"Maybe It's Just Me"

Sometimes I have these flashbacks.

I'm standing in the kitchen last night thinking "I can't believe it was yesterday," because the last day of school seems forever ago, even though I can remember it clearly. It's just ... maybe I've spent so much time dreaming that I can't remember real life.

I'm in Kahler's backyard watching a movie in a language I speak and missing the times when I used to do that with my family.

I'm sitting on a stone table writing in my journal and looking out at the view--the field and the sun through the maple leaves that light up like seaweed and the row of trees and beyond them, the blue of the mountains reflecting the sky. It's weird how I hardly stop to enjoy nature anymore, because I'm too busy creating things of my own.

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go with them to play soccer or something I can't recall now, but I had a split second decision and said "No."

"You should learn how to say no," I told someone last night.

"I never give in to peer pressure," said Fortune another time.

I'm sitting alone on the grass. "We're best friends so it's okay," says Nash, or Danica, because they're both huddling in the blankets together.

I grab Danica's hand to write I'm living in the past, because I still haven't realized. "You're freaking cold," she exclaims, and I smile to myself.

My hands are cold ... and I'm on my knees looking for the answer ...

I'm on my knees and they're getting grass stains but that's okay because I'm faking writing in my journal just so I won't look as lonely as I feel in the pit of me right now, because nobody's invited me to share the warmth of the blankets and I'm not sure I want to. 

And right now, I'm listening to a song that Seattle and I call "The Liar Song," but I bet he doesn't even remember that or care to.

Yes, my hands are cold, and I flashback to a moment when Seattle shined a laser light into my eyes and I remembered when he used to flash his watch at me and do just that, only the sunshine is gone right now.

Vanessa hugs me and mistakes me for Georgie, who she's been hanging out with all night, and I say it's fine when she pretty much screams "I'm so sorry!!!!"

"I guess it's just me," I say and I'm not sure if anybody hears me.

I have to leave and Danica hugs me. "You're not good at this, are you?"

"What, leaving? I leave all the time," I say, but the pit grows wider because I'm always the one who stays while everyone else leaves.

Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

Where the Horizon and the Rooftops Meet

It's funny how there are things you have no control of. Like how you decide to like someone or not like someone. Or the weather. Or ... your favorite color, apparently. Because lately mine is leaning towards blue.

It is such a beautiful color, and it's found everywhere. Just like my real favorite color, green, especially nowadays when I walk outside and even if it's seven in the morning the sky is full out blue and looking out at the city it's not brown, it's green, and I could just take a walk in the half-paved path in the green field by my house and be content for more than an afternoon.

And today, with the smile that I unconsciously put on, life was blue and greener than ever.

Sometimes I wonder why I like Seattle, because there's honestly not exactly a reason to like him. But it's another thing you can't control, and in the same way I wonder that, I wondered why I was having such a good day today.

Because I am having a good day. The morning went slowly, I guess, and we got stuck on this little bus instead of our normal high-school-size one. Hardly anybody was talking during the morning, and it's the first time I've worn a short-sleeve shirt that isn't just a plain T-shirt to school since the beginning of the school year. Actually, nevermind on that. But it's the first time I wore a short-sleeve shirt because the weather's been nice. Which it has.

And around PE, things changed for the better. I don't know what it is with me and my exercise, but it sure has something to do with my mood. Anyway, in PE we did our 15 minute run thing, and then Vanessa joined me for the last ten or so minutes, and we just talked and talked. And it was nice, because I remember the first time I ever ran a mile the whole way through, and it was because I started off talking to her, and I ended up needing her encouraging me. Now, I can keep pace with her and talk the whole time.

Then we were partners for softball, and I found out that I can actually catch and throw. We did this game called back it up, where one person throws and the other catches, and you reverse it. If you drop the ball you're out, and if you're not out at the end of the round then you step backwards three steps and do it again. Anyway, we made it way far apart, and we got second place to Kahler and August, who happen to be the sports queens and obviously would take forever to beat.

But Vanessa and I were proud and smiling and I ... seem to like softball now, although I'm never gonna compare to those softball pros such as Danica and Hillary!

At lunch, we sat down on the grass and all of a sudden the sprinklers went off, which was actually really fun and funny and it felt good. I played soccer and ended up in another kick-off with Fortune, and managed to outsprint him, which always makes me happy {and not just with Fortune}. Then I went to math, which was entertaining because I alternated with doing my end-of-level review and reading.

And on the bus ride home I talked and laughed with Souri, Kahler, and Liberty, and me and Kahler giggled about how Stephen's and Liberty's shirts were the same color {which also happened to match Liberty's lollipop-stained mouth}. Anyway, it was a great part of my day, not to mention me just coming from dance, where I worked my butt off but had much fun ...

and another thing, like the weather I discussed at the beginning of the post:

it's raining!

When You Try Your Best But Don't Succeed

The title line is from Coldplay's Fix You, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. Just in case, you know, you want to stalk me even more than the info I've already given you. Which would be creepy, but not like there's stuff I HAVEN'T said here.

Anyway, it's basically how I've been feeling lately. Like I'll wait for a reply to the millions of letters I've sent in the past month and get none. Or wish I could talk to Fortune more, only never get to because I don't know why {it's probably me}.

It was like in PE today. You're all probably very familiar with the concept of me using PE to make me happy. First it was with wallyball volleyball, and me and my picking teams of the people who never get picked {except by me, another one of those who never get picked} and having fun no matter how much we lost by {which was a lot}. Then it was bowling and not letting nostalgia take me over. Then it was running far and fast and next to people, and Greni and Reta thanked me for that today after band, too. Which was cool and unexpected, because people usually don't notice what I do, especially lately.

{Unless it's being a jerk.}

So today we played handball, which is majorly confusing and would've been fun if I had not been tired from watching a movie in French yesterday and one in English today {right before PE} and running around some more and generally not having a good start to the day. My team for handball included one of my good friends Venni Laukner and this one quiet girl whom I hardly get a chance to talk to, and Orqua. It's hard to explain handball. Anyway, we were up against Kahler, August, Danica and Hillary, who all happen to be sports pros who beat the crap out of us no matter how hard we tried.

Which was pretty hard, especially near the end. I'm not good at sports, but at least I try! I'm sure everyone else on my team was trying too, but what I hate is when people split groups into their friends the sports pros and leave all the unwanted, last-picked people to fend for themselves. 

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are secretly plotting against me too, like "Let's pretend that everything is okay only we'll secretly glance at each other and say things behind her back because she's so weird." Or, "What a weirdo."

And I was playing soccer today but I ended up walking away again. I seem to do that a lot as of late.

But sometimes you don't really give up. You just go on, and see if someone takes the time to catch up to you {you have to walk slow sometimes}. 

So today I was going on, and even though I felt like crying instead I sat by a tree with Vanessa and we sat next to each other in the sunshine on the grass and just read our own separate books. "I'm sorry I wasn't very exciting," she said when we hugged to leave.

"That's okay. Sometimes I like to just sit and read. You know, get out of this world."

And it's true. I needed that break. Because I actually worked on my math test and got to read some more and then Seattle was talking and laughing with me and making fun at the way I say "Mmmmmmm" when I'm trying to get my hands to high-five Kyle the right way, only he wasn't making fun of me because he sort of blushed and was all like "I wasn't," when I accused him {not that harshly FYI}. And I know he never rides the bus on Thursday afternoons but he was there, and even when he left I felt a little bit better, because he probably knew he'd be picked up too, but he came on the bus to talk just like I did yesterday when I knew I'd be picked up.

So ... there are things like that, and I realize I've kind of been sitting around waiting for something to happen. When maybe I should get up and go someplace where something will.

When I'm Gone

I guess there are some magical things that can never be explained. Like how whenever I think about one of my friends and wonder if she's replied to our email conversation, I get on gmail and it's in my inbox. Or how how your day starts gives off a sign to how the whole thing will turn out.

The first thing I did was hold up my blanket so I wouldn't be seen. Then I laid my head against the wood of my bunkbed even though it was kind of hurt, and told myself I had a few more seconds before I had to get up. Then I started doubting whether I'd been woken up at all, but eventually crawled up and woke.

I feel like I can't face the world.

Today has been another blah day, I guess. The highlight of it was during PE when we ran/walked for 15 minutes, but even that wasn't a highlight, because I was so sore and tired I couldn't even enjoy the soccer we played afterwards.

So I was all bleary as I went to lunch. I got school lunch for the first time in forever, and it was probably my favorite kind, too. The kind that comes with a fortune cookie, and as I sat unwrapping it I was almost, almost happy, 'cause I love giving and getting gifts, you know? Especially fortunes, although mine are always stupid. And the aftermath of the rain felt nice against my skin when Georgie and I walked outside, which was nice.

But I unwrapped it thinking about the past and how I used to joke about stupid fortunes with the guy I liked, which is so far away it practically hurts, 'cause I can't commit myself to anything anymore. To running. To books. To writing. To crushes. To singing, to smiling, to breathing, to walking. 

To perseverance.

\'Cause normally I manage to find a way to hold on and hope on and go on. To stay strong, blah-dy blah-dy blah.

My fortune? *digs it out of pocket where it's lain forgotten*

AN ADMIRER FINDS

YOU CHARMING

PEKING NOODLE CO.

And you know, that made my day ... worse. Which made me feel worse. Which made me want to cry when I noticed that Georgie had left without me noticing, which is exactly the thing I hate when it happens to me. 

"I hate it when people walk by and see you and don't open the door," Georgie said.

Today during lunch, I kind of freaked out. I couldn't find Georgie, was too tired to play soccer, nobody was at the lunch place after I left, I was just wandering and wandering away and it wasn't like yesterday when Souri was there to come talk to me and walk with me. I felt lonely.

But then I went into the Science hall and found Georgie and Vanessa, but they were working on their Science project and I'd come sit next to them and I'd just be an extra wheel and so I would walk away again but be drawn there because they were the only friendly people around. But I felt lonelier than ever, so I left early to math singing.

I've got my ticket for the long way 'round

The one with the prettiest of views

It's got mountains it's got rivers it's got sights to give you shivers

But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone

When I'm gone

You're not gonna miss me when I'm gone

You won't notice I'm not there when I'll miss you everywhere

Yeah you're not gonna miss me when I'm gone ...

100

So this is my hundredth post of this blog, and it makes me think that wow, this place has grown on me. Sometimes I think I write too much or too little and sometimes I wonder if I should delete this thing. But more often than not I re-read things or add things and generally am proud.

So here's a nice reference list of the past posts:

1. I am in a hot tub at night.
2. I get very sweaty yet smile at the same time. Weird, huh!
3. Fortune and I have a giant argument about buckets.
4. I wish I was sunburnt but glow even though I'm not.
5. I wear brown boots and get praised by my French teacher.
6. I'm sad even though it's raining.
7. Vanessa becomes okay.
8. Am I too loud?
9. I learn to hold myself back.
10. I hang out with Georgie
11. I learn that you just have to be patient.
12. What did I accomplish?
13. I find some periwinkles.
14. I dance my heart out. Well, not really. Close enough.
15. I stand on a chair yelling at people, and find I enjoy it.
16. Good things happen to those who wait.
17. Thank you to all you seventh graders.
18. Things go wrong ...
19. I paint camouflage and spend plenty of hours with friends.
20. I climb up a rock wall alone.
21. I scream. While eating ice cream. Which is rather difficult, may I just establish.
22. No matter how much you want to trust somebody ... be careful there.
23. I am all frustrated
24. Surprise!!!!
25. Things are nostalgic yet good.
26. I have an Uno Fight with Liberty, and plan surprises.
27. Dang you, copy machine.
28. I'm so happy. Thanks, Georgie.
29. Bleh.
30. I am stuck being me.
31. I get stuck in a storm or two.
32. I can let things go ... finally, eh?
33. I love my friends!
34. I am busy.
35. I get really really thirsty.
36. It's a good day.
37. Rain, finally!!!!
38. Georgie is my best friend.
39. Greg Laswell.
40. I blush mentally.
41. Lawnmowers bug me.
42. People yell.
43. I am wearing lime green!!!!
44. Somebody told me I was not what I wanted to be.
45. I can't find my fingers!
46. I accidentally fell into love again. Whoops. Ouch.
47. I am a really artsy person.
48. I wonder if Seattle likes me.
49. I love drama.
50. It is my birthday party. 
51. I am pleasantly surprised while I turn 14.
52. I run a mile.
53. Whoops, this one is actually not a published post but a draft. Heh.
54. Fortune can't see the light.
55. I find Owl City coincidences that make me smile. Oh, and it's Valentine's Day.
56. Not much happens.
57. I talk about boys.
58. Kyle is depressed.
59. I change my attitude.
60. I quote Britt Nicole's Gold.
61. I lie on the floor of Danica's closet.
62. I go to Danica's house which immediately feels like home.
63. I am even more depressed-like in the middle of somewhat happiness.
64. I am optimistic.
65. My friends cheer me up. 
66. I wear blue ribbon.
67. Someone dies.
68. Meet my crush.
69. Meet is my best friend.
70. I hope I will be remembered.
71. I rant about old friends.
72. I have projects.
73. Finding happiness in vegetables.
74. Somehow, I have disappeared.
75. I sled in the dark.
76. I cheer Orqua up.
77. I find deep meaning in clothing.
78. My favorite letter makes me happy.
79. Parts of me begin to disappear. :-O
80. I'm not hungry.
81. I think of good things.
82. I accidentally write a sad post.
83. I miss people.
84. Ugh, here is an assembly.
85. I think about me.
86. I don't care about losing.
87. I have deep thoughts about friends.
88. I speed away but slow down and have some actual fun.
89. I taste the sky and feel alive again.
90. I lead my team to non-victory victory and realize I matter.
91. I get really mad at the snow. 
92. I play around in the snow.
93. I don't go to Blaund's birthday party.
94. People are too contained and too loose.
95. I hate it when people yell.
96. When I was a young ... not warthog. I reminisce about the lovely times when I was a little kid running free.
97. I get all depressed-like.
98. I feel sort of awkward.
99. I take off ...

It's Complicated

Some days are happy days. Some days are not. 

But some days are completely in between. They're not blah days, because they're happy ad sad but I'm not sure which is more ...

Like today. It started off fine--we got free music time in Band, essentially, and I got to practice with Greni. But then, I found out that the people from the middle school came, and I missed them. People I know were in there and I had no chance at all to see them or talk to them, but whenever they're around it makes me feel all fluttery like every choice is wrong because I know I'll regret no matter what.

So when I got to Fat Cats for bowling in PE, I was all hot and cold at the same time {do not take the hot part like that please}. Then they turned off the lights for Thunder Alley and we requested music and the little neon bits in the fuzzy black walls started to glow.

I got my best bowling score for this whole unit today ... twice. But the whole time I was nostalgic and pretty much just sick, because I hate black lights and the neon wall bits and requesting songs but although I wanted to get out of there, I wanted to stay too.

So it was relief when Georgie and I left for lunch, where we had an actual conversation with our lunch group {usually now we don't have group discussions} and headed out to the soccer field.

That was where things went a little wrong, again. Of course, I ended up on the opposite team as Fortune, Vanessa, Kahler, and more--it seemed that their team overwhelmed mine and had all the really good ball hogs {and generally good soccer players}. But I ran with my bare feet and screamed at my teammates and kicked whenever I could and I was in the perfect place, far enough into the game to play it, but far enough out not to care when the other team scored goals.

So I was sweaty and happy again, and then Math passed quickly, actually, because somehow it was the day when everybody was talking to me, even though I hardly know anybody in my math class except two boys in my grade. I lent a pencil and made remarks and said yes, I do not like cheese.

I'm a little weird.

And then on the bus ride home I sat across from Seattle and we talked about books and movies and how Secondhand Lions is both our favorites, and Kyle and Souri were there too, which makes for all around niceness.

So this sunshiny day started out cold, and life is a roller coaster, but the hills make it fun.

Forgetment

"Fortune," says Danica, "don't forget me."

This morning, he and I were on the bus talking. Both our favorite weather is rain, and we were both like "YES!!!!" because it was falling when we were on the bus. Which somehow led into a discussion about tarps and buckets and nailing things. With magnets.

I won't go into the details of this discussion, but it was super fun. I ended up trying to make it so that his tarp-bucket plan wouldn't work. He described a tarp on top and a tarp on bottom with the top one held up by me-sized buckets, but I'd say "But if your tarps are being nailed to the buckets then they have holes in them and therefore can't hold water ..." and he'd be all like "Well ... they're nailed with magnets!"
So seriously the whole bus ride was dedicated to that argument, which was just ... amazing. And I got off the bus without the feeling that I haven't talked to Fortune in a while.

The thing is, at the beginning of this year I was kind of seriously mad/sad at him, which meant that we'd have stare-downs and I'd wonder why he wasn't my friend, yet miss him all the same. I wrote about it in journals, but right now I've forgotten what it feels like not to be Fortune's friend.

I guess that's a good thing. It's like talking to Coustic right now. We've fought a lot, but now we're back chatting. Or Vanessa at lunch, how she looked me in the eye and said "Thanks, you've been a great help." But she's needed it, and Coustic is a good friend, and I find so is Fortune.

People say trust is a paper that once crumpled can't be put back, but somehow if you smooth it out you can still think it's perfect.

Crashing Through Walls and Fighting Dragons

It should be where it rains ... anyhoo, this is Rainbow Veins by Owl City.
Love that song!

Vanessa was the one who introduced me to Long Live. 

One day long long ago I said I'd sing it with her, but I never have.

Still, I feel like we've lived it.

Vanessa and I have been through demons and dragons and monsters and fights and so much, but we're still friends. We still understand each other, and we won't turn our backs when it's us against the world.

"Is Vanessa OK?" asked Orqua in bowling today.

Vanessa was reading a book away from the crowd.

There were times I could've given up. Sometimes Vanessa gives up on me and sometimes I do in return. But today I could've given up when I saw her like that. I could've given up when she said "I'm just tired," or when she said "I'll just email you, okay?"

But sometime runs deeper than all the times we fought over guys, or we'd have a gap of time when we just didn't hang out. 

'Cause when your friend smiles, so do you, and you don't mind taking your lunch period cheering them up because it's worth it when you press your forehead to theirs and say "You're gonna be okay. Don't cry" and they say "Promise" and you wave at them when they walk away knowing they'll be back no matter how long they're gone.

The Eyes and I's it Takes to Realize

"There are some lessons you have to learn the hard way," Georgie agrees with me when we talk about seventh grade and how it went wrong. 

For her, it was Di. For me, it was the matter of finding me and a place I was comfortable in. And that didn't finish until around this time last year. One of the reasons was that me and Nash went down a really rocky road, started by me.

You've got to understand two things. The first is that I was over dramaticizing everything as usual, and thinking that I had it worse off than I really did. I had no best friend back then and nobody real to talk to, and my guy problems {or guy problem, should I say} was being an issue to. 

The second is that Nash is pretty much the perfect person. She's beautiful and talented and a great singer {which comes with talented} and sweet and basically, everything. So although her naturally amazing person had done nothing to upset me, I chose her to pour the blame on. And once she read what I wrote, she didn't yell back like I wanted her to {I guess I just wanted someone to feel sorry for me}. Instead it was mostly a time of sadness and me looking in the mirror and hating me more than usual. 

Nowadays, me and Nash are, in her words, "Closer than we've ever been." That's true, because last year although there hadn't been anything really between us, it was sort of strange since she wasn't as close of a friend as we had been in elementary school. But then some things happened that opened our eyes.

So that story just ties into what I want to talk about today--realizing things. Learning a lesson the second time because you were too stupid to remember what it taught you the first time. That moment when you sigh and smile at the same time because it's finally solved.

Like the moment I had last night.

So yesterday was something I didn't really want to talk about it because while I watched The Tenth Kingdom with Literally, Nash, Vanessa, Georgie and Blaund at Kahler's house, I felt really down and sad and annoyed and frustrated that I never got anything. I'm not going to go much into it because I already ranted in my journal, those pages I want to tear out now because I get it.

My lesson for today is that you should never forget anything that something or somebody teaches you, because you're going to need it again someday.

I Said Remember This Moment

Long Live just came on Pandora, and that is so perfect for what I'm writing about.

There's so much that's been going on today. First in Band, I had super much talking with Greni and my flute mates, and then in English, Mr. Okaae LET US HAVE 15 MINUTES TO DO THE ASSEMBLY DANCE PRACTICE!!!!!! WHICH MEANS WE GOT TO GET OUT OF READING TOM SAWYER!!!!!*

*The most boring book ever. Sorry, Mark Twain. You're better at quotes.

Then I survived Math without getting bored at all {and actually had fun in Bowling, where crazy Vanessa got 4 strikes in a row}. 

Then afterschool. The place I'd been dreading.

See, we've been planning this afterschool meeting for a while, but Vanessa forgot to get the notice out, so hardly anybody knew. Everybody kept telling me and Georgie things like "You know, nobody's going to show up there."

But today Kyle said that to me and I said back "That's just because you won't be there." 

Today I've been so brave in getting things for this dance. I'm not afraid to speak out for its cause anymore. 


Especially after what happened.

So there I went afterschool, not sure what would happen because, you know, everybody kept telling me we'd fail, and there weren't that many people who showed up to lunch meetings. But there were 36 or more of us, and quickly I realized that we had enough. And as I stood there on a chair watching people and yelling the counts, I felt so blessed. 

'Cause I finally realize what I should've: that not only hoping this much, but caring and working towards it, has made it impossible to fail. As I've said to Georgie over and over again, even if this dance is a little blip on the map, it means a lot to me. I went full-out. It's like my child, sort of. And I'm ... just so proud.

I was so proud when I saw at least 32 people who care as much as me. I was so proud when my sore throated voice did not give in and I managed to yell above the crowd. 

Today after Bowling I was a little worried, but I walked with Georgie. We sang Taylor Swift songs. I started, but then she led to Red. I figured that wasn't our mindset so I switched to Begin Again. Then we went to the bathroom with great acoustics and sang Starlight. But the one song we went all the way through was Change.

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
To fight for what we've worked for all these years
And the battle was long it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand as champions tonight?

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
Those walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up 'cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah, oh ...

Fall Down Seven, Stand Up Eight

Aah, so you see, this assembly dance is probably going to end up frustrating you as much as it does me, but for entirely different reasons.

Not that I'm frustrated with it anymore. Georgie and our long phone calls have helped me to see that ... you know, it's going well. 

It's amazing how much we've been through. I can't believe that the dance crew & I have gone this far. We've had to make the dance, pick a song, teach it to people, find time to teach it to people {not necessarily in that order} and all this JUNK. But ... it's great to know that we're good enough to keep going on and, you know, not give up. And I'm so thankful to Vanessa, Danica, and Nash, my fellow teachers. I'm so thankful towards people like Greni and Reta who believe in the dance enough to be dance it too.

Ugh, I'm so excited. I can't believe that I'm happy today, because lately everything has been so crazy. But today all of my stress has gone away. I've figured out what's going on during freshman year. I've realized that even if it's only me {and Georgie; I know she won't give up either} dancing on Friday ... I'll be happy. I'll still be proud.

And today ... it's been so amazing. It's like a gift from whoever's in charge that I should finally get some time to relax and stop yelling at people with this sore throat of mine {sickness-induced, probably not stress-induced but who knows?}. 

Anyway, today's been such a great day. Like I said before, I can finally sit back and think ... that was fun. Like how I stopped worrying about things every single moment of the day, and I started having fun. I talked with Seattle and had fun with my friends, and, well, got the most out of my day.


Like how Ase is in Seattle right now at a music fest. Well, if I was in Seattle {promise I'm going to Washington someday} I'd sing.

Because I am a mountaineer. I've climbed mountains, if you think about it. And the view from the top is great, but Miley Cyrus was right. It's the climb.

{Although they aren't really mountains where I come from, they're moun'ns.}

The Ones I'd Throw Candy At

By now you are certainly acquainted with the fact that the student representatives and I are making a dance for the upcoming assembly. Well, not just student reps, I guess, but many other people besides. Our teacher/dance in-charge-person group includes Georgie, Danica, Vanessa, Kyle, Nash, and Tangorine.

Anyways, today has basically been all about that. Okay, sure, Seattle invited me to a soccer game {haha, and only me as far as I know} that I don't know if I can make tonight. But still, there's nothing much going on. Especially since with the head fuzziness, dizziness, and sore throat that means I'm sick, I can't focus on anything ... but the very super duper important stuff, and so far for me that's the dance.

Georgie called me when I god home from school and we talked for upwards of an hour about this. I swear, I could rant on forever about this dance, but for now I'm just going to tell you about the top thing I'm frustrated at.

This is people. There used to be more than sixty people who were interested in helping us with this dance. Now there are only about thirty of them, because once we started taking just  two days of their own time, they quit. 

I don't get this. 'Cause, you know, sure, this dance might be embarrassing, and it's CERTAINLY going to be embarrassing the less people we have. But I'm not trying to whine or brag or anything, but me and the dance crew have made it through WAY more obstacles than any of the dance volunteers. And hey, I'm so much better off without them.


I'm just happy that there are at least twenty people who are genuinely interested in helping though they might not get a reward. If I had money I would give them all rewards, but I don't, so I'll figure something out. The thing is, as I used in my crude example to Georgie, it's like we all fell off a boat, and I finally get to see the people who stop swimming just because it's too hard.

Whereas when I dance this dance on Friday, I'm going to have people around me who are fighting against the current because they want to and they chose the hard way. And hey, maybe this dance isn't a big thing, but it's preparing people for life.

Hey readers, not all of you go to my school or even know the real life me ... but ...

If you get the choice to sit it out or dance ... I hope you dance, but what would you do?

Not Just Me

Today wasn't too much of a good day.

I don't know what was with me, but by the time we were bowling in PE I was down down down. Usually I keep my spirits up, especially around Vanessa {who soaks it up when I'm not happy, because she's so good at everything}. But I was just sitting there or standing there trying not to cry. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the shirt I'm wearing. Maybe it was because there was black light. Maybe it was because my smiles ran out.

Lately I've been feeling like that. I was talking to Georgie yesterday about how some things just don't change, like the way your heart skips a beat whenever you see him. Or the way his doesn't.

Or the way you cried yourself to sleep at night after fighting for what you want.

Sometimes I'm so tired I forget to smile, or just plain forget things.

For all you who don't know, you write ZAP
on the back of someone's hand along with a
time. Then you write a dare on their palm. If they
read the dare before the time {or if someone tells
them} then they have to do it. Have fun!

But after getting nothing done at lunch, things started going okay. The guy who sits next to me in Math {who's actually kinda good looking, if you see that in people, which I don't, especially because he dated* Di a while back} was probably watching me write a birthday letter to Kahler {whose birthday is tomorrow} and draw her a pretty epic picture, if I do say so myself. Anyway, he saw the ZAP on the back of my hand, and when it was 2:10, the time of the ZAP, he tapped me and said "Hey you can look at that now."

That meant a lot to me. Like, I know, if you've been staring at somebody's weird drawings all math you might as well be bored enough to see the time on the ZAP that Danica gave them. And notify them, while staring at your watch intently so you know the time.

*Di being far too young for dating

But that was cool. Then I went to a NJHS meeting, where I played Uno with many of my friends, including Liberty. It was really funny because after a couple of games, Kahler came to sit by me. I was sitting next to Liberty {with Kahler between us, I'm not really counting her for right now 'cause she wasn't playing} so I kept trying to make him lose ...

starting from when I had a +4. I put it down and then said "Hey Liberty, what color DON'T you have?"

He was like "Um," while Kahler leaned over and said "He has two greens and a yellow."


She leaned over again while I laughed. "Make that two yellows."

So I said "I pick blue then," but before he could draw, I picked up the next four cards, which were two blue two green.

"Nevermind, I choose red," I said, and gave the cards to Liberty, who was like "What the?" while everyone laughed.

Then a couple of rounds came and he didn't have any reds while it would always be red, so he'd have to keep drawing more. We had like an all out war before I had to leave ...

TO PASS OUT INVITATIONS TO MY LITTLE SISTER'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe my mother let me go through with this. I've been wondering if I should do one for a while. I've done two surprise birthday parties before and they were both for friends, but my little sis is always saying that she hasn't had one in a while and I think she's deprived, since I've had one almost every year since fourth grade, and she's had one ... once or twice, not for the past couple of years.

So I made invitations today, and then I called my mom during NJHS and she said yes! So she drove me to my sister's school and I passed them out secretively, and then we went to the library, where I spent an epic hour checking out books {hehehe 4 thick ones} and talking to Georgie via gmail {my library has everything}.

Then I came home and went out again with previously mentioned little sis for a pi day celebration.

Here's the thing: I don't like pie.

Yet ... I had pizza {pie}, berry pie, and chicken pot pie.

Now I feel fat. But hey, content. 'Cause Georgie handed me a note this morning. It said that sometimes, she stared up at the ceiling and thinks that she'd give anything to be somebody else.


"But then I think that I would take that all back because if I was somebody else, I wouldn't have you." Or something along those lines.

I was walking to Band this morning when I read that. I got tears in my eyes then, but it hasn't hit me 'till now that it's wrong for me to be thinking so much about myself and how I wish I could change because I hate most of me. 

See, I always miss the good parts.

Like Uno, and ZAPs and even getting to bowl during PE. Like Danica and Nash helping me, like Vanessa hugging me, like little sisters and secrets they won't find out 'till Saturday. 

Like Georgie.

Weather Problems

Do you know what's awesome? It rained today!
Do you know what's not awesome? 

Boys.

Okay, successfully for the past week or so I've not even thought about them at all, bar the times when Orqua and Georgie try and get me to talk about who I like. Which isn't so certain right now {but definitely Seattle}.

Anyway, I guess it's time to take a break, because I'm am oh so SUPER tired about boys. It's so cute how this one girl I know is freaking out about one {he hasn't been here for a while and she's been kinda sad about it, but as I type they're having a conversation and he just discreetly called her beautiful}. I guess I'm sort of freaking out about one too. 

In the, you know, get-out-of-my-head-and-stay-out way.

I'm very happy right now without thinking about males and how idiotic they can be. You know, they can be fun too, and right now they're my friends. Not as good as my girl friends, who I'm hanging out with more 'cause it's funner and less worrysome. With my girl friends, I can force Sparrow to eat fries to save Danica's octopus's life, and I can also make gutterballs without caring. Or with an 8 pound ball, your pick.

I can also play soccer and deny when Vanessa tells me I did really good, because I did kick the ball out from between this guy's feet {not to be mistaken with legs} and also kicked it from Stephen's {which was oh so super cool. But hurt, because bare feet + shoes = ouch}. 

But today I really did deny when Vanessa told me I did really good, because when I called to someone so they could pass the ball to me, I was completely open and pass they did not. Plus, everyone was cheering other people on, and nobody even called my name when I had the soccer ball. normally this doesn't bother me, but today it did, because I overheard Storm talking about me. Do you remember Storm? He's the one person who I hate half the time, because I can't help looking at him in the other half.

Well, he was talking about me in soccer today, and if I heard what I thought I heard, it wasn't good. So I was annoyed, because I started feeling like he was against me. I started taking every single time that someone didn't pass to me, or call my name when I got the ball and even kicked it in the right direction. He said about five words to me during that soccer game, where he was yelling encouragement to everybody else. 

I was looking at the sky hoping for rain. I'd voiced these thoughts this morning and he had caught my eye and said him too, but I didn't believe it anymore. Then it did start raining later today and I was happy, but that was only from the nose down. You should've seen my eyes, working up a storm.

Places to Go, People to See, Dancing to Do

It's nice when you can get yourself out of the mess of worries. 

"I came up with this at night when I was trying to fall asleep," I told Georgie, Danica, and Nash during our meeting during lunch today to try and put together a dance for our grade at the next assembly. "So it might not be that great."

"I come up with all my best plans at night," said Nash, which made me believe that maybe I could plan my way out of misery.

There's a song I really love--Misery by Maroon 5. It was popular two summers ago and it was one of those songs you hear all the time but don't get tired of listening to {at least for me}. It's about being depressed, basically, but it's really poppy and if you couldn't understand the words, you'd be smiling. Not that it doesn't leave me smiling.

Anyway, today I was really happy simply because I had things to do. 

In the morning, I talked more with Seattle than I have in a while, and Liberty also walked with me to and from classes while we were figuring things out, and then I got to skip Band and parts of English for a test that counts as volunteer work. It was a fun test. 

During PE, we played an interesting game. I got stuck on the side of the people that nobody wanted {except me}. Well, we had some epic people on our team such as Hillary, Danica, and Georgie, but the other team was completely chosen out of the good people. AKA Vanessa, who loved to take charge of the sport and obsess about the whole thing. But that's what she's good at, and if she says she had fun I'm happy for her. {She didn't look like she was having too much fun, but maybe that's because when you're in a state of extreme concentration you don't have time to mess with facial expressions.}

{Not that she was ever in a state of extreme concentration, since it was an easy win for her team.}

At lunch, I had that one meeting mentioned above, which was successful and awesome. And though we switched to lame seats during math, I had lots of fun doing my homework, actually. {Weird huh.}

After that I had a Mathcounts meeting and then I went to the library for more volunteer work. I'm feeling like I've had a long day, especially after finishing a book, but I feel like I got a lot done.

And you know, one of the best cures for the blues is to rescue yourself.