Friday, January 18, 2013

Burying Myself

Today hasn't been a very good day.

There are some days like that, when you wake up and you wish you hadn't, because the warmth of your blankets was better than the reality of the cold cold world. It's much better to be half-asleep where your thoughts are numb and away and all you concentrate on is the softness of your lips against the blanket.

Or maybe that's just me, but this week has been all like that.

At least I'm getting some things done. I had a long talk with my mom last night. The saddest thing was that I think yesterday was the day that I talked to her the most. Out of all days in my whole life that I'm conscious of. Isn't that sad? It's very sad. It's extremely sad. Welcome to my life, which today is the kind of rain I can't find the will to dance in.

Which is, of course, terribly wrong. I'm a rain dancer. I've made it out of worse things ... but thinking about it, there haven't been worse things.

Of course, worse things have happened to me. Sad things, bad things, terrible grieving heartbreak warfare things, like the last song I heard on the radio. But I've made it out of those ones okay because I've found a reason to dance. But as I explained in tears to my mom yesterday, the problem with right now isn't a problem, because there aren't any problems. 

The problem is that I see no point.

Usually I have things to look forward to. Actually, I do have things to look forward to. The trouble with this week is that somehow somebody blinded me and everything that normally I'd be happy about is somehow ... not happy to me. I have good books to read, lots of friends to hang out with and no school or social issues at all. What's the problem? I have no idea. All of a sudden it's just I'm stuck and I feel like there's no point going anywhere. There's nothing fun to do.

At least I realized on the bus today when none of my friends got on, that I was a little bit happy, because at that moment I was disappointed. I haven't sunk that low yet, but lately it's been getting hard to tell.

The way the title ties into all of this ... ugh. Right now I'm depressed. Which means that nobody's pushed my happy button, but I think that right now it's in that stuck mode, like on one of the keys in the piano in the school that you can never press down no matter how hard you try. I think that's what's happened to me, and that's why I'm burying myself. My old self, who would be sitting here smiling because there were bright points in her day.

My old self, who'd be going to the birthday party she was invited to and fought so hard for last night, but ... she decided she wasn't going today because she realized that it wasn't going to make her happy either.


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