Tuesday, February 5, 2013

I Remember This Feeling

Lately it's like

I have nothing to go on anymore.

I was talking with Nash last night about how sad things were but all of a sudden I started talking to her about other things. How I'm always in the middle and listening to people say bad things about other people. Not really bad things, just ... different things like "She's always so protective, did you hear what she said about so-and-so today?" or "She would make a big deal out of it, she makes a big deal out of everything."

I hate hearing things like that 'cause in my mind it's tell someone their flaws so they can fix them, not tell someone else their flaws so they fall apart.

Today I felt like that about me, because either I distance myself by not saying things, or I push away by letting them come out. I feel so much, all the time. I was talking to Literally yesterday and he said I'd be great at a debate thing he did, because I'm the best writer he knows. 

What he doesn't know is that I'd be great at a debate because I argue with a passion. But that's only in my head, at night, when I scream things at the people who've done me wrong, things that I'd never be brave enough to say in real life. I'm dramatic, aren't I? Only in my head, I guess. Much of me happens in my head, and that's probably why I'm so separate.

This morning I was super separate. I could see the way Nash was looking at me, the same way she does sometimes but worse, because I knew why. Isn't it terrible when one of your best and oldest friends stares at you like they don't know you at all

It's worse when they stare at you like they don't want to know you at all.

But good things happened today too. Things that took me, as I just wrote to Danica in an email, further away from the sinkhole I'm losing my grip on the second time this year.

'Cause Georgie being my faithful best friend as always, accepted my help on her Science homework, making me feel appreciated. She let me steal her phone, making me feel loved. It was great just poking around at the touchscreen and complaining that my thumbs were too fat, and texting Nash anonymously and happily. It was great when we played two-on-two wallyball during PE, me and Georgie against {but not really} Orqua and Vanessa. 

And it was nice when I did something nice for Seattle, who gave me this look and a feeling I couldn't place because I hadn't had it in so long. But I'm thinking now that I remember this feeling, this feeling of knowing his eyes were on me and that they appreciated what they saw. 

I was normal too, in my math classroom calling out all the answers so my math teacher wouldn't cry over the fact that half the class wasn't listening. Anything I could do.

'Cause Danica slipped me an index card in PE today and it's got the lyrics of one of my favorite songs on it:

I hope your dreams stay big and your worries stay small.

And I almost cried but I smiled instead, because I thought of Seattle and Georgie and Danica and all my friends oh all my 


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