Monday, April 29, 2013

The Question of Me

What's funny is that I haven't even noticed the depression creeping back in.

Oh? You thought I got rid of it, after that bout in January? So did I. But it turns out that some things don't stay long term no matter how much you wish they will.

This morning was nice. It was beautiful outside. I talked to Seattle. I'm wearing one of my favorite shirts and my hair isn't as annoying as I complain. 

But I woke up from troubled dreams. I missed a bus. I yelled at people. I got stares that I don't see in real life anymore because I'm too busy looking down.

And there are just those fleeting instants where I think I'm all right but then remember that I'm all wrong instead.

Just one change of direction can take you to the wrongest place ever.

Like when Georgie tries to chase me down at lunch but gives up because I run away as fast as I can and she doesn't know where, but the funny thing is how I'm not running from her, I'm running from something I don't know yet, and when I lean against a tree after running I feel lonelier than ever and wonder why there was this desperate feeling of needing to get away when Georgie is what I want, what I need, but every time I'm around her I just want to go away because she doesn't deserve to have a best friend like me, if I'm a friend at all.

I can't smile anymore, and I'm not just making me cry, and Danica's eyes are welling up and she's turned away and after science she drags me to a tree and pulls me into this hug and I cry and she says it's going to be all right I promise and I think no, no, it's not

it's me
we're talking about
and I'm not really
am I?

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