today {right before PE} and running around some more and generally not having a good start to the day. My team for handball included one of my good friends Venni Laukner and this one quiet girl whom I hardly get a chance to talk to, and Orqua. It's hard to explain handball. Anyway, we were up against Kahler, August, Danica and Hillary, who all happen to be sports pros who beat the crap out of us no matter how hard we tried.

Which was pretty hard, especially near the end. I'm not good at sports, but at least I try! I'm sure everyone else on my team was trying too, but what I hate is when people split groups into their friends the sports pros and leave all the unwanted, last-picked people to fend for themselves. 

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are secretly plotting against me too, like "Let's pretend that everything is okay only we'll secretly glance at each other and say things behind her back because she's so weird." Or, "What a weirdo."

And I was playing soccer today but I ended up walking away again. I seem to do that a lot as of late.

But sometimes you don't really give up. You just go on, and see if someone takes the time to catch up to you {you have to walk slow sometimes}. 

So today I was going on, and even though I felt like crying instead I sat by a tree with Vanessa and we sat next to each other in the sunshine on the grass and just read our own separate books. "I'm sorry I wasn't very exciting," she said when we hugged to leave.

"That's okay. Sometimes I like to just sit and read. You know, get out of this world."

And it's true. I needed that break. Because I actually worked on my math test and got to read some more and then Seattle was talking and laughing with me and making fun at the way I say "Mmmmmmm" when I'm trying to get my hands to high-five Kyle the right way, only he wasn't making fun of me because he sort of blushed and was all like "I wasn't," when I accused him {not that harshly FYI}. And I know he never rides the bus on Thursday afternoons but he was there, and even when he left I felt a little bit better, because he probably knew he'd be picked up too, but he came on the bus to talk just like I did yesterday when I knew I'd be picked up.

So ... there are things like that, and I realize I've kind of been sitting around waiting for something to happen. When maybe I should get up and go someplace where something will.

On Pause

As you very well know by now {or maybe not. I can be confusing} I've been pretty dang stinkin' {a phrase my sister uses a lot} depressed for a while. Or maybe not depressed. That was a different feeling. This one I'd call something like blah.

So let me rephrase ... as you very well know by now, I've been pretty dang stinkin' blah for a while.

Today I've been feelin' so down

You knocked me onto the ground

But I find a better view of the sky

So maybe I'm, maybe I'm all right

Those four lines are lyrics I just came up with. *bow* I'm not sure it applies to me, but it sort of fits the regime. And the "you" is probably me, which means that I don't have a Multiple Personality Disorder, but I think it might've been me who was the fault this time.

Well, it probably was. Not might've, not I think.

But today ... today things got better. I don't know why. Lately I get this feeling where I wake up and I forget for a moment that I'm sad and I have all these reasons to be sad and the tears that were in my eyes yesterday. But that feeling dragged on throughout the morning, when my sometimes-cranky band teacher was joking and us flautists got away with playing the piano when we were supposed to be in sectionals {sshhhhh} and in English, I sat on a table with Georgie, birthday girl Orqua, and Ase, who helped me study for the vocabulary test, and I'm pretty sure we all aced it. And hey, studying with them was super fun.

Then was an assembly. I hate assemblies usually. But this one ... this one was nice. The past two have both been stressful, because during the first one I was worried about dancing and the second one I was not sure about anything and freaking out friendwise.

But today was just great. I passed notes with Danica through Stephen who was all messenger-like, and I actually talked to Fortune for the first time in a while, and Liberty was there too, and I was next to Georgie and Orqua and having a good time, no matter how much I actually talked. Like me and Kyle established this morning, "Doing nothing with a friend is still fun."

At lunch I'd promised to tell Danica what was wrong with me, and we sat down in the grass by a tree whose leaves will make stars soon {or maybe they've already}. First she asked me some serious questions, which made me giggle because sometimes I can't help but smile when Danica is around {same with Georgie}. It was funny because I was dreading the discussion just like I did yesterday, only for different reasons. Today it was because I didn't think I was sad anymore.

Which is weird, because I know I'll have to face this sometime. But like Orqua and I said in PE, "There's no time like the present."

But I finally figured out what's wrong with me this time. 

"There's past, present, and future," I told Danica, just as this stuff was falling into my brain and out of my mouth {gross I know}. 

The thing is, lately neither of those is good for me. I'm worried about next school year so much that I basically just avoid thinking about it altogether because there's so much I want but can't have, even when I think I have the solution to everything. There's no way that will make me 100% percent happy. Or even 99%. 

And the past has never really been a good point for me. Sure, I've had plenty of good times, but dark times usually aftershadow them all and I can't think about them like Danica does. 

And right now the present isn't showing much promise either.

So I was going too fast or too slow, but now I stopped. I'm stuck. And I've been hating it.

Except for today. After math, where I happily finished my review in like twenty seconds {not really but it seemed fast} and read and wrote in my journal and relaxed. Then I went on the bus and sat across from Seattle. Which basically means almost-touching-knees and a lot of secret just-us conversations. But I'm not talking about this right now ... >.< And then he's saying stuff to just me to purposefully make me make my gross face, and I'm laughing as I leave and, like Danica my therapist says, having some hope for tomorrow.

Life Is Definitely Not Fair

There are many things I don't deserve.

Like sitting here in the quiet of the library, one of my favorite places because it allows me to be alone with my own thoughts ... and to pick out books. And who doesn't love either of those? ... I guess. Being alone with your own thoughts is like trying to fall asleep, and lately it's not exactly fun to do that.

'Cause you know, that first sentence is true. Especially today, there are plenty of things that I do not deserve.

Like at the school library just about half an hour ago, when Orqua and I sat on the floor smelling books and laughing our heads off and getting stared at by some creepy guy (long laugh story).
Like how Seattle and I were talking this morning. Talking a lot. And I'd call his name during English to make some remark about his favorite books, and he'd walk next to me down the  hallway just us two, and he'd talk with me while the rest of the people were gathered by the lockers also. 

But I guess I deserved it afterschool at a NJHS meeting when he caught my eye and walked right out the door to the bus when he said he'd be there.

I guess I deserved it when people would just look at me, because I finally understand why.

I'm me.

And I am not a perfect person. In fact, I'm probably the furthest from perfect you could get. And I could come up with a million excuses or reasons to blame other people, but I know the fault is mine. Because I've been so wrapped up in my own ... stuff. I forget to pay attention to others, and then blame them for not paying attention me. 

So to everybody out there, I'm sorry I'm such a blob of annoying stupid me. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, and I'm sorry that my sorry letters make you look at me with tears in your eyes, because I just want a way to fix this when I can't.

100

So this is my hundredth post of this blog, and it makes me think that wow, this place has grown on me. Sometimes I think I write too much or too little and sometimes I wonder if I should delete this thing. But more often than not I re-read things or add things and generally am proud.

So here's a nice reference list of the past posts:

1. I am in a hot tub at night.
2. I get very sweaty yet smile at the same time. Weird, huh!
3. Fortune and I have a giant argument about buckets.
4. I wish I was sunburnt but glow even though I'm not.
5. I wear brown boots and get praised by my French teacher.
6. I'm sad even though it's raining.
7. Vanessa becomes okay.
8. Am I too loud?
9. I learn to hold myself back.
10. I hang out with Georgie
11. I learn that you just have to be patient.
12. What did I accomplish?
13. I find some periwinkles.
14. I dance my heart out. Well, not really. Close enough.
15. I stand on a chair yelling at people, and find I enjoy it.
16. Good things happen to those who wait.
17. Thank you to all you seventh graders.
18. Things go wrong ...
19. I paint camouflage and spend plenty of hours with friends.
20. I climb up a rock wall alone.
21. I scream. While eating ice cream. Which is rather difficult, may I just establish.
22. No matter how much you want to trust somebody ... be careful there.
23. I am all frustrated
24. Surprise!!!!
25. Things are nostalgic yet good.
26. I have an Uno Fight with Liberty, and plan surprises.
27. Dang you, copy machine.
28. I'm so happy. Thanks, Georgie.
29. Bleh.
30. I am stuck being me.
31. I get stuck in a storm or two.
32. I can let things go ... finally, eh?
33. I love my friends!
34. I am busy.
35. I get really really thirsty.
36. It's a good day.
37. Rain, finally!!!!
38. Georgie is my best friend.
39. Greg Laswell.
40. I blush mentally.
41. Lawnmowers bug me.
42. People yell.
43. I am wearing lime green!!!!
44. Somebody told me I was not what I wanted to be.
45. I can't find my fingers!
46. I accidentally fell into love again. Whoops. Ouch.
47. I am a really artsy person.
48. I wonder if Seattle likes me.
49. I love drama.
50. It is my birthday party. 
51. I am pleasantly surprised while I turn 14.
52. I run a mile.
53. Whoops, this one is actually not a published post but a draft. Heh.
54. Fortune can't see the light.
55. I find Owl City coincidences that make me smile. Oh, and it's Valentine's Day.
56. Not much happens.
57. I talk about boys.
58. Kyle is depressed.
59. I change my attitude.
60. I quote Britt Nicole's Gold.
61. I lie on the floor of Danica's closet.
62. I go to Danica's house which immediately feels like home.
63. I am even more depressed-like in the middle of somewhat happiness.
64. I am optimistic.
65. My friends cheer me up. 
66. I wear blue ribbon.
67. Someone dies.
68. Meet my crush.
69. Meet is my best friend.
70. I hope I will be remembered.
71. I rant about old friends.
72. I have projects.
73. Finding happiness in vegetables.
74. Somehow, I have disappeared.
75. I sled in the dark.
76. I cheer Orqua up.
77. I find deep meaning in clothing.
78. My favorite letter makes me happy.
79. Parts of me begin to disappear. :-O
80. I'm not hungry.
81. I think of good things.
82. I accidentally write a sad post.
83. I miss people.
84. Ugh, here is an assembly.
85. I think about me.
86. I don't care about losing.
87. I have deep thoughts about friends.
88. I speed away but slow down and have some actual fun.
89. I taste the sky and feel alive again.
90. I lead my team to non-victory victory and realize I matter.
91. I get really mad at the snow. 
92. I play around in the snow.
93. I don't go to Blaund's birthday party.
94. People are too contained and too loose.
95. I hate it when people yell.
96. When I was a young ... not warthog. I reminisce about the lovely times when I was a little kid running free.
97. I get all depressed-like.
98. I feel sort of awkward.
99. I take off ...

Crashing Through Walls and Fighting Dragons

It should be where it rains ... anyhoo, this is Rainbow Veins by Owl City.
Love that song!

Vanessa was the one who introduced me to Long Live. 

One day long long ago I said I'd sing it with her, but I never have.

Still, I feel like we've lived it.

Vanessa and I have been through demons and dragons and monsters and fights and so much, but we're still friends. We still understand each other, and we won't turn our backs when it's us against the world.

"Is Vanessa OK?" asked Orqua in bowling today.

Vanessa was reading a book away from the crowd.

There were times I could've given up. Sometimes Vanessa gives up on me and sometimes I do in return. But today I could've given up when I saw her like that. I could've given up when she said "I'm just tired," or when she said "I'll just email you, okay?"

But sometime runs deeper than all the times we fought over guys, or we'd have a gap of time when we just didn't hang out. 

'Cause when your friend smiles, so do you, and you don't mind taking your lunch period cheering them up because it's worth it when you press your forehead to theirs and say "You're gonna be okay. Don't cry" and they say "Promise" and you wave at them when they walk away knowing they'll be back no matter how long they're gone.

Weather Problems

Do you know what's awesome? It rained today!
Do you know what's not awesome? 

Boys.

Okay, successfully for the past week or so I've not even thought about them at all, bar the times when Orqua and Georgie try and get me to talk about who I like. Which isn't so certain right now {but definitely Seattle}.

Anyway, I guess it's time to take a break, because I'm am oh so SUPER tired about boys. It's so cute how this one girl I know is freaking out about one {he hasn't been here for a while and she's been kinda sad about it, but as I type they're having a conversation and he just discreetly called her beautiful}. I guess I'm sort of freaking out about one too. 

In the, you know, get-out-of-my-head-and-stay-out way.

I'm very happy right now without thinking about males and how idiotic they can be. You know, they can be fun too, and right now they're my friends. Not as good as my girl friends, who I'm hanging out with more 'cause it's funner and less worrysome. With my girl friends, I can force Sparrow to eat fries to save Danica's octopus's life, and I can also make gutterballs without caring. Or with an 8 pound ball, your pick.

I can also play soccer and deny when Vanessa tells me I did really good, because I did kick the ball out from between this guy's feet {not to be mistaken with legs} and also kicked it from Stephen's {which was oh so super cool. But hurt, because bare feet + shoes = ouch}. 

But today I really did deny when Vanessa told me I did really good, because when I called to someone so they could pass the ball to me, I was completely open and pass they did not. Plus, everyone was cheering other people on, and nobody even called my name when I had the soccer ball. normally this doesn't bother me, but today it did, because I overheard Storm talking about me. Do you remember Storm? He's the one person who I hate half the time, because I can't help looking at him in the other half.

Well, he was talking about me in soccer today, and if I heard what I thought I heard, it wasn't good. So I was annoyed, because I started feeling like he was against me. I started taking every single time that someone didn't pass to me, or call my name when I got the ball and even kicked it in the right direction. He said about five words to me during that soccer game, where he was yelling encouragement to everybody else. 

I was looking at the sky hoping for rain. I'd voiced these thoughts this morning and he had caught my eye and said him too, but I didn't believe it anymore. Then it did start raining later today and I was happy, but that was only from the nose down. You should've seen my eyes, working up a storm.

I Am Knighted in a Desert

Today, we had no school. Thus, I had issues waking up at six and attempting to fall asleep again. In this way, I spent much too long in the dream-world and woke up super dizzy and scared, because I had a dream that my eyes wouldn't open {thankfully they did}. 

I was feeling super loopy and grumpy because I had arguments with my mom about what school I'll go to next year. So I ended up giving life the silent treatment and sticking my nose in a book. Then I grumpily got my stuff together and my mom drove me to the park where my friends and I are having a picnic. My only friends who were there when I got there were Kahler and Fortune, who were kicking around soccer balls. But then Nash showed up, and I showed her my baby brother, who was being a marshmallow {read: not responding to my repeated "SAY HI!!!!!!!!" yellings}. Plus he was wearing a fat coat.

ANYWAY, then people started coming and I ended up in a tree. Kahler and Vanessa both showed off by going to the very top, but me and my fear of heights said no to that, so I settled a little lower than halfway and watched people kicking around soccer balls. Not too happy. But then we decided to play capture the flag. I like that game, but I never get to do anything important because I'm to paranoid. I did manage to get in jail multiple times, though.

After that we played soccer, and I raced around for a while before feeling super tired, thirsty, and useless. So me and Georgie went to the pavilion to hunt water, of which there was NONE!!!!

People started to realize this, and we were all super thirsty. The boys left, and so it was just me, Nash, Danica, Georgie, Orqua, Vanessa, and a seventh grader on my Mathcounts team. We were super thirsty, and attacked this one dude when he came over with two filled soda bottles {filled with water of course, soda is GROSS}.

Then we all chugged it and saved the rest for later as we ate snacks and chatted. Eventually we decided that we were in a kingdom under the sea and we were all mermaids, and Orqua was our princess and the guarder of the water. I got to be a knight, by way of stick.

All too soon I had to go, but happily, Nash and Danica were coming to my house. We went up to my room and talked for a while, laughing about my silly little sister {who is TOO silly if you ask me} and then we went downstairs and played Just Dance 4, and were increasingly annoyed at Nash, who is far too good at that for her own ... good. Dang it, I wasn't supposed to use that twice in a sentence.

Finally Danica and I teamed up and defeated Nash by being Moves Like Jagger! Not my ideal victory ... but victory it was!

So we sat around talking and making confessions and dream stories while eating fruit snacks. It was awesome, and I love the way there are those people I can just sit and talk with and enjoy. However, some people talk with me and it's super awkward 'cause I don't know what to say. Nash and Danica are easy to talk to, thank goodness!

We went back up to my room and I banished my little sister for a while 'cause she kept dropping stuffed animals {those cursed things} on Nash's head. Then she ran away because we were being boring {AKA making up a dance}. 

But I feel like that was an amazing way to spend my day, especially because now I have stuff to write about, and/or do. I love making progress, and quenching my thirst ... *guh*

--So Danica, now you know how pathetic I am, writing this not even half an hour after you and Nash left. What can I say? 

The Cute, Silly, Strawberry Reminiscing Times

Today is one of those days you stare up at the ceiling hoping it'll give you an answer when somebody asks how it was.

There were good parts and bad parts. I've always wondered why the bus in the morning isn't nearly as chatty as the bus in the afternoon when the same people are on both ways {at least in my group}, but this morning was amazing because everybody talked normally and it wasn't just a couple people but all of our friends sitting together. We laughed and joked and talked and rolled our eyes.

In classes I had some fun, especially in English. Orqua is reputable for her crush on so&so, and he sat next to her in the computer lab, by choice of seat. So we made fun of her and giggled when she got annoyed. Then me, Tangorine, and Orqua finished our testing so we sat outside in the library trying to be quiet, but failing, especially when Ase came along. 

Ase is silly, you've got to understand that he is NEVER. SERIOUS. Thus, he took some books and said "Kay guys, these are our newspapers. When somebody comes by I will say 'Quick! Newspapers!' and you will hold them up like this"--holds book up upside down--"and pretend you're reading. Then you stare at the person and don't talk to them!"

We had fun and I couldn't stop giggling behind my book. Then we went bowling in PE, which was super fun yet super nostalgic. Then Boomer my PE teacher turned on the music and everybody sang.

I also loved how Orqua, the ever nice ever sweet girl, came and joined the group of me and Georgie, who were loners. {Together.}

But there were sad parts too, like at lunch when I was wandering by myself because I was sure everyone was having fun and I didn't want to play soccer because I felt like I should hang out with Georgie. Somehow I left early and wandered and I found myself leaning on a locker thinking about ... bad stuff again. But I was good, not depressed. That doesn't mean I was thinking rationally, though.

So there was a moment of darkness. Sometimes I feel like nobody likes me and get paranoid, but that went away after dance class, where I ran around like a crazy idiot with Merida and Fluttari!

All right, so here I am planning a day with Nash and my friends {we get no school tomorrow: ACTs}. 

So good night. Good night.

Georgia

Today Vanessa came over to my house, and we played soccer with my little sister. "What country are you gonna be?" asked Vanessa when we decided to play World Tour {she was goalie}. 


"Wyoming," said my smart 5-year-old sister.

"Okay, we'll do states," said Vanessa. She asked me which one I wanted to be. I said Rhode Island at first, but something didn't feel right.

"Umm ... Tennessee? No," I said, finally choosing. "Georgia!"

Have I ever told you that's Georgie's full name? She called me today, and since Vanessa was still at my house I said I'd call her back. Her voice was a little soft and sad and I wondered what it was. I was itching to call her back {eew gross} and when I did she sounded a lot more cheerful. 

I asked her the reason she called me like I always did, but it was nothing. "I just thought I might as well memorize your number 'cause I'm gonna call you like every day!" 

I wanted her to. We started talking, about many things. Friends, and how some people are often neglected for their faults, and how it hurts at first but you get over it {hmhmm, should I do that?}. Then she started talking about how Fortune did say I was good at soccer {he can be a liar} and I was happy for a minute when I realized what I do by playing soccer: not hang out with Georgie. I promised out loud to spend more time with her. I know she needs to spend time with other people too, but I love hogging my best friend, because all the time I spend with her, whether it's wandering or stalking or laughing or just reading ... it's great. No kidding, sometimes we're the only ones left at the lunch place and we just sit and read, and knowing she's there does wonders for me.

Not for my reading, though. It's funny how I can't draw myself away from the world when there's a reason to be there. (:

Then we started talking about Kyle and how Orqua said he and Georgie were similar because they were both nice, held doors open for people {psh, there's SO much more she holds from me, like my backpack when she insists it's too heavy}, how they both compliment people, and have the most amazing smiles.

I told Georgie how amazing her smile actually is. It's like a bright light wherever. Outshines the sun and all that great stuff, but seriously, the fact that it's always there is enough for me. 

Then we started reading our journals to each other, and she and I started with some random pages, and then she did February 25th ... AKA this past Monday. It talked at first about some wonders of the day, and then how she's falling back in love with somebody {I forgot to tell her that we're twinners because I am too}. Then she told me not to make a sound as she read the last part. It must've been at least two pages long. 

It was about me.

It was about how I'm ... me. And how when I was going through depression, she couldn't do anything for me. It talked about how she knows I have more friends than just her ... how she doesn't deserve me ... how she's just her while I am me. 

"That's it," she said after saying how she cried.

It was silent for a couple of seconds on the phone and one of the things I thought of saying was Amen, because I guess I should pray for somebody to stop being blind.

Then I started talking, and after I read a paragraph off of my journal, I made a speech. I don't know if I've ever made one like that before. It was completely off of the top of my head. I wasn't telling a story or arguing. I was simply stating what was true, but it was hard because of the silence on the end of the line and the fact that there was SO MUCH TRUE.

I paused in between things because I had to gather my thoughts and make sure it hit her in the places that would make her know. 

Dear Georgie, you're my best friend. I can't tell you how much you mean to me, because there's not a word for it yet. I can't tell you the feeling I get knowing you're here for me, because it's like putting your eyes to the sun. I love the way you are who you are. I love the way you don't complain about my ideas. I love the way you'd be my shoulder to cry on as well as my hand to hold. I love the way you don't complain and you always have something true and amazing to say about everyone. I love the way you make me me. I hope you understand that no matter how much I try to say this it doesn't work. I've got friends other than you. They may be good friends, but there's a reason you're the best. I really love your smile and your laugh and your letters. I love you, and I can't wait to call you before you get me ...

So just saying, I've never been to Georgia. But like Seattle, I have a feeling that if I ever do it'll feel like home. 

Guess what my current favorite font is?

I Won't Give Up

This afternoon, from 2 to 5, I went to the local ice skating rink for a birthday party.

Before it even started, I was at the point of tears. Everybody was rushing around looking for stuff, it was snowing outside {crazily} and I was just so frustrated. Finally my mom drove me and Ameli {who, being my next door neighbor, gets a ride to save gas} to the skating rink along with my little sister, who really wanted to skate. 

So we got there at the same time as Orqua and Georgie did, and we exchanged hugs and I introduced people {Ameli} to the rest {who all knew each other from school}. Gradually more and more people arrived. Finally we had fourteen {counting me and not my sister}, one more than last year {hehe, it's so perfect}:

1. Ameli
2. Orqua
3. Georgie
4. Kahler
5. Blaund
6. Ase
7. Fortune
8. Greni
9. Tangorine
10. Nash
11. Danica
12. Literally
13. Vanessa

Anyway, we began to skate. It was frustrating because whenever I skate, nobody wants to skate with me. Everybody was splitting into their little groups like they always do, and I'm never EVER in one of these for skating. EVER. So I was a little annoyed but I helped my little sister, and I found that Greni and Ameli, being the only two who weren't in my main friends group {but still my really good friends, I'm just saying like lunch}, were following me. So I made them be friends with each other through helping Georgie, who has never skated.

When Orqua was all alone I went with her. When Georgie was stumbling I held her elbow and screamed at her even though she screamed back that she couldn't do it. But I was lonely inside too, and even my little sister didn't want to skate with me. I started two games of tag, against the rules, and I tried to be slow so anybody who wanted to could catch up. But this never works and never has, so I found myself near tears again. To the point where I found out that my depression had come back, and I really, really, REALLY wanted to end it all. Or go cry in the bathroom, 'cause I'm not brave.

So when it was half time and the zamboni came out to wipe the rink, I stood aside while Literally tried to talk to me. Fortune was sitting on the bench with his usual crowd as always. There was one time when I had stopped talking to everyone. I was standing on The Outside {Taylor Swift}. I stared at Danica until she looked at me. Nash did too, and Fortune caught my eye and waved, smiling. If I hadn't been depressed, I would've grinned and waved back. We've got so many connection sand inside jokes and he's the only one whose eye I'll catch and wave, because he waves back. But this time, my eyes were watering and there were eyes on me, so I looked away and walked, too.

But then came the time we all gathered around the table and Fortune came up with two dollars folded into a box. There was a dollar cone and a dollar ring, and Fortune was red and somebody said something about proposing. "I did it for Blaund and Ase!" he protested. Which made me grin at him and say "You're proposing to Blaund and Ase?! I didn't know that about you, Fortune!" So everybody was laughing and Fortune's face was less pink and I was breathless again, but happy this time. 

People left and people went, and I taught Georgie more how to skate. I had a great time. Does it matter what presents I got? I got two journals, adding to the two I got for Christmas and the two I've filled with writing. I'm a writer. And so there are those moments that really strike the heart.

Like when Georgie caught my arm like I did hers through our three falls. "Thanks for pushing me like that," she said. And I thought of how I'd yelled at her and folded my arms and taunted her by skating backwards whenever I said "Now skate to me," and moved whenever she got close. But I grinned back and pushed her, now that we were on solid ground and she could catch herself. 

Like when Fortune and I had one of our first real one-on-one conversations in months, which I used to love so much. It's nice to be friendly again.

Like when Vanessa, whom I have a love-hate relationship as a friend, left me a secret message on her birthday card to me, and I realize the love is more.

Like when we tried not to laugh or we'd be out and I was the first out because Fortune said something. Or how somebody would say "I was looking for you."

Like when we blew straw wrappers at each other and I hit Fortune in the forehead, or when Literally managed to spill something like he always does. When Danica wrote her name in frosting on my table. When I hugged everyone after their present.

I swear, I got high off of friends. I'm so happy right now I could die, but I know I don't want to. 

Like when Danica grabbed my arm in our last minutes on the ice rink and sang to me along with Jason Mraz. I won't give up.

I blew out my candle with tears in my eyes, because I was gonna laugh or scream or cry. But not die, because my wish was to 

Cold Feet

This morning, I slipped when I walked down the hill to my bus stop. But that was okay 'cause I caught myself. 

I'm not ready to fall, and I certainly don't want to.

So why does everything seem so pointless? This is the worst depression I've ever gotten into, and I'm so sad and I don't even know why. I was thinking about it this morning. It's not sad like those times I see Seattle and know he doesn't like me. It's not sad like the way some people look at me. It's not sad like not having a good book to read, or being late for school {not that I've ever done that} or any other kind of heartbreak.

It's me.

This morning I did a lap around my school, even though I was scared of the darkness at the back of it. I ran and ran and ran and was hardly out of my breath, but my heart was racing and I stood there singing.

Last night, I dug my baby blanket out from the closet in my parents' room. It's been folded neatly there since I put it away this summer. It was the softest thing in the world and I used to fall asleep with my hands rubbing it because it was nice to know something was that sweet and mine. But it got tattered ad I was so scared of ruining it that I put it away. But sometimes you gotta take a chance, so I brought it out because I needed it.

I cried last night so hard, but it hurt even more knowing that I had to take measured breaths and muffle myself in my baby blanket and pillow because my sister was still awake on the bottom of the bunkbed beneath me. This morning I wished I could cry, but sometimes the fake smile is natural because you don't want anybody to really see ... you want them to try to see. 

I ran more, too. I ran away from Nash and Danica, Seattle and Orqua, friends and friends and friends and friends and nobody put their arm around me 'cause nobody knows how much I'm not

all

right

and so I ran, and in Science I wrote in my journal to pass the time and my gum reserved for special occasions is running out and the snow splattered like rain against my face and I wanted so much for something to run to.

But I tore my prayers out of my notebook and gave them to Danica and I ran ran ran but she caught up and caught my shoulders in a hug from behind and slipped me a note and I almost cried reading it.

You always hit my heart in the perfect place. 

So how come no matter how many times I try to reach my own, it's broke? 

I Remember This Feeling

Lately it's like

I have nothing to go on anymore.

I was talking with Nash last night about how sad things were but all of a sudden I started talking to her about other things. How I'm always in the middle and listening to people say bad things about other people. Not really bad things, just ... different things like "She's always so protective, did you hear what she said about so-and-so today?" or "She would make a big deal out of it, she makes a big deal out of everything."

I hate hearing things like that 'cause in my mind it's tell someone their flaws so they can fix them, not tell someone else their flaws so they fall apart.

Today I felt like that about me, because either I distance myself by not saying things, or I push away by letting them come out. I feel so much, all the time. I was talking to Literally yesterday and he said I'd be great at a debate thing he did, because I'm the best writer he knows. 

What he doesn't know is that I'd be great at a debate because I argue with a passion. But that's only in my head, at night, when I scream things at the people who've done me wrong, things that I'd never be brave enough to say in real life. I'm dramatic, aren't I? Only in my head, I guess. Much of me happens in my head, and that's probably why I'm so separate.

This morning I was super separate. I could see the way Nash was looking at me, the same way she does sometimes but worse, because I knew why. Isn't it terrible when one of your best and oldest friends stares at you like they don't know you at all? 

It's worse when they stare at you like they don't want to know you at all.

But good things happened today too. Things that took me, as I just wrote to Danica in an email, further away from the sinkhole I'm losing my grip on the second time this year.

'Cause Georgie being my faithful best friend as always, accepted my help on her Science homework, making me feel appreciated. She let me steal her phone, making me feel loved. It was great just poking around at the touchscreen and complaining that my thumbs were too fat, and texting Nash anonymously and happily. It was great when we played two-on-two wallyball during PE, me and Georgie against {but not really} Orqua and Vanessa. 

And it was nice when I did something nice for Seattle, who gave me this look and a feeling I couldn't place because I hadn't had it in so long. But I'm thinking now that I remember this feeling, this feeling of knowing his eyes were on me and that they appreciated what they saw. 

I was normal too, in my math classroom calling out all the answers so my math teacher wouldn't cry over the fact that half the class wasn't listening. Anything I could do.

'Cause Danica slipped me an index card in PE today and it's got the lyrics of one of my favorite songs on it:

I hope your dreams stay big and your worries stay small.

And I almost cried but I smiled instead, because I thought of Seattle and Georgie and Danica and all my friends oh all my 

FRIENDS.