"The End"

Well, I'm sorry for posting to much today, but I just have to get these feelings out of my brain and I realized that I hadn't told you the story of Seattle and Me yet, which would help to clarify the feelings I'm feeling right now. Which is a lot of feeling, but it's true.

So these past days of school have been pretty sad, mostly because on the very last day of school, everyone went around playing cards and acting like it wasn't the last day--even the sun sets in paradise--and that's why I was being me.

And now I'm causing a scene ... need a reason to smile ...

But I spent all of yesterday, my first day of summer vacation, finding all the pictures of me and my friends that I could and making a slideshow. And even though I didn't get all the memories, I feel like I captured it pretty well.

It was funny because last night at Kahler's, the only people who weren't playing soccer and therefore actually watched the slideshow were Nash, Danica, Liberty and Stephen. Orqua came in halfway because presumably she heard the music, but anyhoo.

We stopped the movie halfway and it felt like a secret {haha} because we were the only ones who knew the movie had stopped because everyone was busy playing soccer and chasing down Seattle, who isn't really Seattle if you know what I mean, which you probably don't, but I felt like Seattle was sitting with me when I watched the slideshow for about the millionth time.

It was playing to Daylight by Maroon 5, and Liberty groaned. "Why did you play this song? I hate it."

"Yeah, why'd you pick this song?" asked Stephen.


It fit.

And even though Sunburn by Owl City might have fit better--I tried not to cry as we said goodbye but I shed a tear as you disappeared 'cause now I'm a stranger on the ground--it doesn't, actually. Daylight played through my head the entire day long but I realized, although I titled the slideshow "The End," it was wrong, because this isn't the end, this isn't the end, this is just the pause between memories and the three words I wrote on the last slide:

To Be Continued

The Story of Seattle and Me Part Dream

If you haven't read Parts Wednesday and Friday in that order, then please go back and do that before you continue or this won't make too much sense. 

... So the last two school days pass by and during the first one, Me didn't speak a single word to Seattle because she pretty much didn't see him at all. And on the last day of school Me got plenty of chances to talk to him but every time she cried out there was no reply. But it wasn't like there should've been, because half of the times she was screaming inside, and everyone knows you can't hear that unless you're the one on the inside, which Me was. Which is ironic because Me was on the outside of everything else.

So Me ended up walking outside the science classroom intending to leave when she bumped into Seattle. And what did he say? "Hi," to Me. And then he walked inside the science classroom and she was left standing there like "Oh, that's how it is."

Which made her want to leave all the more, but Seattle beat her to it, so all there was was an empty space under a tree where they once stood together in their favorite weather. There might also be an empty skating rink, but there will probably be plenty of people there to mess up their lives every day of the year. Maybe they should just close it.

The End

The Story of Seattle and Me Part Friday

{If you haven't read Part Wednesday yet, do it}

Two days later, Seattle and Me were are the skating rink again, which was quite possibly even stupider than coming on Wednesday, but they did anyway. And kind-of dances came and went, but none of them included them both holding hands, although Seattle did end up holding hands with Vanessa and Hillary, which was kind of funny and made Me laugh. Only it probably wasn't a real laugh, but you don't know that. And it wasn't like she was looking for him on the skating rink anyway, because she totally and completely wasn't.

It was strange because that night everyone decided to skate around the rink really super fast a million times, and Me somehow felt like doing that too. So she skated around, and she wasn't trying to catch up to Seattle to talk to him, absolutely not, but she ended up next to him anyway and she said something along the lines of: "So there you are causing destruction again," and she didn't just mean that he'd just fallen and knocked down a little girl with him. Although she didn't see that, you know, 'cause she totally and completely wasn't following him with her eyes secretly.

"I told you you were going to ask another girl on Friday," said Me, and she couldn't catch Seattle's expression because they weren't quite next to each other anymore. Skating at the speed of light does that. In fact, this whole conversation was yelled over other people's heads while skating just that fast, but it wasn't like Me wanted to be next to Seattle anyway.

And then Seattle said the worst possible thing that he could've said, which included "I cared when I asked you to kind-of dance, but you didn't because you refused me the first time."

And then Me had to stop and say too much and say that she'd meant it too, and she couldn't read his face after she said that, because it was when he was leaving, so she got this great image of him walking away, which was just what people do all the time anyway. 

That's what Me gets for trusting people, but she learned her lesson ...

The Story of Seattle and Me Part Wednesday

So ... once upon a time there was this skating rink and they liked playing songs and announcing them to be kind-of dances, where boys ask girls and the other way around, so that they could skate together.

Also once upon a time, there was a boy named Seattle and a girl named Me, and the girl kind of sort of had a crush on Seattle, only you don't know about that. And they went to this skating rink, which was quite possibly the most stupid idea ever, because it has a reputation for making bad things happen, at least in Me's life. For the past two years all the other boys like Seattle had ended up asking her best friends to this kind-of dance thing, and being a young and silly and dramatic person, Me would overreact and then ruin her life and spend the summer being young, silly, dramatic and depressed.

Anyway, that's why it took Me a little while to process it when she just barely got on her skates and all of a sudden they announced a kind-of dance and then Seattle came over to her and asked her to kind-of dance.

So there Me was, standing there all awkward-like trying to figure out if a. she was dreaming or b. her friends set her up. Which was what she'd been kind of afraid of. So the first thing out of her mouth was "What?" closely followed by "Why?" with a dose of "It's a dare, isn't it?"

But Seattle said it wasn't a dare and Me had this dumb habit of trusting Seattle even though she knew better and she ended up promising to do it if there was another kind-of dance. Which her friends made sure there was.

For the first time in what seemed like months, Seattle was talking to Me. But then the kind-of dance was announced and Me kind of hid in this dark party room for a while but then left it to hide behind a pillar, which she really shouldn't have done if you ask Me.

Of course, Seattle had to see her hiding behind this pillar and skated over and said "So are you going to kind-of dance with me?" and Me stalled because she happens to be a Pro Staller {has nothing to do with bathrooms, but those are nice hiding places too}. 

But the conversation went on long enough and Me didn't know how it happened, but they were holding hands and skating together. Which was really awkward, really sweaty, really stiff, really stupid, and generally a point of regret all around.

And then Red started playing {by Taylor Swift} and Me was stupid enough to tell Seattle that that song reminded her of him. And that's the last thing they said, because everyone started leaving, so Me watched Seattle leave and wondered how someone you didn't even like could mess you up so much in the space of half an hour.

Xboxes Teach You Things

Last night we went out and bought an Xbox because the one we had was faulty and only worked if you whacked it. Please don't use that method on things that don't work, such as siblings, but sometimes it works on Xboxes.

But this one was jamming up and not doing what we wanted it to, and so we replaced it, and I'm just sitting here thinking about it and wishing that I could possibly do that with other things in life. But you know, video games are not real life, and therefore don't usually apply to real world things. So like whacking things doesn't work, buying and replacing things doesn't work.

Too bad they don't sell lives and second chances at the store, huh.

Dear Goodbye

Dear Goodbye

That's what I say to you

That's what you say to me

Everything goes so fast

I'm not sure who leaves

I wake up and clutch at the blankets

As if they were the dream I left

If I could just get a good grip

I could remember better

Though I remember too well

Every little thing that I do

Every image that I see

Has something to do with you

I get out a blank piece of paper

And the first thing I draw is a star

Another wish that I could see you

Instead of just this dreamy fog

Music plays inside my head

And I fill the paper with lyrics

Innocent words that bring you up again

And I'm like "LIFE! SERIOUSLY!!!!"

You can't tell anyone what to do

But there are so many things to say

Dear Goodbye, if only I had told you

Maybe you would've stayed ...

"Maybe It's Just Me"

Sometimes I have these flashbacks.

I'm standing in the kitchen last night thinking "I can't believe it was yesterday," because the last day of school seems forever ago, even though I can remember it clearly. It's just ... maybe I've spent so much time dreaming that I can't remember real life.

I'm in Kahler's backyard watching a movie in a language I speak and missing the times when I used to do that with my family.

I'm sitting on a stone table writing in my journal and looking out at the view--the field and the sun through the maple leaves that light up like seaweed and the row of trees and beyond them, the blue of the mountains reflecting the sky. It's weird how I hardly stop to enjoy nature anymore, because I'm too busy creating things of my own.

Someone just asked me if I wanted to go with them to play soccer or something I can't recall now, but I had a split second decision and said "No."

"You should learn how to say no," I told someone last night.

"I never give in to peer pressure," said Fortune another time.

I'm sitting alone on the grass. "We're best friends so it's okay," says Nash, or Danica, because they're both huddling in the blankets together.

I grab Danica's hand to write I'm living in the past, because I still haven't realized. "You're freaking cold," she exclaims, and I smile to myself.

My hands are cold ... and I'm on my knees looking for the answer ...

I'm on my knees and they're getting grass stains but that's okay because I'm faking writing in my journal just so I won't look as lonely as I feel in the pit of me right now, because nobody's invited me to share the warmth of the blankets and I'm not sure I want to. 

And right now, I'm listening to a song that Seattle and I call "The Liar Song," but I bet he doesn't even remember that or care to.

Yes, my hands are cold, and I flashback to a moment when Seattle shined a laser light into my eyes and I remembered when he used to flash his watch at me and do just that, only the sunshine is gone right now.

Vanessa hugs me and mistakes me for Georgie, who she's been hanging out with all night, and I say it's fine when she pretty much screams "I'm so sorry!!!!"

"I guess it's just me," I say and I'm not sure if anybody hears me.

I have to leave and Danica hugs me. "You're not good at this, are you?"

"What, leaving? I leave all the time," I say, but the pit grows wider because I'm always the one who stays while everyone else leaves.

Time

I've worn a watch since the sixth grade, by which I mean I take it off to sleep etc. {like glasses! And jewelry!} and sometimes lose it ... but still. I war a watch, and I'm one of those people who looks at their watch a lot to pass the time or to freak out because it's flying by so fast.

The funny thing is that lately, I don't look at my watch at all. I'm so busy every single moment of every single day, whether it's busy being uncomfortably sad or busy being unnaturally happy.

And those are the feelings I get at summer parties.

I remember last year how there were only a few of those but I was depressed at every single one, mostly because I was so scared that it was the last time every time and that nothing would be the same again. I was so lonely then, like I'm lonely now. But things didn't change this year like I thought they would ... only this time I know for one hundred percent sure that things are going to change.

I'm going to high school. My friends are going to high school and they'll have all their old friends and I'll have them, which just makes for the fact that my friends won't be my friends anymore and I'll just be this lonely person who doesn't even have parties to show her feelings.

It's funny because I went to a party at Kahler's house yesterday even though I wasn't going to, but I figured you might as well be lonely in the middle of friends who have the potential of making you okay rather than at home where you can't help yourself. So I go to the party and I pass the time by sitting here wishing that my parents would come and pick me up and regretting that I actually came.

But you know, things can change. Because I started realizing that I'm just being dramatic. I'm a very dramatic person. And it's kind of funny that I brought my watch because I only looked at it once all of last night, and that was because I remembered that I had a watch. The rest of the night I couldn't even feel its presence on my skin {don't worry it didn't get stolen} but I think that's because I've had a realization lately that some things you only get once, so why spend those seconds looking at your watch when you could be looking at so much else?

Please Don't Let it Be Over Yet

This morning I was walking around with Greni and she said
"This is the last day I have at this school" 

And she kept walking

This morning everyone was playing cards and laughing

While I sat there full of memories

That leaked out of my eyes

And Danica led me to the place where the piano was

And she said "Remember the songs we sang?"

But my fingers forgot

So we went outside instead to where the tree was

The tree with the leaves like bright stars

Especially when they fall

And I think of the Taylor Swift lyrics to Red

That I sung this morning because I meant them

Things are beautiful before they fall

And like that last glow of an ember before it turns to ash

I started singing with Danica and the words just

Flowed and glowed out of me

But I was still feeling that hole inside me

Because I can't let go but there's no rope

I can hold onto ...

Danica grabs my hand and she writes a ZAP

I look at it before the time she wrote it's so far away

And it's Dr. Seuss

He knew children better than anyone and I'm a child

Aren't I? "Don't cry because it's over smile because

it happened."

But I'm still here childishly thinking, "It's not over"

It's not because it can't be because I can't

Can't walk away

So as I wrote in a song I created last night

"Our last hug, our last touch"

But forgive me for lying 'cause hey

There's always someday"

What Yearbooks Can't Do

It's the end of the year, guys. And no, don't be like my mom and say "But 2013 just started!" because I mean the school year. Which is pretty much the only year that has ever mattered to me ever since 4th grade, when I realized that school is the best place ever.

Right now I'm sitting here going through my yearbook and thinking about all the things it can't capture.

Sure, there are pictures of my friends and some of us going about our random school stuff. There are the teachers, there are the signatures from my friends and classmates. But ... but you can't understand by looking at my yearbook.

In fact, I don't think anyone will be able to understand that absolute brilliance that was these past two years at this school with these friends.

Pictures can't even capture what makes this life, this home, so special.

They can't capture the inside jokes, like how Orqua and I eat toes {do not take this literally. If you do not understand the inside joke, that is the precise reason it is an inside joke. But these are not live toes}.

They can't capture the soccer games we played at lunch and how they always turned into semi-violent games of hand- and foot- and head- ball. And how we always managed to hit a girl with brown hair and glasses {at least in PE}.

They can't capture the way we all gathered in the practice rooms when they were still open and sang and talked and laughed and accidentally squirted lotion all over the floor {Georgie}.

They can't capture the way everyone in our grade knew each other by first and last name and stuff otherwise. Like I know that these two guys both really like purple, or that this girl is a really good artist, or that this one dude owns a fedora and his life pretty much revolves around it.

Yeah, my friends are weird. But they're special and unique and I just can't let them go, which is why I'm sitting here flipping through my yearbook wondering how anybody ever thought this could sum up the year.

"No! I mean ... Yes? Let Me Think!"

So I went to the rec center tonight and I ran a total of 9 laps, which according to the guy behind the desk is 1.5 miles, but I seriously DO NOT believe that, because the track is WAY bigger than that. So it was probably 2. At least. -_- If I ever get a job at a rec center I will get the facts straight. Or I'll ask a new person next week.

Anyway, once my family was finished, we went outside ... to find a pleasant surprise ... IT'S RAINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

And the reason for all those exclamation points is that all the dots you see? Those are the number of raindrops that hit any given point on your body in the space of a second, and the straight lines are how fast they fall per millisecond, because it is seriously raining raining raining out of the sky right now.

Yes. This much.

Which just goes to show that you can't give up, because earlier I was thinking that the sky even gave up on crying because I was kinda depressed ... but then I smile my face off because the sky didn't. It was just waiting it out, because it's the moment after you decide not to give up that the miracle happens.

Haha, and the next song that comes on Pandora is You Can by David Archuleta. 

And so I'm thinking about Seattle right now. Both the place and the person. This past week {I'll probably explain this someday} has been really awesome in terms of Seattle, but lately he's been kind of acting like things haven't happened. Don't worry, I'm not 16 yet and nothing REALLY crazy has happened. 

But my sister was like "If you love rain so much then move to Seattle!"

To which I said the title. Except for that last sentence, which is what I thought, and what I think when things like this happen. Like dreams come true ... like Seattle the person and Seattle the place.

Oh, but sometimes you can't think, because it's raining so hard and it's so beautiful and I'm just sitting here remembering how I was out in it for a total of about 15 seconds today but I got soaked to the skin, but it's like the hardest rain I've ever ever ever ever been in and the best. 

And I'm thinking about Seattle too, the person, and I'm thinking does it matter about the future when you have the past? Sometimes all you have to do is say.

Goodbye

So here I am listening to high-volume Pandora

Because I don't want to hear the rain

It'll make me want to cry like the sky

Because it's not afraid to hide

It's not afraid of tomorrow

It's not afraid of

Goodbye

So here I am typing so many stupid posts

Because can't let me stop and think

It'll make me want to just scream 

"Why why why why why?"

Maybe I'm overreacting

Maybe I'm just scared

Scared to say

Goodbye

So here I am stuck in the middle again

Because I can't bear to go back to the past

And I can't go to the future yet

Because I'm afraid to let

Let it make me forget

But I can't forget that

Feeling of 

Goodbye

So here I am waving in my memory

Because there are so many things that will leave

So many things that will change

And most of all me

Let me be okay

Let me stay

But I have to

Walk away now,

Goodbye

"They Don't Know About Us"

My mom laughed at me because of what my friends said about missing me during the summer and how they wouldn't survive without talking and seeing me every day. But that's like how I looked up quotes for the words "end" and "ending" and all I found were these happy lift-me-up quotes like "every ending is the beginning of something else." When I don't feel like that now. How come when you look up "You loved me," you get all these depressing things {I don't know actually, but I'm assuming you do. I've never looked it up} when you look up "ending," all there is is happiness?

Just to let you know ... ending is NOT happiness. Ending. Ending is one of the saddest things you can ever do. It's like giving up, but giving up is where you leave. Ending is where everybody leaves. Everything leaves, and then you're left standing there with no feeling before you realize It's gone. It's over. It's done.

It's ended.

I've been slamming my head against the laptop and trying not to cry because I don't want to let myself realize that this magic time is over and I'm one of the only people who's ever going to be able to appreciate how really really really miraculous it all was. How can two years go so fast?

How can two years end so fast?

What Danica Knows

"Danica, what do you think about when you fall asleep?" asked my friend a couple weeks ago during one of our therapy sessions.

"I think about good memories," she answered. Which isn't what I do, isn't what I did at all, but now I've realized the magic of that.

It's the end of the school year. There's only one day left, and not everybody is going to go tomorrow because it's like today. Today was pretty much the last day, actually, the last semi-normal day and the last day of half my classes.

We spent lunch signing yearbooks and I go through mine wanting to cry, and with the rain that's falling outside I'd be okay. "Why is it raining on the last day?" cried August. "Like, what the freak?"

But I think it's because the sky is crying too. After all, we're the ones who put sunshine in it.

Like, way to be all selfish there. But I really believe that of me and my group of friends. At least that's where the sunshine in my sky comes in, especially during the storms I bring about. Because then there's a rainbow, and it's the prettiest miracle there ever was.

But that miracle is ending. I've spent two years with these friends but next year is freshman year of high school and 5 times the people there are now and I'm just so afraid of losing people and having them lose me and it's just this emptiness inside of me that refuses to believe this is happening.

"I'm going to wake up one day in the middle of the summer and it'll hit me," I said on the way to get my yearbook today. But that'll be the big hammer hitting. Right now it's kind of like little knives, and my heart is being torn to pieces.


There are rain splatters on my yearbook because I was reading it in the rain. I took millions of pictures of the tree that my friends and I sit under. But they might as well be tears because that's how I feel right now. I feel so sad. This year is over.

But then ... then I think about all the amazing things we've been through. So what if the future isn't so bright? At least I've lived a fairy tale this magical and it even came with a happy ending. Now that that's ending, I can close the book, but that's not to say I'm not going to go back to it.

Because I am. A lot. So far, these past two years are my favorite book.

Little Lights in Town

This isn't the street we walked down, but the lights were strung in pretty
much the same way. Which had this cute effect, only I went just barely,
and since it's stupid enough to be summer, it wasn't dark yet. Pity, but
mosquitoes ...

Today I went one of my friends to the center of town and we walked around and took pictures. "Like tourists in our own town," she said, which was pretty accurate. There are so many things I learned about the little town I live in today. Like that people like to string lights everywhere, and I could only imagine how like stars they would look at night.

You know you want some. I mean, way
to go me for choosing the most un-
appetizing picture ever. But you should've
seen the other one. (:

What's weird is that I actually had fun. I was dreading tonight because I didn't really want to wander around town and feel super awkward and have a long hour in my life, but it turned out to be super fun. Which just goes to show that sometimes your first impressions can be wrong, and you should always try new things because they might just be one of your favorite things.

Like pistachio gelato. No, really.

So I dare you {no, you can't get out of this one!} to try something that someone wants you to try that you're kind of backing out of since it's out of your comfort zone. But you might like it. But don't smoke or do drugs or something stupid, please. Make it reasonable.

Like wandering around your town being a tourist even though it's your town. Or getting gelato. Which really is good, by the way. 

{Especially the pistachio kind!}

The End

I had a dance concert last night, the final one, which means that now my dance classes are over for this school year and won't start again until September. 

It's funny how things end so quickly. Friday took forever, but yesterday's show seemed to fly by. Even now thinking about it, it went super fast. ... Which is strange, because I didn't even read my book yesterday. Either that or I was reading a really slow book on Friday. Which I might've been.

Still, though, it's not just for dance that endings go super fast. One thing that will end soon is the school year, and every night I think about it and it's getting closer, but it is weird that I'm indifferent now that it's actually here, when it was my #1 concern during the rest of the school year.

It's like that one Dr. Seuss quote:

"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."

Secret Sister Secrets

So we've been doing secret sister in dance class, and I've learned plenty about it, which I'm going to share below, because it's one of the funnest ways to receive a gift {better than white elephant}.

First of all, you start off giving everyone a paper with questions they need to answer such as What is your favorite color? What is your favorite candy? Any allergies/dislikes? for suggestions to the secret sister. Then you distribute them randomly and make sure that nobody got themselves. And the secret sisterness begins!

For dance this year, we say you have to give the other person at least three gifts, which is basically a reward for one of our three performances, or the dress rehearsal. I'm not going to give you a giant rant on gifts right now, but here are some helpful tips for the actual giving of the gift.

You can:

• Tell someone to give it to them. If you are doing this one, you should make sure to tell someone to tell someone to give it to them, at least. That way the person as well as the people you use to give the gift aren't sure who the actual secret sister is, which makes it good for secrecy. That's what it's all about, right?
• Put it sneakily by their stuff. MAKE SURE THEY ARE NOT AROUND. It's also best if not many other people are around, or they will know and possibly accidentally drop hints about you!
• Give it to them yourself. With the first bullet point in mind, they will never know it was you ... you just gotta keep a straight face!

And more random tipness:

• When you see them get their gift, hurry over to "find out" what it is and congratulate them. Or if they don't make a show out of getting a gift, then ask them if they got a gift yet.
• Don't make it obvious it's you, i.e. don't be around when they find their gift. I don't mean run away, but if you're returning from a dance performance, say, make sure to place the gift there and then arrive later than the person does.

Have fun ...

Taking Down the Wall

Last night was ... so dang magical.

So it was the first evening performance of my dance company. We've been doing dance stuff all week and I've been super tired but it's been so worth it, and I finally realize that after so much time and so many weeks full of dance classes, because of what happened last night.

My class's first dance went off without a hitch. We were dancing in pajamas, which was sweaty but awesome, and it didn't feel so much like a real deal performance because you can't see the audience with so many bright lights. But then they started cheering at the end, and I knew they were there. 

It was our second dance that did it, though. It's about the Berlin wall, so we have these giant black PVC pipe blocks that are stacked to make one. The first half of the dance is depressing because we're trying to get through the wall and one of our dancers falls off the wall and "dies" but then the song changes and as we all walk towards the wall with what can only be described as hope and defiance ... it's just so good, especially being up there. And then we start taking it down and a smile floods my face under all those lights, and my end position is looking up with my arms wide open. And despite the fact that I am staring right into several bright lights while I do it, I'm still smiling.

So that's my second dance, but what was the best about tonight was the intermission, when we set up the wall and my class, in our lovely red and black costumes, gathered in a circle for a group prayer. Then we went around hugging each other, but it ended in a giant group hug. Then someone said "Let's do a balloon!" and we grabbed hands. We started as close together as possible, then we expanded. Every time we came back, someone said something good about our class.

"We're awesome."
"We can dance."
"We look great in red."
"We can smile!"
"I LOVE YOU GUYS!!!!"

And that last one was echoed around everywhere. Because last night we realized that a year of friendship and playing dance tag and games before class started had made us friends. We made dances together, and although we may have put together that wall, we took it down, down, down.

"I'm going to cry," said one of my classmates when we had finished the last prayer after the balloon and some of us gathered in the wing to start offstage. "If my makeup runs tomorrow, you know what happened," said another of my classmates as we walked up the stairs at the end of the show.

But I see no reason to cry. Because dance is so much for me.

Long live the walls we crashed through, and long live the walls we took down. Together.

Forgetting

Lately I am forgetting all these things that I need to remember and it's bugging me SO MUCH, but sometimes I realize that there are benefits to forgetting some things. 

Like how there used to be so much on my mind all the time and I'd read the signs even when they weren't really there. When someone would say something that would trigger a memory and I would frown and spend the day doing just that. 

When a song plays on the radio that played during a memory I'd rather forget.

And for once I am forgetting.

Even if it is things that I need to do, like ask for an excuse note from my dance class. Because there are catches to everything and the bright side is that I'm not so nostalgic anymore. Right now the future might not be so great, and the past is definitely something that I need to stop having on my mind all the time, but I have a present to live right here, right now, and what am I supposed to remember in fifty years?

"Oh, all I did in 2013 was remember the past, worry about the future, and ... do nothing in the present because I didn't allow myself to have a present."

But we're doing secret sisters in dance class and I love giving everything but up.

So that's where I'll be looking ...

Sorry, I'll Stay

I guess I got another revelation in PE today. The funny thing is how I remember that back in the wallyball/volleyball days when I chose the team of people who never got chosen and had the time of my life, I was happy ... but it turns out I remember this feeling of frustration and pent-up anger when that happens.

Today we played softball. Fact: I am not a good softball player. Fact: There are plenty of girls in my grade who are the same. And another fact: Pretty much all of my good friends are sporty and therefore good at softball. Or they're like Danica and Hillary and they have played softball for a while and are super pro. 

And Boomer had the smarts {this is sarcasm btw} to say "Okay, you guys can pick your own teams."

Which didn't mean people picking the leaders picking the people, but the girls all separating into their own teams. Which, of course, meant that all the popular + sporty girls ended up on one end and all of the non-sporty, normal ones were on the other. Which meant, of course, that team #1 dominated because they were team #1.

I stayed on the second team. First of all, the only people who were talking to me without me having to talk to them were the people on team #2, who are also my friends because I don't believe in not being friendly to people who don't give me reason to not be their friend. Anyway, I happened to be next to them, so I just stayed where I was, figuring maybe one of my friends would want me on their team, but of course they didn't, so I stayed and didn't mind and laughed with my friends on my team because they were my team.

But what bothered me the most was the way that my friends on Team #1 bragged at lunch about how they dominated and how it was so FUN!!!! and they WON!!!! and they were so GOOD!!!!


I know my friends on team #2 aren't the type of people to really care that it's competitive sports, but they try. And I hate it when things like this happen and the first team is all like WE WON! When it wasn't even a fair game at all, and sometimes I want to have captains pick teams, because if I was captain, 99% of the time my first choice would be someone from team #2. 

So think about it. Which are you?

The Cents in Humor

Read the post title again. That was a pun! Ha! Ha! ...


...


Well, I've always wondered why people want to be comedians. For one, it must be freakin' hard standing up there trying to get people to laugh and failing half the time ... but some people are skilled at what they do, and who doesn't want a good laugh? I admire comedians, because they know that you can find something funny in everything. You can make everything funny, and the best feeling is making someone laugh {next to laughing yourself}.

Now, I want you to find the nearest person and tell them to lie on the floor and cross their arms over their chest. Tell them to breathe in, and then tell them to breathe out. While they breathe out, press their arms where they cross. This is called the laugh test, and it doesn't work on Danica, who laughs enough anyway, but I hope you have fun {and the nearest person isn't a stranger}.

Lately I have realized that the reason why I've been having a better time is that I find the funniness in things. I don't mean things like people falling down or animal cruelty, but the things that would normally make me embarrassed, or bored, or annoyed. 

Like the other day when my wet flip-flop slipped and sent me bum-first onto the floor, and the high schoolers didn't help me up. I brushed myself off and walked with my head high and grinned at them when they went past.

There was this question I found on one of those e-mail things you get frequently {if you're me, but I suppose you're not ...} and it asked "Do you smile at strangers?" I put "Depends on the stranger," but it's not like you can know a stranger. So the other day I was at a public gathering and smiled at everyone I saw and this older man came up to me and asked me directions because I seemed like a friendly person {or because my sisters are weirdos and I'm not so intimidating}.

So ... that's another lesson I shall depart with you today {was that proper grammar?}. Just ... laugh. Things are fun and they are funny and you can laugh alone, too.

Just Friends

Orqua nudges me as we walk together, right after I elbow her because the boy she likes is walking right next to us. "You have no reason to nudge me!" I cry, even though there are slight reasons. Like that we're friends and you have to nudge your friend and wink even though she doesn't like anybody.

And then one of my old crushes walks me to the soccer field and I haven't talked to him in forever, but it feels nice because we're just friends and I'm not freaking out about him, just happy he's staying by my side and we're talking and laughing.

And Georgie brings more good news that she might move somewhere even closer to me, and I know things will work out and we're going to stay friends no matter if she moves to a different state.


Literally rides by on his bike and I call out to him. Georgie's crush comes over and talks with me and includes me in their inside jokes and I realize I have guy friends, too.

And there's a journal I pass around with my girl friends--Kahler, Nash, August, Danica, Souri, Georgie, Vanessa, Orqua, Tangorine ... all of them. And they're all talking about how it's so sad it's the end of the year and we're gonna miss each other.

Georgie and I were talking on the phone the other day and we have realized that we are going to miss each other but right now you have to stop and enjoy the moment because no matter what my mom says, friendships are worth fighting for.

Nowhere to Run To

I was just going to start this post with "It's funny how ..." but that seems to be the way I always start posts, which a. is annoying and b. should be changed because it's too repetitive and I'm not THAT boring. *ahem* I hope.

Today's been a good day. Which is another phrase I'm using commonly now, but who am I to complain when I have a smile on my face when I say it? And I promise it's not that much of a fake one anymore, because I'm actually okay for once. Sometimes when I'm sitting by myself this screen flashes in my head that says I'm OK. And sometimes I almost start crying because it's such a lie but today I smile because it's actually true.

I like smiling.

So one of the things I'm going to write about here is how freaking tired I am. During PE today we did our 12-minute timed run, which I ran, sprinted the last thirty seconds, and apparently still felt nice enough to run the last 3 minutes of the next session of runners. Which was fun, but I was all floppy afterwards. And then at lunch I played soccer, which I shouldn't've done, because my sprinting abilities have decided to go die in a hole.

{Not that I had many sprinting abilities in the first place. But at least SOME.}

I also had my last dance class of the year, which included plenty of running around and it was just ... yuck. And sweaty. But it was fun, I guess, but that's not necessarily the kind of tired I'm trying to get to here.

{You see, I took my English CRT today. Which means that I'm gonna be using all these smart metaphors and similes and proper grammaticalness and yeah! It'll be exciting. 'Cause I have to use my learning for something, right?}

You see, there are plenty of ways to become tired. By which I mean, two = physically and mentally. I already talked about the physically part, but the mental part is having issues right now

Hey, don't write yourself off yet ... 

and sorry, The Middle just came on Pandora and it is fitting with what I'm trying to get through right now, so ... go listen! It'll be great background music and make you feel like I feel when I'm writing this. Not that you need more connection to me. ANYHOO

I am mentally tired as well as physically tired. I spent much of English reading {after I speedily finished my test, but don't worry, I double-checked it}. Then in Math all we did was math review problems the whole time and I almost fell asleep. I mean, of course I didn't fall asleep {I'm a good student! I promise!}, but I felt SUPER tired after the bell rang and I tried to walk fast to the bus.

And then there was the matter of PE. After we were finished we did this thing where we lay down on the floor and Boomer did this calming thing where we had to tense and relax, but the bad part was that I couldn't concentrate because Boomer told us to imagine that we were in the calming place and somewhere like home that was relaxing but my mind took me to the one place that wasn't relaxing at all, only I guess I have been thinking about it all lately. And so I went back to my old school by force of mind, but that wasn't fun either and there were tears in my eyes by the end of the relaxation thing and all I got from it was another layer of tiredness.

Not to mention that it's just kind of hard keeping up with everything. Sure I can run faster and farther than ever before, but I'm so behind on everything. I'm still going too fast or too slow or just stuck, I guess. And I have to juggle friendships and conflicts and homework and it's that time when I guess I just need some sleep.

Only sleep likes to give me troubling dreams. So I guess this is the one time I can relax and think about good things. 

{Like Pandora's magic playlist it gave me before and during writing this:

1. WHEN I LOOK TO THE SKY by Train
2. I'M YOURS by Jason Mraz
3. HELLO SEATTLE {haha, hehe} by Owl City
4. WORLD'S GUNNA END by Megan & Liz
5. SOMEWHERE ONLY WE KNOW by Keane
6. THE MIDDLE by Jimmy Eat World
7. STAY STAY STAY by Taylor Swift
8. ALL ALRIGHT by Fun. {The perfect ending, I guess}

Living in Seattle

Don't worry, I'm not moving to Seattle. Or living in Seattle, because goodness knows knowing  a guy named Seattle is confusing enough. But anyhoo, I sort of feel like I'm doing that right now. Both metaphorically and really.

Danica was trying to make me feel better in Science today but what she didn't know is that I already feel so good after how amazing this week has been. Because not only have I somehow gained a positive attitude again, it's been raining off and on. On Tuesday it rained for the entire afternoon, and it's never failed to rain on the other days, including today. And it'll be sudden storms followed by sunshine and it's just so unbelievably amazing that I stand at my window and smile.


And with the metaphorical stuff? Well, lately all my conversations with my girl friends are about boys. I'm not the one who brings it up, but apparently May is that month. And pretty much this whole year I've been dejected about them, but I passed Seattle in the hallway today and he said "Whoo!" after our inside joke. Which is strange because normally he'll just pass me and say hi or something, but this time I was the one who ended up looking back wishing I'd reacted fast enough.

So when he got a ride home today like he always does on Thursdays {I do not memorize this on purpose} I opened the bus window and called his name and said "Whoo!" back at him. Because I'm living in a place called Seattle, where it rains a lot and if you look past the raindrops caught on the window some girl is smiling.

A Little Less Blah

Something strange that happens to me a lot is that I'll wake up and spontaneously have this song stuck in my head for no reason. The song changes, and sometimes I can connect it with my day.

Today it was Crush by David Archuleta:

I hung up the phone tonight, something happened for the first time
Deep inside, what a rush, what a rush
There's a possibility, that you could ever feel the same way about me
It's just too much, it's just too much

Why do I keep running from the truth? All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized so mesmerized and I just got to know ...

I'm not going to put in the rest here because this isn't a lyric site {haha, you'd be mislead} but I was thinking about how sometimes I feel that way and right now the feeling is coming back.

Anyway, today was a blah day. Meaning that nothing important happened. In fact, it probably sucked if you hold it against all my other days {huh, weird}.

Maybe that's because I was a little stuck in the past. I went back through my old journal yesterday and found out that last year on this day a lot of happy things happened {as well as one unhappy thing: my science class dissected frogs. Yuck}. And I was trying to bring them into my life right now. At lunch I had strawberries like I did this day last year, and I was going to go up to an old friend and make a reference to it, but then I didn't because I realized he probably wouldn't remember.

So I didn't play soccer and sat on the grass in the little rain eating oranges with Georgie and Tangorine and Nash. Danica lay her head on my lap and we talked and wrote on each other's hands and had a blah day.


But I like it that way. Because I realize that right now I might not be feeling a lot of things I used to feel, but at least I'm feeling something, and that's a passion for the future. I may have failed my shuttle run but I'll do better next time. My umbrella may have broken but I'll find a new one for tomorrow. And Danica was asking me where we should go at the end of the year and I told her somewhere fun and she said "but you don't like that place" {or wrote it on my hand anyway} and it's true that I don't. Or didn't. But some things kind of grow on you.

And I realize that with the bad memories in places and people it's okay because you can make new ones. Those were the words I was looking for with Danica at lunch today.

So it rained on the bus ride home and I didn't talk to Seattle. Instead I talked to Kahler and we made plans for the future. And I'm ... excited. Because today might be a blah day, but there's always tomorrow.

Orange Lollipops and Whoo!

Today was another good day. It's kind of strange how all of a sudden you look up and realize that the sun is shining.

Or that it's raining. Which it was today. But I didn't mind at all because who doesn't want a free shower? Besides, rain is the best weather ever, and I realize that's why I have issues singing sad songs about the rain. Which is good because I know so many good songs about the rain. 

Umm, I'll just rant now ...

But anyway, it has been awesome. First of all there was TAing with Georgie, and half the time we were just sitting there on the floor next to each other but that's okay because we're the kind of friends who don't always have to have something to fill the silence. And in US History we watched a movie, which was boring, but at least it gave me some time to learn a lot about Abraham Lincoln ... as well as time to seriously wake up and enjoy myself.

Like in French, how my old language teacher came in and started batting my bangs around my face {he usually acts like he's six} and I whacked him. Or tried to. -_- And then I got an orange lollipop {not for whacking my teacher, sadly}. 

Here, have one.

At lunch I talked with Nash and Georgie and we wandered around, lost Nash, and then found her again while it was raining. Then Danica snuck up on us and we all just stood there with our feet in a square with the rain falling fresh down on us {how can you have stale rain? Unless it's acid rain, eew}. And it was the nicest feeling, not to mention that we had a redhead, a brunette, a blond and me. Which is always nice, even though I'm not choosing my friends just for hair color ... I promise I'm not! I'm not!!!!

*ahem* So in Science I got another orange lollipop, which was funny because both times I didn't have any choice on the flavor of the lollipop. It was entertaining and relaxing and then on the bus ride home Seattle ended up across from me and I would have little side conversations with him while everyone else was loudly discussing something and we were driving down the freeway {or highway?} when he said "I wish I had a grenade to throw at that car and see what happens."

"Uhh, yeah, grenades just make flowers sprout on the windshield," I said sarcastically, which is kind of how I say everything.

{EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVerythinnnnnnng.}

Anyway, then he did this hand motion and said "Whoo!" which I made fun of him for. And he started laughing and turned all red-like, which is all his fault because he makes fun of my noises ALL THE TIME! So I spent the time saying "Whoo!" and I get a grin every time I do now, too, because I said that I'd make fun of him for that forever.

Then Georgie called me and we had another hour-or-so-long talk and we talked about how this summer we're gonna hang out as much as possible and add more to our before summer ends list and knock 'em all off.

And you know, the future doesn't seem so scary anymore.