"Maybe It's Just Me"

Sometimes I have these flashbacks.

I'm standing in the kitchen last night thinking "I can't believe it was yesterday," because the last day of school seems forever ago, even though I can remember it clearly. It's just ... maybe I've spent so much time dreaming that I can't remember real life.

I'm in Kahler's backyard watching a movie in a language I speak and missing the times when I used to do that with my family.

I'm sitting on a stone table writing in my journal and looking out at the view--the field and the sun through the maple leaves that light up like seaweed and the row of trees and beyond them, the blue of the mountains reflecting the sky. It's weird how I hardly stop to enjoy nature anymore, because I'm too busy creating things of my own.

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go with them to play soccer or something I can't recall now, but I had a split second decision and said "No."

"You should learn how to say no," I told someone last night.

"I never give in to peer pressure," said Fortune another time.

I'm sitting alone on the grass. "We're best friends so it's okay," says Nash, or Danica, because they're both huddling in the blankets together.

I grab Danica's hand to write I'm living in the past, because I still haven't realized. "You're freaking cold," she exclaims, and I smile to myself.

My hands are cold ... and I'm on my knees looking for the answer ...

I'm on my knees and they're getting grass stains but that's okay because I'm faking writing in my journal just so I won't look as lonely as I feel in the pit of me right now, because nobody's invited me to share the warmth of the blankets and I'm not sure I want to. 

And right now, I'm listening to a song that Seattle and I call "The Liar Song," but I bet he doesn't even remember that or care to.

Yes, my hands are cold, and I flashback to a moment when Seattle shined a laser light into my eyes and I remembered when he used to flash his watch at me and do just that, only the sunshine is gone right now.

Vanessa hugs me and mistakes me for Georgie, who she's been hanging out with all night, and I say it's fine when she pretty much screams "I'm so sorry!!!!"

"I guess it's just me," I say and I'm not sure if anybody hears me.

I have to leave and Danica hugs me. "You're not good at this, are you?"

"What, leaving? I leave all the time," I say, but the pit grows wider because I'm always the one who stays while everyone else leaves.

What Yearbooks Can't Do

It's the end of the year, guys. And no, don't be like my mom and say "But 2013 just started!" because I mean the school year. Which is pretty much the only year that has ever mattered to me ever since 4th grade, when I realized that school is the best place ever.

Right now I'm sitting here going through my yearbook and thinking about all the things it can't capture.

Sure, there are pictures of my friends and some of us going about our random school stuff. There are the teachers, there are the signatures from my friends and classmates. But ... but you can't understand by looking at my yearbook.

In fact, I don't think anyone will be able to understand that absolute brilliance that was these past two years at this school with these friends.

Pictures can't even capture what makes this life, this home, so special.

They can't capture the inside jokes, like how Orqua and I eat toes {do not take this literally. If you do not understand the inside joke, that is the precise reason it is an inside joke. But these are not live toes}.

They can't capture the soccer games we played at lunch and how they always turned into semi-violent games of hand- and foot- and head- ball. And how we always managed to hit a girl with brown hair and glasses {at least in PE}.

They can't capture the way we all gathered in the practice rooms when they were still open and sang and talked and laughed and accidentally squirted lotion all over the floor {Georgie}.

They can't capture the way everyone in our grade knew each other by first and last name and stuff otherwise. Like I know that these two guys both really like purple, or that this girl is a really good artist, or that this one dude owns a fedora and his life pretty much revolves around it.

Yeah, my friends are weird. But they're special and unique and I just can't let them go, which is why I'm sitting here flipping through my yearbook wondering how anybody ever thought this could sum up the year.

Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

A Little Less Blah

Something strange that happens to me a lot is that I'll wake up and spontaneously have this song stuck in my head for no reason. The song changes, and sometimes I can connect it with my day.

Today it was Crush by David Archuleta:

I hung up the phone tonight, something happened for the first time
Deep inside, what a rush, what a rush
There's a possibility, that you could ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, it's just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized so mesmerized and I just got to know ...

I'm not going to put in the rest here because this isn't a lyric site {haha, you'd be mislead} but I was thinking about how sometimes I feel that way and right now the feeling is coming back.

Anyway, today was a blah day. Meaning that nothing important happened. In fact, it probably sucked if you hold it against all my other days {huh, weird}.

Maybe that's because I was a little stuck in the past. I went back through my old journal yesterday and found out that last year on this day a lot of happy things happened {as well as one unhappy thing: my science class dissected frogs. Yuck}. And I was trying to bring them into my life right now. At lunch I had strawberries like I did this day last year, and I was going to go up to an old friend and make a reference to it, but then I didn't because I realized he probably wouldn't remember.

So I didn't play soccer and sat on the grass in the little rain eating oranges with Georgie and Tangorine and Nash. Danica lay her head on my lap and we talked and wrote on each other's hands and had a blah day.


But I like it that way. Because I realize that right now I might not be feeling a lot of things I used to feel, but at least I'm feeling something, and that's a passion for the future. I may have failed my shuttle run but I'll do better next time. My umbrella may have broken but I'll find a new one for tomorrow. And Danica was asking me where we should go at the end of the year and I told her somewhere fun and she said "but you don't like that place" {or wrote it on my hand anyway} and it's true that I don't. Or didn't. But some things kind of grow on you.

And I realize that with the bad memories in places and people it's okay because you can make new ones. Those were the words I was looking for with Danica at lunch today.

So it rained on the bus ride home and I didn't talk to Seattle. Instead I talked to Kahler and we made plans for the future. And I'm ... excited. Because today might be a blah day, but there's always tomorrow.

Orange Lollipops and Whoo!

Today was another good day. It's kind of strange how all of a sudden you look up and realize that the sun is shining.

Or that it's raining. Which it was today. But I didn't mind at all because who doesn't want a free shower? Besides, rain is the best weather ever, and I realize that's why I have issues singing sad songs about the rain. Which is good because I know so many good songs about the rain. 

Umm, I'll just rant now ...

But anyway, it has been awesome. First of all there was TAing with Georgie, and half the time we were just sitting there on the floor next to each other but that's okay because we're the kind of friends who don't always have to have something to fill the silence. And in US History we watched a movie, which was boring, but at least it gave me some time to learn a lot about Abraham Lincoln ... as well as time to seriously wake up and enjoy myself.

Like in French, how my old language teacher came in and started batting my bangs around my face {he usually acts like he's six} and I whacked him. Or tried to. -_- And then I got an orange lollipop {not for whacking my teacher, sadly}. 

Here, have one.

At lunch I talked with Nash and Georgie and we wandered around, lost Nash, and then found her again while it was raining. Then Danica snuck up on us and we all just stood there with our feet in a square with the rain falling fresh down on us {how can you have stale rain? Unless it's acid rain, eew}. And it was the nicest feeling, not to mention that we had a redhead, a brunette, a blond and me. Which is always nice, even though I'm not choosing my friends just for hair color ... I promise I'm not! I'm not!!!!

*ahem* So in Science I got another orange lollipop, which was funny because both times I didn't have any choice on the flavor of the lollipop. It was entertaining and relaxing and then on the bus ride home Seattle ended up across from me and I would have little side conversations with him while everyone else was loudly discussing something and we were driving down the freeway {or highway?} when he said "I wish I had a grenade to throw at that car and see what happens."

"Uhh, yeah, grenades just make flowers sprout on the windshield," I said sarcastically, which is kind of how I say everything.

{EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVerythinnnnnnng.}

Anyway, then he did this hand motion and said "Whoo!" which I made fun of him for. And he started laughing and turned all red-like, which is all his fault because he makes fun of my noises ALL THE TIME! So I spent the time saying "Whoo!" and I get a grin every time I do now, too, because I said that I'd make fun of him for that forever.

Then Georgie called me and we had another hour-or-so-long talk and we talked about how this summer we're gonna hang out as much as possible and add more to our before summer ends list and knock 'em all off.

And you know, the future doesn't seem so scary anymore.

Capture the Sunshine

NOTE: These aren't my mountains. :(

This morning Georgie and I were having another day of standing there in semi-awkward silence wondering what to do with ourselves and the words that were apparently just going to have issues coming out of our mouths. "Wanna go out in the hall?" she asked, for no particular reason.

So I followed her out there ready to write in my journal but then we went to the window and the sun was rising over this little town and you could see it streaming through the mountains to light up a particular swathe* of trees.

*Don't mind me. I must've eaten a dictionary or something.

It was gorgeous, and she pulled out her camera to capture it. And that ended in us taking more pictures of my pen balancing skills, our shadows, people's legs {by accident} and ... it was nice. That kind of nice when you're super tired and you just woke from one of the best dreams ever and want to go back to sleep and live in that world instead ... but realize that this one is fine, too.

'Cause today at lunch I really played soccer for the first time in a while and didn't give up and walk away like I did yesterday. I didn't care when I didn't get the ball, and I didn't care when I did. I just had fun either way, which was ... fun, for a change. 

And the best part was how I had little muttered conversations with Fortune whom I haven't talked to in a while. Since he's a soccer pro I ended up sprinting for the soccer ball but danged it into the fence, and now I have a scrape on my foot. But it's cool having this green and red polka dot band-aid from Danica. {The last one was at the assembly.} And then I got to talk to Fortune some more on the way to Science. I hate it when my friends don't talk to me for long periods of time and it's nice to fix that.

During lunch and Science I talked a lot with August and Danica, too, as well as Nash and Souri and Kahler and Blaund and ... it was awesome.

So ... that's my story of today. Like how my dream included talking and laughing with Seattle and Stephen and Fortune on the bus and it happened in real life, which just goes to show that dreams come true.

On Pause

As you very well know by now {or maybe not. I can be confusing} I've been pretty dang stinkin' {a phrase my sister uses a lot} depressed for a while. Or maybe not depressed. That was a different feeling. This one I'd call something like blah.

So let me rephrase ... as you very well know by now, I've been pretty dang stinkin' blah for a while.

Today I've been feelin' so down

You knocked me onto the ground

But I find a better view of the sky

So maybe I'm, maybe I'm all right

Those four lines are lyrics I just came up with. *bow* I'm not sure it applies to me, but it sort of fits the regime. And the "you" is probably me, which means that I don't have a Multiple Personality Disorder, but I think it might've been me who was the fault this time.

Well, it probably was. Not might've, not I think.

But today ... today things got better. I don't know why. Lately I get this feeling where I wake up and I forget for a moment that I'm sad and I have all these reasons to be sad and the tears that were in my eyes yesterday. But that feeling dragged on throughout the morning, when my sometimes-cranky band teacher was joking and us flautists got away with playing the piano when we were supposed to be in sectionals {sshhhhh} and in English, I sat on a table with Georgie, birthday girl Orqua, and Ase, who helped me study for the vocabulary test, and I'm pretty sure we all aced it. And hey, studying with them was super fun.

Then was an assembly. I hate assemblies usually. But this one ... this one was nice. The past two have both been stressful, because during the first one I was worried about dancing and the second one I was not sure about anything and freaking out friendwise.

But today was just great. I passed notes with Danica through Stephen who was all messenger-like, and I actually talked to Fortune for the first time in a while, and Liberty was there too, and I was next to Georgie and Orqua and having a good time, no matter how much I actually talked. Like me and Kyle established this morning, "Doing nothing with a friend is still fun."

At lunch I'd promised to tell Danica what was wrong with me, and we sat down in the grass by a tree whose leaves will make stars soon {or maybe they've already}. First she asked me some serious questions, which made me giggle because sometimes I can't help but smile when Danica is around {same with Georgie}. It was funny because I was dreading the discussion just like I did yesterday, only for different reasons. Today it was because I didn't think I was sad anymore.

Which is weird, because I know I'll have to face this sometime. But like Orqua and I said in PE, "There's no time like the present."

But I finally figured out what's wrong with me this time. 

"There's past, present, and future," I told Danica, just as this stuff was falling into my brain and out of my mouth {gross I know}. 

The thing is, lately neither of those is good for me. I'm worried about next school year so much that I basically just avoid thinking about it altogether because there's so much I want but can't have, even when I think I have the solution to everything. There's no way that will make me 100% percent happy. Or even 99%. 

And the past has never really been a good point for me. Sure, I've had plenty of good times, but dark times usually aftershadow them all and I can't think about them like Danica does. 

And right now the present isn't showing much promise either.

So I was going too fast or too slow, but now I stopped. I'm stuck. And I've been hating it.

Except for today. After math, where I happily finished my review in like twenty seconds {not really but it seemed fast} and read and wrote in my journal and relaxed. Then I went on the bus and sat across from Seattle. Which basically means almost-touching-knees and a lot of secret just-us conversations. But I'm not talking about this right now ... >.< And then he's saying stuff to just me to purposefully make me make my gross face, and I'm laughing as I leave and, like Danica my therapist says, having some hope for tomorrow.

The Question of Me

What's funny is that I haven't even noticed the depression creeping back in.

Oh? You thought I got rid of it, after that bout in January? So did I. But it turns out that some things don't stay long term no matter how much you wish they will.

This morning was nice. It was beautiful outside. I talked to Seattle. I'm wearing one of my favorite shirts and my hair isn't as annoying as I complain. 

But I woke up from troubled dreams. I missed a bus. I yelled at people. I got stares that I don't see in real life anymore because I'm too busy looking down.

And there are just those fleeting instants where I think I'm all right but then remember that I'm all wrong instead.

Just one change of direction can take you to the wrongest place ever.

Like when Georgie tries to chase me down at lunch but gives up because I run away as fast as I can and she doesn't know where, but the funny thing is how I'm not running from her, I'm running from something I don't know yet, and when I lean against a tree after running I feel lonelier than ever and wonder why there was this desperate feeling of needing to get away when Georgie is what I want, what I need, but every time I'm around her I just want to go away because she doesn't deserve to have a best friend like me, if I'm a friend at all.

I can't smile anymore, and I'm not just making me cry, and Danica's eyes are welling up and she's turned away and after science she drags me to a tree and pulls me into this hug and I cry and she says it's going to be all right I promise and I think no, no, it's not

because 
it's me
we're talking about
and I'm not really
me
anymore
am I?

A Very Important Life Lesson

I would put this on the WILT column and probably will, but I just gotta say that one thing you have to do in order to fix anything is to make sure you have both sides figured out. 

I'm going on a metaphor here, but things do break and if you just try and push one side the other side will be nudged away. You have to have a hold of both, especially if they're fragile like any living thing.

This especially goes with fights. Lately there have been quite a bit in my life lately, best friends between best friends. So maybe not necessarily best friends or not necessarily fights, but good friends and the kind of silent treatment or misunderstanding that makes you lose your footing and your tears to your pillow.

This week, Nash and Danica, the most inseparable best friends ever, had some misunderstandings. But since I was an outsider, I managed to talk to both of them and found out that they just wanted the other person to talk to them, "but she's not talking to me!". It was ... not funny because they didn't realize that their best friend wanted the same thing they did and nobody made a first move 'cause they thought the other person was ignoring them.

But they got over it. And that's like me and Georgie. We haven't been fighting, but we've been getting more and more apart because we didn't know what went wrong but something did ... but just now over gmail chat and letters we realized it's been the same thing that's wrong with us: we both think it's our fault.

When in reality it's nobody's.

I'm not saying this will always be the case, but a lot of the time you just have to take a walk in someone else's shoes. Even if they are big or small or flashy or drab or broken-in or new or whatever. There's always more you can find out ... more that will teach you how to put yourselves together again. Don't be blind.

Talking to the Moon

My sister and I got into a fight. We were at a park, and I grabbed the keys and headed home ahead of my family, and ended up talking to myself/this one guy that I always end up talking to when I'm alone. Only I haven't done it for more than a year, I'm pretty sure.

"Dear You," I'll start, only I won't say you. And I was walking fast up the hill but my words came out clear. "I haven't talked to you like this in forever. Can you blame me? It's a little crazy ... I know you'll never hear me, but sometimes you're the only one I can talk to."

'Cause of course he's the one whose house I try and fly to everytime I get the chance in a dream. And you can't blame me, because these aren't the times I'm really conscious. And I suddenly start talking about home, and how his is probably the one he comes to every night and comes from every morning, but mine moves around with people and one of them is him. 

I know you're somewhere out there

Somewhere far away

I want you back, I want you back

I was still kind of talking to him by the time I got to the stop sign. After the stop sign comes the church, by which is flat sidewalk ... but then it gets crazy uphill before turning to my house. I started running at the stop sign. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was running away from something, maybe I was running towards something, maybe it was home.

I passed a group of people in the grass and since I was wearing flip-flops I sounded all loud so I moved onto the grass but they still sort of stared at me but I just kept running. 

My neighbors think I'm crazy

But they don't understand

You're all I had, you're all I had

"I used to cry myself to sleep every night thinking about you."

But then Georgie called me and we talked about the meteor shower, and it's funny because today is her birthday so it's just super special that the shower peaks then. So we planned to get up early and call each other and just talk and look at the stars.

At night when the stars light up my room

I sit by myself talking to the moon

Trying to get to you

I started thinking about the Bruno Mars song Talking to the Moon when I woke up early and stared out my window. I've never done that, you know, stare at the moon and wonder who else is sharing the moment. But sometimes I wonder how it is that I can live in the same city as somebody yet miss them so much.

In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too

Or am I a fool who sits alone

Talking to the moon?

But you know, sometimes there are people you need more. People you don't need to miss because they're gonna be right there next to you and make everything all right, spiritually if not physically. And when we're talking on the phone it feels so easy and it's great not to pretend. 

So I stop all my melancholy thoughts and I call Georgie, thinking that even if there aren't stars we'll be okay just talking together.

I'm feeling like I'm famous

The talk of the town

They say I've gone mad, yeah

But they don't know what I know

'Cause when the sun goes down

Someone's talking back

Yeah, they're talking back

She picks up before the first ring finishes, and everything is much better than okay, and the moon is beautiful.

It's Not All Wrong Anymore

It's interesting how you expect something and get something the complete opposite.

I have a habit of being depressed at parties. There were 3.5 depressed ones before I learned how to have fun again, but then after 1.5 amazing ones there were 2 depressing ones ... then the fun one from last week ... but yesterday was Georgie's.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to be depressed at my best friend's birthday party {or mine} but things like that just happen. This week has been one of my worst all year, and that's kind of saying something. It wasn't just boy problems like it was last year. It wasn't just girl friend problems like most of this year. It wasn't just school problems. It was all three ... and let's just say I've had a TON of fun. *sarcasm*

So last night I wasn't too excited when I got to Georgie's. Her cousin was there and since I was first to arrive {I bothered my parents to drive me early because I'm always late to Georgie's house} we bopped balloons around and it was fun, but then after Nash and Danica showed up, I started clamming up. The movie started and I'd make funny remarks and Nash would smile a little, but Danica wouldn't react when I talked to her or replied to something she aimed at Nash.

So I sat all alone on my chair thinking I deserve this. And I had one of my favorite songs stuck in my head and my brain repeated this one phrase over and over again:

IT'S ALL WRONG

and I could feel the tears starting. I'd had some fun at places like these, but one thing I knew about this party was that I was going to go home and pretend it had been fun to my parents and bury my face in my pillow and cry.

But then Danica came to my rescue and she poked my sock and wouldn't give up and unknotted my hair and laughed at me and put her chin on my shoulder and said she was my conscience.

And you know, sometimes it takes your best friend having a peppermint contest with you to fix things. Sometimes it's yourself. It's all in your mind.

But sometimes you have to let your knight come in and save you and then Danica hugs me and whispers "I hope you're OK," and I say "I'm OK," because maybe I am now, and maybe I'll get better, but you gotta start from somewhere.

Let Me Make This Clear

I am not depressed.

It's funny, because technically I should be. There are so many things going wrong with my life, and people walking out of it and slamming the door behind them. But somehow I'm not. It's weird that life works that way, and instead of me wanting to just stop, I want to move on out of this dreary place, but I want to make things right instead of making them worse.

Not that I'm doing much of that.

But still, it's funny how I have no reason to be depressed and I am, and now I have every reason to be and I'm not, but maybe it's because there's so much anger filling me that there's not exactly room for blue.

It's all anger towards me. Just look at the inside of my cheek. I've been biting it off and on for the past week, and I just can't stop no matter how much I want to or try to. It's going to start bleeding soon, but for now it's a lump. And there's a scab on my leg because I scratched it in my dream-world last night, along with the palm of my left hand, which I scratch when I'm nervous but apparently also scratch in traumatic sleep.

So there's physical scars as well as mental ones.

I don't think I've ever had an argument (that wasn't a silly non-argument) with Georgie. Or Danica. Or a million other people that are currently making me burst into words like Sorry or no words at all, because they take every opportunity to leave. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just want somebody to tell me how to fix it.

Because no matter how much people enjoy hating on others, it's not fun being the person people don't like. For the past few months I've been watching my friends dislike one of our group, but now I realize she's not bad. And now I'm going to break down crying because I'm not strong like she was.

Hey, I'm sorry for the millionth time but never the last. I'm sorry for the person I see in the mirror, but I'm sorry that I can't change if I don't know what to change. 

And people may say I've always been this way, but who likes having their mouth fill with blood? I don't.


But I know I just have to do something about this.

Like how this morning I woke up with a stomachache like I haven't had since the week from sixth grade when I got them daily. I was curled up in my bed kicking my blankets and mentally screaming (not really screaming or I would wake family) and wishing I could just stop so the pain would, too. 

But something inside me decided that I wasn't going to let it stop me. So I stood despite the pain and went about life like I normally did, and soon enough it was gone in time for breakfast.

I guess there's a lesson you learn from everything, which is what I explained to my little sister yesterday when she got in trouble for spilling nail polish all over and basically ripping her nails off (don't worry it's not as gruesome as you may think). 

"Even I learn lessons sometimes," I told her yesterday.

It's true.

So I just don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this, or how to fix it, but I ... I'm going to try.

Danica gave me cards for my birthday with things about me. Currently I'm wondering if any of them are true. Yesterday I decided for kicks and giggles that I'd flip it open to look at one.

This is what it said:

YOU'RE UP TO ANY CHALLENGE

We'll see.

Or Am I?

Today hurt like how Kyle and I talked about not having nerves and not knowing about the knife until it's there.

But I've sure been looking down, so of course I know.

Seattle talks to me in the morning but I'm sure it's only just to have something to say.

Clocks comes on Pandora. 

Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides I tried to swim against

It starts at the beginning and end of the school day. Yesterday on the phone Georgie said she'd turn up the volume because I sounded quiet, but I  s quiet on purpose because I didn't know what was going on, I've been so lost ...

Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg I beg and plead ...
I just want to find a place to be. That's pretty much all I ever ask of life, just to ... that one word I wrote on a card in math yesterday, digging my pen deep into the fibers of the index card. Belong.

Trouble that can't be named

I don't know what's wrong with me. All of a sudden I'm a jerk to everybody and they're all staring at me like they just stopped talking about me behind my back and I think I know what they're saying but I can't just walk away because they're all I've got.

Come out upon my sees
Cursed missed opportunities

Seattle is laughing because of something I said in sign language to him. Danica is smiling at me. Georgie sticks out her tongue in reply to something I do in History across from the room. But nothing feels right, and I know ...

Am I a part of the cure
Or Am I a part of the disease? 

I'm part of the disease, something wrong that's taken over me and spreads into everyone else and if only they'd root me out which they will--

Home, where I wanted to go

When I'm Gone

I guess there are some magical things that can never be explained. Like how whenever I think about one of my friends and wonder if she's replied to our email conversation, I get on gmail and it's in my inbox. Or how how your day starts gives off a sign to how the whole thing will turn out.

The first thing I did was hold up my blanket so I wouldn't be seen. Then I laid my head against the wood of my bunkbed even though it was kind of hurt, and told myself I had a few more seconds before I had to get up. Then I started doubting whether I'd been woken up at all, but eventually crawled up and woke.

I feel like I can't face the world.

Today has been another blah day, I guess. The highlight of it was during PE when we ran/walked for 15 minutes, but even that wasn't a highlight, because I was so sore and tired I couldn't even enjoy the soccer we played afterwards.

So I was all bleary as I went to lunch. I got school lunch for the first time in forever, and it was probably my favorite kind, too. The kind that comes with a fortune cookie, and as I sat unwrapping it I was almost, almost happy, 'cause I love giving and getting gifts, you know? Especially fortunes, although mine are always stupid. And the aftermath of the rain felt nice against my skin when Georgie and I walked outside, which was nice.

But I unwrapped it thinking about the past and how I used to joke about stupid fortunes with the guy I liked, which is so far away it practically hurts, 'cause I can't commit myself to anything anymore. To running. To books. To writing. To crushes. To singing, to smiling, to breathing, to walking. 

To perseverance.

\'Cause normally I manage to find a way to hold on and hope on and go on. To stay strong, blah-dy blah-dy blah.

My fortune? *digs it out of pocket where it's lain forgotten*

AN ADMIRER FINDS

YOU CHARMING

PEKING NOODLE CO.

And you know, that made my day ... worse. Which made me feel worse. Which made me want to cry when I noticed that Georgie had left without me noticing, which is exactly the thing I hate when it happens to me. 

"I hate it when people walk by and see you and don't open the door," Georgie said.

Today during lunch, I kind of freaked out. I couldn't find Georgie, was too tired to play soccer, nobody was at the lunch place after I left, I was just wandering and wandering away and it wasn't like yesterday when Souri was there to come talk to me and walk with me. I felt lonely.

But then I went into the Science hall and found Georgie and Vanessa, but they were working on their Science project and I'd come sit next to them and I'd just be an extra wheel and so I would walk away again but be drawn there because they were the only friendly people around. But I felt lonelier than ever, so I left early to math singing.

I've got my ticket for the long way 'round

The one with the prettiest of views

It's got mountains it's got rivers it's got sights to give you shivers

But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone

When I'm gone

You're not gonna miss me when I'm gone

You won't notice I'm not there when I'll miss you everywhere

Yeah you're not gonna miss me when I'm gone ...

Don't Look Back

Georgie and I pass around a notebook and in it is a mood graph. There are all these little circle faces with mood labels and lines connecting them, and we make a dot on a line wherever we are at a certain time. So like if I was sort of happy, I'd put the dot on the line in between happy and neutral, say, and if I was depressed, it would probably be at the intersection of lonely, nostalgic and sad. 

My point is that moods mix up a lot, especially in one day. Things are never clean-cut in life, and sometimes you have to draw the fine lines yourself.

Like today, for example.

As I wrote in my journal during second period, it was a blah day, because it had been so far. The only interesting thing was that Georgie taught me the cup stuff that goes along with When I'm Gone. Oh yeah, and then during French I freaked out and got all shy and nervous during my final and stuttered a lot and forgot all my French preparations. But luckily for me, I had practiced a bit and am okay with puzzling out things.

During lunch though, everything kind of dipped. I went up to the lunch place and found that Georgie was busy talking with Nash. I turned to Vanessa, but she was overly cheerful as she criticized my cup-tapping skills and showed off hers. Then Blaund came to tap cups with her, and I walked away singing to myself:

When I'm gone, when I'm gooooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me everywhere
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I didn't know where I was going. Nobody followed me. I dumped my backpack in the Science building when Souri caught up with me. "Hey," she said.

We wandered, and I sang internally

When I'm gone, when I'm goooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk, you're gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I remember how Souri used to be really annoying. I mean, she's always been quiet and shy and kind, but she used to be super stubborn and wouldn't take your way, and the annoying thing is that she'd be smiling the whole time. I've always envied her ability to always be smiling, but it bugged me that she always did her own stuff, too. 

But now, Souri is kind and sweet and all the good things. She's lost that stubborn streak, although she will speak up for things she really believes in. So thinking about the old Souri, I realize I can't judge her on that, just like I hope people don't judge me on the weirdo I was that I sometimes am now. 

Don't look back.

And in Science, finding rhymes for a skit with Danica and Nash, I had the most fun in Science than I have had in a long while. So I was smiling even though I was kinda hungry and stuff ... you know. And then in my dance class, I was the one my teacher chose to stand up first and be all strong-like walking slowly forward. I had good fun in places I didn't expect it, and somehow the morning's blah faded away.

Don't look back.

100

So this is my hundredth post of this blog, and it makes me think that wow, this place has grown on me. Sometimes I think I write too much or too little and sometimes I wonder if I should delete this thing. But more often than not I re-read things or add things and generally am proud.

So here's a nice reference list of the past posts:

1. I am in a hot tub at night.
2. I get very sweaty yet smile at the same time. Weird, huh!
3. Fortune and I have a giant argument about buckets.
4. I wish I was sunburnt but glow even though I'm not.
5. I wear brown boots and get praised by my French teacher.
6. I'm sad even though it's raining.
7. Vanessa becomes okay.
8. Am I too loud?
9. I learn to hold myself back.
10. I hang out with Georgie
11. I learn that you just have to be patient.
12. What did I accomplish?
13. I find some periwinkles.
14. I dance my heart out. Well, not really. Close enough.
15. I stand on a chair yelling at people, and find I enjoy it.
16. Good things happen to those who wait.
17. Thank you to all you seventh graders.
18. Things go wrong ...
19. I paint camouflage and spend plenty of hours with friends.
20. I climb up a rock wall alone.
21. I scream. While eating ice cream. Which is rather difficult, may I just establish.
22. No matter how much you want to trust somebody ... be careful there.
23. I am all frustrated
24. Surprise!!!!
25. Things are nostalgic yet good.
26. I have an Uno Fight with Liberty, and plan surprises.
27. Dang you, copy machine.
28. I'm so happy. Thanks, Georgie.
29. Bleh.
30. I am stuck being me.
31. I get stuck in a storm or two.
32. I can let things go ... finally, eh?
33. I love my friends!
34. I am busy.
35. I get really really thirsty.
36. It's a good day.
37. Rain, finally!!!!
38. Georgie is my best friend.
39. Greg Laswell.
40. I blush mentally.
41. Lawnmowers bug me.
42. People yell.
43. I am wearing lime green!!!!
44. Somebody told me I was not what I wanted to be.
45. I can't find my fingers!
46. I accidentally fell into love again. Whoops. Ouch.
47. I am a really artsy person.
48. I wonder if Seattle likes me.
49. I love drama.
50. It is my birthday party. 
51. I am pleasantly surprised while I turn 14.
52. I run a mile.
53. Whoops, this one is actually not a published post but a draft. Heh.
54. Fortune can't see the light.
55. I find Owl City coincidences that make me smile. Oh, and it's Valentine's Day.
56. Not much happens.
57. I talk about boys.
58. Kyle is depressed.
59. I change my attitude.
60. I quote Britt Nicole's Gold.
61. I lie on the floor of Danica's closet.
62. I go to Danica's house which immediately feels like home.
63. I am even more depressed-like in the middle of somewhat happiness.
64. I am optimistic.
65. My friends cheer me up. 
66. I wear blue ribbon.
67. Someone dies.
68. Meet my crush.
69. Meet is my best friend.
70. I hope I will be remembered.
71. I rant about old friends.
72. I have projects.
73. Finding happiness in vegetables.
74. Somehow, I have disappeared.
75. I sled in the dark.
76. I cheer Orqua up.
77. I find deep meaning in clothing.
78. My favorite letter makes me happy.
79. Parts of me begin to disappear. :-O
80. I'm not hungry.
81. I think of good things.
82. I accidentally write a sad post.
83. I miss people.
84. Ugh, here is an assembly.
85. I think about me.
86. I don't care about losing.
87. I have deep thoughts about friends.
88. I speed away but slow down and have some actual fun.
89. I taste the sky and feel alive again.
90. I lead my team to non-victory victory and realize I matter.
91. I get really mad at the snow. 
92. I play around in the snow.
93. I don't go to Blaund's birthday party.
94. People are too contained and too loose.
95. I hate it when people yell.
96. When I was a young ... not warthog. I reminisce about the lovely times when I was a little kid running free.
97. I get all depressed-like.
98. I feel sort of awkward.
99. I take off ...