Monday, February 11, 2013

Lonely Again, but Pretending Not To Be

This morning was FABULOUS.

I was wearing the yellow shirt that makes me happy, plus pants that make me happy, plus shoes that make me happy, plus I was happy. Clothes mean a lot to me. Go vanity! {But seriously, whenever I don't have to worry about my clothes, life is easier. Try it. Unless you're a guy. Don't be weird.}

So I got on the bus, and then Liberty did too, and he was wearing his satchel of Liberty that Georgie and I took great pains to create for his birthday. He was sitting a couple of seats away which meant I couldn't talk to him one-on-one, but when he sat down I caught his eye and smiled really wide. Which meant, Hey, thanks for not thinking it was ugly or weird or you know, and I wonder if the red fabric paint still looks pink.

I didn't get to check. But it made me smile, and even though the boys took over the conversation and I just sat around like what the heck are you talking about, I kept catching Liberty's eye and smiling. It's nice when someone knows you're watching them and smiles back. Woo!
Then I went to school, and classes, and I had fun in band with my fellow flautists. {Is that how you spell it? Floutists? Flutists? Um.} ANYWAYS, English came and went where Seattle sat right behind me and talked and joked with me when we were having that weird recorded country voice telling us Tom Sawyer. During PE I paired up with Sparrow, which was much better than realizing that nobody wanted to be pair up with me. I like taking matters into my own hands ...

But I couldn't do much about that at lunch, when I sat with friends and among friends and screamed at Blaund because He is Back. But then, friends and friends left and I was suddenly

It felt super awkward and lonely and I just sat there wondering what to do. I took out the gum that August gave me for Christmas. It is special gum, which means I can only take it out for super special occasions and I have to write the date and reason. I know, I know. OCD.

So I wrote the date and then I wrote

Lonely again, but pretending to be happy. 

Which was just depressing, so I left against my wishes to go hide and cry by myself to go to the room where everybody was going to be, because our old English teacher was putting on Lord of the Rings. I didn't see the point of going there if it was just going to be stupid and lonely like it always was.

Which, of course, was just my good luck that today was the one day the English teacher didn't put on Lord of the Rings, and my friends had disappeared to who-know's-where. Like when Danica and Hobbs passed me in the hallway at lunch when I was wandering around looking for people, yet they didn't say hi to me even though Hobbs caught my eye. But who can blame them? I've been untouchable lately and kind of dangerous. Who knows how I might explode? Just because I've changed my attitude doesn't mean they did.

And that's the reason why I stayed behind with my clarinet sort-of-friend and cut out hearts because she was heart-attacking someone's locker. She didn't ask me to. I wasn't obliged to.

But like I said, I changed my attitude. 

If I put on a happy mask for too long, it might just melt into the real me.


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