"The End"

Well, I'm sorry for posting to much today, but I just have to get these feelings out of my brain and I realized that I hadn't told you the story of Seattle and Me yet, which would help to clarify the feelings I'm feeling right now. Which is a lot of feeling, but it's true.

So these past days of school have been pretty sad, mostly because on the very last day of school, everyone went around playing cards and acting like it wasn't the last day--even the sun sets in paradise--and that's why I was being me.

And now I'm causing a scene ... need a reason to smile ...

But I spent all of yesterday, my first day of summer vacation, finding all the pictures of me and my friends that I could and making a slideshow. And even though I didn't get all the memories, I feel like I captured it pretty well.

It was funny because last night at Kahler's, the only people who weren't playing soccer and therefore actually watched the slideshow were Nash, Danica, Liberty and Stephen. Orqua came in halfway because presumably she heard the music, but anyhoo.

We stopped the movie halfway and it felt like a secret {haha} because we were the only ones who knew the movie had stopped because everyone was busy playing soccer and chasing down Seattle, who isn't really Seattle if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, but I felt like Seattle was sitting with me when I watched the slideshow for about the millionth time.

It was playing to Daylight by Maroon 5, and Liberty groaned. "Why did you play this song? I hate it."

"Yeah, why'd you pick this song?" asked Stephen.


It fit.

And even though Sunburn by Owl City might have fit better--I tried not to cry as we said goodbye but I shed a tear as you disappeared 'cause now I'm a stranger on the ground--it doesn't, actually. Daylight played through my head the entire day long but I realized, although I titled the slideshow "The End," it was wrong, because this isn't the end, this isn't the end, this is just the pause between memories and the three words I wrote on the last slide:

To Be Continued

"Maybe It's Just Me"

Sometimes I have these flashbacks.

I'm standing in the kitchen last night thinking "I can't believe it was yesterday," because the last day of school seems forever ago, even though I can remember it clearly. It's just ... maybe I've spent so much time dreaming that I can't remember real life.

I'm in Kahler's backyard watching a movie in a language I speak and missing the times when I used to do that with my family.

I'm sitting on a stone table writing in my journal and looking out at the view--the field and the sun through the maple leaves that light up like seaweed and the row of trees and beyond them, the blue of the mountains reflecting the sky. It's weird how I hardly stop to enjoy nature anymore, because I'm too busy creating things of my own.

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go with them to play soccer or something I can't recall now, but I had a split second decision and said "No."

"You should learn how to say no," I told someone last night.

"I never give in to peer pressure," said Fortune another time.

I'm sitting alone on the grass. "We're best friends so it's okay," says Nash, or Danica, because they're both huddling in the blankets together.

I grab Danica's hand to write I'm living in the past, because I still haven't realized. "You're freaking cold," she exclaims, and I smile to myself.

My hands are cold ... and I'm on my knees looking for the answer ...

I'm on my knees and they're getting grass stains but that's okay because I'm faking writing in my journal just so I won't look as lonely as I feel in the pit of me right now, because nobody's invited me to share the warmth of the blankets and I'm not sure I want to. 

And right now, I'm listening to a song that Seattle and I call "The Liar Song," but I bet he doesn't even remember that or care to.

Yes, my hands are cold, and I flashback to a moment when Seattle shined a laser light into my eyes and I remembered when he used to flash his watch at me and do just that, only the sunshine is gone right now.

Vanessa hugs me and mistakes me for Georgie, who she's been hanging out with all night, and I say it's fine when she pretty much screams "I'm so sorry!!!!"

"I guess it's just me," I say and I'm not sure if anybody hears me.

I have to leave and Danica hugs me. "You're not good at this, are you?"

"What, leaving? I leave all the time," I say, but the pit grows wider because I'm always the one who stays while everyone else leaves.

Please Don't Let it Be Over Yet

This morning I was walking around with Greni and she said
"This is the last day I have at this school" 

And she kept walking

This morning everyone was playing cards and laughing

While I sat there full of memories

That leaked out of my eyes

And Danica led me to the place where the piano was

And she said "Remember the songs we sang?"

But my fingers forgot

So we went outside instead to where the tree was

The tree with the leaves like bright stars

Especially when they fall

And I think of the Taylor Swift lyrics to Red

That I sung this morning because I meant them

Things are beautiful before they fall

And like that last glow of an ember before it turns to ash

I started singing with Danica and the words just

Flowed and glowed out of me

But I was still feeling that hole inside me

Because I can't let go but there's no rope

I can hold onto ...

Danica grabs my hand and she writes a ZAP

I look at it before the time she wrote it's so far away

And it's Dr. Seuss

He knew children better than anyone and I'm a child

Aren't I? "Don't cry because it's over smile because

it happened."

But I'm still here childishly thinking, "It's not over"

It's not because it can't be because I can't

Can't walk away

So as I wrote in a song I created last night

"Our last hug, our last touch"

But forgive me for lying 'cause hey

There's always someday"

What Danica Knows

"Danica, what do you think about when you fall asleep?" asked my friend a couple weeks ago during one of our therapy sessions.

"I think about good memories," she answered. Which isn't what I do, isn't what I did at all, but now I've realized the magic of that.

It's the end of the school year. There's only one day left, and not everybody is going to go tomorrow because it's like today. Today was pretty much the last day, actually, the last semi-normal day and the last day of half my classes.

We spent lunch signing yearbooks and I go through mine wanting to cry, and with the rain that's falling outside I'd be okay. "Why is it raining on the last day?" cried August. "Like, what the freak?"

But I think it's because the sky is crying too. After all, we're the ones who put sunshine in it.

Like, way to be all selfish there. But I really believe that of me and my group of friends. At least that's where the sunshine in my sky comes in, especially during the storms I bring about. Because then there's a rainbow, and it's the prettiest miracle there ever was.

But that miracle is ending. I've spent two years with these friends but next year is freshman year of high school and 5 times the people there are now and I'm just so afraid of losing people and having them lose me and it's just this emptiness inside of me that refuses to believe this is happening.

"I'm going to wake up one day in the middle of the summer and it'll hit me," I said on the way to get my yearbook today. But that'll be the big hammer hitting. Right now it's kind of like little knives, and my heart is being torn to pieces.


There are rain splatters on my yearbook because I was reading it in the rain. I took millions of pictures of the tree that my friends and I sit under. But they might as well be tears because that's how I feel right now. I feel so sad. This year is over.

But then ... then I think about all the amazing things we've been through. So what if the future isn't so bright? At least I've lived a fairy tale this magical and it even came with a happy ending. Now that that's ending, I can close the book, but that's not to say I'm not going to go back to it.

Because I am. A lot. So far, these past two years are my favorite book.

Sorry, I'll Stay

I guess I got another revelation in PE today. The funny thing is how I remember that back in the wallyball/volleyball days when I chose the team of people who never got chosen and had the time of my life, I was happy ... but it turns out I remember this feeling of frustration and pent-up anger when that happens.

Today we played softball. Fact: I am not a good softball player. Fact: There are plenty of girls in my grade who are the same. And another fact: Pretty much all of my good friends are sporty and therefore good at softball. Or they're like Danica and Hillary and they have played softball for a while and are super pro. 

And Boomer had the smarts {this is sarcasm btw} to say "Okay, you guys can pick your own teams."

Which didn't mean people picking the leaders picking the people, but the girls all separating into their own teams. Which, of course, meant that all the popular + sporty girls ended up on one end and all of the non-sporty, normal ones were on the other. Which meant, of course, that team #1 dominated because they were team #1.

I stayed on the second team. First of all, the only people who were talking to me without me having to talk to them were the people on team #2, who are also my friends because I don't believe in not being friendly to people who don't give me reason to not be their friend. Anyway, I happened to be next to them, so I just stayed where I was, figuring maybe one of my friends would want me on their team, but of course they didn't, so I stayed and didn't mind and laughed with my friends on my team because they were my team.

But what bothered me the most was the way that my friends on Team #1 bragged at lunch about how they dominated and how it was so FUN!!!! and they WON!!!! and they were so GOOD!!!!


I know my friends on team #2 aren't the type of people to really care that it's competitive sports, but they try. And I hate it when things like this happen and the first team is all like WE WON! When it wasn't even a fair game at all, and sometimes I want to have captains pick teams, because if I was captain, 99% of the time my first choice would be someone from team #2. 

So think about it. Which are you?

The Cents in Humor

Read the post title again. That was a pun! Ha! Ha! ...


...


Well, I've always wondered why people want to be comedians. For one, it must be freakin' hard standing up there trying to get people to laugh and failing half the time ... but some people are skilled at what they do, and who doesn't want a good laugh? I admire comedians, because they know that you can find something funny in everything. You can make everything funny, and the best feeling is making someone laugh {next to laughing yourself}.

Now, I want you to find the nearest person and tell them to lie on the floor and cross their arms over their chest. Tell them to breathe in, and then tell them to breathe out. While they breathe out, press their arms where they cross. This is called the laugh test, and it doesn't work on Danica, who laughs enough anyway, but I hope you have fun {and the nearest person isn't a stranger}.

Lately I have realized that the reason why I've been having a better time is that I find the funniness in things. I don't mean things like people falling down or animal cruelty, but the things that would normally make me embarrassed, or bored, or annoyed. 

Like the other day when my wet flip-flop slipped and sent me bum-first onto the floor, and the high schoolers didn't help me up. I brushed myself off and walked with my head high and grinned at them when they went past.

There was this question I found on one of those e-mail things you get frequently {if you're me, but I suppose you're not ...} and it asked "Do you smile at strangers?" I put "Depends on the stranger," but it's not like you can know a stranger. So the other day I was at a public gathering and smiled at everyone I saw and this older man came up to me and asked me directions because I seemed like a friendly person {or because my sisters are weirdos and I'm not so intimidating}.

So ... that's another lesson I shall depart with you today {was that proper grammar?}. Just ... laugh. Things are fun and they are funny and you can laugh alone, too.

Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

Living in Seattle

Don't worry, I'm not moving to Seattle. Or living in Seattle, because goodness knows knowing  a guy named Seattle is confusing enough. But anyhoo, I sort of feel like I'm doing that right now. Both metaphorically and really.

Danica was trying to make me feel better in Science today but what she didn't know is that I already feel so good after how amazing this week has been. Because not only have I somehow gained a positive attitude again, it's been raining off and on. On Tuesday it rained for the entire afternoon, and it's never failed to rain on the other days, including today. And it'll be sudden storms followed by sunshine and it's just so unbelievably amazing that I stand at my window and smile.


And with the metaphorical stuff? Well, lately all my conversations with my girl friends are about boys. I'm not the one who brings it up, but apparently May is that month. And pretty much this whole year I've been dejected about them, but I passed Seattle in the hallway today and he said "Whoo!" after our inside joke. Which is strange because normally he'll just pass me and say hi or something, but this time I was the one who ended up looking back wishing I'd reacted fast enough.

So when he got a ride home today like he always does on Thursdays {I do not memorize this on purpose} I opened the bus window and called his name and said "Whoo!" back at him. Because I'm living in a place called Seattle, where it rains a lot and if you look past the raindrops caught on the window some girl is smiling.

A Little Less Blah

Something strange that happens to me a lot is that I'll wake up and spontaneously have this song stuck in my head for no reason. The song changes, and sometimes I can connect it with my day.

Today it was Crush by David Archuleta:

I hung up the phone tonight, something happened for the first time
Deep inside, what a rush, what a rush
There's a possibility, that you could ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, it's just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized so mesmerized and I just got to know ...

I'm not going to put in the rest here because this isn't a lyric site {haha, you'd be mislead} but I was thinking about how sometimes I feel that way and right now the feeling is coming back.

Anyway, today was a blah day. Meaning that nothing important happened. In fact, it probably sucked if you hold it against all my other days {huh, weird}.

Maybe that's because I was a little stuck in the past. I went back through my old journal yesterday and found out that last year on this day a lot of happy things happened {as well as one unhappy thing: my science class dissected frogs. Yuck}. And I was trying to bring them into my life right now. At lunch I had strawberries like I did this day last year, and I was going to go up to an old friend and make a reference to it, but then I didn't because I realized he probably wouldn't remember.

So I didn't play soccer and sat on the grass in the little rain eating oranges with Georgie and Tangorine and Nash. Danica lay her head on my lap and we talked and wrote on each other's hands and had a blah day.


But I like it that way. Because I realize that right now I might not be feeling a lot of things I used to feel, but at least I'm feeling something, and that's a passion for the future. I may have failed my shuttle run but I'll do better next time. My umbrella may have broken but I'll find a new one for tomorrow. And Danica was asking me where we should go at the end of the year and I told her somewhere fun and she said "but you don't like that place" {or wrote it on my hand anyway} and it's true that I don't. Or didn't. But some things kind of grow on you.

And I realize that with the bad memories in places and people it's okay because you can make new ones. Those were the words I was looking for with Danica at lunch today.

So it rained on the bus ride home and I didn't talk to Seattle. Instead I talked to Kahler and we made plans for the future. And I'm ... excited. Because today might be a blah day, but there's always tomorrow.

Orange Lollipops and Whoo!

Today was another good day. It's kind of strange how all of a sudden you look up and realize that the sun is shining.

Or that it's raining. Which it was today. But I didn't mind at all because who doesn't want a free shower? Besides, rain is the best weather ever, and I realize that's why I have issues singing sad songs about the rain. Which is good because I know so many good songs about the rain. 

Umm, I'll just rant now ...

But anyway, it has been awesome. First of all there was TAing with Georgie, and half the time we were just sitting there on the floor next to each other but that's okay because we're the kind of friends who don't always have to have something to fill the silence. And in US History we watched a movie, which was boring, but at least it gave me some time to learn a lot about Abraham Lincoln ... as well as time to seriously wake up and enjoy myself.

Like in French, how my old language teacher came in and started batting my bangs around my face {he usually acts like he's six} and I whacked him. Or tried to. -_- And then I got an orange lollipop {not for whacking my teacher, sadly}. 

Here, have one.

At lunch I talked with Nash and Georgie and we wandered around, lost Nash, and then found her again while it was raining. Then Danica snuck up on us and we all just stood there with our feet in a square with the rain falling fresh down on us {how can you have stale rain? Unless it's acid rain, eew}. And it was the nicest feeling, not to mention that we had a redhead, a brunette, a blond and me. Which is always nice, even though I'm not choosing my friends just for hair color ... I promise I'm not! I'm not!!!!

*ahem* So in Science I got another orange lollipop, which was funny because both times I didn't have any choice on the flavor of the lollipop. It was entertaining and relaxing and then on the bus ride home Seattle ended up across from me and I would have little side conversations with him while everyone else was loudly discussing something and we were driving down the freeway {or highway?} when he said "I wish I had a grenade to throw at that car and see what happens."

"Uhh, yeah, grenades just make flowers sprout on the windshield," I said sarcastically, which is kind of how I say everything.

{EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVerythinnnnnnng.}

Anyway, then he did this hand motion and said "Whoo!" which I made fun of him for. And he started laughing and turned all red-like, which is all his fault because he makes fun of my noises ALL THE TIME! So I spent the time saying "Whoo!" and I get a grin every time I do now, too, because I said that I'd make fun of him for that forever.

Then Georgie called me and we had another hour-or-so-long talk and we talked about how this summer we're gonna hang out as much as possible and add more to our before summer ends list and knock 'em all off.

And you know, the future doesn't seem so scary anymore.

Where the Horizon and the Rooftops Meet

It's funny how there are things you have no control of. Like how you decide to like someone or not like someone. Or the weather. Or ... your favorite color, apparently. Because lately mine is leaning towards blue.

It is such a beautiful color, and it's found everywhere. Just like my real favorite color, green, especially nowadays when I walk outside and even if it's seven in the morning the sky is full out blue and looking out at the city it's not brown, it's green, and I could just take a walk in the half-paved path in the green field by my house and be content for more than an afternoon.

And today, with the smile that I unconsciously put on, life was blue and greener than ever.

Sometimes I wonder why I like Seattle, because there's honestly not exactly a reason to like him. But it's another thing you can't control, and in the same way I wonder that, I wondered why I was having such a good day today.

Because I am having a good day. The morning went slowly, I guess, and we got stuck on this little bus instead of our normal high-school-size one. Hardly anybody was talking during the morning, and it's the first time I've worn a short-sleeve shirt that isn't just a plain T-shirt to school since the beginning of the school year. Actually, nevermind on that. But it's the first time I wore a short-sleeve shirt because the weather's been nice. Which it has.

And around PE, things changed for the better. I don't know what it is with me and my exercise, but it sure has something to do with my mood. Anyway, in PE we did our 15 minute run thing, and then Vanessa joined me for the last ten or so minutes, and we just talked and talked. And it was nice, because I remember the first time I ever ran a mile the whole way through, and it was because I started off talking to her, and I ended up needing her encouraging me. Now, I can keep pace with her and talk the whole time.

Then we were partners for softball, and I found out that I can actually catch and throw. We did this game called back it up, where one person throws and the other catches, and you reverse it. If you drop the ball you're out, and if you're not out at the end of the round then you step backwards three steps and do it again. Anyway, we made it way far apart, and we got second place to Kahler and August, who happen to be the sports queens and obviously would take forever to beat.

But Vanessa and I were proud and smiling and I ... seem to like softball now, although I'm never gonna compare to those softball pros such as Danica and Hillary!

At lunch, we sat down on the grass and all of a sudden the sprinklers went off, which was actually really fun and funny and it felt good. I played soccer and ended up in another kick-off with Fortune, and managed to outsprint him, which always makes me happy {and not just with Fortune}. Then I went to math, which was entertaining because I alternated with doing my end-of-level review and reading.

And on the bus ride home I talked and laughed with Souri, Kahler, and Liberty, and me and Kahler giggled about how Stephen's and Liberty's shirts were the same color {which also happened to match Liberty's lollipop-stained mouth}. Anyway, it was a great part of my day, not to mention me just coming from dance, where I worked my butt off but had much fun ...

and another thing, like the weather I discussed at the beginning of the post:

it's raining!

Capture the Sunshine

NOTE: These aren't my mountains. :(

This morning Georgie and I were having another day of standing there in semi-awkward silence wondering what to do with ourselves and the words that were apparently just going to have issues coming out of our mouths. "Wanna go out in the hall?" she asked, for no particular reason.

So I followed her out there ready to write in my journal but then we went to the window and the sun was rising over this little town and you could see it streaming through the mountains to light up a particular swathe* of trees.

*Don't mind me. I must've eaten a dictionary or something.

It was gorgeous, and she pulled out her camera to capture it. And that ended in us taking more pictures of my pen balancing skills, our shadows, people's legs {by accident} and ... it was nice. That kind of nice when you're super tired and you just woke from one of the best dreams ever and want to go back to sleep and live in that world instead ... but realize that this one is fine, too.

'Cause today at lunch I really played soccer for the first time in a while and didn't give up and walk away like I did yesterday. I didn't care when I didn't get the ball, and I didn't care when I did. I just had fun either way, which was ... fun, for a change. 

And the best part was how I had little muttered conversations with Fortune whom I haven't talked to in a while. Since he's a soccer pro I ended up sprinting for the soccer ball but danged it into the fence, and now I have a scrape on my foot. But it's cool having this green and red polka dot band-aid from Danica. {The last one was at the assembly.} And then I got to talk to Fortune some more on the way to Science. I hate it when my friends don't talk to me for long periods of time and it's nice to fix that.

During lunch and Science I talked a lot with August and Danica, too, as well as Nash and Souri and Kahler and Blaund and ... it was awesome.

So ... that's my story of today. Like how my dream included talking and laughing with Seattle and Stephen and Fortune on the bus and it happened in real life, which just goes to show that dreams come true.

When You Try Your Best But Don't Succeed

The title line is from Coldplay's Fix You, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. Just in case, you know, you want to stalk me even more than the info I've already given you. Which would be creepy, but not like there's stuff I HAVEN'T said here.

Anyway, it's basically how I've been feeling lately. Like I'll wait for a reply to the millions of letters I've sent in the past month and get none. Or wish I could talk to Fortune more, only never get to because I don't know why {it's probably me}.

It was like in PE today. You're all probably very familiar with the concept of me using PE to make me happy. First it was with wallyball volleyball, and me and my picking teams of the people who never get picked {except by me, another one of those who never get picked} and having fun no matter how much we lost by {which was a lot}. Then it was bowling and not letting nostalgia take me over. Then it was running far and fast and next to people, and Greni and Reta thanked me for that today after band, too. Which was cool and unexpected, because people usually don't notice what I do, especially lately.

{Unless it's being a jerk.}

So today we played handball, which is majorly confusing and would've been fun if I had not been tired from watching a movie in French yesterday and one in English today {right before PE} and running around some more and generally not having a good start to the day. My team for handball included one of my good friends Venni Laukner and this one quiet girl whom I hardly get a chance to talk to, and Orqua. It's hard to explain handball. Anyway, we were up against Kahler, August, Danica and Hillary, who all happen to be sports pros who beat the crap out of us no matter how hard we tried.

Which was pretty hard, especially near the end. I'm not good at sports, but at least I try! I'm sure everyone else on my team was trying too, but what I hate is when people split groups into their friends the sports pros and leave all the unwanted, last-picked people to fend for themselves. 

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are secretly plotting against me too, like "Let's pretend that everything is okay only we'll secretly glance at each other and say things behind her back because she's so weird." Or, "What a weirdo."

And I was playing soccer today but I ended up walking away again. I seem to do that a lot as of late.

But sometimes you don't really give up. You just go on, and see if someone takes the time to catch up to you {you have to walk slow sometimes}. 

So today I was going on, and even though I felt like crying instead I sat by a tree with Vanessa and we sat next to each other in the sunshine on the grass and just read our own separate books. "I'm sorry I wasn't very exciting," she said when we hugged to leave.

"That's okay. Sometimes I like to just sit and read. You know, get out of this world."

And it's true. I needed that break. Because I actually worked on my math test and got to read some more and then Seattle was talking and laughing with me and making fun at the way I say "Mmmmmmm" when I'm trying to get my hands to high-five Kyle the right way, only he wasn't making fun of me because he sort of blushed and was all like "I wasn't," when I accused him {not that harshly FYI}. And I know he never rides the bus on Thursday afternoons but he was there, and even when he left I felt a little bit better, because he probably knew he'd be picked up too, but he came on the bus to talk just like I did yesterday when I knew I'd be picked up.

So ... there are things like that, and I realize I've kind of been sitting around waiting for something to happen. When maybe I should get up and go someplace where something will.

On Pause

As you very well know by now {or maybe not. I can be confusing} I've been pretty dang stinkin' {a phrase my sister uses a lot} depressed for a while. Or maybe not depressed. That was a different feeling. This one I'd call something like blah.

So let me rephrase ... as you very well know by now, I've been pretty dang stinkin' blah for a while.

Today I've been feelin' so down

You knocked me onto the ground

But I find a better view of the sky

So maybe I'm, maybe I'm all right

Those four lines are lyrics I just came up with. *bow* I'm not sure it applies to me, but it sort of fits the regime. And the "you" is probably me, which means that I don't have a Multiple Personality Disorder, but I think it might've been me who was the fault this time.

Well, it probably was. Not might've, not I think.

But today ... today things got better. I don't know why. Lately I get this feeling where I wake up and I forget for a moment that I'm sad and I have all these reasons to be sad and the tears that were in my eyes yesterday. But that feeling dragged on throughout the morning, when my sometimes-cranky band teacher was joking and us flautists got away with playing the piano when we were supposed to be in sectionals {sshhhhh} and in English, I sat on a table with Georgie, birthday girl Orqua, and Ase, who helped me study for the vocabulary test, and I'm pretty sure we all aced it. And hey, studying with them was super fun.

Then was an assembly. I hate assemblies usually. But this one ... this one was nice. The past two have both been stressful, because during the first one I was worried about dancing and the second one I was not sure about anything and freaking out friendwise.

But today was just great. I passed notes with Danica through Stephen who was all messenger-like, and I actually talked to Fortune for the first time in a while, and Liberty was there too, and I was next to Georgie and Orqua and having a good time, no matter how much I actually talked. Like me and Kyle established this morning, "Doing nothing with a friend is still fun."

At lunch I'd promised to tell Danica what was wrong with me, and we sat down in the grass by a tree whose leaves will make stars soon {or maybe they've already}. First she asked me some serious questions, which made me giggle because sometimes I can't help but smile when Danica is around {same with Georgie}. It was funny because I was dreading the discussion just like I did yesterday, only for different reasons. Today it was because I didn't think I was sad anymore.

Which is weird, because I know I'll have to face this sometime. But like Orqua and I said in PE, "There's no time like the present."

But I finally figured out what's wrong with me this time. 

"There's past, present, and future," I told Danica, just as this stuff was falling into my brain and out of my mouth {gross I know}. 

The thing is, lately neither of those is good for me. I'm worried about next school year so much that I basically just avoid thinking about it altogether because there's so much I want but can't have, even when I think I have the solution to everything. There's no way that will make me 100% percent happy. Or even 99%. 

And the past has never really been a good point for me. Sure, I've had plenty of good times, but dark times usually aftershadow them all and I can't think about them like Danica does. 

And right now the present isn't showing much promise either.

So I was going too fast or too slow, but now I stopped. I'm stuck. And I've been hating it.

Except for today. After math, where I happily finished my review in like twenty seconds {not really but it seemed fast} and read and wrote in my journal and relaxed. Then I went on the bus and sat across from Seattle. Which basically means almost-touching-knees and a lot of secret just-us conversations. But I'm not talking about this right now ... >.< And then he's saying stuff to just me to purposefully make me make my gross face, and I'm laughing as I leave and, like Danica my therapist says, having some hope for tomorrow.

Time for Me

I never read novels in verse

Because I thought they would be hard

But that just goes to show

Another time I gave up

Doesn't it?

And Pandora is giving me all these

Sad songs, even though it doesn't know

What is wrong with my life, wrong with me

Wrong with me.

Not that I know and my best friends

Will come up to me and say "What's wrong

What's wrong?"

But I don't have an answer.

If I did it, I would've taken my magic hammer

And whacked something.

But funny, I don't have an answer

Or a magic hammer

And ghosts from my past ride past on their bikes

And I would speak but my lips are locked

like Danica said

And somehow I don't know where the key is

If there is a key to me and my life anymore

If there ever was

If there ever will be

If there is something still waiting for me

After my running

and my screaming

and my fighting

and my giving up and going

who knows where

Yeah, if there's a key

if there's something missing

Because I'm not complete ...

If there's a key?

If it will ever be rescued

Brought up

From the depths of black hole

That filled the space

Where I used

to be.

The Question of Me

What's funny is that I haven't even noticed the depression creeping back in.

Oh? You thought I got rid of it, after that bout in January? So did I. But it turns out that some things don't stay long term no matter how much you wish they will.

This morning was nice. It was beautiful outside. I talked to Seattle. I'm wearing one of my favorite shirts and my hair isn't as annoying as I complain. 

But I woke up from troubled dreams. I missed a bus. I yelled at people. I got stares that I don't see in real life anymore because I'm too busy looking down.

And there are just those fleeting instants where I think I'm all right but then remember that I'm all wrong instead.

Just one change of direction can take you to the wrongest place ever.

Like when Georgie tries to chase me down at lunch but gives up because I run away as fast as I can and she doesn't know where, but the funny thing is how I'm not running from her, I'm running from something I don't know yet, and when I lean against a tree after running I feel lonelier than ever and wonder why there was this desperate feeling of needing to get away when Georgie is what I want, what I need, but every time I'm around her I just want to go away because she doesn't deserve to have a best friend like me, if I'm a friend at all.

I can't smile anymore, and I'm not just making me cry, and Danica's eyes are welling up and she's turned away and after science she drags me to a tree and pulls me into this hug and I cry and she says it's going to be all right I promise and I think no, no, it's not

because 
it's me
we're talking about
and I'm not really
me
anymore
am I?

A Very Important Life Lesson

I would put this on the WILT column and probably will, but I just gotta say that one thing you have to do in order to fix anything is to make sure you have both sides figured out. 

I'm going on a metaphor here, but things do break and if you just try and push one side the other side will be nudged away. You have to have a hold of both, especially if they're fragile like any living thing.

This especially goes with fights. Lately there have been quite a bit in my life lately, best friends between best friends. So maybe not necessarily best friends or not necessarily fights, but good friends and the kind of silent treatment or misunderstanding that makes you lose your footing and your tears to your pillow.

This week, Nash and Danica, the most inseparable best friends ever, had some misunderstandings. But since I was an outsider, I managed to talk to both of them and found out that they just wanted the other person to talk to them, "but she's not talking to me!". It was ... not funny because they didn't realize that their best friend wanted the same thing they did and nobody made a first move 'cause they thought the other person was ignoring them.

But they got over it. And that's like me and Georgie. We haven't been fighting, but we've been getting more and more apart because we didn't know what went wrong but something did ... but just now over gmail chat and letters we realized it's been the same thing that's wrong with us: we both think it's our fault.

When in reality it's nobody's.

I'm not saying this will always be the case, but a lot of the time you just have to take a walk in someone else's shoes. Even if they are big or small or flashy or drab or broken-in or new or whatever. There's always more you can find out ... more that will teach you how to put yourselves together again. Don't be blind.

It's Not the End

Sometimes, I realize that I'm not the only one.

My friend sits next to me and I unknowingly start to pass notes with her and she's overly cheerful and I don't know what's going on and she passes a letter to me that is also super cheerful but right now she can't hide anything and her eyes are filling with tears and I've seen that look before.

Stop, she writes when I try to cheer her up. You're going to make me cry.

Of course, that's when the tears start.

Just a few, and she's not even shaking as she wipes them away, but I am sitting there not knowing what to do because I used to be the one who sat there crying. 

I am going to get up to my teacher and ask him if she and I can leave and talk it out, but we're doing important stuff and she doesn't want anybody to know, probably.

So I do what I can, and I tell her to smile, but she says she just can't anymore, and sometimes people break your heart.

But there's a quote I found today. You can see it to the right. 

I'm just hoping for one more day, to peel back the blue and show her the stars.

For Keeps

Lately I've been going back through all my old stuff, which basically means last year.

Even looking at my handwriting, you can tell so much has changed.

But it's still cool to connect with the person I was. Go through my old math homework. My old English assignments, my old hangman games with Greni, letters from Kahler and Danica, and I even found ungiven thank-you cards from my thirteenth birthday party that I hadn't realized I still had. 

It's like how sometimes people change and things change and you're not sure where you were but all you can figure out is where you are right now. That's how I feel lately, like I'm not so sure about the future but I'm sure about my past. Maybe that's why I'm a writer, and why I write about my life sometimes: because I'm a dreamer but you need stuff to anchor you down.

Seattle will talk to me but sometimes he'll talk to someone else, and sometimes things seem hopeless between us because he'll catch my eye and look away but it's not like I care, because there are things like this morning when we walked past each other in the hallway then both looked back at the exact same time ...

So I've been going back through my old stuff, as I said before. And there are the things that make me wanna cry, but there are things like old assignments I worked with Seattle on that are so purposefully stupid I laughed my head off re-reading them and I'm bringing them to school tomorrow, like those thank-you cards, because if you don't know if you can share your future, at least you can share the past.

And I say thank you.

It's Not All Wrong Anymore

It's interesting how you expect something and get something the complete opposite.

I have a habit of being depressed at parties. There were 3.5 depressed ones before I learned how to have fun again, but then after 1.5 amazing ones there were 2 depressing ones ... then the fun one from last week ... but yesterday was Georgie's.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to be depressed at my best friend's birthday party {or mine} but things like that just happen. This week has been one of my worst all year, and that's kind of saying something. It wasn't just boy problems like it was last year. It wasn't just girl friend problems like most of this year. It wasn't just school problems. It was all three ... and let's just say I've had a TON of fun. *sarcasm*

So last night I wasn't too excited when I got to Georgie's. Her cousin was there and since I was first to arrive {I bothered my parents to drive me early because I'm always late to Georgie's house} we bopped balloons around and it was fun, but then after Nash and Danica showed up, I started clamming up. The movie started and I'd make funny remarks and Nash would smile a little, but Danica wouldn't react when I talked to her or replied to something she aimed at Nash.

So I sat all alone on my chair thinking I deserve this. And I had one of my favorite songs stuck in my head and my brain repeated this one phrase over and over again:

IT'S ALL WRONG

and I could feel the tears starting. I'd had some fun at places like these, but one thing I knew about this party was that I was going to go home and pretend it had been fun to my parents and bury my face in my pillow and cry.

But then Danica came to my rescue and she poked my sock and wouldn't give up and unknotted my hair and laughed at me and put her chin on my shoulder and said she was my conscience.

And you know, sometimes it takes your best friend having a peppermint contest with you to fix things. Sometimes it's yourself. It's all in your mind.

But sometimes you have to let your knight come in and save you and then Danica hugs me and whispers "I hope you're OK," and I say "I'm OK," because maybe I am now, and maybe I'll get better, but you gotta start from somewhere.