Thursday, May 2, 2013

When You Try Your Best But Don't Succeed

The title line is from Coldplay's Fix You, which happens to be one of my favorite songs. Just in case, you know, you want to stalk me even more than the info I've already given you. Which would be creepy, but not like there's stuff I HAVEN'T said here.

Anyway, it's basically how I've been feeling lately. Like I'll wait for a reply to the millions of letters I've sent in the past month and get none. Or wish I could talk to Fortune more, only never get to because I don't know why {it's probably me}.

It was like in PE today. You're all probably very familiar with the concept of me using PE to make me happy. First it was with wallyball volleyball, and me and my picking teams of the people who never get picked {except by me, another one of those who never get picked} and having fun no matter how much we lost by {which was a lot}. Then it was bowling and not letting nostalgia take me over. Then it was running far and fast and next to people, and Greni and Reta thanked me for that today after band, too. Which was cool and unexpected, because people usually don't notice what I do, especially lately.

{Unless it's being a jerk.}

So today we played handball, which is majorly confusing and would've been fun if I had not been tired from watching a movie in French yesterday and one in English today {right before PE} and running around some more and generally not having a good start to the day. My team for handball included one of my good friends Venni Laukner and this one quiet girl whom I hardly get a chance to talk to, and Orqua. It's hard to explain handball. Anyway, we were up against Kahler, August, Danica and Hillary, who all happen to be sports pros who beat the crap out of us no matter how hard we tried.

Which was pretty hard, especially near the end. I'm not good at sports, but at least I try! I'm sure everyone else on my team was trying too, but what I hate is when people split groups into their friends the sports pros and leave all the unwanted, last-picked people to fend for themselves. 

Sometimes I feel like all my friends are secretly plotting against me too, like "Let's pretend that everything is okay only we'll secretly glance at each other and say things behind her back because she's so weird." Or, "What a weirdo."

And I was playing soccer today but I ended up walking away again. I seem to do that a lot as of late.

But sometimes you don't really give up. You just go on, and see if someone takes the time to catch up to you {you have to walk slow sometimes}. 

So today I was going on, and even though I felt like crying instead I sat by a tree with Vanessa and we sat next to each other in the sunshine on the grass and just read our own separate books. "I'm sorry I wasn't very exciting," she said when we hugged to leave.

"That's okay. Sometimes I like to just sit and read. You know, get out of this world."

And it's true. I needed that break. Because I actually worked on my math test and got to read some more and then Seattle was talking and laughing with me and making fun at the way I say "Mmmmmmm" when I'm trying to get my hands to high-five Kyle the right way, only he wasn't making fun of me because he sort of blushed and was all like "I wasn't," when I accused him {not that harshly FYI}. And I know he never rides the bus on Thursday afternoons but he was there, and even when he left I felt a little bit better, because he probably knew he'd be picked up too, but he came on the bus to talk just like I did yesterday when I knew I'd be picked up.

So ... there are things like that, and I realize I've kind of been sitting around waiting for something to happen. When maybe I should get up and go someplace where something will.

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