Tuesday, January 29, 2013

I Am Blind After All

I've been so depressed lately it's not even funny. But I found out today that it basically is funny.

I was fooling everybody. I looked normal on the outside and maybe I didn't smile or move around as excitedly as before, nobody judges how obnoxious you are that day as long as you're obnoxious. Sometimes people don't see what's right in front of their eyes, like when their friends are depressed.

Sometimes people don't see what's right in front of their eyes, like when THEY are depressed.

That's what I learned today, when Orqua struck up a chat on Gmail with me. 

"hi," she said, with no capital or exclamation point and I didn't raise an eyebrow.

I asked her how she was after she asked me and she said okay and I told her to elaborate {fancy schmancy word, it's because of the spelling bee I got 3rd place in today [I always get 3rd place] so yeah}. She told me she was going through some problems and she said she had to ask me a question.

"Yup?" I said.

"Does everybody in our group think I'm weird and ... stupid?"

This is where I started to realize that depressed people are even blinder with me and my glasses and tendency to squint even with them 'cause I've had them for three years straight now.

I couldn't stress the point far enough. I don't need to refer back to the chat to know what I said.

ORQUA. You are an amazing friend. How could you even think we thought you were weird and stupid? You're the least of those in all of us. We love you because you love us no matter how weird and stupid we are, and you're our solid rock in this world of chaos that swallows people up. YOU ARE AMAZING AND BEAUTIFUL AND SMART AND TALENTED AND CREATIVE AND SO, SO SWEET. Stop thinking like that. They love you, I love you, we love you. Now all we need is for you to realize there's no reason why you shouldn't love you.

"Thanks," she said. "It's just like sometimes I feel like I'm the outsider."

More screaming sessions. Orqua, you belong more than all of us. 

"You only sit on the outside," I said to her, "if you choose to." 

And goodness knows, girl, we'd follow you there.


Brooke said...

I can read your blog again!!


I'm glad you're back :) Maybe if I find some time in the next few weeks I'll pop on over and catch up on your posts.

Strawberry Tree said...

Glad you're back too! (: Thanks for reading. I LOVE to share with you guys.