"The End"

Well, I'm sorry for posting to much today, but I just have to get these feelings out of my brain and I realized that I hadn't told you the story of Seattle and Me yet, which would help to clarify the feelings I'm feeling right now. Which is a lot of feeling, but it's true.

So these past days of school have been pretty sad, mostly because on the very last day of school, everyone went around playing cards and acting like it wasn't the last day--even the sun sets in paradise--and that's why I was being me.

And now I'm causing a scene ... need a reason to smile ...

But I spent all of yesterday, my first day of summer vacation, finding all the pictures of me and my friends that I could and making a slideshow. And even though I didn't get all the memories, I feel like I captured it pretty well.

It was funny because last night at Kahler's, the only people who weren't playing soccer and therefore actually watched the slideshow were Nash, Danica, Liberty and Stephen. Orqua came in halfway because presumably she heard the music, but anyhoo.

We stopped the movie halfway and it felt like a secret {haha} because we were the only ones who knew the movie had stopped because everyone was busy playing soccer and chasing down Seattle, who isn't really Seattle if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, but I felt like Seattle was sitting with me when I watched the slideshow for about the millionth time.

It was playing to Daylight by Maroon 5, and Liberty groaned. "Why did you play this song? I hate it."

"Yeah, why'd you pick this song?" asked Stephen.


It fit.

And even though Sunburn by Owl City might have fit better--I tried not to cry as we said goodbye but I shed a tear as you disappeared 'cause now I'm a stranger on the ground--it doesn't, actually. Daylight played through my head the entire day long but I realized, although I titled the slideshow "The End," it was wrong, because this isn't the end, this isn't the end, this is just the pause between memories and the three words I wrote on the last slide:

To Be Continued

"Maybe It's Just Me"

Sometimes I have these flashbacks.

I'm standing in the kitchen last night thinking "I can't believe it was yesterday," because the last day of school seems forever ago, even though I can remember it clearly. It's just ... maybe I've spent so much time dreaming that I can't remember real life.

I'm in Kahler's backyard watching a movie in a language I speak and missing the times when I used to do that with my family.

I'm sitting on a stone table writing in my journal and looking out at the view--the field and the sun through the maple leaves that light up like seaweed and the row of trees and beyond them, the blue of the mountains reflecting the sky. It's weird how I hardly stop to enjoy nature anymore, because I'm too busy creating things of my own.

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go with them to play soccer or something I can't recall now, but I had a split second decision and said "No."

"You should learn how to say no," I told someone last night.

"I never give in to peer pressure," said Fortune another time.

I'm sitting alone on the grass. "We're best friends so it's okay," says Nash, or Danica, because they're both huddling in the blankets together.

I grab Danica's hand to write I'm living in the past, because I still haven't realized. "You're freaking cold," she exclaims, and I smile to myself.

My hands are cold ... and I'm on my knees looking for the answer ...

I'm on my knees and they're getting grass stains but that's okay because I'm faking writing in my journal just so I won't look as lonely as I feel in the pit of me right now, because nobody's invited me to share the warmth of the blankets and I'm not sure I want to. 

And right now, I'm listening to a song that Seattle and I call "The Liar Song," but I bet he doesn't even remember that or care to.

Yes, my hands are cold, and I flashback to a moment when Seattle shined a laser light into my eyes and I remembered when he used to flash his watch at me and do just that, only the sunshine is gone right now.

Vanessa hugs me and mistakes me for Georgie, who she's been hanging out with all night, and I say it's fine when she pretty much screams "I'm so sorry!!!!"

"I guess it's just me," I say and I'm not sure if anybody hears me.

I have to leave and Danica hugs me. "You're not good at this, are you?"

"What, leaving? I leave all the time," I say, but the pit grows wider because I'm always the one who stays while everyone else leaves.

Time

I've worn a watch since the sixth grade, by which I mean I take it off to sleep etc. {like glasses! And jewelry!} and sometimes lose it ... but still. I war a watch, and I'm one of those people who looks at their watch a lot to pass the time or to freak out because it's flying by so fast.

The funny thing is that lately, I don't look at my watch at all. I'm so busy every single moment of every single day, whether it's busy being uncomfortably sad or busy being unnaturally happy.

And those are the feelings I get at summer parties.

I remember last year how there were only a few of those but I was depressed at every single one, mostly because I was so scared that it was the last time every time and that nothing would be the same again. I was so lonely then, like I'm lonely now. But things didn't change this year like I thought they would ... only this time I know for one hundred percent sure that things are going to change.

I'm going to high school. My friends are going to high school and they'll have all their old friends and I'll have them, which just makes for the fact that my friends won't be my friends anymore and I'll just be this lonely person who doesn't even have parties to show her feelings.

It's funny because I went to a party at Kahler's house yesterday even though I wasn't going to, but I figured you might as well be lonely in the middle of friends who have the potential of making you okay rather than at home where you can't help yourself. So I go to the party and I pass the time by sitting here wishing that my parents would come and pick me up and regretting that I actually came.

But you know, things can change. Because I started realizing that I'm just being dramatic. I'm a very dramatic person. And it's kind of funny that I brought my watch because I only looked at it once all of last night, and that was because I remembered that I had a watch. The rest of the night I couldn't even feel its presence on my skin {don't worry it didn't get stolen} but I think that's because I've had a realization lately that some things you only get once, so why spend those seconds looking at your watch when you could be looking at so much else?

Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

A Little Less Blah

Something strange that happens to me a lot is that I'll wake up and spontaneously have this song stuck in my head for no reason. The song changes, and sometimes I can connect it with my day.

Today it was Crush by David Archuleta:

I hung up the phone tonight, something happened for the first time
Deep inside, what a rush, what a rush
There's a possibility, that you could ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, it's just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized so mesmerized and I just got to know ...

I'm not going to put in the rest here because this isn't a lyric site {haha, you'd be mislead} but I was thinking about how sometimes I feel that way and right now the feeling is coming back.

Anyway, today was a blah day. Meaning that nothing important happened. In fact, it probably sucked if you hold it against all my other days {huh, weird}.

Maybe that's because I was a little stuck in the past. I went back through my old journal yesterday and found out that last year on this day a lot of happy things happened {as well as one unhappy thing: my science class dissected frogs. Yuck}. And I was trying to bring them into my life right now. At lunch I had strawberries like I did this day last year, and I was going to go up to an old friend and make a reference to it, but then I didn't because I realized he probably wouldn't remember.

So I didn't play soccer and sat on the grass in the little rain eating oranges with Georgie and Tangorine and Nash. Danica lay her head on my lap and we talked and wrote on each other's hands and had a blah day.


But I like it that way. Because I realize that right now I might not be feeling a lot of things I used to feel, but at least I'm feeling something, and that's a passion for the future. I may have failed my shuttle run but I'll do better next time. My umbrella may have broken but I'll find a new one for tomorrow. And Danica was asking me where we should go at the end of the year and I told her somewhere fun and she said "but you don't like that place" {or wrote it on my hand anyway} and it's true that I don't. Or didn't. But some things kind of grow on you.

And I realize that with the bad memories in places and people it's okay because you can make new ones. Those were the words I was looking for with Danica at lunch today.

So it rained on the bus ride home and I didn't talk to Seattle. Instead I talked to Kahler and we made plans for the future. And I'm ... excited. Because today might be a blah day, but there's always tomorrow.

Where the Horizon and the Rooftops Meet

It's funny how there are things you have no control of. Like how you decide to like someone or not like someone. Or the weather. Or ... your favorite color, apparently. Because lately mine is leaning towards blue.

It is such a beautiful color, and it's found everywhere. Just like my real favorite color, green, especially nowadays when I walk outside and even if it's seven in the morning the sky is full out blue and looking out at the city it's not brown, it's green, and I could just take a walk in the half-paved path in the green field by my house and be content for more than an afternoon.

And today, with the smile that I unconsciously put on, life was blue and greener than ever.

Sometimes I wonder why I like Seattle, because there's honestly not exactly a reason to like him. But it's another thing you can't control, and in the same way I wonder that, I wondered why I was having such a good day today.

Because I am having a good day. The morning went slowly, I guess, and we got stuck on this little bus instead of our normal high-school-size one. Hardly anybody was talking during the morning, and it's the first time I've worn a short-sleeve shirt that isn't just a plain T-shirt to school since the beginning of the school year. Actually, nevermind on that. But it's the first time I wore a short-sleeve shirt because the weather's been nice. Which it has.

And around PE, things changed for the better. I don't know what it is with me and my exercise, but it sure has something to do with my mood. Anyway, in PE we did our 15 minute run thing, and then Vanessa joined me for the last ten or so minutes, and we just talked and talked. And it was nice, because I remember the first time I ever ran a mile the whole way through, and it was because I started off talking to her, and I ended up needing her encouraging me. Now, I can keep pace with her and talk the whole time.

Then we were partners for softball, and I found out that I can actually catch and throw. We did this game called back it up, where one person throws and the other catches, and you reverse it. If you drop the ball you're out, and if you're not out at the end of the round then you step backwards three steps and do it again. Anyway, we made it way far apart, and we got second place to Kahler and August, who happen to be the sports queens and obviously would take forever to beat.

But Vanessa and I were proud and smiling and I ... seem to like softball now, although I'm never gonna compare to those softball pros such as Danica and Hillary!

At lunch, we sat down on the grass and all of a sudden the sprinklers went off, which was actually really fun and funny and it felt good. I played soccer and ended up in another kick-off with Fortune, and managed to outsprint him, which always makes me happy {and not just with Fortune}. Then I went to math, which was entertaining because I alternated with doing my end-of-level review and reading.

And on the bus ride home I talked and laughed with Souri, Kahler, and Liberty, and me and Kahler giggled about how Stephen's and Liberty's shirts were the same color {which also happened to match Liberty's lollipop-stained mouth}. Anyway, it was a great part of my day, not to mention me just coming from dance, where I worked my butt off but had much fun ...

and another thing, like the weather I discussed at the beginning of the post:

it's raining!

Capture the Sunshine

NOTE: These aren't my mountains. :(

This morning Georgie and I were having another day of standing there in semi-awkward silence wondering what to do with ourselves and the words that were apparently just going to have issues coming out of our mouths. "Wanna go out in the hall?" she asked, for no particular reason.

So I followed her out there ready to write in my journal but then we went to the window and the sun was rising over this little town and you could see it streaming through the mountains to light up a particular swathe* of trees.

*Don't mind me. I must've eaten a dictionary or something.

It was gorgeous, and she pulled out her camera to capture it. And that ended in us taking more pictures of my pen balancing skills, our shadows, people's legs {by accident} and ... it was nice. That kind of nice when you're super tired and you just woke from one of the best dreams ever and want to go back to sleep and live in that world instead ... but realize that this one is fine, too.

'Cause today at lunch I really played soccer for the first time in a while and didn't give up and walk away like I did yesterday. I didn't care when I didn't get the ball, and I didn't care when I did. I just had fun either way, which was ... fun, for a change. 

And the best part was how I had little muttered conversations with Fortune whom I haven't talked to in a while. Since he's a soccer pro I ended up sprinting for the soccer ball but danged it into the fence, and now I have a scrape on my foot. But it's cool having this green and red polka dot band-aid from Danica. {The last one was at the assembly.} And then I got to talk to Fortune some more on the way to Science. I hate it when my friends don't talk to me for long periods of time and it's nice to fix that.

During lunch and Science I talked a lot with August and Danica, too, as well as Nash and Souri and Kahler and Blaund and ... it was awesome.

So ... that's my story of today. Like how my dream included talking and laughing with Seattle and Stephen and Fortune on the bus and it happened in real life, which just goes to show that dreams come true.

When You Try Your Best But Don't Succeed

The title line is from Coldplay's Fix You, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. Just in case, you know, you want to stalk me even more than the info I've already given you. Which would be creepy, but not like there's stuff I HAVEN'T said here.

Anyway, it's basically how I've been feeling lately. Like I'll wait for a reply to the millions of letters I've sent in the past month and get none. Or wish I could talk to Fortune more, only never get to because I don't know why {it's probably me}.

It was like in PE today. You're all probably very familiar with the concept of me using PE to make me happy. First it was with wallyball volleyball, and me and my picking teams of the people who never get picked {except by me, another one of those who never get picked} and having fun no matter how much we lost by {which was a lot}. Then it was bowling and not letting nostalgia take me over. Then it was running far and fast and next to people, and Greni and Reta thanked me for that today after band, too. Which was cool and unexpected, because people usually don't notice what I do, especially lately.

{Unless it's being a jerk.}

So today we played handball, which is majorly confusing and would've been fun if I had not been tired from watching a movie in French yesterday and one in English today {right before PE} and running around some more and generally not having a good start to the day. My team for handball included one of my good friends Venni Laukner and this one quiet girl whom I hardly get a chance to talk to, and Orqua. It's hard to explain handball. Anyway, we were up against Kahler, August, Danica and Hillary, who all happen to be sports pros who beat the crap out of us no matter how hard we tried.

Which was pretty hard, especially near the end. I'm not good at sports, but at least I try! I'm sure everyone else on my team was trying too, but what I hate is when people split groups into their friends the sports pros and leave all the unwanted, last-picked people to fend for themselves. 

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are secretly plotting against me too, like "Let's pretend that everything is okay only we'll secretly glance at each other and say things behind her back because she's so weird." Or, "What a weirdo."

And I was playing soccer today but I ended up walking away again. I seem to do that a lot as of late.

But sometimes you don't really give up. You just go on, and see if someone takes the time to catch up to you {you have to walk slow sometimes}. 

So today I was going on, and even though I felt like crying instead I sat by a tree with Vanessa and we sat next to each other in the sunshine on the grass and just read our own separate books. "I'm sorry I wasn't very exciting," she said when we hugged to leave.

"That's okay. Sometimes I like to just sit and read. You know, get out of this world."

And it's true. I needed that break. Because I actually worked on my math test and got to read some more and then Seattle was talking and laughing with me and making fun at the way I say "Mmmmmmm" when I'm trying to get my hands to high-five Kyle the right way, only he wasn't making fun of me because he sort of blushed and was all like "I wasn't," when I accused him {not that harshly FYI}. And I know he never rides the bus on Thursday afternoons but he was there, and even when he left I felt a little bit better, because he probably knew he'd be picked up too, but he came on the bus to talk just like I did yesterday when I knew I'd be picked up.

So ... there are things like that, and I realize I've kind of been sitting around waiting for something to happen. When maybe I should get up and go someplace where something will.

For Keeps

Lately I've been going back through all my old stuff, which basically means last year.

Even looking at my handwriting, you can tell so much has changed.

But it's still cool to connect with the person I was. Go through my old math homework. My old English assignments, my old hangman games with Greni, letters from Kahler and Danica, and I even found ungiven thank-you cards from my thirteenth birthday party that I hadn't realized I still had. 

It's like how sometimes people change and things change and you're not sure where you were but all you can figure out is where you are right now. That's how I feel lately, like I'm not so sure about the future but I'm sure about my past. Maybe that's why I'm a writer, and why I write about my life sometimes: because I'm a dreamer but you need stuff to anchor you down.

Seattle will talk to me but sometimes he'll talk to someone else, and sometimes things seem hopeless between us because he'll catch my eye and look away but it's not like I care, because there are things like this morning when we walked past each other in the hallway then both looked back at the exact same time ...

So I've been going back through my old stuff, as I said before. And there are the things that make me wanna cry, but there are things like old assignments I worked with Seattle on that are so purposefully stupid I laughed my head off re-reading them and I'm bringing them to school tomorrow, like those thank-you cards, because if you don't know if you can share your future, at least you can share the past.

And I say thank you.

It's Complicated

Some days are happy days. Some days are not. 

But some days are completely in between. They're not blah days, because they're happy ad sad but I'm not sure which is more ...

Like today. It started off fine--we got free music time in Band, essentially, and I got to practice with Greni. But then, I found out that the people from the middle school came, and I missed them. People I know were in there and I had no chance at all to see them or talk to them, but whenever they're around it makes me feel all fluttery like every choice is wrong because I know I'll regret no matter what.

So when I got to Fat Cats for bowling in PE, I was all hot and cold at the same time {do not take the hot part like that please}. Then they turned off the lights for Thunder Alley and we requested music and the little neon bits in the fuzzy black walls started to glow.

I got my best bowling score for this whole unit today ... twice. But the whole time I was nostalgic and pretty much just sick, because I hate black lights and the neon wall bits and requesting songs but although I wanted to get out of there, I wanted to stay too.

So it was relief when Georgie and I left for lunch, where we had an actual conversation with our lunch group {usually now we don't have group discussions} and headed out to the soccer field.

That was where things went a little wrong, again. Of course, I ended up on the opposite team as Fortune, Vanessa, Kahler, and more--it seemed that their team overwhelmed mine and had all the really good ball hogs {and generally good soccer players}. But I ran with my bare feet and screamed at my teammates and kicked whenever I could and I was in the perfect place, far enough into the game to play it, but far enough out not to care when the other team scored goals.

So I was sweaty and happy again, and then Math passed quickly, actually, because somehow it was the day when everybody was talking to me, even though I hardly know anybody in my math class except two boys in my grade. I lent a pencil and made remarks and said yes, I do not like cheese.

I'm a little weird.

And then on the bus ride home I sat across from Seattle and we talked about books and movies and how Secondhand Lions is both our favorites, and Kyle and Souri were there too, which makes for all around niceness.

So this sunshiny day started out cold, and life is a roller coaster, but the hills make it fun.

The Eyes and I's it Takes to Realize

"There are some lessons you have to learn the hard way," Georgie agrees with me when we talk about seventh grade and how it went wrong. 

For her, it was Di. For me, it was the matter of finding me and a place I was comfortable in. And that didn't finish until around this time last year. One of the reasons was that me and Nash went down a really rocky road, started by me.

You've got to understand two things. The first is that I was over dramaticizing everything as usual, and thinking that I had it worse off than I really did. I had no best friend back then and nobody real to talk to, and my guy problems {or guy problem, should I say} was being an issue to. 

The second is that Nash is pretty much the perfect person. She's beautiful and talented and a great singer {which comes with talented} and sweet and basically, everything. So although her naturally amazing person had done nothing to upset me, I chose her to pour the blame on. And once she read what I wrote, she didn't yell back like I wanted her to {I guess I just wanted someone to feel sorry for me}. Instead it was mostly a time of sadness and me looking in the mirror and hating me more than usual. 

Nowadays, me and Nash are, in her words, "Closer than we've ever been." That's true, because last year although there hadn't been anything really between us, it was sort of strange since she wasn't as close of a friend as we had been in elementary school. But then some things happened that opened our eyes.

So that story just ties into what I want to talk about today--realizing things. Learning a lesson the second time because you were too stupid to remember what it taught you the first time. That moment when you sigh and smile at the same time because it's finally solved.

Like the moment I had last night.

So yesterday was something I didn't really want to talk about it because while I watched The Tenth Kingdom with Literally, Nash, Vanessa, Georgie and Blaund at Kahler's house, I felt really down and sad and annoyed and frustrated that I never got anything. I'm not going to go much into it because I already ranted in my journal, those pages I want to tear out now because I get it.

My lesson for today is that you should never forget anything that something or somebody teaches you, because you're going to need it again someday.

And I'm Home

There was something about today that made me feel beautiful. Not like in the physical way ... but in the mental way. Wherever you pinpoint where your feelings come from, I was warm and soft inside, like a baby blanket. And man, are those things soft.

This afternoon from 1 to 5, I was at my school decorating a section of the main hallway for school spirit. It comes from being a representative for my grade, and it was ... really awesome, actually.

I got there and it was snowing, and there was a crowd inside from the basketball game that was going on. I looked around feeling a little lost, but then I saw Georgie! What a great first person, right? We collided and then I saw Kahler and waved at her from her position on top of the stairs. She ran down and we all walked to the hallway to figure out what was going on. We got some paint and went down to the student body office (more like a supply closet actually) to get some poster paper.

Then we set to work. The main hallway was split in half--our grades got the west side of the hallway, most of which was actually trophy cases, which was not cool. Thus, we set to work decorating the columns that were on the hallway too. 

We made three column posters that took a while. Soon afterwards Fortune showed up, which meant that we had more people and thus, more fun. I think we're all neat freaks, but we still had tons of adventures dipping our arms in red paint (except for the one boy, weirdly) and stamping them all over the paper, adding one that rose above the rest carrying a spirit bowl. Then we had one that we painted camouflage all over (I SPELLED THAT RIGHT!!!!!!). 

I love mixing paint. Usually I hate painting because I suck at it, but today it was super fun. First, there was brown and green, which Fortune was surprisingly good at blobbing the brown-green paint in a way that looked like epic camouflage. After we finished that poster came a picture of our school mascot decked out in army-wear (our theme is the armed forces) and ... well, I just can't describe how much fun I had.

It's not like we talked that much, except about whether or not my gray mixing needed more white, or how red and brown is a nasty color combination thanks to August deeming it "bloody poo." But it ... it was just nice to spend four hours with friends working on things I'm going to walk past and feel proud of.

You know how they say home is where your heart lives? (At least they think they do.) Well, today has made me realize that for these past two years, this school and these friends has and have been my home. And no matter where I go after, they're gonna stay that way. :)

Nearly Old Times

I don't know why they call it the old times, because when you say "Oh the old times," that basically makes it sound like they were old and you got rid of them, but I LOVE my old times.

*cough* MOST of them.

I was thinking just barely about what to post about. So much has been going on and filling my days. That's what I love--when there's so much to write and talk about, instead of nothing, or just the bad stuff. 

This morning I had adventures of figuring out a way to keep waffles warm for Kahler. It was kind of her birthday present, I told her not to bring breakfast, and she kind of looked at me weird. Anyway, she was happy to accept them, even though they were a little soggy {I wiped the water out of the container, heated it and the waffles, and shoved it under the bus heater. They were warm when she got them}.

I read my book and wrote a lot during my TA period, and I felt bad that I wasn't doing anything and the teacher I TA for was doing all this junk, but it was okay. Then Georgie's friend came up to me just to talk and say how Georgie always talked about me and how I'm apparently a really cool person.

In History, we had a sub, which meant I finished my homework, got to listen to epic stories, and got free time to read some more.

Then in French, the fire alarm went off {I learned later that Stephen discovered it coming from a boy's bathroom} and we waited in the sunshine for forty minutes. That was one of the more bad old time parts, because the WHOLE TIME I was practically next to Pen's older brother. Not that he saw me of course.

I did walk by the Spanish classroom and see the inside of it, which I haven't since the last day of school last year ... which is why I walked quickly past it.

At lunch, I was surprised to be the first one outside ... except for Stephen and Fortune ... Seattle, who saw me walking quickly and broke into a run. I did too but he flopped his backpack down before I did, and I accused him of cheating.

He smiled, and we talked there after Stephen left, just the two of us. That hasn't happened for a long time, and having the sun shining on my back I felt kind of invincible, even though usually when these things happen I feel like crying 'cause I don't get them all the way back.

Then Danica came and talked and walked with me for lunch and we tried to interrogate Fortune out of a soccer ball. During science was another sub, and then we spent half an hour playing games. Fortune sat next to me, which was really funny because I could make him laugh with what I wrote or said or drew.

And now I'm talking to Seattle via gmail. What a day, right? What a day.

Not Just Me

Today wasn't too much of a good day.

I don't know what was with me, but by the time we were bowling in PE I was down down down. Usually I keep my spirits up, especially around Vanessa {who soaks it up when I'm not happy, because she's so good at everything}. But I was just sitting there or standing there trying not to cry. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the shirt I'm wearing. Maybe it was because there was black light. Maybe it was because my smiles ran out.

Lately I've been feeling like that. I was talking to Georgie yesterday about how some things just don't change, like the way your heart skips a beat whenever you see him. Or the way his doesn't.

Or the way you cried yourself to sleep at night after fighting for what you want.

Sometimes I'm so tired I forget to smile, or just plain forget things.

For all you who don't know, you write ZAP
on the back of someone's hand along with a
time. Then you write a dare on their palm. If they
read the dare before the time {or if someone tells
them} then they have to do it. Have fun!

But after getting nothing done at lunch, things started going okay. The guy who sits next to me in Math {who's actually kinda good looking, if you see that in people, which I don't, especially because he dated* Di a while back} was probably watching me write a birthday letter to Kahler {whose birthday is tomorrow} and draw her a pretty epic picture, if I do say so myself. Anyway, he saw the ZAP on the back of my hand, and when it was 2:10, the time of the ZAP, he tapped me and said "Hey you can look at that now."

That meant a lot to me. Like, I know, if you've been staring at somebody's weird drawings all math you might as well be bored enough to see the time on the ZAP that Danica gave them. And notify them, while staring at your watch intently so you know the time.

*Di being far too young for dating

But that was cool. Then I went to a NJHS meeting, where I played Uno with many of my friends, including Liberty. It was really funny because after a couple of games, Kahler came to sit by me. I was sitting next to Liberty {with Kahler between us, I'm not really counting her for right now 'cause she wasn't playing} so I kept trying to make him lose ...

starting from when I had a +4. I put it down and then said "Hey Liberty, what color DON'T you have?"

He was like "Um," while Kahler leaned over and said "He has two greens and a yellow."


She leaned over again while I laughed. "Make that two yellows."

So I said "I pick blue then," but before he could draw, I picked up the next four cards, which were two blue two green.

"Nevermind, I choose red," I said, and gave the cards to Liberty, who was like "What the?" while everyone laughed.

Then a couple of rounds came and he didn't have any reds while it would always be red, so he'd have to keep drawing more. We had like an all out war before I had to leave ...

TO PASS OUT INVITATIONS TO MY LITTLE SISTER'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe my mother let me go through with this. I've been wondering if I should do one for a while. I've done two surprise birthday parties before and they were both for friends, but my little sis is always saying that she hasn't had one in a while and I think she's deprived, since I've had one almost every year since fourth grade, and she's had one ... once or twice, not for the past couple of years.

So I made invitations today, and then I called my mom during NJHS and she said yes! So she drove me to my sister's school and I passed them out secretively, and then we went to the library, where I spent an epic hour checking out books {hehehe 4 thick ones} and talking to Georgie via gmail {my library has everything}.

Then I came home and went out again with previously mentioned little sis for a pi day celebration.

Here's the thing: I don't like pie.

Yet ... I had pizza {pie}, berry pie, and chicken pot pie.

Now I feel fat. But hey, content. 'Cause Georgie handed me a note this morning. It said that sometimes, she stared up at the ceiling and thinks that she'd give anything to be somebody else.


"But then I think that I would take that all back because if I was somebody else, I wouldn't have you." Or something along those lines.

I was walking to Band this morning when I read that. I got tears in my eyes then, but it hasn't hit me 'till now that it's wrong for me to be thinking so much about myself and how I wish I could change because I hate most of me. 

See, I always miss the good parts.

Like Uno, and ZAPs and even getting to bowl during PE. Like Danica and Nash helping me, like Vanessa hugging me, like little sisters and secrets they won't find out 'till Saturday. 

Like Georgie.

I Am Knighted in a Desert

Today, we had no school. Thus, I had issues waking up at six and attempting to fall asleep again. In this way, I spent much too long in the dream-world and woke up super dizzy and scared, because I had a dream that my eyes wouldn't open {thankfully they did}. 

I was feeling super loopy and grumpy because I had arguments with my mom about what school I'll go to next year. So I ended up giving life the silent treatment and sticking my nose in a book. Then I grumpily got my stuff together and my mom drove me to the park where my friends and I are having a picnic. My only friends who were there when I got there were Kahler and Fortune, who were kicking around soccer balls. But then Nash showed up, and I showed her my baby brother, who was being a marshmallow {read: not responding to my repeated "SAY HI!!!!!!!!" yellings}. Plus he was wearing a fat coat.

ANYWAY, then people started coming and I ended up in a tree. Kahler and Vanessa both showed off by going to the very top, but me and my fear of heights said no to that, so I settled a little lower than halfway and watched people kicking around soccer balls. Not too happy. But then we decided to play capture the flag. I like that game, but I never get to do anything important because I'm to paranoid. I did manage to get in jail multiple times, though.

After that we played soccer, and I raced around for a while before feeling super tired, thirsty, and useless. So me and Georgie went to the pavilion to hunt water, of which there was NONE!!!!

People started to realize this, and we were all super thirsty. The boys left, and so it was just me, Nash, Danica, Georgie, Orqua, Vanessa, and a seventh grader on my Mathcounts team. We were super thirsty, and attacked this one dude when he came over with two filled soda bottles {filled with water of course, soda is GROSS}.

Then we all chugged it and saved the rest for later as we ate snacks and chatted. Eventually we decided that we were in a kingdom under the sea and we were all mermaids, and Orqua was our princess and the guarder of the water. I got to be a knight, by way of stick.

All too soon I had to go, but happily, Nash and Danica were coming to my house. We went up to my room and talked for a while, laughing about my silly little sister {who is TOO silly if you ask me} and then we went downstairs and played Just Dance 4, and were increasingly annoyed at Nash, who is far too good at that for her own ... good. Dang it, I wasn't supposed to use that twice in a sentence.

Finally Danica and I teamed up and defeated Nash by being Moves Like Jagger! Not my ideal victory ... but victory it was!

So we sat around talking and making confessions and dream stories while eating fruit snacks. It was awesome, and I love the way there are those people I can just sit and talk with and enjoy. However, some people talk with me and it's super awkward 'cause I don't know what to say. Nash and Danica are easy to talk to, thank goodness!

We went back up to my room and I banished my little sister for a while 'cause she kept dropping stuffed animals {those cursed things} on Nash's head. Then she ran away because we were being boring {AKA making up a dance}. 

But I feel like that was an amazing way to spend my day, especially because now I have stuff to write about, and/or do. I love making progress, and quenching my thirst ... *guh*

--So Danica, now you know how pathetic I am, writing this not even half an hour after you and Nash left. What can I say? 

Something 'Bout Love

"Today's been strange," I wrote in my journal just barely, "but it felt sort of like home."

On the bus ride home, I looked forward to talking with Fortune, Kahler, and Liberty, but instead I sat next to Souri. She's not my ideal person to sit next to. She's so nice and sweet and she's always smiling no matter what, but she isn't one of my really good friends, and it's a little strange talking to her because I feel so not Souri ... you know?

But I had a good time. We talked about babysitting and for once I had a lot to say {okay, not for once, but you know what I mean}. So the time went by fast while I talked with Souri. And that felt nice.

Then on the way to this recognition ceremony for the AMC8 tonight, my mom and I talked about which school I was going to, which is undecided. I ended up in tears like every other time I talk or think about things I'm super passionate about, and I was frustrated. But when I walked into the room for the recognition assembly, Vanessa saw me and ran down the hallway and her in her bright green jeans was good enough for me and I didn't even stumble when we crashed in a hug.

So I sat next to Vanessa. Lately she hasn't been my favorite person. Especially because the only class I have with her is PE, so I get to see her be good at everything and make it look easy. But also because she sits next to me during assemblies and starts scrutinizing the cheerleaders {she's so one of them} like "Oh, their round-off back handsprings {insert some crazy cheerleader term} are looking okay. I can do that better than they can though!"

But I understand her, more than I understand many people. She and I are so alike, so it's hard to hate her. And especially because I realize how much past we have together, and how much I really do love that little girl who brings brightness to my life. {Like her name.}

Especially when we found somebody in the crowd who I sort of knew. He is annoying, I know him sorta personally, and I said he reminded me of this one friend we had last year who moved.

"Funny," she said. "I don't remember him much at all. I think that should be wrong."

"It's funny to think how much you won't miss us next year," I said, still not sure of what school I was going to.

I'm still not sure. But it didn't matter, because Vanessa looked at me and said she cried when she thought about it too hard. She prayed for me and the rest of our friends who would be leaving. And no matter if those had been lies, because they felt real, and she grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

I squeezed back, and for the remaining half hour or more of the presentations, we were like that. We said nothing about it. We whispered and talked and laughed but our hands were together squeezing.

I told my mom how it was hard to decide schools because of my friends. She wondered how friends mattered so much to me. "They're not your lovers, or your husband," she said. Quote exactly. That's my mom for ya.

I didn't say anything, because my mom isn't me. I have parts of her, but I have parts of me too.

I have my eyes, which looked at Vanessa's hand and mine, squeezing so hard they were both red.

I have my heart, which was warm from the kind ones nearby.

And I have my mind, which knew enough about the power of friendship and the David Archlueta song to ... well, to look down at those two hands holding on through forever. I felt as strong as the mountains I grew on, as deep as the roots of the tree that is me ... and for a moment there I swear, I couldn't tell
whose
hands
were
whose.

I Won't Give Up

This afternoon, from 2 to 5, I went to the local ice skating rink for a birthday party.

Before it even started, I was at the point of tears. Everybody was rushing around looking for stuff, it was snowing outside {crazily} and I was just so frustrated. Finally my mom drove me and Ameli {who, being my next door neighbor, gets a ride to save gas} to the skating rink along with my little sister, who really wanted to skate. 

So we got there at the same time as Orqua and Georgie did, and we exchanged hugs and I introduced people {Ameli} to the rest {who all knew each other from school}. Gradually more and more people arrived. Finally we had fourteen {counting me and not my sister}, one more than last year {hehe, it's so perfect}:

1. Ameli
2. Orqua
3. Georgie
4. Kahler
5. Blaund
6. Ase
7. Fortune
8. Greni
9. Tangorine
10. Nash
11. Danica
12. Literally
13. Vanessa

Anyway, we began to skate. It was frustrating because whenever I skate, nobody wants to skate with me. Everybody was splitting into their little groups like they always do, and I'm never EVER in one of these for skating. EVER. So I was a little annoyed but I helped my little sister, and I found that Greni and Ameli, being the only two who weren't in my main friends group {but still my really good friends, I'm just saying like lunch}, were following me. So I made them be friends with each other through helping Georgie, who has never skated.

When Orqua was all alone I went with her. When Georgie was stumbling I held her elbow and screamed at her even though she screamed back that she couldn't do it. But I was lonely inside too, and even my little sister didn't want to skate with me. I started two games of tag, against the rules, and I tried to be slow so anybody who wanted to could catch up. But this never works and never has, so I found myself near tears again. To the point where I found out that my depression had come back, and I really, really, REALLY wanted to end it all. Or go cry in the bathroom, 'cause I'm not brave.

So when it was half time and the zamboni came out to wipe the rink, I stood aside while Literally tried to talk to me. Fortune was sitting on the bench with his usual crowd as always. There was one time when I had stopped talking to everyone. I was standing on The Outside {Taylor Swift}. I stared at Danica until she looked at me. Nash did too, and Fortune caught my eye and waved, smiling. If I hadn't been depressed, I would've grinned and waved back. We've got so many connection sand inside jokes and he's the only one whose eye I'll catch and wave, because he waves back. But this time, my eyes were watering and there were eyes on me, so I looked away and walked, too.

But then came the time we all gathered around the table and Fortune came up with two dollars folded into a box. There was a dollar cone and a dollar ring, and Fortune was red and somebody said something about proposing. "I did it for Blaund and Ase!" he protested. Which made me grin at him and say "You're proposing to Blaund and Ase?! I didn't know that about you, Fortune!" So everybody was laughing and Fortune's face was less pink and I was breathless again, but happy this time. 

People left and people went, and I taught Georgie more how to skate. I had a great time. Does it matter what presents I got? I got two journals, adding to the two I got for Christmas and the two I've filled with writing. I'm a writer. And so there are those moments that really strike the heart.

Like when Georgie caught my arm like I did hers through our three falls. "Thanks for pushing me like that," she said. And I thought of how I'd yelled at her and folded my arms and taunted her by skating backwards whenever I said "Now skate to me," and moved whenever she got close. But I grinned back and pushed her, now that we were on solid ground and she could catch herself. 

Like when Fortune and I had one of our first real one-on-one conversations in months, which I used to love so much. It's nice to be friendly again.

Like when Vanessa, whom I have a love-hate relationship as a friend, left me a secret message on her birthday card to me, and I realize the love is more.

Like when we tried not to laugh or we'd be out and I was the first out because Fortune said something. Or how somebody would say "I was looking for you."

Like when we blew straw wrappers at each other and I hit Fortune in the forehead, or when Literally managed to spill something like he always does. When Danica wrote her name in frosting on my table. When I hugged everyone after their present.

I swear, I got high off of friends. I'm so happy right now I could die, but I know I don't want to. 

Like when Danica grabbed my arm in our last minutes on the ice rink and sang to me along with Jason Mraz. I won't give up.

I blew out my candle with tears in my eyes, because I was gonna laugh or scream or cry. But not die, because my wish was to 

Chalk Fish

Today, of all things, is my birthday.

I woke up in a good mood, which was strange because there hasn't been a good mood for me for the past couple of weeks. I put on my favorite sweater, jeans I love, comfy socks, awesome shoes. I ate a happy breakfast. I walked outside with my birthday party invites in hand and a smile on my face. I sang to myself as I walked: 

It's been a year filled with problems
But now you're here almost as if to solve them ...

That song is called The Best Thing by relient k. I love that song and it's been on my mind all day. In fact, as I walked this morning I thought Gee, it's strange because yesterday I was crying over depressing Owl City songs and fighting for my life, but today I'm just happy to be me.

Turns out I wasn't as happy as could be. I was enthusiastic in the morning, but then I realized that nobody but Kahler knew it was my birthday. I didn't see Georgie {who came over yesterday} but Nash told me to go away for a while and I was suspicious. She said happy birthday, and so did some of my other friends. Fortune was singing the birthday song that was written for me by a couple of neighbors I carpooled with several years ago. 

I was happy, though.

I was happy as I graded papers and wrote a letter to Kahler in reply to the one she gave me this morning. {Finding out later that day that she'd written letters to everyone.} I was happy as I handed out invitations and as my history teacher made everybody sing to me and I blushed blushed blushed.

*Or as much blush as I can get. Not much

In French we watched a movie and the principal came to award me and I felt special and blushing again. At lunch there was a senator meeting that I was looking forward to having Liberty come to. It was nice that Georgie did though and she gave me a fat letter that I read during Science ...

when Nash and Danica had done something special.

I walked in and there were balloons and streamers on my desk and above it. There was cute wrapping paper all over my desk and the chair. I got sung to as I stood on a stool in the front of the room. 

This is the first time that something like this has happened to me. I'd been looking forward--holy crap, looking forward--to this at night lately, the time I'm most down. 

It's funny how I can be so fake-smiley in the morning, but not to my pillow at night.

I don't know what's going on with me. I drew fish on the school sidewalk with Kahler's chalk at lunch, and they were cute and smiley with Georgie's help but there's still something WRONG.

It must be some sick sort of depression that makes me stare wide-eyed at knives or not be proud that I invited one of the sweetest loneliest girls in our grade to our lunch group like Kahler's been thinking of. 'Cause today I stood at my porch with my arms out wide, balloons in one hand, wondering what it would be like to fall.

'Cause maybe I would fly, just for a little bit. Better than feeling
like
dirt?

Hearts

Well, happy Valentine's Day! 

I'm not sure if it deserves the exclamation point or not. Today's been an interesting day, and I guess I could start by telling you about it.

I started pretty okay. I'm wearing a striped shirt that's kind of a mix between a dress and a shirt. The sleeves are stripey and long and the whole thing reminds me of Taylor Swift, but I botch it by rolling up the sleeves to elbow like I do with all long ones, and not being very graceful. Or tall. I'm not Taylor Swift, and my hair was actually perfectly straight this morning. Which was kind of a blessing.

I went to my first class, where I TA for my old English/Utah Studies teacher. She's interesting, but today I felt like part of the class as I made announcements, chatted with the students, and wrote odes with them. Well, I wrote one, and stuck it on the door. It's not as funny as my teacher says it should be, but it's sentimental and a little bit quirky and that's what I was going for. It's an ode to her classroom and all of its ... homeliness. It's like a home to everybody because sometimes we like it and sometimes we hate it, but as I wrote in my poem, it's somewhere to return to. 

Anyway, I liked the poem part. Then I went and took a quiz in my next class, which was kind of funny and surprisingly not hard. Since I finished first I got two extra credit points, and then I left for the assembly. I got to sit in between Georgie and Danica and was chosen to be a spirit leader for my age group, but somehow I ended up having tears in my eyes. Maybe it was the fact that I searched for people I didn't see in the crowd. Maybe it was the fact that I was embarrassed. Or maybe it was the fact that I was just plain annoying and annoyed.

Guh.

Then I went to French and tried not to cry. We wrote valentines for our partners in French, so I wrote one for mine. It had all the general thank-you for helping me learn French and do activities stuff, and also some notes like I like your shoes, you're quick and quirky and smart. I smiled when I passed it to her and she gave me hers, and I tucked it into my backpack without reading.

The funniest thing happened during French. It was one of those strange highlights of my day, and I wrote it down because I don't want to forget it. It was like a precious gift. While we were writing valentines we got out our French dictionaries and I was dejectedly flipping through mine when lo and behold I stopped when I saw something on the word avalanche.


Someone had written, above it, the word strawberry, naming one of Owl City's songs. I almost laughed out loud and a smile broke out across my face. Skimming through the dictionary I found others:

lonely lullaby
shooting star
adam young

And I was so amazed that somebody knew those beautiful songs and had written them there and I'd gotten that dictionary. It was nice. And the perfect Valentine's day gift, as I didn't get any. {Other than a note from August and, I guess, bread from Kahler.}

Oh. That and the card from my partner in French, which said I was smart and I thought fast, and other stuff I have yet to decipher. It means a lot to me that people I hardly even know do something sweet. 

So that's my hearts day story. Like how I felt depressed again in Science and nearly broke down crying but decided to join Danica and Nash and other people in their group to make a mobile. Danica agreed heartily when I leaned into her and said "I want stars on mine."

And I taught Danica and Nash how to do their calculations for Force Effort and Distance Resistance and things like that, which I didn't have to do. Maybe I shouldn't have, but I did, because I felt like making someone smile.

If I can't at least someone else should be able to!