Thursday, April 18, 2013

Life Is Definitely Not Fair

There are many things I don't deserve.

Like sitting here in the quiet of the library, one of my favorite places because it allows me to be alone with my own thoughts ... and to pick out books. And who doesn't love either of those? ... I guess. Being alone with your own thoughts is like trying to fall asleep, and lately it's not exactly fun to do that.

'Cause you know, that first sentence is true. Especially today, there are plenty of things that I do not deserve.

Like at the school library just about half an hour ago, when Orqua and I sat on the floor smelling books and laughing our heads off and getting stared at by some creepy guy (long laugh story).
Like how Seattle and I were talking this morning. Talking a lot. And I'd call his name during English to make some remark about his favorite books, and he'd walk next to me down the  hallway just us two, and he'd talk with me while the rest of the people were gathered by the lockers also. 

But I guess I deserved it afterschool at a NJHS meeting when he caught my eye and walked right out the door to the bus when he said he'd be there.

I guess I deserved it when people would just look at me, because I finally understand why.

I'm me.

And I am not a perfect person. In fact, I'm probably the furthest from perfect you could get. And I could come up with a million excuses or reasons to blame other people, but I know the fault is mine. Because I've been so wrapped up in my own ... stuff. I forget to pay attention to others, and then blame them for not paying attention me. 

So to everybody out there, I'm sorry I'm such a blob of annoying stupid me. I'm sorry I'm so selfish, and I'm sorry that my sorry letters make you look at me with tears in your eyes, because I just want a way to fix this when I can't.

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