Tuesday, April 30, 2013

On Pause

As you very well know by now {or maybe not. I can be confusing} I've been pretty dang stinkin' {a phrase my sister uses a lot} depressed for a while. Or maybe not depressed. That was a different feeling. This one I'd call something like blah.

So let me rephrase ... as you very well know by now, I've been pretty dang stinkin' blah for a while.

Today I've been feelin' so down
You knocked me onto the ground
But I find a better view of the sky
So maybe I'm, maybe I'm all right

Those four lines are lyrics I just came up with. *bow* I'm not sure it applies to me, but it sort of fits the regime. And the "you" is probably me, which means that I don't have a Multiple Personality Disorder, but I think it might've been me who was the fault this time.

Well, it probably was. Not might've, not I think.

But today ... today things got better. I don't know why. Lately I get this feeling where I wake up and I forget for a moment that I'm sad and I have all these reasons to be sad and the tears that were in my eyes yesterday. But that feeling dragged on throughout the morning, when my sometimes-cranky band teacher was joking and us flautists got away with playing the piano when we were supposed to be in sectionals {sshhhhh} and in English, I sat on a table with Georgie, birthday girl Orqua, and Ase, who helped me study for the vocabulary test, and I'm pretty sure we all aced it. And hey, studying with them was super fun.
Then was an assembly. I hate assemblies usually. But this one ... this one was nice. The past two have both been stressful, because during the first one I was worried about dancing and the second one I was not sure about anything and freaking out friendwise.

But today was just great. I passed notes with Danica through Stephen who was all messenger-like, and I actually talked to Fortune for the first time in a while, and Liberty was there too, and I was next to Georgie and Orqua and having a good time, no matter how much I actually talked. Like me and Kyle established this morning, "Doing nothing with a friend is still fun."

At lunch I'd promised to tell Danica what was wrong with me, and we sat down in the grass by a tree whose leaves will make stars soon {or maybe they've already}. First she asked me some serious questions, which made me giggle because sometimes I can't help but smile when Danica is around {same with Georgie}. It was funny because I was dreading the discussion just like I did yesterday, only for different reasons. Today it was because I didn't think I was sad anymore.

Which is weird, because I know I'll have to face this sometime. But like Orqua and I said in PE, "There's no time like the present."

But I finally figured out what's wrong with me this time. 

"There's past, present, and future," I told Danica, just as this stuff was falling into my brain and out of my mouth {gross I know}. 
The thing is, lately neither of those is good for me. I'm worried about next school year so much that I basically just avoid thinking about it altogether because there's so much I want but can't have, even when I think I have the solution to everything. There's no way that will make me 100% percent happy. Or even 99%. 

And the past has never really been a good point for me. Sure, I've had plenty of good times, but dark times usually aftershadow them all and I can't think about them like Danica does. 

And right now the present isn't showing much promise either.

So I was going too fast or too slow, but now I stopped. I'm stuck. And I've been hating it.

Except for today. After math, where I happily finished my review in like twenty seconds {not really but it seemed fast} and read and wrote in my journal and relaxed. Then I went on the bus and sat across from Seattle. Which basically means almost-touching-knees and a lot of secret just-us conversations. But I'm not talking about this right now ... >.< And then he's saying stuff to just me to purposefully make me make my gross face, and I'm laughing as I leave and, like Danica my therapist says, having some hope for tomorrow.

Monday, April 29, 2013

Time for Me

I never read novels in verse
Because I thought they would be hard
But that just goes to show
Another time I gave up
Doesn't it?

And Pandora is giving me all these
Sad songs, even though it doesn't know
What is wrong with my life, wrong with me
Wrong with me.
Not that I know and my best friends
Will come up to me and say "What's wrong
What's wrong?"
But I don't have an answer.
If I did it, I would've taken my magic hammer
And whacked something.
But funny, I don't have an answer
Or a magic hammer
And ghosts from my past ride past on their bikes
And I would speak but my lips are locked
like Danica said
And somehow I don't know where the key is
If there is a key to me and my life anymore
If there ever was
If there ever will be
If there is something still waiting for me
After my running
and my screaming
and my fighting
and my giving up and going
who knows where
Yeah, if there's a key
if there's something missing
Because I'm not complete ...

If there's a key?
If it will ever be rescued
Brought up
From the depths of black hole
That filled the space
Where I used
to be.

The Question of Me

What's funny is that I haven't even noticed the depression creeping back in.

Oh? You thought I got rid of it, after that bout in January? So did I. But it turns out that some things don't stay long term no matter how much you wish they will.

This morning was nice. It was beautiful outside. I talked to Seattle. I'm wearing one of my favorite shirts and my hair isn't as annoying as I complain. 

But I woke up from troubled dreams. I missed a bus. I yelled at people. I got stares that I don't see in real life anymore because I'm too busy looking down.

And there are just those fleeting instants where I think I'm all right but then remember that I'm all wrong instead.

Just one change of direction can take you to the wrongest place ever.

Like when Georgie tries to chase me down at lunch but gives up because I run away as fast as I can and she doesn't know where, but the funny thing is how I'm not running from her, I'm running from something I don't know yet, and when I lean against a tree after running I feel lonelier than ever and wonder why there was this desperate feeling of needing to get away when Georgie is what I want, what I need, but every time I'm around her I just want to go away because she doesn't deserve to have a best friend like me, if I'm a friend at all.

I can't smile anymore, and I'm not just making me cry, and Danica's eyes are welling up and she's turned away and after science she drags me to a tree and pulls me into this hug and I cry and she says it's going to be all right I promise and I think no, no, it's not

it's me
we're talking about
and I'm not really
am I?

Saturday, April 27, 2013

A Very Important Life Lesson

I would put this on the WILT column and probably will, but I just gotta say that one thing you have to do in order to fix anything is to make sure you have both sides figured out. 

I'm going on a metaphor here, but things do break and if you just try and push one side the other side will be nudged away. You have to have a hold of both, especially if they're fragile like any living thing.

This especially goes with fights. Lately there have been quite a bit in my life lately, best friends between best friends. So maybe not necessarily best friends or not necessarily fights, but good friends and the kind of silent treatment or misunderstanding that makes you lose your footing and your tears to your pillow.

This week, Nash and Danica, the most inseparable best friends ever, had some misunderstandings. But since I was an outsider, I managed to talk to both of them and found out that they just wanted the other person to talk to them, "but she's not talking to me!". It was ... not funny because they didn't realize that their best friend wanted the same thing they did and nobody made a first move 'cause they thought the other person was ignoring them.

But they got over it. And that's like me and Georgie. We haven't been fighting, but we've been getting more and more apart because we didn't know what went wrong but something did ... but just now over gmail chat and letters we realized it's been the same thing that's wrong with us: we both think it's our fault.

When in reality it's nobody's.

I'm not saying this will always be the case, but a lot of the time you just have to take a walk in someone else's shoes. Even if they are big or small or flashy or drab or broken-in or new or whatever. There's always more you can find out ... more that will teach you how to put yourselves together again. Don't be blind.

Friday, April 26, 2013

I'm Annoying, and That's Good

I've probably been watching Wreck-it-Ralph too much recently ...

But today I took a little from it while we were in PE.

It's funny that I have all these huge life revelations during PE. Like how to stay positive ... or how to keep going.

Lately we have been doing running inside because our track got torn down {preceding the building of a new football stadium, whoopee}. So instead of doing a mile, which would be about a million laps around the little gym we are confined in, we do timed runs and our goal is 12 minutes straight, so our training period is 15 minutes.

And for the last three times, I've been running all 15 minutes.

The first time I pretty much died because all I concentrated on was my breathing and how ragged it was and I needed water and my calves hurt and I felt like passing out even though I'd been going slower than slug. And not the car kind.

The second time I managed to pretend I was falling asleep and basically ended up daydreaming, only that didn't work too well because I felt like I was actually going to fall asleep. Which is never a good feeling when you're running along with a crowd of all the girls in your grade. 

But today I was ... great. I was in the mood for a workout and started out running. Okay, not necessarily sprinting, but not necessarily jogging either. So kind of in-between. Which was cool because I was in the front to start us out, and the only one who was running my pace was this one girl who is crazy and could probably sprint a mile.

I can't sprint a mile. But today I kept my fast pace except when I decided to jog in place next to Bradie, who was walking. "Run! Run!" I said. She shook her head.

"I'm gonna push you," I warned, and ran ahead.

Then I'd see other people walking alone or jogging alone. I would run next to them, urging them to run if they were walking, and generally keeping up a conversation because I know that everybody wants their mind off the running and the burning calves and thighs and legs in general and lungs.

I felt like I was on fire. But kind of in the good way.

And whenever I passed Bradie, I'd push her gently in the back until she got so annoyed at me that she ran. Which made me smile and run faster.

'Cause it's funny how I'll run behind somebody slow and watching them makes me start to drag and get tired, but when I run next to them I feel energized.

Ain't being annoying something good?

Thursday, April 25, 2013

One Direction is Right ...

It's funny because sometimes a song you don't want to get stuck in your head gets stuck in your head. But I guess that's why they call it stuck.

Right now I have "Little Things" by One Direction stuck in my head. And I mean stuck.

But you know, sometimes even the most semi-annoying or omnipresent {right word?} bands can strike a right chord. {Heh heh.}

Sometimes all of a sudden I feel terrible and I don't know why and then I realize it's probably something big that happened. Or, you know, I do that in reverse order, which means something big & bad happens and I realize I feel terrible. 

Like yesterday, when my math teacher decided that my test grade was an 80%. I know for some people out there this is good ... but for me it really, really, really, REALLY REALLY REALLY REALLY {sorry Georgie I know you hate when people do that} sucks. Which meant that I went home, did all the homework I had for probably ever, and sulked.

Which meant that when I came to school this morning I wasn't happy.

And it all makes sense to me

But you know, sometimes you can stand up and make yourself get out of that rut. Which I can, apparently, because once "Little Things" got stuck in my head I realized it is just about the little things.

Like getting ice cream today because I am a TA and the teacher I TA for had a birthday.

Like the windless sunshine.

Like playing soccer and kicking it SOMEWHERE.

Like singing, even if it's only to myself. {Not that I really enjoy singing to anybody else.}

Like getting things done.

Like reading a book.

Like being at the library.

Like annoying people with overuse of the word "like."

Like the fact that my grades don't matter right now. They will soon though so I better shape up ... but you know, I can always go talk to my math teacher and retake it. Wouldn't that be smart?

Seattle Speaks!

Seattle and I don't usually get many chances to talk, but when we do we talk about A LOT. Which is kind of strange, considering I'm usually caught up staring at him ... but when he's not looking, of course.

One of the things we talk about is books. Which of course makes me like them more. But I didn't just say that ... anyway, it's funny 'cause his favorite book is mine, too. Not that I did that on purpose, but it's a really good book. Sometimes it's funny how you love the things you love and sometimes they love each other too. Like Seattle and books. You should just see my bookshelf, if it's not full to bursting I get really mad, and even then I have to organize it every day by author last name, spine color, title name, page number ... etc.

We also talk about movies. Or we did once, and again I found out that we both love this one old movie called Secondhand Lions. If you haven't seen it, go see it. Actually, it swears a bit. But it's an amazing movie and it's really funny and it's not dirty. {NO KIDDING! Like a dirty movie would be my favorite.}

And songs. Which is cool 'cause my friends are weirdos like me {actually, I'm not weird ... but you knew that} and sometimes we just talk about music. Ain't that weird? I happen to be a fan of Taylor Swift and Owl City, but I've been expanding my horizons and sometimes I share songs with friends, especially Seattle. Or we don't share songs, 'cause we're usually commenting on our bus drivers' choice of radio station. Which is generally unfavorable, like the commercials she had this morning.

{To which I usually point up and say, "Oh, this one is my favorite! I hear it all the time, I've got it practically memorized!" 'Cause I'm funny like that.}

Magic things like that happen, so I'm sorry for writing too much about Seattle ... but still. It's like on Tuesday how we passed each other walking down the hall, and then when I got to the end of the hall and looked back and he happened to at the same time ... heh.

So just a news flash 'cause I realize I haven't posted much in the past days ... so yeah! Laters!


You hear the sound as the paper slides
Across the desk, full of your lies
You say you're okay but you want to cry
But you don't know why, don't know why

All of those love songs that make your heart throb
That is, they would if your heart hadn't stopped ...

Friends talk to friends and you would join in
But they never listen and so you didn't
Walking away, you wish you were with them
Instead of just wondering what they are whispering

And you're being dramatic but you just can't quit
Thinking it's all wrong but you can't live like this

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

It's Not the End

Sometimes, I realize that I'm not the only one.

My friend sits next to me and I unknowingly start to pass notes with her and she's overly cheerful and I don't know what's going on and she passes a letter to me that is also super cheerful but right now she can't hide anything and her eyes are filling with tears and I've seen that look before.

Stop, she writes when I try to cheer her up. You're going to make me cry.

Of course, that's when the tears start.

Just a few, and she's not even shaking as she wipes them away, but I am sitting there not knowing what to do because I used to be the one who sat there crying. 

I am going to get up to my teacher and ask him if she and I can leave and talk it out, but we're doing important stuff and she doesn't want anybody to know, probably.

So I do what I can, and I tell her to smile, but she says she just can't anymore, and sometimes people break your heart.

But there's a quote I found today. You can see it to the right. 

I'm just hoping for one more day, to peel back the blue and show her the stars.

For Keeps

Lately I've been going back through all my old stuff, which basically means last year.

Even looking at my handwriting, you can tell so much has changed.

But it's still cool to connect with the person I was. Go through my old math homework. My old English assignments, my old hangman games with Greni, letters from Kahler and Danica, and I even found ungiven thank-you cards from my thirteenth birthday party that I hadn't realized I still had. 

It's like how sometimes people change and things change and you're not sure where you were but all you can figure out is where you are right now. That's how I feel lately, like I'm not so sure about the future but I'm sure about my past. Maybe that's why I'm a writer, and why I write about my life sometimes: because I'm a dreamer but you need stuff to anchor you down.

Seattle will talk to me but sometimes he'll talk to someone else, and sometimes things seem hopeless between us because he'll catch my eye and look away but it's not like I care, because there are things like this morning when we walked past each other in the hallway then both looked back at the exact same time ...

So I've been going back through my old stuff, as I said before. And there are the things that make me wanna cry, but there are things like old assignments I worked with Seattle on that are so purposefully stupid I laughed my head off re-reading them and I'm bringing them to school tomorrow, like those thank-you cards, because if you don't know if you can share your future, at least you can share the past.

And I say thank you.

Monday, April 22, 2013

Talking to the Moon

My sister and I got into a fight. We were at a park, and I grabbed the keys and headed home ahead of my family, and ended up talking to myself/this one guy that I always end up talking to when I'm alone. Only I haven't done it for more than a year, I'm pretty sure.

"Dear You," I'll start, only I won't say you. And I was walking fast up the hill but my words came out clear. "I haven't talked to you like this in forever. Can you blame me? It's a little crazy ... I know you'll never hear me, but sometimes you're the only one I can talk to."
'Cause of course he's the one whose house I try and fly to everytime I get the chance in a dream. And you can't blame me, because these aren't the times I'm really conscious. And I suddenly start talking about home, and how his is probably the one he comes to every night and comes from every morning, but mine moves around with people and one of them is him. 

I know you're somewhere out there
Somewhere far away
I want you back, I want you back

I was still kind of talking to him by the time I got to the stop sign. After the stop sign comes the church, by which is flat sidewalk ... but then it gets crazy uphill before turning to my house. I started running at the stop sign. I'm not sure why. Maybe I was running away from something, maybe I was running towards something, maybe it was home.

I passed a group of people in the grass and since I was wearing flip-flops I sounded all loud so I moved onto the grass but they still sort of stared at me but I just kept running. 

My neighbors think I'm crazy
But they don't understand
You're all I had, you're all I had

"I used to cry myself to sleep every night thinking about you."

But then Georgie called me and we talked about the meteor shower, and it's funny because today is her birthday so it's just super special that the shower peaks then. So we planned to get up early and call each other and just talk and look at the stars.

At night when the stars light up my room
I sit by myself talking to the moon
Trying to get to you

I started thinking about the Bruno Mars song Talking to the Moon when I woke up early and stared out my window. I've never done that, you know, stare at the moon and wonder who else is sharing the moment. But sometimes I wonder how it is that I can live in the same city as somebody yet miss them so much.

In hopes you're on the other side talking to me too
Or am I a fool who sits alone
Talking to the moon?

But you know, sometimes there are people you need more. People you don't need to miss because they're gonna be right there next to you and make everything all right, spiritually if not physically. And when we're talking on the phone it feels so easy and it's great not to pretend. 
So I stop all my melancholy thoughts and I call Georgie, thinking that even if there aren't stars we'll be okay just talking together.

I'm feeling like I'm famous
The talk of the town
They say I've gone mad, yeah
But they don't know what I know
'Cause when the sun goes down
Someone's talking back
Yeah, they're talking back

She picks up before the first ring finishes, and everything is much better than okay, and the moon is beautiful.

Saturday, April 20, 2013

It's Not All Wrong Anymore

It's interesting how you expect something and get something the complete opposite.

I have a habit of being depressed at parties. There were 3.5 depressed ones before I learned how to have fun again, but then after 1.5 amazing ones there were 2 depressing ones ... then the fun one from last week ... but yesterday was Georgie's.

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to be depressed at my best friend's birthday party {or mine} but things like that just happen. This week has been one of my worst all year, and that's kind of saying something. It wasn't just boy problems like it was last year. It wasn't just girl friend problems like most of this year. It wasn't just school problems. It was all three ... and let's just say I've had a TON of fun. *sarcasm*

So last night I wasn't too excited when I got to Georgie's. Her cousin was there and since I was first to arrive {I bothered my parents to drive me early because I'm always late to Georgie's house} we bopped balloons around and it was fun, but then after Nash and Danica showed up, I started clamming up. The movie started and I'd make funny remarks and Nash would smile a little, but Danica wouldn't react when I talked to her or replied to something she aimed at Nash.

So I sat all alone on my chair thinking I deserve this. And I had one of my favorite songs stuck in my head and my brain repeated this one phrase over and over again:


and I could feel the tears starting. I'd had some fun at places like these, but one thing I knew about this party was that I was going to go home and pretend it had been fun to my parents and bury my face in my pillow and cry.

But then Danica came to my rescue and she poked my sock and wouldn't give up and unknotted my hair and laughed at me and put her chin on my shoulder and said she was my conscience.

And you know, sometimes it takes your best friend having a peppermint contest with you to fix things. Sometimes it's yourself. It's all in your mind.

But sometimes you have to let your knight come in and save you and then Danica hugs me and whispers "I hope you're OK," and I say "I'm OK," because maybe I am now, and maybe I'll get better, but you gotta start from somewhere.

Thursday, April 18, 2013

Let Me Make This Clear

I am not depressed.

It's funny, because technically I should be. There are so many things going wrong with my life, and people walking out of it and slamming the door behind them. But somehow I'm not. It's weird that life works that way, and instead of me wanting to just stop, I want to move on out of this dreary place, but I want to make things right instead of making them worse.

Not that I'm doing much of that.

But still, it's funny how I have no reason to be depressed and I am, and now I have every reason to be and I'm not, but maybe it's because there's so much anger filling me that there's not exactly room for blue.

It's all anger towards me. Just look at the inside of my cheek. I've been biting it off and on for the past week, and I just can't stop no matter how much I want to or try to. It's going to start bleeding soon, but for now it's a lump. And there's a scab on my leg because I scratched it in my dream-world last night, along with the palm of my left hand, which I scratch when I'm nervous but apparently also scratch in traumatic sleep.

So there's physical scars as well as mental ones.

I don't think I've ever had an argument (that wasn't a silly non-argument) with Georgie. Or Danica. Or a million other people that are currently making me burst into words like Sorry or no words at all, because they take every opportunity to leave. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I just want somebody to tell me how to fix it.

Because no matter how much people enjoy hating on others, it's not fun being the person people don't like. For the past few months I've been watching my friends dislike one of our group, but now I realize she's not bad. And now I'm going to break down crying because I'm not strong like she was.

Hey, I'm sorry for the millionth time but never the last. I'm sorry for the person I see in the mirror, but I'm sorry that I can't change if I don't know what to change. 

And people may say I've always been this way, but who likes having their mouth fill with blood? I don't.

But I know I just have to do something about this.

Like how this morning I woke up with a stomachache like I haven't had since the week from sixth grade when I got them daily. I was curled up in my bed kicking my blankets and mentally screaming (not really screaming or I would wake family) and wishing I could just stop so the pain would, too. 

But something inside me decided that I wasn't going to let it stop me. So I stood despite the pain and went about life like I normally did, and soon enough it was gone in time for breakfast.

I guess there's a lesson you learn from everything, which is what I explained to my little sister yesterday when she got in trouble for spilling nail polish all over and basically ripping her nails off (don't worry it's not as gruesome as you may think). 

"Even I learn lessons sometimes," I told her yesterday.

It's true.

So I just don't know what I'm supposed to learn from this, or how to fix it, but I ... I'm going to try.

Danica gave me cards for my birthday with things about me. Currently I'm wondering if any of them are true. Yesterday I decided for kicks and giggles that I'd flip it open to look at one.

This is what it said:


We'll see.

Life Is Definitely Not Fair

There are many things I don't deserve.

Like sitting here in the quiet of the library, one of my favorite places because it allows me to be alone with my own thoughts ... and to pick out books. And who doesn't love either of those? ... I guess. Being alone with your own thoughts is like trying to fall asleep, and lately it's not exactly fun to do that.

'Cause you know, that first sentence is true. Especially today, there are plenty of things that I do not deserve.

Like at the school library just about half an hour ago, when Orqua and I sat on the floor smelling books and laughing our heads off and getting stared at by some creepy guy (long laugh story).
Like how Seattle and I were talking this morning. Talking a lot. And I'd call his name during English to make some remark about his favorite books, and he'd walk next to me down the  hallway just us two, and he'd talk with me while the rest of the people were gathered by the lockers also. 

But I guess I deserved it afterschool at a NJHS meeting when he caught my eye and walked right out the door to the bus when he said he'd be there.

I guess I deserved it when people would just look at me, because I finally understand why.

I'm me.

And I am not a perfect person. In fact, I'm probably the furthest from perfect you could get. And I could come up with a million excuses or reasons to blame other people, but I know the fault is mine. Because I've been so wrapped up in my own ... stuff. I forget to pay attention to others, and then blame them for not paying attention me. 

So to everybody out there, I'm sorry I'm such a blob of annoying stupid me. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, and I'm sorry that my sorry letters make you look at me with tears in your eyes, because I just want a way to fix this when I can't.

Wednesday, April 17, 2013

Or Am I?

Today hurt like how Kyle and I talked about not having nerves and not knowing about the knife until it's there.

But I've sure been looking down, so of course I know.

Seattle talks to me in the morning but I'm sure it's only just to have something to say.

Clocks comes on Pandora. 

Lights go out and I can't be saved
Tides I tried to swim against

It starts at the beginning and end of the school day. Yesterday on the phone Georgie said she'd turn up the volume because I sounded quiet, but I  s quiet on purpose because I didn't know what was going on, I've been so lost ...

Have brought me down upon my knees
Oh I beg I beg and plead ...
I just want to find a place to be. That's pretty much all I ever ask of life, just to ... that one word I wrote on a card in math yesterday, digging my pen deep into the fibers of the index card. Belong.

Trouble that can't be named

I don't know what's wrong with me. All of a sudden I'm a jerk to everybody and they're all staring at me like they just stopped talking about me behind my back and I think I know what they're saying but I can't just walk away because they're all I've got.

Come out upon my sees
Cursed missed opportunities

Seattle is laughing because of something I said in sign language to him. Danica is smiling at me. Georgie sticks out her tongue in reply to something I do in History across from the room. But nothing feels right, and I know ...

Am I a part of the cure
Or Am I a part of the disease? 

I'm part of the disease, something wrong that's taken over me and spreads into everyone else and if only they'd root me out which they will--

Home, where I wanted to go

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

When I'm Gone

I guess there are some magical things that can never be explained. Like how whenever I think about one of my friends and wonder if she's replied to our email conversation, I get on gmail and it's in my inbox. Or how how your day starts gives off a sign to how the whole thing will turn out.

The first thing I did was hold up my blanket so I wouldn't be seen. Then I laid my head against the wood of my bunkbed even though it was kind of hurt, and told myself I had a few more seconds before I had to get up. Then I started doubting whether I'd been woken up at all, but eventually crawled up and woke.

I feel like I can't face the world.

Today has been another blah day, I guess. The highlight of it was during PE when we ran/walked for 15 minutes, but even that wasn't a highlight, because I was so sore and tired I couldn't even enjoy the soccer we played afterwards.

So I was all bleary as I went to lunch. I got school lunch for the first time in forever, and it was probably my favorite kind, too. The kind that comes with a fortune cookie, and as I sat unwrapping it I was almost, almost happy, 'cause I love giving and getting gifts, you know? Especially fortunes, although mine are always stupid. And the aftermath of the rain felt nice against my skin when Georgie and I walked outside, which was nice.

But I unwrapped it thinking about the past and how I used to joke about stupid fortunes with the guy I liked, which is so far away it practically hurts, 'cause I can't commit myself to anything anymore. To running. To books. To writing. To crushes. To singing, to smiling, to breathing, to walking. 

To perseverance.

\'Cause normally I manage to find a way to hold on and hope on and go on. To stay strong, blah-dy blah-dy blah.

My fortune? *digs it out of pocket where it's lain forgotten*


And you know, that made my day ... worse. Which made me feel worse. Which made me want to cry when I noticed that Georgie had left without me noticing, which is exactly the thing I hate when it happens to me. 

"I hate it when people walk by and see you and don't open the door," Georgie said.

Today during lunch, I kind of freaked out. I couldn't find Georgie, was too tired to play soccer, nobody was at the lunch place after I left, I was just wandering and wandering away and it wasn't like yesterday when Souri was there to come talk to me and walk with me. I felt lonely.

But then I went into the Science hall and found Georgie and Vanessa, but they were working on their Science project and I'd come sit next to them and I'd just be an extra wheel and so I would walk away again but be drawn there because they were the only friendly people around. But I felt lonelier than ever, so I left early to math singing.

I've got my ticket for the long way 'round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains it's got rivers it's got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're not gonna miss me when I'm gone
You won't notice I'm not there when I'll miss you everywhere
Yeah you're not gonna miss me when I'm gone ...

Monday, April 15, 2013

Don't Look Back

Georgie and I pass around a notebook and in it is a mood graph. There are all these little circle faces with mood labels and lines connecting them, and we make a dot on a line wherever we are at a certain time. So like if I was sort of happy, I'd put the dot on the line in between happy and neutral, say, and if I was depressed, it would probably be at the intersection of lonely, nostalgic and sad. 

My point is that moods mix up a lot, especially in one day. Things are never clean-cut in life, and sometimes you have to draw the fine lines yourself.

Like today, for example.

As I wrote in my journal during second period, it was a blah day, because it had been so far. The only interesting thing was that Georgie taught me the cup stuff that goes along with When I'm Gone. Oh yeah, and then during French I freaked out and got all shy and nervous during my final and stuttered a lot and forgot all my French preparations. But luckily for me, I had practiced a bit and am okay with puzzling out things.

During lunch though, everything kind of dipped. I went up to the lunch place and found that Georgie was busy talking with Nash. I turned to Vanessa, but she was overly cheerful as she criticized my cup-tapping skills and showed off hers. Then Blaund came to tap cups with her, and I walked away singing to myself:

When I'm gone, when I'm gooooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my hair, you're gonna miss me everywhere
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I didn't know where I was going. Nobody followed me. I dumped my backpack in the Science building when Souri caught up with me. "Hey," she said.

We wandered, and I sang internally

When I'm gone, when I'm goooone ...
You're gonna miss me when I'm gone
You're gonna miss me by my walk, you're gonna miss me by my talk
Oh, you're gonna miss me when I'm gone

I remember how Souri used to be really annoying. I mean, she's always been quiet and shy and kind, but she used to be super stubborn and wouldn't take your way, and the annoying thing is that she'd be smiling the whole time. I've always envied her ability to always be smiling, but it bugged me that she always did her own stuff, too. 

But now, Souri is kind and sweet and all the good things. She's lost that stubborn streak, although she will speak up for things she really believes in. So thinking about the old Souri, I realize I can't judge her on that, just like I hope people don't judge me on the weirdo I was that I sometimes am now. 

Don't look back.

And in Science, finding rhymes for a skit with Danica and Nash, I had the most fun in Science than I have had in a long while. So I was smiling even though I was kinda hungry and stuff ... you know. And then in my dance class, I was the one my teacher chose to stand up first and be all strong-like walking slowly forward. I had good fun in places I didn't expect it, and somehow the morning's blah faded away.

Don't look back.

Sunday, April 14, 2013


So this is my hundredth post of this blog, and it makes me think that wow, this place has grown on me. Sometimes I think I write too much or too little and sometimes I wonder if I should delete this thing. But more often than not I re-read things or add things and generally am proud.

So here's a nice reference list of the past posts:
  1. I am in a hot tub at night.
  2. I get very sweaty yet smile at the same time. Weird, huh!
  3. Fortune and I have a giant argument about buckets.
  4. I wish I was sunburnt but glow even though I'm not.
  5. I wear brown boots and get praised by my French teacher.
  6. I'm sad even though it's raining.
  7. Vanessa becomes okay.
  8. Am I too loud?
  9. I learn to hold myself back.
  10. I hang out with Georgie
  11. I learn that you just have to be patient.
  12. What did I accomplish?
  13. I find some periwinkles.
  14. I dance my heart out. Well, not really. Close enough.
  15. I stand on a chair yelling at people, and find I enjoy it.
  16. Good things happen to those who wait.
  17. Thank you to all you seventh graders.
  18. Things go wrong ...
  19. I paint camouflage and spend plenty of hours with friends.
  20. I climb up a rock wall alone.
  21. I scream. While eating ice cream. Which is rather difficult, may I just establish.
  22. No matter how much you want to trust somebody ... be careful there.
  23. I am all frustrated
  24. Surprise!!!!
  25. Things are nostalgic yet good.
  26. I have an Uno Fight with Liberty, and plan surprises.
  27. Dang you, copy machine.
  28. I'm so happy. Thanks, Georgie.
  29. Bleh.
  30. I am stuck being me.
  31. I get stuck in a storm or two.
  32. I can let things go ... finally, eh?
  33. I love my friends!
  34. I am busy.
  35. I get really really thirsty.
  36. It's a good day.
  37. Rain, finally!!!!
  38. Georgie is my best friend.
  39. Greg Laswell.
  40. I blush mentally.
  41. Lawnmowers bug me.
  42. People yell.
  43. I am wearing lime green!!!!
  44. Somebody told me I was not what I wanted to be.
  45. I can't find my fingers!
  46. I accidentally fell into love again. Whoops. Ouch.
  47. I am a really artsy person.
  48. I wonder if Seattle likes me.
  49. I love drama.
  50. It is my birthday party. 
  51. I am pleasantly surprised while I turn 14.
  52. I run a mile.
  53. Whoops, this one is actually not a published post but a draft. Heh.
  54. Fortune can't see the light.
  55. I find Owl City coincidences that make me smile. Oh, and it's Valentine's Day.
  56. Not much happens.
  57. I talk about boys.
  58. Kyle is depressed.
  59. I change my attitude.
  60. I quote Britt Nicole's Gold.
  61. I lie on the floor of Danica's closet.
  62. I go to Danica's house which immediately feels like home.
  63. I am even more depressed-like in the middle of somewhat happiness.
  64. I am optimistic.
  65. My friends cheer me up. 
  66. I wear blue ribbon.
  67. Someone dies.
  68. Meet my crush.
  69. Meet is my best friend.
  70. I hope I will be remembered.
  71. I rant about old friends.
  72. I have projects.
  73. Finding happiness in vegetables.
  74. Somehow, I have disappeared.
  75. I sled in the dark.
  76. I cheer Orqua up.
  77. I find deep meaning in clothing.
  78. My favorite letter makes me happy.
  79. Parts of me begin to disappear. :-O
  80. I'm not hungry.
  81. I think of good things.
  82. I accidentally write a sad post.
  83. I miss people.
  84. Ugh, here is an assembly.
  85. I think about me.
  86. I don't care about losing.
  87. I have deep thoughts about friends.
  88. I speed away but slow down and have some actual fun.
  89. I taste the sky and feel alive again.
  90. I lead my team to non-victory victory and realize I matter.
  91. I get really mad at the snow. 
  92. I play around in the snow.
  93. I don't go to Blaund's birthday party.
  94. People are too contained and too loose.
  95. I hate it when people yell.
  96. When I was a young ... not warthog. I reminisce about the lovely times when I was a little kid running free.
  97. I get all depressed-like.
  98. I feel sort of awkward.
  99. I take off ...