Sunday, January 20, 2013

Best Friends in Blue

How many times will you let me change my mind and turn around?
I can't decide if I'll let you save my life or if I'll drown. ...

My best friend, Georgie, did everything together even before it was official. Last year somehow we ended up talking and walking after lunch almost every single day. I didn't realize how important she is to me until around this year. We've been hanging out much more, and there's such a structure of inside jokes around us that even in a crowd we're in our own separate world.

I love spending time with Georgie. She's so cheerful. I know she isn't sometimes, but I've never seen her that way and she the same, because with each other it's like we're lights in each other's worlds. We're not so carefree when we're apart, but she makes me see the good in the world.

Oh, I remember you driving to my house in the middle of the night
I'm the one who makes you laugh when you know you're 'bout to cry
I know your favorite songs and you tell me 'bout your dreams. ...

We even started off this year together with my first ever sleepover. It was a great event. We laughed and got really hyper off of peppermints, which we both love, and we stayed up all night to watch the ball drop in New York.

And I know that even if one day one of us brings the sadness into our time together, us best friends will be able to cope with it. We've been through quite a bit, actually, but it's always been as friends. I can't even imagine fighting with Georgie.

The thing I'm scared of, of course, isn't fighting. It's letting her down. And I'm afraid I've done so much of that lately that I'm not keeping up the friendship at all. I hate the days at school where I see her for five seconds and a quick hug in the morning and then only at lunch. I hate the thought that next year we'll be at different schools, and the last time that happened with one of my best friends ... ugh. I haven't seen her in around a year, or had any contact with her at all. One of the things I hate most is losing people.

One of the things I hate more than that is losing people who are still there. If that makes sense.

At lunch on Friday, Georgie and I ran around hiding from our friends. It was hilarious and we were just running together, laughing and wheezing by the lockers and not wanting to leave until the very last bell rang.

But there was a party for Blaund, and it was going to be the first boy's birthday party I'd ever been to. Of course, it wasn't a big deal. Boys and girls alike from the lunch group were customarily all going to be there, and I'd fought for my place with my parents nights before. I was excited because, since I didn't know what to get him, Georgie and I were both pitching in for a box of Krispy Kreme donuts, which Blaund had jokingly said he wanted. I was going to bring wrapping paper to the party. She'd by the donuts, and I contributed money. 

I chose not to go to the party.

It was a quick decision, no matter how long it lingered in my mind. Usually when I make decisions like this I try and persuade myself that what I chose is right {in this case, I was definitely not in the mood for it, like I wasn't in the mood for anything. I knew my friends would be there, but I already dreaded leaving the party. Somehow, I knew I just wasn't going and it wouldn't be good for me to}. But then I always end up regretting it.

Now, I don't regret not going to the party, where I'd have sat there trying to be happy but suffering from the internal symptoms of Happy? Not Today Please. 

What I do regret is letting Georgie down.

I hope Blaund enjoyed his donuts.

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