Friday, February 15, 2013


There's a phrase that goes like this: I woke up on the right side of the bed. Well, I certainly didn't fall off of my bed this morning, but I did wake up on the wrong side. I was still feeling depressed and lonely and hopeless and horrible. So I spent that morning planning that I was going to tell somebody about the pit of darkness inside of me, so at least someone would know.

But then I did my day. I'll tell it to you backwards, because I think it was the first thing that sent me sailing instead of drowning, and best for last.

I took a test in math today. Normal people don't like this, but there's something comforting about just sitting down and answering questions. That's why I liked my history test so much yesterday, because there are straightforward answers, unlike life.

During lunch, Georgie was with me the whole time, which hasn't happened lately. We sat and talked by the lunch place for a while, but then we got up and wandered around, settling on a bench by our old Graphics classroom. I got out a folder and paper and a pen and we started writing a list of things we want to do before school lets out, like sing every song off of the album Red on the bleachers {my idea}. Or paint a poster and our clothes. Or take me on the new front runner train thing I haven't been on yet.

In PE, we played speedminton. This is a version of badminton that ... somehow, I'm not too shabby at. The best thing was how I played with Danica and we kept yelling at each other trying to get the other person to win. We completely disagreed on points, no matter what really happened, and purposefully gave one another points. It ended when we both hit the birdies into the nets.

It was funny then, and it still brings a smile to my face now. I'm like a birdie, flying so high but getting stuck in a net. But somehow, people free me. Thankfully.

In English, I sat in front of Seattle. Which I love doing. And before English, I raced Liberty there, which I haven't done in a while. I'm always trying to beat him to things {lunch, English} and it's so cool that I win sometimes, especially tearing down the English hallway through the crowds of high schoolers who give us looks I don't care about in the moments I'm sprinting. He comes from a running family and he's really tall and thin and his backpack is SO much lighter than mine and he isn't carrying a flute, but somehow it doesn't even seem like he's letting me win. And I'm breathless and shaking all through English, but I like it.

And on the bus, Liberty and Fortune were talking to me. Or not really talking to me. I was staring out the window, because I started today sad. But then Fortune asked why everybody was staring at the window and Liberty and I secretly decided that we were looking at something. We didn't know what it was when we started Fortune on looking for it. 

"It's lower," "It's to the right," "Nope," we said every time he'd ask something like "Is it the mountains?" "Is it the sidewalk?"

I'd be laughing and whenever his head was looking out the window me and Liberty would share a glance and he would shrug and I would too 'cause we didn't know what we were looking at. But I realized something as I told Fortune that the sun hadn't come up yet, and I turned to Liberty and finger-spelled what we'd been looking at. What I'd been looking at, without knowing it until now. What I felt inside me at that moment, bursting like ... life.


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