Tuesday, April 16, 2013

When I'm Gone

I guess there are some magical things that can never be explained. Like how whenever I think about one of my friends and wonder if she's replied to our email conversation, I get on gmail and it's in my inbox. Or how how your day starts gives off a sign to how the whole thing will turn out.

The first thing I did was hold up my blanket so I wouldn't be seen. Then I laid my head against the wood of my bunkbed even though it was kind of hurt, and told myself I had a few more seconds before I had to get up. Then I started doubting whether I'd been woken up at all, but eventually crawled up and woke.

I feel like I can't face the world.

Today has been another blah day, I guess. The highlight of it was during PE when we ran/walked for 15 minutes, but even that wasn't a highlight, because I was so sore and tired I couldn't even enjoy the soccer we played afterwards.

So I was all bleary as I went to lunch. I got school lunch for the first time in forever, and it was probably my favorite kind, too. The kind that comes with a fortune cookie, and as I sat unwrapping it I was almost, almost happy, 'cause I love giving and getting gifts, you know? Especially fortunes, although mine are always stupid. And the aftermath of the rain felt nice against my skin when Georgie and I walked outside, which was nice.

But I unwrapped it thinking about the past and how I used to joke about stupid fortunes with the guy I liked, which is so far away it practically hurts, 'cause I can't commit myself to anything anymore. To running. To books. To writing. To crushes. To singing, to smiling, to breathing, to walking. 

To perseverance.

\'Cause normally I manage to find a way to hold on and hope on and go on. To stay strong, blah-dy blah-dy blah.

My fortune? *digs it out of pocket where it's lain forgotten*


And you know, that made my day ... worse. Which made me feel worse. Which made me want to cry when I noticed that Georgie had left without me noticing, which is exactly the thing I hate when it happens to me. 

"I hate it when people walk by and see you and don't open the door," Georgie said.

Today during lunch, I kind of freaked out. I couldn't find Georgie, was too tired to play soccer, nobody was at the lunch place after I left, I was just wandering and wandering away and it wasn't like yesterday when Souri was there to come talk to me and walk with me. I felt lonely.

But then I went into the Science hall and found Georgie and Vanessa, but they were working on their Science project and I'd come sit next to them and I'd just be an extra wheel and so I would walk away again but be drawn there because they were the only friendly people around. But I felt lonelier than ever, so I left early to math singing.

I've got my ticket for the long way 'round
The one with the prettiest of views
It's got mountains it's got rivers it's got sights to give you shivers
But it sure would be prettier with you

When I'm gone
When I'm gone
You're not gonna miss me when I'm gone
You won't notice I'm not there when I'll miss you everywhere
Yeah you're not gonna miss me when I'm gone ...

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