Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

Where the Horizon and the Rooftops Meet

It's funny how there are things you have no control of. Like how you decide to like someone or not like someone. Or the weather. Or ... your favorite color, apparently. Because lately mine is leaning towards blue.

It is such a beautiful color, and it's found everywhere. Just like my real favorite color, green, especially nowadays when I walk outside and even if it's seven in the morning the sky is full out blue and looking out at the city it's not brown, it's green, and I could just take a walk in the half-paved path in the green field by my house and be content for more than an afternoon.

And today, with the smile that I unconsciously put on, life was blue and greener than ever.

Sometimes I wonder why I like Seattle, because there's honestly not exactly a reason to like him. But it's another thing you can't control, and in the same way I wonder that, I wondered why I was having such a good day today.

Because I am having a good day. The morning went slowly, I guess, and we got stuck on this little bus instead of our normal high-school-size one. Hardly anybody was talking during the morning, and it's the first time I've worn a short-sleeve shirt that isn't just a plain T-shirt to school since the beginning of the school year. Actually, nevermind on that. But it's the first time I wore a short-sleeve shirt because the weather's been nice. Which it has.

And around PE, things changed for the better. I don't know what it is with me and my exercise, but it sure has something to do with my mood. Anyway, in PE we did our 15 minute run thing, and then Vanessa joined me for the last ten or so minutes, and we just talked and talked. And it was nice, because I remember the first time I ever ran a mile the whole way through, and it was because I started off talking to her, and I ended up needing her encouraging me. Now, I can keep pace with her and talk the whole time.

Then we were partners for softball, and I found out that I can actually catch and throw. We did this game called back it up, where one person throws and the other catches, and you reverse it. If you drop the ball you're out, and if you're not out at the end of the round then you step backwards three steps and do it again. Anyway, we made it way far apart, and we got second place to Kahler and August, who happen to be the sports queens and obviously would take forever to beat.

But Vanessa and I were proud and smiling and I ... seem to like softball now, although I'm never gonna compare to those softball pros such as Danica and Hillary!

At lunch, we sat down on the grass and all of a sudden the sprinklers went off, which was actually really fun and funny and it felt good. I played soccer and ended up in another kick-off with Fortune, and managed to outsprint him, which always makes me happy {and not just with Fortune}. Then I went to math, which was entertaining because I alternated with doing my end-of-level review and reading.

And on the bus ride home I talked and laughed with Souri, Kahler, and Liberty, and me and Kahler giggled about how Stephen's and Liberty's shirts were the same color {which also happened to match Liberty's lollipop-stained mouth}. Anyway, it was a great part of my day, not to mention me just coming from dance, where I worked my butt off but had much fun ...

and another thing, like the weather I discussed at the beginning of the post:

it's raining!

Capture the Sunshine

NOTE: These aren't my mountains. :(

This morning Georgie and I were having another day of standing there in semi-awkward silence wondering what to do with ourselves and the words that were apparently just going to have issues coming out of our mouths. "Wanna go out in the hall?" she asked, for no particular reason.

So I followed her out there ready to write in my journal but then we went to the window and the sun was rising over this little town and you could see it streaming through the mountains to light up a particular swathe* of trees.

*Don't mind me. I must've eaten a dictionary or something.

It was gorgeous, and she pulled out her camera to capture it. And that ended in us taking more pictures of my pen balancing skills, our shadows, people's legs {by accident} and ... it was nice. That kind of nice when you're super tired and you just woke from one of the best dreams ever and want to go back to sleep and live in that world instead ... but realize that this one is fine, too.

'Cause today at lunch I really played soccer for the first time in a while and didn't give up and walk away like I did yesterday. I didn't care when I didn't get the ball, and I didn't care when I did. I just had fun either way, which was ... fun, for a change. 

And the best part was how I had little muttered conversations with Fortune whom I haven't talked to in a while. Since he's a soccer pro I ended up sprinting for the soccer ball but danged it into the fence, and now I have a scrape on my foot. But it's cool having this green and red polka dot band-aid from Danica. {The last one was at the assembly.} And then I got to talk to Fortune some more on the way to Science. I hate it when my friends don't talk to me for long periods of time and it's nice to fix that.

During lunch and Science I talked a lot with August and Danica, too, as well as Nash and Souri and Kahler and Blaund and ... it was awesome.

So ... that's my story of today. Like how my dream included talking and laughing with Seattle and Stephen and Fortune on the bus and it happened in real life, which just goes to show that dreams come true.

When I'm Gone

I guess there are some magical things that can never be explained. Like how whenever I think about one of my friends and wonder if she's replied to our email conversation, I get on gmail and it's in my inbox. Or how how your day starts gives off a sign to how the whole thing will turn out.

The first thing I did was hold up my blanket so I wouldn't be seen. Then I laid my head against the wood of my bunkbed even though it was kind of hurt, and told myself I had a few more seconds before I had to get up. Then I started doubting whether I'd been woken up at all, but eventually crawled up and woke.

I feel like I can't face the world.

Today has been another blah day, I guess. The highlight of it was during PE when we ran/walked for 15 minutes, but even that wasn't a highlight, because I was so sore and tired I couldn't even enjoy the soccer we played afterwards.

So I was all bleary as I went to lunch. I got school lunch for the first time in forever, and it was probably my favorite kind, too. The kind that comes with a fortune cookie, and as I sat unwrapping it I was almost, almost happy, 'cause I love giving and getting gifts, you know? Especially fortunes, although mine are always stupid. And the aftermath of the rain felt nice against my skin when Georgie and I walked outside, which was nice.

But I unwrapped it thinking about the past and how I used to joke about stupid fortunes with the guy I liked, which is so far away it practically hurts, 'cause I can't commit myself to anything anymore. To running. To books. To writing. To crushes. To singing, to smiling, to breathing, to walking. 

To perseverance.

\'Cause normally I manage to find a way to hold on and hope on and go on. To stay strong, blah-dy blah-dy blah.

My fortune? *digs it out of pocket where it's lain forgotten*

AN ADMIRER FINDS

YOU CHARMING

PEKING NOODLE CO.

And you know, that made my day ... worse. Which made me feel worse. Which made me want to cry when I noticed that Georgie had left without me noticing, which is exactly the thing I hate when it happens to me. 

"I hate it when people walk by and see you and don't open the door," Georgie said.

Today during lunch, I kind of freaked out. I couldn't find Georgie, was too tired to play soccer, nobody was at the lunch place after I left, I was just wandering and wandering away and it wasn't like yesterday when Souri was there to come talk to me and walk with me. I felt lonely.

But then I went into the Science hall and found Georgie and Vanessa, but they were working on their Science project and I'd come sit next to them and I'd just be an extra wheel and so I would walk away again but be drawn there because they were the only friendly people around. But I felt lonelier than ever, so I left early to math singing.

I've got my ticket for the long way 'round

The one with the prettiest of views

It's got mountains it's got rivers it's got sights to give you shivers

But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone

When I'm gone

You're not gonna miss me when I'm gone

You won't notice I'm not there when I'll miss you everywhere

Yeah you're not gonna miss me when I'm gone ...

Don't Look Back

Georgie and I pass around a notebook and in it is a mood graph. There are all these little circle faces with mood labels and lines connecting them, and we make a dot on a line wherever we are at a certain time. So like if I was sort of happy, I'd put the dot on the line in between happy and neutral, say, and if I was depressed, it would probably be at the intersection of lonely, nostalgic and sad. 

My point is that moods mix up a lot, especially in one day. Things are never clean-cut in life, and sometimes you have to draw the fine lines yourself.

Like today, for example.

As I wrote in my journal during second period, it was a blah day, because it had been so far. The only interesting thing was that Georgie taught me the cup stuff that goes along with When I'm Gone. Oh yeah, and then during French I freaked out and got all shy and nervous during my final and stuttered a lot and forgot all my French preparations. But luckily for me, I had practiced a bit and am okay with puzzling out things.

During lunch though, everything kind of dipped. I went up to the lunch place and found that Georgie was busy talking with Nash. I turned to Vanessa, but she was overly cheerful as she criticized my cup-tapping skills and showed off hers. Then Blaund came to tap cups with her, and I walked away singing to myself:

When I'm gone, when I'm gooooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me everywhere
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I didn't know where I was going. Nobody followed me. I dumped my backpack in the Science building when Souri caught up with me. "Hey," she said.

We wandered, and I sang internally

When I'm gone, when I'm goooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk, you're gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I remember how Souri used to be really annoying. I mean, she's always been quiet and shy and kind, but she used to be super stubborn and wouldn't take your way, and the annoying thing is that she'd be smiling the whole time. I've always envied her ability to always be smiling, but it bugged me that she always did her own stuff, too. 

But now, Souri is kind and sweet and all the good things. She's lost that stubborn streak, although she will speak up for things she really believes in. So thinking about the old Souri, I realize I can't judge her on that, just like I hope people don't judge me on the weirdo I was that I sometimes am now. 

Don't look back.

And in Science, finding rhymes for a skit with Danica and Nash, I had the most fun in Science than I have had in a long while. So I was smiling even though I was kinda hungry and stuff ... you know. And then in my dance class, I was the one my teacher chose to stand up first and be all strong-like walking slowly forward. I had good fun in places I didn't expect it, and somehow the morning's blah faded away.

Don't look back.

It's Complicated

Some days are happy days. Some days are not. 

But some days are completely in between. They're not blah days, because they're happy ad sad but I'm not sure which is more ...

Like today. It started off fine--we got free music time in Band, essentially, and I got to practice with Greni. But then, I found out that the people from the middle school came, and I missed them. People I know were in there and I had no chance at all to see them or talk to them, but whenever they're around it makes me feel all fluttery like every choice is wrong because I know I'll regret no matter what.

So when I got to Fat Cats for bowling in PE, I was all hot and cold at the same time {do not take the hot part like that please}. Then they turned off the lights for Thunder Alley and we requested music and the little neon bits in the fuzzy black walls started to glow.

I got my best bowling score for this whole unit today ... twice. But the whole time I was nostalgic and pretty much just sick, because I hate black lights and the neon wall bits and requesting songs but although I wanted to get out of there, I wanted to stay too.

So it was relief when Georgie and I left for lunch, where we had an actual conversation with our lunch group {usually now we don't have group discussions} and headed out to the soccer field.

That was where things went a little wrong, again. Of course, I ended up on the opposite team as Fortune, Vanessa, Kahler, and more--it seemed that their team overwhelmed mine and had all the really good ball hogs {and generally good soccer players}. But I ran with my bare feet and screamed at my teammates and kicked whenever I could and I was in the perfect place, far enough into the game to play it, but far enough out not to care when the other team scored goals.

So I was sweaty and happy again, and then Math passed quickly, actually, because somehow it was the day when everybody was talking to me, even though I hardly know anybody in my math class except two boys in my grade. I lent a pencil and made remarks and said yes, I do not like cheese.

I'm a little weird.

And then on the bus ride home I sat across from Seattle and we talked about books and movies and how Secondhand Lions is both our favorites, and Kyle and Souri were there too, which makes for all around niceness.

So this sunshiny day started out cold, and life is a roller coaster, but the hills make it fun.

Cute

Today's been super happy. I don't know about you, but I have a weird kind of obsession with clothing where if I'm wearing something that makes me smile, I usually have a good day. So today I ended up wearing these little brown boots. They look just like the picture, only there's two of them! :P

Anyway, those boots were kind of out of my comfort zone. For one, they're kinda short. For another, I don't usually wear boots unless they're the winter/snow kind {not that it wasn't snowing this morning. Stupid weather}. And also they were kinda big.

But still, they're awesome, and they make me smile as previously mentioned ... so I smiled and that's how I started my day, and that made it good.

This morning me and Georgie were TA'ing and we got busy covering books. This may sound tedious or annoying, but I think it's really fun, mostly because I'm doing it with Georgie. Or that I'm OCD and like being given things to do. -_- Don't use that against me ...

Then in History, Buttre was back! He's such a fun teacher and he gave us some more speeches and lectures on random things such as movies about the 1970s. I wrote a letter to Danica.

In French, we worked on our finals, and I managed to figure out that I'd overdone everything and had way too much to say about our improv conversation with my teacher. She was all like "Look how fluent she is!!!!" when all I did was ramble on and on and be really quiet and awkward. Yup, fluent.

Before lunch, I caught Seattle walking to lunch ahead of me, so I ran {well skidded in these boots} and tapped him on the right shoulder, hiding on his left side. But of course he had the sense to whirl around the left shoulder. Psh.


At lunch, I handed Danica the letter from History and she gave me this really really REALLY awesome letter. Which makes me glare her down, 'cause ain't it my job to write? Just kidding.

So now I have a flower on my left palm, which is apparently a symbol of this little "club" that Georgie, her unnamed crush, and Nash created. Which was super cute because Georgie and that guy got to touch hands so their flowers could touch ... long story. But cute.

And during Science, I was actually not confused and had fun sitting next to Danica and understanding energy pathways. Phew. It's such a relief to know what's going on!

So on the bus, I spent extra time talking to Liberty, Kyle, and Souri on the bus because we were late since we had to go pick up some people we accidentally left at school. It was funny since this one freshman was playing Pandemic 2, and Liberty and I started talking about it and discussing tactics ... and I happen to be a girl, which isn't usually a likely candidate for playing a game about infecting the world with a disease and killing every person in it. But you never know!!!! {It's all Coustic's fault, he introduced me.}

Mix in a conversation on the phone with Georgie, and that's just ... amazing. :D

Something 'Bout Love

"Today's been strange," I wrote in my journal just barely, "but it felt sort of like home."

On the bus ride home, I looked forward to talking with Fortune, Kahler, and Liberty, but instead I sat next to Souri. She's not my ideal person to sit next to. She's so nice and sweet and she's always smiling no matter what, but she isn't one of my really good friends, and it's a little strange talking to her because I feel so not Souri ... you know?

But I had a good time. We talked about babysitting and for once I had a lot to say {okay, not for once, but you know what I mean}. So the time went by fast while I talked with Souri. And that felt nice.

Then on the way to this recognition ceremony for the AMC8 tonight, my mom and I talked about which school I was going to, which is undecided. I ended up in tears like every other time I talk or think about things I'm super passionate about, and I was frustrated. But when I walked into the room for the recognition assembly, Vanessa saw me and ran down the hallway and her in her bright green jeans was good enough for me and I didn't even stumble when we crashed in a hug.

So I sat next to Vanessa. Lately she hasn't been my favorite person. Especially because the only class I have with her is PE, so I get to see her be good at everything and make it look easy. But also because she sits next to me during assemblies and starts scrutinizing the cheerleaders {she's so one of them} like "Oh, their round-off back handsprings {insert some crazy cheerleader term} are looking okay. I can do that better than they can though!"

But I understand her, more than I understand many people. She and I are so alike, so it's hard to hate her. And especially because I realize how much past we have together, and how much I really do love that little girl who brings brightness to my life. {Like her name.}

Especially when we found somebody in the crowd who I sort of knew. He is annoying, I know him sorta personally, and I said he reminded me of this one friend we had last year who moved.

"Funny," she said. "I don't remember him much at all. I think that should be wrong."

"It's funny to think how much you won't miss us next year," I said, still not sure of what school I was going to.

I'm still not sure. But it didn't matter, because Vanessa looked at me and said she cried when she thought about it too hard. She prayed for me and the rest of our friends who would be leaving. And no matter if those had been lies, because they felt real, and she grabbed my hand and squeezed it.

I squeezed back, and for the remaining half hour or more of the presentations, we were like that. We said nothing about it. We whispered and talked and laughed but our hands were together squeezing.

I told my mom how it was hard to decide schools because of my friends. She wondered how friends mattered so much to me. "They're not your lovers, or your husband," she said. Quote exactly. That's my mom for ya.

I didn't say anything, because my mom isn't me. I have parts of her, but I have parts of me too.

I have my eyes, which looked at Vanessa's hand and mine, squeezing so hard they were both red.

I have my heart, which was warm from the kind ones nearby.

And I have my mind, which knew enough about the power of friendship and the David Archlueta song to ... well, to look down at those two hands holding on through forever. I felt as strong as the mountains I grew on, as deep as the roots of the tree that is me ... and for a moment there I swear, I couldn't tell
whose
hands
were
whose.