Sunday, January 27, 2013

So Much for Favorites

I heard one of my favorite songs, Carry On by fun., on the radio for the first time. I wasn't aware that it was a radio song. I love that song because I've heard it outside of the radio--I sought it out, which makes it one of my favorites because it didn't get there itself ... I chose it, I guess, but yesterday when I heard it on the radio in the car I said "WHOA! THIS IS LIKE MY FAVORITE SONG! I LOVE THIS SONG! I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HEARING IT ON THE RADIO!" or something along those lines ... I didn't mean it?!

And it was raining today. Raining. It's what I've been hoping for all month now, just some lovely rain to dance in, but I didn't even go outside. I didn't linger by the window for long, I don't know why. I should've smiled, but it never reached my face because it wasn't deep inside me in the first place. Rain is my favorite weather and I should've laughed at the dream come true, but instead I walked away to a windowless room of the house.

I was making a gift for someone everybody thinks I like that I don't anymore, not because of them but because of me. All of the above is because of me. What's going on? Why can't I smile anymore? Why can't I smile when I hear my favorite song on the radio? Why can't I dance in the rain like the brave innocent person I used to be? Why aren't I the person I used to be? Why am I sitting here with a novel open and nothing comes out? Why am I only writing sad songs? Why am I doing nothing because I feel nothing because everything I want amounts to nothing because it's unattainable? 

I'm scared 'cause if I'm letting my favorite things wash away in the rain, maybe I'm letting me, too.

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