"The End"

Well, I'm sorry for posting to much today, but I just have to get these feelings out of my brain and I realized that I hadn't told you the story of Seattle and Me yet, which would help to clarify the feelings I'm feeling right now. Which is a lot of feeling, but it's true.

So these past days of school have been pretty sad, mostly because on the very last day of school, everyone went around playing cards and acting like it wasn't the last day--even the sun sets in paradise--and that's why I was being me.

And now I'm causing a scene ... need a reason to smile ...

But I spent all of yesterday, my first day of summer vacation, finding all the pictures of me and my friends that I could and making a slideshow. And even though I didn't get all the memories, I feel like I captured it pretty well.

It was funny because last night at Kahler's, the only people who weren't playing soccer and therefore actually watched the slideshow were Nash, Danica, Liberty and Stephen. Orqua came in halfway because presumably she heard the music, but anyhoo.

We stopped the movie halfway and it felt like a secret {haha} because we were the only ones who knew the movie had stopped because everyone was busy playing soccer and chasing down Seattle, who isn't really Seattle if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, but I felt like Seattle was sitting with me when I watched the slideshow for about the millionth time.

It was playing to Daylight by Maroon 5, and Liberty groaned. "Why did you play this song? I hate it."

"Yeah, why'd you pick this song?" asked Stephen.


It fit.

And even though Sunburn by Owl City might have fit better--I tried not to cry as we said goodbye but I shed a tear as you disappeared 'cause now I'm a stranger on the ground--it doesn't, actually. Daylight played through my head the entire day long but I realized, although I titled the slideshow "The End," it was wrong, because this isn't the end, this isn't the end, this is just the pause between memories and the three words I wrote on the last slide:

To Be Continued

Where the Horizon and the Rooftops Meet

It's funny how there are things you have no control of. Like how you decide to like someone or not like someone. Or the weather. Or ... your favorite color, apparently. Because lately mine is leaning towards blue.

It is such a beautiful color, and it's found everywhere. Just like my real favorite color, green, especially nowadays when I walk outside and even if it's seven in the morning the sky is full out blue and looking out at the city it's not brown, it's green, and I could just take a walk in the half-paved path in the green field by my house and be content for more than an afternoon.

And today, with the smile that I unconsciously put on, life was blue and greener than ever.

Sometimes I wonder why I like Seattle, because there's honestly not exactly a reason to like him. But it's another thing you can't control, and in the same way I wonder that, I wondered why I was having such a good day today.

Because I am having a good day. The morning went slowly, I guess, and we got stuck on this little bus instead of our normal high-school-size one. Hardly anybody was talking during the morning, and it's the first time I've worn a short-sleeve shirt that isn't just a plain T-shirt to school since the beginning of the school year. Actually, nevermind on that. But it's the first time I wore a short-sleeve shirt because the weather's been nice. Which it has.

And around PE, things changed for the better. I don't know what it is with me and my exercise, but it sure has something to do with my mood. Anyway, in PE we did our 15 minute run thing, and then Vanessa joined me for the last ten or so minutes, and we just talked and talked. And it was nice, because I remember the first time I ever ran a mile the whole way through, and it was because I started off talking to her, and I ended up needing her encouraging me. Now, I can keep pace with her and talk the whole time.

Then we were partners for softball, and I found out that I can actually catch and throw. We did this game called back it up, where one person throws and the other catches, and you reverse it. If you drop the ball you're out, and if you're not out at the end of the round then you step backwards three steps and do it again. Anyway, we made it way far apart, and we got second place to Kahler and August, who happen to be the sports queens and obviously would take forever to beat.

But Vanessa and I were proud and smiling and I ... seem to like softball now, although I'm never gonna compare to those softball pros such as Danica and Hillary!

At lunch, we sat down on the grass and all of a sudden the sprinklers went off, which was actually really fun and funny and it felt good. I played soccer and ended up in another kick-off with Fortune, and managed to outsprint him, which always makes me happy {and not just with Fortune}. Then I went to math, which was entertaining because I alternated with doing my end-of-level review and reading.

And on the bus ride home I talked and laughed with Souri, Kahler, and Liberty, and me and Kahler giggled about how Stephen's and Liberty's shirts were the same color {which also happened to match Liberty's lollipop-stained mouth}. Anyway, it was a great part of my day, not to mention me just coming from dance, where I worked my butt off but had much fun ...

and another thing, like the weather I discussed at the beginning of the post:

it's raining!

On Pause

As you very well know by now {or maybe not. I can be confusing} I've been pretty dang stinkin' {a phrase my sister uses a lot} depressed for a while. Or maybe not depressed. That was a different feeling. This one I'd call something like blah.

So let me rephrase ... as you very well know by now, I've been pretty dang stinkin' blah for a while.

Today I've been feelin' so down

You knocked me onto the ground

But I find a better view of the sky

So maybe I'm, maybe I'm all right

Those four lines are lyrics I just came up with. *bow* I'm not sure it applies to me, but it sort of fits the regime. And the "you" is probably me, which means that I don't have a Multiple Personality Disorder, but I think it might've been me who was the fault this time.

Well, it probably was. Not might've, not I think.

But today ... today things got better. I don't know why. Lately I get this feeling where I wake up and I forget for a moment that I'm sad and I have all these reasons to be sad and the tears that were in my eyes yesterday. But that feeling dragged on throughout the morning, when my sometimes-cranky band teacher was joking and us flautists got away with playing the piano when we were supposed to be in sectionals {sshhhhh} and in English, I sat on a table with Georgie, birthday girl Orqua, and Ase, who helped me study for the vocabulary test, and I'm pretty sure we all aced it. And hey, studying with them was super fun.

Then was an assembly. I hate assemblies usually. But this one ... this one was nice. The past two have both been stressful, because during the first one I was worried about dancing and the second one I was not sure about anything and freaking out friendwise.

But today was just great. I passed notes with Danica through Stephen who was all messenger-like, and I actually talked to Fortune for the first time in a while, and Liberty was there too, and I was next to Georgie and Orqua and having a good time, no matter how much I actually talked. Like me and Kyle established this morning, "Doing nothing with a friend is still fun."

At lunch I'd promised to tell Danica what was wrong with me, and we sat down in the grass by a tree whose leaves will make stars soon {or maybe they've already}. First she asked me some serious questions, which made me giggle because sometimes I can't help but smile when Danica is around {same with Georgie}. It was funny because I was dreading the discussion just like I did yesterday, only for different reasons. Today it was because I didn't think I was sad anymore.

Which is weird, because I know I'll have to face this sometime. But like Orqua and I said in PE, "There's no time like the present."

But I finally figured out what's wrong with me this time. 

"There's past, present, and future," I told Danica, just as this stuff was falling into my brain and out of my mouth {gross I know}. 

The thing is, lately neither of those is good for me. I'm worried about next school year so much that I basically just avoid thinking about it altogether because there's so much I want but can't have, even when I think I have the solution to everything. There's no way that will make me 100% percent happy. Or even 99%. 

And the past has never really been a good point for me. Sure, I've had plenty of good times, but dark times usually aftershadow them all and I can't think about them like Danica does. 

And right now the present isn't showing much promise either.

So I was going too fast or too slow, but now I stopped. I'm stuck. And I've been hating it.

Except for today. After math, where I happily finished my review in like twenty seconds {not really but it seemed fast} and read and wrote in my journal and relaxed. Then I went on the bus and sat across from Seattle. Which basically means almost-touching-knees and a lot of secret just-us conversations. But I'm not talking about this right now ... >.< And then he's saying stuff to just me to purposefully make me make my gross face, and I'm laughing as I leave and, like Danica my therapist says, having some hope for tomorrow.

Cute

Today's been super happy. I don't know about you, but I have a weird kind of obsession with clothing where if I'm wearing something that makes me smile, I usually have a good day. So today I ended up wearing these little brown boots. They look just like the picture, only there's two of them! :P

Anyway, those boots were kind of out of my comfort zone. For one, they're kinda short. For another, I don't usually wear boots unless they're the winter/snow kind {not that it wasn't snowing this morning. Stupid weather}. And also they were kinda big.

But still, they're awesome, and they make me smile as previously mentioned ... so I smiled and that's how I started my day, and that made it good.

This morning me and Georgie were TA'ing and we got busy covering books. This may sound tedious or annoying, but I think it's really fun, mostly because I'm doing it with Georgie. Or that I'm OCD and like being given things to do. -_- Don't use that against me ...

Then in History, Buttre was back! He's such a fun teacher and he gave us some more speeches and lectures on random things such as movies about the 1970s. I wrote a letter to Danica.

In French, we worked on our finals, and I managed to figure out that I'd overdone everything and had way too much to say about our improv conversation with my teacher. She was all like "Look how fluent she is!!!!" when all I did was ramble on and on and be really quiet and awkward. Yup, fluent.

Before lunch, I caught Seattle walking to lunch ahead of me, so I ran {well skidded in these boots} and tapped him on the right shoulder, hiding on his left side. But of course he had the sense to whirl around the left shoulder. Psh.


At lunch, I handed Danica the letter from History and she gave me this really really REALLY awesome letter. Which makes me glare her down, 'cause ain't it my job to write? Just kidding.

So now I have a flower on my left palm, which is apparently a symbol of this little "club" that Georgie, her unnamed crush, and Nash created. Which was super cute because Georgie and that guy got to touch hands so their flowers could touch ... long story. But cute.

And during Science, I was actually not confused and had fun sitting next to Danica and understanding energy pathways. Phew. It's such a relief to know what's going on!

So on the bus, I spent extra time talking to Liberty, Kyle, and Souri on the bus because we were late since we had to go pick up some people we accidentally left at school. It was funny since this one freshman was playing Pandemic 2, and Liberty and I started talking about it and discussing tactics ... and I happen to be a girl, which isn't usually a likely candidate for playing a game about infecting the world with a disease and killing every person in it. But you never know!!!! {It's all Coustic's fault, he introduced me.}

Mix in a conversation on the phone with Georgie, and that's just ... amazing. :D

Eye-Openers

"We are born with our eyes closed and our mouth open, and we spend our whole lives trying to reverse that mistake of nature." -DALE E. TURNER 

This is one of my absolute favorite quotes ever. It brings into what I want to talk about today: trust.

You never know who you can trust. Can you, ever? There's only 99 percents, because you're not someone else. For example, in the case of Georgie, I can trust her with 99% of things {like how she always steals my flute!!!!}, but there's still 1% left that she only determines. {Maybe she'll get brainwashed.}

Today, though, I found out that there are many different trust issues with the world. Take the purple quote to the right, for example. Let's just say that Liberty decided to take the place of one of the class representatives who didn't want to do it anymore. OK, personally Liberty seems really enthusiastic and good to the cause of student representing, especially since he volunteered to take someone's place when they wanted to quit. I even voted for Liberty at the beginning of the year. But every single time I remind Liberty about one of the student rep meetings, he's all enthusiastic and "I'll be there" but then he never is. It bugs the heck out of me, 'cause I think Liberty is awesome, but he keeps showing us up.

Then there are people like Kyle and Georgie, who come to every meeting regardless, and wait there for me even when I can't. I love being able to trust people. Or even the sevvie student rep, who always shows up, took my yelling match yesterday, and then tracked me down in the hallway to tell me that he'd accomplished his job. Which I was proud of.

So there are those little eye-openers, I guess, of when you can really trust people. There are just some things life throws at you to make you realize who's really good and who's really good at looking good but isn't. Or who just plain sucks.

Like this one guy, who used to be really good friends with me, but now he seems to be far away and he's become sort of a jerk. I used to like him because he was really sweet and nice, but now he's gotten really ... egotistical, I guess.

So that's my lesson on trust. Give it freely, but watch your step. 

Not Just Me

Today wasn't too much of a good day.

I don't know what was with me, but by the time we were bowling in PE I was down down down. Usually I keep my spirits up, especially around Vanessa {who soaks it up when I'm not happy, because she's so good at everything}. But I was just sitting there or standing there trying not to cry. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the shirt I'm wearing. Maybe it was because there was black light. Maybe it was because my smiles ran out.

Lately I've been feeling like that. I was talking to Georgie yesterday about how some things just don't change, like the way your heart skips a beat whenever you see him. Or the way his doesn't.

Or the way you cried yourself to sleep at night after fighting for what you want.

Sometimes I'm so tired I forget to smile, or just plain forget things.

For all you who don't know, you write ZAP
on the back of someone's hand along with a
time. Then you write a dare on their palm. If they
read the dare before the time {or if someone tells
them} then they have to do it. Have fun!

But after getting nothing done at lunch, things started going okay. The guy who sits next to me in Math {who's actually kinda good looking, if you see that in people, which I don't, especially because he dated* Di a while back} was probably watching me write a birthday letter to Kahler {whose birthday is tomorrow} and draw her a pretty epic picture, if I do say so myself. Anyway, he saw the ZAP on the back of my hand, and when it was 2:10, the time of the ZAP, he tapped me and said "Hey you can look at that now."

That meant a lot to me. Like, I know, if you've been staring at somebody's weird drawings all math you might as well be bored enough to see the time on the ZAP that Danica gave them. And notify them, while staring at your watch intently so you know the time.

*Di being far too young for dating

But that was cool. Then I went to a NJHS meeting, where I played Uno with many of my friends, including Liberty. It was really funny because after a couple of games, Kahler came to sit by me. I was sitting next to Liberty {with Kahler between us, I'm not really counting her for right now 'cause she wasn't playing} so I kept trying to make him lose ...

starting from when I had a +4. I put it down and then said "Hey Liberty, what color DON'T you have?"

He was like "Um," while Kahler leaned over and said "He has two greens and a yellow."


She leaned over again while I laughed. "Make that two yellows."

So I said "I pick blue then," but before he could draw, I picked up the next four cards, which were two blue two green.

"Nevermind, I choose red," I said, and gave the cards to Liberty, who was like "What the?" while everyone laughed.

Then a couple of rounds came and he didn't have any reds while it would always be red, so he'd have to keep drawing more. We had like an all out war before I had to leave ...

TO PASS OUT INVITATIONS TO MY LITTLE SISTER'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe my mother let me go through with this. I've been wondering if I should do one for a while. I've done two surprise birthday parties before and they were both for friends, but my little sis is always saying that she hasn't had one in a while and I think she's deprived, since I've had one almost every year since fourth grade, and she's had one ... once or twice, not for the past couple of years.

So I made invitations today, and then I called my mom during NJHS and she said yes! So she drove me to my sister's school and I passed them out secretively, and then we went to the library, where I spent an epic hour checking out books {hehehe 4 thick ones} and talking to Georgie via gmail {my library has everything}.

Then I came home and went out again with previously mentioned little sis for a pi day celebration.

Here's the thing: I don't like pie.

Yet ... I had pizza {pie}, berry pie, and chicken pot pie.

Now I feel fat. But hey, content. 'Cause Georgie handed me a note this morning. It said that sometimes, she stared up at the ceiling and thinks that she'd give anything to be somebody else.


"But then I think that I would take that all back because if I was somebody else, I wouldn't have you." Or something along those lines.

I was walking to Band this morning when I read that. I got tears in my eyes then, but it hasn't hit me 'till now that it's wrong for me to be thinking so much about myself and how I wish I could change because I hate most of me. 

See, I always miss the good parts.

Like Uno, and ZAPs and even getting to bowl during PE. Like Danica and Nash helping me, like Vanessa hugging me, like little sisters and secrets they won't find out 'till Saturday. 

Like Georgie.

I'm Not Tied

I'm Not Tied. To Anything.

I'm not tied to any routine. I go to school, but that doesn't entail what happens in there. I'll be loud and obnoxious on the bus in the morning, go to classes, go home. But still, there are so many possibilities and changes and ... good things. Somehow I'm happy because I realize that I'm not in France.

In France, it matters about the thing, not its owner. But in my life, I'm not guided by things anymore. Sure, I can be much happier when certain things happen ... but basically I'm just happy me.

So today I played soccer {not very well}. I got mad at my science test, which somehow didn't put me down. I made a poster, I had a conversation in French with my teacher, I spied on a friend's blog. I wrote letters, got freaked out by a sub who may or may not have been a mass murderer {just kidding, I was safe}, gave hugs and stuck sticky notes. I got crusts fed to me, and I laughed with Stephen and Liberty on the bus ride home.

Most of all, I dreamt. Or dreamed, but I like dreamt better. I had a weird dream a couple of days ago and got to tell it in Buttre's class {AKA History}. It was a funny dream and it was embarrassing that I had to sit in my teacher's chair to tell it, but it was cool because somebody at the back of the room said this:

"I think I'm gonna start calling you dreamgirl."

Places to Go, People to See, Dancing to Do

It's nice when you can get yourself out of the mess of worries. 

"I came up with this at night when I was trying to fall asleep," I told Georgie, Danica, and Nash during our meeting during lunch today to try and put together a dance for our grade at the next assembly. "So it might not be that great."

"I come up with all my best plans at night," said Nash, which made me believe that maybe I could plan my way out of misery.

There's a song I really love--Misery by Maroon 5. It was popular two summers ago and it was one of those songs you hear all the time but don't get tired of listening to {at least for me}. It's about being depressed, basically, but it's really poppy and if you couldn't understand the words, you'd be smiling. Not that it doesn't leave me smiling.

Anyway, today I was really happy simply because I had things to do. 

In the morning, I talked more with Seattle than I have in a while, and Liberty also walked with me to and from classes while we were figuring things out, and then I got to skip Band and parts of English for a test that counts as volunteer work. It was a fun test. 

During PE, we played an interesting game. I got stuck on the side of the people that nobody wanted {except me}. Well, we had some epic people on our team such as Hillary, Danica, and Georgie, but the other team was completely chosen out of the good people. AKA Vanessa, who loved to take charge of the sport and obsess about the whole thing. But that's what she's good at, and if she says she had fun I'm happy for her. {She didn't look like she was having too much fun, but maybe that's because when you're in a state of extreme concentration you don't have time to mess with facial expressions.}

{Not that she was ever in a state of extreme concentration, since it was an easy win for her team.}

At lunch, I had that one meeting mentioned above, which was successful and awesome. And though we switched to lame seats during math, I had lots of fun doing my homework, actually. {Weird huh.}

After that I had a Mathcounts meeting and then I went to the library for more volunteer work. I'm feeling like I've had a long day, especially after finishing a book, but I feel like I got a lot done.

And you know, one of the best cures for the blues is to rescue yourself.

Something 'Bout Love

"Today's been strange," I wrote in my journal just barely, "but it felt sort of like home."

On the bus ride home, I looked forward to talking with Fortune, Kahler, and Liberty, but instead I sat next to Souri. She's not my ideal person to sit next to. She's so nice and sweet and she's always smiling no matter what, but she isn't one of my really good friends, and it's a little strange talking to her because I feel so not Souri ... you know?

But I had a good time. We talked about babysitting and for once I had a lot to say {okay, not for once, but you know what I mean}. So the time went by fast while I talked with Souri. And that felt nice.

Then on the way to this recognition ceremony for the AMC8 tonight, my mom and I talked about which school I was going to, which is undecided. I ended up in tears like every other time I talk or think about things I'm super passionate about, and I was frustrated. But when I walked into the room for the recognition assembly, Vanessa saw me and ran down the hallway and her in her bright green jeans was good enough for me and I didn't even stumble when we crashed in a hug.

So I sat next to Vanessa. Lately she hasn't been my favorite person. Especially because the only class I have with her is PE, so I get to see her be good at everything and make it look easy. But also because she sits next to me during assemblies and starts scrutinizing the cheerleaders {she's so one of them} like "Oh, their round-off back handsprings {insert some crazy cheerleader term} are looking okay. I can do that better than they can though!"

But I understand her, more than I understand many people. She and I are so alike, so it's hard to hate her. And especially because I realize how much past we have together, and how much I really do love that little girl who brings brightness to my life. {Like her name.}

Especially when we found somebody in the crowd who I sort of knew. He is annoying, I know him sorta personally, and I said he reminded me of this one friend we had last year who moved.

"Funny," she said. "I don't remember him much at all. I think that should be wrong."

"It's funny to think how much you won't miss us next year," I said, still not sure of what school I was going to.

I'm still not sure. But it didn't matter, because Vanessa looked at me and said she cried when she thought about it too hard. She prayed for me and the rest of our friends who would be leaving. And no matter if those had been lies, because they felt real, and she grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

I squeezed back, and for the remaining half hour or more of the presentations, we were like that. We said nothing about it. We whispered and talked and laughed but our hands were together squeezing.

I told my mom how it was hard to decide schools because of my friends. She wondered how friends mattered so much to me. "They're not your lovers, or your husband," she said. Quote exactly. That's my mom for ya.

I didn't say anything, because my mom isn't me. I have parts of her, but I have parts of me too.

I have my eyes, which looked at Vanessa's hand and mine, squeezing so hard they were both red.

I have my heart, which was warm from the kind ones nearby.

And I have my mind, which knew enough about the power of friendship and the David Archlueta song to ... well, to look down at those two hands holding on through forever. I felt as strong as the mountains I grew on, as deep as the roots of the tree that is me ... and for a moment there I swear, I couldn't tell
whose
hands
were
whose.

Chalk Fish

Today, of all things, is my birthday.

I woke up in a good mood, which was strange because there hasn't been a good mood for me for the past couple of weeks. I put on my favorite sweater, jeans I love, comfy socks, awesome shoes. I ate a happy breakfast. I walked outside with my birthday party invites in hand and a smile on my face. I sang to myself as I walked: 

It's been a year filled with problems
But now you're here almost as if to solve them ...

That song is called The Best Thing by relient k. I love that song and it's been on my mind all day. In fact, as I walked this morning I thought Gee, it's strange because yesterday I was crying over depressing Owl City songs and fighting for my life, but today I'm just happy to be me.

Turns out I wasn't as happy as could be. I was enthusiastic in the morning, but then I realized that nobody but Kahler knew it was my birthday. I didn't see Georgie {who came over yesterday} but Nash told me to go away for a while and I was suspicious. She said happy birthday, and so did some of my other friends. Fortune was singing the birthday song that was written for me by a couple of neighbors I carpooled with several years ago. 

I was happy, though.

I was happy as I graded papers and wrote a letter to Kahler in reply to the one she gave me this morning. {Finding out later that day that she'd written letters to everyone.} I was happy as I handed out invitations and as my history teacher made everybody sing to me and I blushed blushed blushed.

*Or as much blush as I can get. Not much

In French we watched a movie and the principal came to award me and I felt special and blushing again. At lunch there was a senator meeting that I was looking forward to having Liberty come to. It was nice that Georgie did though and she gave me a fat letter that I read during Science ...

when Nash and Danica had done something special.

I walked in and there were balloons and streamers on my desk and above it. There was cute wrapping paper all over my desk and the chair. I got sung to as I stood on a stool in the front of the room. 

This is the first time that something like this has happened to me. I'd been looking forward--holy crap, looking forward--to this at night lately, the time I'm most down. 

It's funny how I can be so fake-smiley in the morning, but not to my pillow at night.

I don't know what's going on with me. I drew fish on the school sidewalk with Kahler's chalk at lunch, and they were cute and smiley with Georgie's help but there's still something WRONG.

It must be some sick sort of depression that makes me stare wide-eyed at knives or not be proud that I invited one of the sweetest loneliest girls in our grade to our lunch group like Kahler's been thinking of. 'Cause today I stood at my porch with my arms out wide, balloons in one hand, wondering what it would be like to fall.

'Cause maybe I would fly, just for a little bit. Better than feeling
like
dirt?

Lights

There's a phrase that goes like this: I woke up on the right side of the bed. Well, I certainly didn't fall off of my bed this morning, but I did wake up on the wrong side. I was still feeling depressed and lonely and hopeless and horrible. So I spent that morning planning that I was going to tell somebody about the pit of darkness inside of me, so at least someone would know.

But then I did my day. I'll tell it to you backwards, because I think it was the first thing that sent me sailing instead of drowning, and best for last.

I took a test in math today. Normal people don't like this, but there's something comforting about just sitting down and answering questions. That's why I liked my history test so much yesterday, because there are straightforward answers, unlike life.


During lunch, Georgie was with me the whole time, which hasn't happened lately. We sat and talked by the lunch place for a while, but then we got up and wandered around, settling on a bench by our old Graphics classroom. I got out a folder and paper and a pen and we started writing a list of things we want to do before school lets out, like sing every song off of the album Red on the bleachers {my idea}. Or paint a poster and our clothes. Or take me on the new front runner train thing I haven't been on yet.

In PE, we played speedminton. This is a version of badminton that ... somehow, I'm not too shabby at. The best thing was how I played with Danica and we kept yelling at each other trying to get the other person to win. We completely disagreed on points, no matter what really happened, and purposefully gave one another points. It ended when we both hit the birdies into the nets.

It was funny then, and it still brings a smile to my face now. I'm like a birdie, flying so high but getting stuck in a net. But somehow, people free me. Thankfully.

In English, I sat in front of Seattle. Which I love doing. And before English, I raced Liberty there, which I haven't done in a while. I'm always trying to beat him to things {lunch, English} and it's so cool that I win sometimes, especially tearing down the English hallway through the crowds of high schoolers who give us looks I don't care about in the moments I'm sprinting. He comes from a running family and he's really tall and thin and his backpack is SO much lighter than mine and he isn't carrying a flute, but somehow it doesn't even seem like he's letting me win. And I'm breathless and shaking all through English, but I like it.

And on the bus, Liberty and Fortune were talking to me. Or not really talking to me. I was staring out the window, because I started today sad. But then Fortune asked why everybody was staring at the window and Liberty and I secretly decided that we were looking at something. We didn't know what it was when we started Fortune on looking for it. 

"It's lower," "It's to the right," "Nope," we said every time he'd ask something like "Is it the mountains?" "Is it the sidewalk?"

I'd be laughing and whenever his head was looking out the window me and Liberty would share a glance and he would shrug and I would too 'cause we didn't know what we were looking at. But I realized something as I told Fortune that the sun hadn't come up yet, and I turned to Liberty and finger-spelled what we'd been looking at. What I'd been looking at, without knowing it until now. What I felt inside me at that moment, bursting like ... life.

L-I-G-H-T-S

Lonely Again, but Pretending Not To Be

This morning was FABULOUS.

I was wearing the yellow shirt that makes me happy, plus pants that make me happy, plus shoes that make me happy, plus I was happy. Clothes mean a lot to me. Go vanity! {But seriously, whenever I don't have to worry about my clothes, life is easier. Try it. Unless you're a guy. Don't be weird.}

So I got on the bus, and then Liberty did too, and he was wearing his satchel of Liberty that Georgie and I took great pains to create for his birthday. He was sitting a couple of seats away which meant I couldn't talk to him one-on-one, but when he sat down I caught his eye and smiled really wide. Which meant, Hey, thanks for not thinking it was ugly or weird or you know, and I wonder if the red fabric paint still looks pink.

I didn't get to check. But it made me smile, and even though the boys took over the conversation and I just sat around like what the heck are you talking about, I kept catching Liberty's eye and smiling. It's nice when someone knows you're watching them and smiles back. Woo!
Then I went to school, and classes, and I had fun in band with my fellow flautists. {Is that how you spell it? Floutists? Flutists? Um.} ANYWAYS, English came and went where Seattle sat right behind me and talked and joked with me when we were having that weird recorded country voice telling us Tom Sawyer. During PE I paired up with Sparrow, which was much better than realizing that nobody wanted to be pair up with me. I like taking matters into my own hands ...

But I couldn't do much about that at lunch, when I sat with friends and among friends and screamed at Blaund because He is Back. But then, friends and friends left and I was suddenly
the
only

one
there.

It felt super awkward and lonely and I just sat there wondering what to do. I took out the gum that August gave me for Christmas. It is special gum, which means I can only take it out for super special occasions and I have to write the date and reason. I know, I know. OCD.

So I wrote the date and then I wrote

Lonely again, but pretending to be happy. 

Which was just depressing, so I left against my wishes to go hide and cry by myself to go to the room where everybody was going to be, because our old English teacher was putting on Lord of the Rings. I didn't see the point of going there if it was just going to be stupid and lonely like it always was.

Which, of course, was just my good luck that today was the one day the English teacher didn't put on Lord of the Rings, and my friends had disappeared to who-know's-where. Like when Danica and Hobbs passed me in the hallway at lunch when I was wandering around looking for people, yet they didn't say hi to me even though Hobbs caught my eye. But who can blame them? I've been untouchable lately and kind of dangerous. Who knows how I might explode? Just because I've changed my attitude doesn't mean they did.

And that's the reason why I stayed behind with my clarinet sort-of-friend and cut out hearts because she was heart-attacking someone's locker. She didn't ask me to. I wasn't obliged to.

But like I said, I changed my attitude. 

If I put on a happy mask for too long, it might just melt into the real me.

(:

Hehehe

Who says you need a reason to be happy? 

My science fair project brought people together today. I think it put me back together. It's a kind of bravery to walk over to someone and sit next to them with notebook and pen in hand and ask them if you can test them. Even if they are your friend. It's nice to bridge the distance, because there are those little doubts screaming in everyone's head because we're all afraid of this word:
NO.
So today I was a bridge person and even if I didn't have as much fun being "on everybody's team" as Orqua puts it in PE ... I had fun. I had patience, and that in itself was enough to make me happy. I didn't have as much fun running. In fact, I kinda died. But I ran the whole way and I lived for that I-might-puke-guh-it'd-be-embarrassing-if-I-did feeling that I got afterwards, because the one thing you ever regret about running is slowing down.

And at lunch, one of my guy friends was sitting alone by the stairs like he did a lot lately. I laughed with my friends and was generally loud and obnoxious because that's me and an inside joke, but then I took my notebook out and bridged the distance. And Georgie took my cue and we sat with that boy trying to get him to think of a word that started with w by being little again:

"WWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwWWWWWWWWWWwwwwWWWWwwwwWWWWWWWWWWw ..."

{You try it.}

Then, today when I was testing Literally, my friends from dance came in early. Usually this would be kind of awkward {sitting there on a bench almost-next-to-a-boy-who-they-don't-know-but-you-know-very-well-and-you're-on-the-handle-bar-thing-and-he's-kind-of-sort-of-on-the-bench-close-to-you. But at least there were therapist jokes}. But I tested them all for my science fair project. We laughed and laughed and talked about Napoleon Dynamite and how we're going to get all the girls in dance to come over and watch it and have a party.

Sounds like a party. And I felt like really really really true outside-of-dance friends with everyone in class today. 

"You girls look so natural," said my dance teacher. "It's like with my high schoolers, they just stand there thinking what? But you ... just do it."

Hehe. Just do it.

Laugh!

Something Happy

Since I've made a point of being as depressed as possible lately, I've decided to try and pull you and me back up. I've been sitting here for about twenty minutes already with the thought to write a song {my last one was a couple weeks ago, even though I usually come up with them like snap} but the only subjects that came up were

• missing people
• missing Pen
• missing the happy version of me
• missing
• missing
• missing
• still missing

So, in an attempt to be smart, I've realized that if I tried to write a happy song right now it'd end up being very fake, and I'd never be able to sing it.

'Cause how do I put this? I love making people happy, making them laugh, making a fool of myself just so someone else can smile, because you can feel others' more than your own. But looking in the mirror and seeing someone who plays Silhouette on the piano {by Owl City, I love that song} and can't even sing along ... well, it's not exactly what I need to keep people happy. 

It's weekends like these where I don't feel so good--'cause Literally's birthday is soon and even though I have a present for him, somehow I don't feel like we're connected anymore. It's also Liberty's birthday soon. I jokingly promised him a while back that I'd get him a satchel of liberty. Georgie and I were making it, but somehow it stopped and she's not taking sewing anymore, but that's the only place I can make it happen. I feel like I'm letting down Liberty, and it was one of the things I was really looking forward to. But now it's not going to happen and I just feel horrible. 

I hate how lately, it seems all of my projects don't work and I have to give up because it's not in my control whether or not it would happen. 'Cause if I chose my world, I'd have a satchel of liberty in no time. I'd have a better gift for Literally too, and I'd be flying because I wouldn't get those looks. I hate when people stare at me like I've done something wrong, because I try so hard to do good.

All right, somehow this turned into a sad post too. Seriously! 

Winner

Today, I'm a winner.

Somehow, surfacing from "feeling blue" always leaves me feeling super happy. After all, just a little push isn't going to get you back from the deep holes you dig yourself into. So for no particular reason today, I started off happy. 

It was one of those quiet days on the bus, when nobody really talks no matter how much you try, but I managed to snag a conversation with Fortune, one of my friends who's usually the one to stare down my conversation starters. I love having good conversations with my friends, 'cause it's when it's me, and that one lasted all the way down the hallway and past.

And when we got past the hallway and stood by the lockers talking, I was immediately ambushed by Danica, and we talked about the stars on her sweatshirt. Sometimes I don't feel part of the conversations by the lockers in the mornings, but today I was. We talked about how Pawson broke his collarbone when he went skiing, and how Saye took a panoramic picture of the whole thing. We laughed about it, and then some of our friends showed up. I hugged Georgie and she and some of our other girl friends ambushed me by interrogating me on why I wasn't at the party.

They weren't mad. They'd missed me. 

It's a good feeling, but now I wish I'd gone.

And then during PE, the strangest winning thing happened. We played wallyball. This is a version of volleyball, but it doesn't make it any more fun. However, I managed to have fun even when Vanessa {who gets even more bossy when it comes to sports} didn't want us on her team. Of course, she chose the people who were actually good instead of Georgie and me, but that was somehow fine with me. Vanessa was freaking out and bossing people around and taking away our points because "It touched the net! It touched the net!" but my team didn't care. Half of us couldn't even set, but we had fun encouraging each other and attempting it. 

There was much laughter on our side. We cheered truly for our team and the other team, and boy did they look unhappy about that. But it's not about the sport, it's about being a good sport. So even though I was frustrated at the beginning, I smiled and somehow the three games that we didn't win were enjoyable anyway.

Being positive can cure everything. I talked to Liberty in the hallway because I got rid of my fear of being loud. I raced him to English, arrived puffy-breathed, and wasn't even nervous during a spelling bee I hadn't studied for. I was positive while I lost my disclosure for PE that was due today, and I was positive during math, which made me finish faster than anybody else when we did whiteboard exercises. Speaking of, I have my candy rewards from that in my coat pocket, and I should probably get to them before my sisters.

But still, I love that so much. It's nice that I even managed to gather the nerve to test Fortune and Liberty. I tested the guy I like, and it was a fun bus ride with everyone laughing. I love starting things like that.

And last week when I couldn't see any of the good stuff ... well, what is there, really? What's so good about all that?

It's playing my little pony with your little sister for half an hour, and comforting and whistling to your baby brother for the next. It's running down the hallway not because you're trying to beat Liberty, but because it'd be nice to reach the speed of light. It's finishing three laps of two gyms a lap running the whole time. It's when you lose, but you don't, because you smile, so you win.