Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

A Little Less Blah

Something strange that happens to me a lot is that I'll wake up and spontaneously have this song stuck in my head for no reason. The song changes, and sometimes I can connect it with my day.

Today it was Crush by David Archuleta:

I hung up the phone tonight, something happened for the first time
Deep inside, what a rush, what a rush
There's a possibility, that you could ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, it's just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized so mesmerized and I just got to know ...

I'm not going to put in the rest here because this isn't a lyric site {haha, you'd be mislead} but I was thinking about how sometimes I feel that way and right now the feeling is coming back.

Anyway, today was a blah day. Meaning that nothing important happened. In fact, it probably sucked if you hold it against all my other days {huh, weird}.

Maybe that's because I was a little stuck in the past. I went back through my old journal yesterday and found out that last year on this day a lot of happy things happened {as well as one unhappy thing: my science class dissected frogs. Yuck}. And I was trying to bring them into my life right now. At lunch I had strawberries like I did this day last year, and I was going to go up to an old friend and make a reference to it, but then I didn't because I realized he probably wouldn't remember.

So I didn't play soccer and sat on the grass in the little rain eating oranges with Georgie and Tangorine and Nash. Danica lay her head on my lap and we talked and wrote on each other's hands and had a blah day.


But I like it that way. Because I realize that right now I might not be feeling a lot of things I used to feel, but at least I'm feeling something, and that's a passion for the future. I may have failed my shuttle run but I'll do better next time. My umbrella may have broken but I'll find a new one for tomorrow. And Danica was asking me where we should go at the end of the year and I told her somewhere fun and she said "but you don't like that place" {or wrote it on my hand anyway} and it's true that I don't. Or didn't. But some things kind of grow on you.

And I realize that with the bad memories in places and people it's okay because you can make new ones. Those were the words I was looking for with Danica at lunch today.

So it rained on the bus ride home and I didn't talk to Seattle. Instead I talked to Kahler and we made plans for the future. And I'm ... excited. Because today might be a blah day, but there's always tomorrow.

More Evidence

I've been thinking about it, because this is the time of the year when I am stuck enough to realize what is happening and what has happened ... in this past year, the one lesson I've really learned is how to hope. Oh, and how to cope, but that comes with hoping, dunnit?

So here's more evidence--it's raining right now. Well, not all that hard, but the ground is still wet and there are little drops on my windows and it smells fabulous outside. It's been raining all night and it was raining all yesterday. The funny thing is ... last week it was snowing. And before that it was snow, snow, snow, all year long.

I get really frustrated at the snow. Especially the stuff we had last week. Like, shouldn't it rain? Just like one degree hotter and it would be my favorite weather. But NOOOOOOO, weather had to be stupid. But luckily, I live in a state where the weather loves to change and be random and all that. Actually, that's unlucky. Because this whole year with its November {or probably even October} snow that lasted on the ground until March, I've been hanging on to the wish and hope that it's going to rain and rain all day long and I'll be happy again. 


'Cause who can't be happy given an umbrella and a lamppost? 

So it's kind of another little proof that if you hope, you just have to wait for all the rest of the fake-hopers to drop off before you get what you want. 'Cause I find that life doesn't like to give to the undeserving. {Haha, those of you who didn't participate in the dance!}

Okay, I'm going to stop using parentheses and talk about the dance again. 'Cause it was really fun, and really great, and it made me really happy. One of these days I will kidnap the video from Tangorine and August and Greni's mother and everybody else who filmed it after I interrogated them and made them. Actually, that's only in the case of the first two. But still.

It's nice to know that some things you wish do come true, you just have to be a little patient. Like how {yes, yes} the people who quit the dance got showed that it can be really cool. And I did get a reluctant "Yeah, you guys were awesome," from the one senator who didn't participate *coughcoughnonamesherecoiugh*.

So I guess I'll just be quiet now, and listen to the rain. (:

The Ones I'd Throw Candy At

By now you are certainly acquainted with the fact that the student representatives and I are making a dance for the upcoming assembly. Well, not just student reps, I guess, but many other people besides. Our teacher/dance in-charge-person group includes Georgie, Danica, Vanessa, Kyle, Nash, and Tangorine.

Anyways, today has basically been all about that. Okay, sure, Seattle invited me to a soccer game {haha, and only me as far as I know} that I don't know if I can make tonight. But still, there's nothing much going on. Especially since with the head fuzziness, dizziness, and sore throat that means I'm sick, I can't focus on anything ... but the very super duper important stuff, and so far for me that's the dance.

Georgie called me when I god home from school and we talked for upwards of an hour about this. I swear, I could rant on forever about this dance, but for now I'm just going to tell you about the top thing I'm frustrated at.

This is people. There used to be more than sixty people who were interested in helping us with this dance. Now there are only about thirty of them, because once we started taking just  two days of their own time, they quit. 

I don't get this. 'Cause, you know, sure, this dance might be embarrassing, and it's CERTAINLY going to be embarrassing the less people we have. But I'm not trying to whine or brag or anything, but me and the dance crew have made it through WAY more obstacles than any of the dance volunteers. And hey, I'm so much better off without them.


I'm just happy that there are at least twenty people who are genuinely interested in helping though they might not get a reward. If I had money I would give them all rewards, but I don't, so I'll figure something out. The thing is, as I used in my crude example to Georgie, it's like we all fell off a boat, and I finally get to see the people who stop swimming just because it's too hard.

Whereas when I dance this dance on Friday, I'm going to have people around me who are fighting against the current because they want to and they chose the hard way. And hey, maybe this dance isn't a big thing, but it's preparing people for life.

Hey readers, not all of you go to my school or even know the real life me ... but ...

If you get the choice to sit it out or dance ... I hope you dance, but what would you do?

The Cute, Silly, Strawberry Reminiscing Times

Today is one of those days you stare up at the ceiling hoping it'll give you an answer when somebody asks how it was.

There were good parts and bad parts. I've always wondered why the bus in the morning isn't nearly as chatty as the bus in the afternoon when the same people are on both ways {at least in my group}, but this morning was amazing because everybody talked normally and it wasn't just a couple people but all of our friends sitting together. We laughed and joked and talked and rolled our eyes.

In classes I had some fun, especially in English. Orqua is reputable for her crush on so&so, and he sat next to her in the computer lab, by choice of seat. So we made fun of her and giggled when she got annoyed. Then me, Tangorine, and Orqua finished our testing so we sat outside in the library trying to be quiet, but failing, especially when Ase came along. 

Ase is silly, you've got to understand that he is NEVER. SERIOUS. Thus, he took some books and said "Kay guys, these are our newspapers. When somebody comes by I will say 'Quick! Newspapers!' and you will hold them up like this"--holds book up upside down--"and pretend you're reading. Then you stare at the person and don't talk to them!"

We had fun and I couldn't stop giggling behind my book. Then we went bowling in PE, which was super fun yet super nostalgic. Then Boomer my PE teacher turned on the music and everybody sang.

I also loved how Orqua, the ever nice ever sweet girl, came and joined the group of me and Georgie, who were loners. {Together.}

But there were sad parts too, like at lunch when I was wandering by myself because I was sure everyone was having fun and I didn't want to play soccer because I felt like I should hang out with Georgie. Somehow I left early and wandered and I found myself leaning on a locker thinking about ... bad stuff again. But I was good, not depressed. That doesn't mean I was thinking rationally, though.

So there was a moment of darkness. Sometimes I feel like nobody likes me and get paranoid, but that went away after dance class, where I ran around like a crazy idiot with Merida and Fluttari!

All right, so here I am planning a day with Nash and my friends {we get no school tomorrow: ACTs}. 

So good night. Good night.

I Won't Give Up

This afternoon, from 2 to 5, I went to the local ice skating rink for a birthday party.

Before it even started, I was at the point of tears. Everybody was rushing around looking for stuff, it was snowing outside {crazily} and I was just so frustrated. Finally my mom drove me and Ameli {who, being my next door neighbor, gets a ride to save gas} to the skating rink along with my little sister, who really wanted to skate. 

So we got there at the same time as Orqua and Georgie did, and we exchanged hugs and I introduced people {Ameli} to the rest {who all knew each other from school}. Gradually more and more people arrived. Finally we had fourteen {counting me and not my sister}, one more than last year {hehe, it's so perfect}:

1. Ameli
2. Orqua
3. Georgie
4. Kahler
5. Blaund
6. Ase
7. Fortune
8. Greni
9. Tangorine
10. Nash
11. Danica
12. Literally
13. Vanessa

Anyway, we began to skate. It was frustrating because whenever I skate, nobody wants to skate with me. Everybody was splitting into their little groups like they always do, and I'm never EVER in one of these for skating. EVER. So I was a little annoyed but I helped my little sister, and I found that Greni and Ameli, being the only two who weren't in my main friends group {but still my really good friends, I'm just saying like lunch}, were following me. So I made them be friends with each other through helping Georgie, who has never skated.

When Orqua was all alone I went with her. When Georgie was stumbling I held her elbow and screamed at her even though she screamed back that she couldn't do it. But I was lonely inside too, and even my little sister didn't want to skate with me. I started two games of tag, against the rules, and I tried to be slow so anybody who wanted to could catch up. But this never works and never has, so I found myself near tears again. To the point where I found out that my depression had come back, and I really, really, REALLY wanted to end it all. Or go cry in the bathroom, 'cause I'm not brave.

So when it was half time and the zamboni came out to wipe the rink, I stood aside while Literally tried to talk to me. Fortune was sitting on the bench with his usual crowd as always. There was one time when I had stopped talking to everyone. I was standing on The Outside {Taylor Swift}. I stared at Danica until she looked at me. Nash did too, and Fortune caught my eye and waved, smiling. If I hadn't been depressed, I would've grinned and waved back. We've got so many connection sand inside jokes and he's the only one whose eye I'll catch and wave, because he waves back. But this time, my eyes were watering and there were eyes on me, so I looked away and walked, too.

But then came the time we all gathered around the table and Fortune came up with two dollars folded into a box. There was a dollar cone and a dollar ring, and Fortune was red and somebody said something about proposing. "I did it for Blaund and Ase!" he protested. Which made me grin at him and say "You're proposing to Blaund and Ase?! I didn't know that about you, Fortune!" So everybody was laughing and Fortune's face was less pink and I was breathless again, but happy this time. 

People left and people went, and I taught Georgie more how to skate. I had a great time. Does it matter what presents I got? I got two journals, adding to the two I got for Christmas and the two I've filled with writing. I'm a writer. And so there are those moments that really strike the heart.

Like when Georgie caught my arm like I did hers through our three falls. "Thanks for pushing me like that," she said. And I thought of how I'd yelled at her and folded my arms and taunted her by skating backwards whenever I said "Now skate to me," and moved whenever she got close. But I grinned back and pushed her, now that we were on solid ground and she could catch herself. 

Like when Fortune and I had one of our first real one-on-one conversations in months, which I used to love so much. It's nice to be friendly again.

Like when Vanessa, whom I have a love-hate relationship as a friend, left me a secret message on her birthday card to me, and I realize the love is more.

Like when we tried not to laugh or we'd be out and I was the first out because Fortune said something. Or how somebody would say "I was looking for you."

Like when we blew straw wrappers at each other and I hit Fortune in the forehead, or when Literally managed to spill something like he always does. When Danica wrote her name in frosting on my table. When I hugged everyone after their present.

I swear, I got high off of friends. I'm so happy right now I could die, but I know I don't want to. 

Like when Danica grabbed my arm in our last minutes on the ice rink and sang to me along with Jason Mraz. I won't give up.

I blew out my candle with tears in my eyes, because I was gonna laugh or scream or cry. But not die, because my wish was to 

Gone Smile

I don't know how to write this.

Today I got on my gmail and found out by way of Tangorine that ... well, remember Blaund Viff? The guy whose birthday party I was too depressed to go to? I'll start with telling you a few things about Blaund.

I met him three years ago, in fifth grade. Di had this huge crush on him. That is not what we're going to talk about. I met Blaund better this year, when he sat next to me in Science and Business. We made inside jokes like, pink makes my face pointy. We laughed and laughed about dumb things and he always won peppermint contests. He's sporty. He plays water polo, and he's one of those rare boys who are always happy and never violent or anything. He's super sweet and hilarious, and everybody loves him. 

He has a brother. He had a brother.

Blaund's brother is dead.

--since eighteen hours ago, I know something now, know something now, that I didn't before--

I never met his brother, but looking at all the pictures of him online now I think I did know him, in Blaund. He looks almost the same. He has the same face and the same blond hair and everybody's talking about the blue eyes of that angel who is really an angel now.

--flowers pile up in the worst way, no one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died--

He's smiling in the pictures but nobody I know is smiling now because freezing freezing freezing cold is all I know now. Ever since I heard about it. Thought about it. Couldn't cry about it, because I am frozen in a kind of ice colder than I ever knew.

You hear about this all the time. People going. People going to go. People GONE. But it isn't until it's happening, happened, right now yesterday today for the next forever that you realize how painful it is. 

--you've got a face for a smile you know--

I never met his brother, but I know his smile. I don't think a smile like that will light up the world for a while.

Crowded

Storytelling is a huge part of conversations.

"I was so glad I got lost in a crowd," says Seattle. I open a door for him and some of my other friends, so I'm not looking at him as I say "You're glad you got lost in a crowd?"

He was talking about something sort of unimportant, but I realize it has a deeper meaning, now that I'm through with the day. I finished writing the cast of characters in my life on this blog, and Danica's one of my best friends, yet I haven't talked to her at all today.

Never mind. I said "Hi," to her in the computer lab this morning, but that doesn't really count as she didn't say anything back, because my shoulder-to-shoulder pretend-it's-a-hug was too quick and I was gone, walking fast.

Still, though. Last year when I had all my problems about finding my place among friends, somehow I had time to find out that she was one of my best ones. We write locker letters {AKA a better term for letters-to-someone-who-you-see-every-day} and we pass a notebook back and forth ... I even helped Nash plan her surprise birthday party a two months ago, where Nash, Georgie, & Tangorine helped me come up with the tune for a song I wrote and sing it as a birthday gift to Danica. 

Maybe it's because we changed semesters, 'cause we used to have three classes together and now one of them's gone, and I hardly ever see her in those classes anyway. It just feels like such a distance, and it isn't just Danica.

Let me tell you something about my lunch group. We're basically a group of about ten or so friends, boys and girls. Last year it developed itself. We're not all good friends within each other, but we know each other's names and we're sort of mutual acquaintances. I know everybody in my lunch group better than that though, especially after my encounters with them this year. However ... I'm losing connections as I build them. It seems you can only hold onto so many things at a time before you have to drop some, and it's a while before you find the time to pick it up again.

Lately I find myself in the hallways with Georgie, who I'm never going to lose connections to because even though we only share two classes now, we always make the most of every time we see each other, because being best friends, you know when someone's missing you. Not everybody feels that, though, and I can tell that I'm growing farther apart from people like Danica and Nash every time I spend my lunch with August, Vanessa, Orqua, or Tangorine.

It's crazy. This year wasn't as bad as last year when I didn't know any of these people well at all, but it's still such a crowd. Sometimes you feel envious of the little groups of four or five people in our grade who are all best friends and somehow manage to stick together and be, you know, perfect.

But there was a time at the library when I was about seven. I lost hold of my mom and sisters and they were gone, and I was lost in a crowd and it was one of the worst feelings I'd ever had.

The trouble is, those were strangers, at the library. 

How come I worry over a crowd of friends?

Walking Fast

I love walking fast, and I do.

Walking fast says so many things. It can say you're in a hurry, to go or to leave. It can say you're walking away from something you really want to leave behind, or a place you really want to get. It can say you're just walking to stop thinking from other things, or walking the least possible so you don't have to think about it.

I walk fast for all these reasons sometimes. Some here, some there, all of them eventually.

Today was one of those walk fast days. 

Walking fast to the bus stop, breathing into my coat because of the bad air quality. Walking fast because I'm excited for another day of school that I started off on the right side of the bed {like yesterday. Not like last week. That was the wrong side}. 

Walking fast to get on the bus because it's warm in there and cold outside even through my coat.

Walking fast down the hallway because Fortune and his friends are talking about computer games and I don't want them to see me almost laughing and rolling my eyes {even though they do anyway}.

Walking fast to the library to help Tangerine meet up with Danica in the computer lab so they can print off some homework for History.

Walking fast after TA'ing {where I did absolutely nothing} to History, because I'm wondering if I can catch Fortune before he gets to computer programming, so that I can hand him the pomegranate seeds I saved last night just for him, 'cause I know he likes them. {But I don't pass him.}

Walking fast to French because I pass Seattle and I'm walking away the thought of what he saw--girl in coat, frown of concentrated thoughts, hands in pockets, fast feet, hair flying. Oh, but there was a slow down when I saw Fortune, but then again I was too late in getting out the pomegranate seeds, which are still in my backpack as I type this.

Walking fast to lunch, because I stop thinking when I walk fast and it's nice to go up the stairs and face my friends that way. I hate entering into a group. It's simpler and easier to start with people coming to me rather than me coming to them.

I walk fast to catch up to Vanessa and Fortune, who lead the way to the practice rooms. They're occupied, says August. Georgie joins us and we all stand in a circle talking and laughing and I realize that I really like this, and that's why I slow down and I'm almost the last one to leave for the final class period of the day.

Walking fast when the final class period lets out, 'cause I have to turn in my homework and everyone's already out the door.

Walking fast to catch up to August, and having a short conversation before she slows down and I speed up past Seattle, walking and not thinking much. {Haha. I do admit I was wondering if the time the door opened behind me was him.}

Fortune ends up beside me as the bus comes up, and he delays looking for a seat and ends up across from me. He, me, and August have a conversation the bus ride through, and it's nice talking to friends.

Walking fast home, 'cause I'm thinking I miss school already and my friends and Seattle and maybe, if I walk really fast, I'll get to tomorrow soon.