Birth and Rebirth

Easter marks a lot of things.

It's weird how every year, it's around this time that my eyes really open. I see my past, my present, and my future clearer than before. Last year, I started getting this feeling of belonging. I had finally figured out where I was, who I was, and who I was going to be. This year, I see all that I am, all that I've done, and all that I can and want to do. 

It's nice when you come to a corner or a door, because sometimes you don't know where you're going. It's like that one funny line from Inception that Mal likes to scream over and over again {and I quote just as much}. But no matter how much I love to laugh at it, it's true:

You're waiting for a train; a train that will take you far away. You know where you hope it will take you, but you can't know for sure.

That's how I've started feeling around spring break and Easter--that I'm turning a corner, facing a door. You can look back all you want because that's going to stay, but it's not going to make you any more sure where you're going. I always know what I want to get out of life at this point, and I've already gotten some of it. It's like the final stretch of the mountain, when you're already at the lower peak thinking the view's nice enough. Should you go further and risk the fall?


I'm just so happy this time around. Last year it was a feeling of relief 'cause I'd finally found my place, but it was tainted by this fear that nothing was going to be the same after the school year ended. Well, not everything is the same as it was last year, but I think that this year has definitely been one of my happiest years yet {peaceful or no}. I'm so glad things have turned out like this, and I've had a part in this. To think of everything that's happened since last Easter ...

• I learned a lot about the environment ... and frogs.
• I gained a best friend {or, made a best friend. Or, found out that my friend was best}.
• I rode on one of those rocket rides for the first time since I was like, eight. And I didn't puke or turn green or anything. So I rode it again and again. :P
• I watched the past replay in front of my eyes, pretty much.
• I planned two ... wait, three, surprise birthday parties. For not me.
• I went ice skating with friends twice.
• I watched a movie with friends.
• I figured out pretty much everything on my calculator.
• I had my first sleepover.
• I was elected a representative for my grades.
• I got first place in my school for the AMC10, even though I'm not a sophomore.
• I finished my first journal.
• I saw Pen again.
• I participated in Mathcounts.
• I choreographed a dance that went above and beyond my wildest hopes for it.
• I had fun.

So ... this time around, I'm not really scared of what's going to happen, because I know I'll survive it. Sure, maybe they won't be as good as they are now, but I can't be afraid of that. The view is nice from here, but it can get better. And if I do fall, someone'll catch me ... either that, or the view will be pretty dang sweet from there too. 

The First of the Spring

Okay, for as long as I've had Simpark, I've said that my favorite flowers are paintbrushes. {They're actually flowers. Not like the stick things with hair. Ughhh, that reminds me of red and brown paint. And let's not go there.}

Anyway, after today I've realized that my favorite flower is actually the periwinkle. No, it's not just a color. It's this really pretty purplish bluish flower that looks like a star in the middle and is really hard to tape into your journal. And I should know this.

'Cause periwinkles are the kind of flower that has history behind it, and unlike most of the things in my life that have history behind them, this is good history. It reminds me of the early days of my and Georgie's friendship, where we were in a Shakespeare festival and memorized a sonnet and I picked flowers especially early one morning so we could wear them in our braids. They matched our purple skirts, and boy was that fun. 

So as I wrote in my journal today, seeing periwinkles again {I haven't since the festival last year} makes me feel excited to see what spring brings. Or just what springs. :D

Long Live

I said remember this feeling
I passed the pictures around
Of all the years that we stood there
On the side-lines wishing for right now

Can I just say something? It feels like years when you've worked and waited for something and you're finally almost there.

And they read off our names

So somebody went up to the mic and told us to come and do our dance. We had to fix some techincal difficulties, but we were finally, finally there. It made my heart ache with overload of happiness just seeing the 32 people in their perfect formation rectangle, everyone on their starting positions--on their knees, looking down. Even though we looked kind of hopeless in that position, I knew we had more hope than anybody. So I got in my place with the extra two spots up front, the other one occupied by Georgie.

I said remember this moment, in the back of my mind
The time we stood with our shaking hands
You held your head like a hero

The first dance move is when Kyle, in the off-center of the crowd, stands up and looks up. The next move is when everyone else repeats it. And as I stood I looked at the crowds but I didn't see anybody, not really. 

The crowds in the stands went wild
We were the Kings and the Queens
The night you danced like you knew our lives
Would never be the same

I would say I danced my heart out today, but my heart was already in the dance. It was in my blood and bones and flesh and soul, and it was also nice that the crowd clapped out the beat.

Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered

"Living forever is not the goal: it is creating something that will." -Chuch Palaniuk

When they gave us our trophies
And we held them up for our town

We did not win the spirit bowl. But like I've said a million times, we're winners in my heart.

And the cynics were outraged
Screaming "this is absurd"
Cause for a moment a band of thieves
In ripped up jeans got to rule the world

Can I just say ... I felt like I ruled the world? 'Cause dancing there ... it was me against the world like it's felt all year. But this time I had my best friend at my side and so many wonderful people behind and with me. 

Long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid

Yeah, bring on all the pretenders, the groups whose dances were just weird videos of the Harlem Shake and a bunch of shirtless guys. We fought for this dance. And  I found that in the dance I was no longer afraid, because I know with hope anything survives.

Long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
I was screaming long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered

And we won.

Hold on to spinning around
Confetti falls to the ground
May these memories break our fall

"If you think about it, life is just a moment," said Georgie today. But we both agree that it was the story behind the moment that made it so ... perfect and amazing and perfect around again.

Tell them how the crowds went wild
Tell them how I hope they shine

Today my science teacher said that stars are the origin of all things and they created us and they make us and they fuel us. I think that it's not just the stars you look up and see. Well, I guess you do look up to stars. 'Cause I believe in stars as much as Danica {who really does}. I believe in the stars that I felt today shining bright behind me. I believe in the stars that helped make my moment possible. I believe in the 33 stars who stood beside me today and shone.

Long live the walls we crashed through
I had the time of my life, with you
Long, long live the walls we crashed through
All the kingdom lights shined just for me and you
I was screaming long live all the magic we made
And bring on all the pretenders
I'm not afraid
Singing, long live all the mountains we moved
I had the time of my life fighting dragons with you
And long, long live that look on your face
And bring on all the pretenders
One day, we will be remembered

I Said Remember This Moment

Long Live just came on Pandora, and that is so perfect for what I'm writing about.

There's so much that's been going on today. First in Band, I had super much talking with Greni and my flute mates, and then in English, Mr. Okaae LET US HAVE 15 MINUTES TO DO THE ASSEMBLY DANCE PRACTICE!!!!!! WHICH MEANS WE GOT TO GET OUT OF READING TOM SAWYER!!!!!*

*The most boring book ever. Sorry, Mark Twain. You're better at quotes.

Then I survived Math without getting bored at all {and actually had fun in Bowling, where crazy Vanessa got 4 strikes in a row}. 

Then afterschool. The place I'd been dreading.

See, we've been planning this afterschool meeting for a while, but Vanessa forgot to get the notice out, so hardly anybody knew. Everybody kept telling me and Georgie things like "You know, nobody's going to show up there."

But today Kyle said that to me and I said back "That's just because you won't be there." 

Today I've been so brave in getting things for this dance. I'm not afraid to speak out for its cause anymore. 


Especially after what happened.

So there I went afterschool, not sure what would happen because, you know, everybody kept telling me we'd fail, and there weren't that many people who showed up to lunch meetings. But there were 36 or more of us, and quickly I realized that we had enough. And as I stood there on a chair watching people and yelling the counts, I felt so blessed. 

'Cause I finally realize what I should've: that not only hoping this much, but caring and working towards it, has made it impossible to fail. As I've said to Georgie over and over again, even if this dance is a little blip on the map, it means a lot to me. I went full-out. It's like my child, sort of. And I'm ... just so proud.

I was so proud when I saw at least 32 people who care as much as me. I was so proud when my sore throated voice did not give in and I managed to yell above the crowd. 

Today after Bowling I was a little worried, but I walked with Georgie. We sang Taylor Swift songs. I started, but then she led to Red. I figured that wasn't our mindset so I switched to Begin Again. Then we went to the bathroom with great acoustics and sang Starlight. But the one song we went all the way through was Change.

Tonight we'll stand and get off our knees
To fight for what we've worked for all these years
And the battle was long it's the fight of our lives
Will we stand as champions tonight?

It was the night things changed
Can you see it now?
Those walls that they put up to hold us back will fall down
It's a revolution, throw your hands up 'cause we never gave in
We'll sing hallelujah, we'll sing hallelujah, oh ...

Fall Down Seven, Stand Up Eight

Aah, so you see, this assembly dance is probably going to end up frustrating you as much as it does me, but for entirely different reasons.

Not that I'm frustrated with it anymore. Georgie and our long phone calls have helped me to see that ... you know, it's going well. 

It's amazing how much we've been through. I can't believe that the dance crew & I have gone this far. We've had to make the dance, pick a song, teach it to people, find time to teach it to people {not necessarily in that order} and all this JUNK. But ... it's great to know that we're good enough to keep going on and, you know, not give up. And I'm so thankful to Vanessa, Danica, and Nash, my fellow teachers. I'm so thankful towards people like Greni and Reta who believe in the dance enough to be dance it too.

Ugh, I'm so excited. I can't believe that I'm happy today, because lately everything has been so crazy. But today all of my stress has gone away. I've figured out what's going on during freshman year. I've realized that even if it's only me {and Georgie; I know she won't give up either} dancing on Friday ... I'll be happy. I'll still be proud.

And today ... it's been so amazing. It's like a gift from whoever's in charge that I should finally get some time to relax and stop yelling at people with this sore throat of mine {sickness-induced, probably not stress-induced but who knows?}. 

Anyway, today's been such a great day. Like I said before, I can finally sit back and think ... that was fun. Like how I stopped worrying about things every single moment of the day, and I started having fun. I talked with Seattle and had fun with my friends, and, well, got the most out of my day.


Like how Ase is in Seattle right now at a music fest. Well, if I was in Seattle {promise I'm going to Washington someday} I'd sing.

Because I am a mountaineer. I've climbed mountains, if you think about it. And the view from the top is great, but Miley Cyrus was right. It's the climb.

{Although they aren't really mountains where I come from, they're moun'ns.}

The Ones I'd Throw Candy At

By now you are certainly acquainted with the fact that the student representatives and I are making a dance for the upcoming assembly. Well, not just student reps, I guess, but many other people besides. Our teacher/dance in-charge-person group includes Georgie, Danica, Vanessa, Kyle, Nash, and Tangorine.

Anyways, today has basically been all about that. Okay, sure, Seattle invited me to a soccer game {haha, and only me as far as I know} that I don't know if I can make tonight. But still, there's nothing much going on. Especially since with the head fuzziness, dizziness, and sore throat that means I'm sick, I can't focus on anything ... but the very super duper important stuff, and so far for me that's the dance.

Georgie called me when I god home from school and we talked for upwards of an hour about this. I swear, I could rant on forever about this dance, but for now I'm just going to tell you about the top thing I'm frustrated at.

This is people. There used to be more than sixty people who were interested in helping us with this dance. Now there are only about thirty of them, because once we started taking just  two days of their own time, they quit. 

I don't get this. 'Cause, you know, sure, this dance might be embarrassing, and it's CERTAINLY going to be embarrassing the less people we have. But I'm not trying to whine or brag or anything, but me and the dance crew have made it through WAY more obstacles than any of the dance volunteers. And hey, I'm so much better off without them.


I'm just happy that there are at least twenty people who are genuinely interested in helping though they might not get a reward. If I had money I would give them all rewards, but I don't, so I'll figure something out. The thing is, as I used in my crude example to Georgie, it's like we all fell off a boat, and I finally get to see the people who stop swimming just because it's too hard.

Whereas when I dance this dance on Friday, I'm going to have people around me who are fighting against the current because they want to and they chose the hard way. And hey, maybe this dance isn't a big thing, but it's preparing people for life.

Hey readers, not all of you go to my school or even know the real life me ... but ...

If you get the choice to sit it out or dance ... I hope you dance, but what would you do?

Persevering

Lately I've been so ... ugh. So ugh. Yup, that's the way to describe it. You see, there's so much that's going wrong.

• I feel like the only one on my side is Georgie and everybody else is mad at me or hates me
• My parents won't let me dual enroll and I don't know if I want to anymore, but I know I'll hate it sticking to one school. There is no perfect solution
• I'm getting lazy
• I'm not getting anything done, like school stuff or home stuff or writing novels or writing songs or ALL THAT JUNK!!!!

I guess I just need something to do. So yesterday I sat down and wrote all my problems out in my journal {haha, you just got the shortened version here} but then I realized something.

There are some cute lyrics from a Rascal Flatts song:

Why would you leave the stage in the middle of the song?

Okay, not really CUTE, but I mean that in the way that it fits and it's a line to be remembered. I used to hate it when people talked about giving up because that's just what I wanted to do, and it's seriously not that wimpy when you think about it ... but now I do think about it and it is the wimpy way out and it's just so stupid. That is not me.

So haha, Hello Seattle just came on my Pandora station. I love it how things like this happen to me and I realize, like I realized with my journal yesterday, that ...

You can hold on.

I've always prided myself with my stubbornness and refusal to give up, so maybe that's why I felt so lost two months ago when I started to get sad and hopeless. I realize that I felt like I was losing me because I DID lose one of the biggest parts of me.

One of my amazing friends once wrote that I am persevering. And I looked at myself of late and realized that it's not how I've been at all. I've been ... lazy, stupid, mean, obnoxious, jerky {hehe not the beef kind} ... you name it negative and it's been me.

But today I had a new attitude. I don't think anything really happy happened today, but I didn't let the bad things touch me. I was aware enough not to make any mistakes, but I was free enough to fix the ones I've made before. So I think I can apologize my way out of it and get everything to be fixed.

I used to hold on to things like this so tight. My grip's been slackening, but who says you can't start climbing?

And I'm Home

There was something about today that made me feel beautiful. Not like in the physical way ... but in the mental way. Wherever you pinpoint where your feelings come from, I was warm and soft inside, like a baby blanket. And man, are those things soft.

This afternoon from 1 to 5, I was at my school decorating a section of the main hallway for school spirit. It comes from being a representative for my grade, and it was ... really awesome, actually.

I got there and it was snowing, and there was a crowd inside from the basketball game that was going on. I looked around feeling a little lost, but then I saw Georgie! What a great first person, right? We collided and then I saw Kahler and waved at her from her position on top of the stairs. She ran down and we all walked to the hallway to figure out what was going on. We got some paint and went down to the student body office (more like a supply closet actually) to get some poster paper.

Then we set to work. The main hallway was split in half--our grades got the west side of the hallway, most of which was actually trophy cases, which was not cool. Thus, we set to work decorating the columns that were on the hallway too. 

We made three column posters that took a while. Soon afterwards Fortune showed up, which meant that we had more people and thus, more fun. I think we're all neat freaks, but we still had tons of adventures dipping our arms in red paint (except for the one boy, weirdly) and stamping them all over the paper, adding one that rose above the rest carrying a spirit bowl. Then we had one that we painted camouflage all over (I SPELLED THAT RIGHT!!!!!!). 

I love mixing paint. Usually I hate painting because I suck at it, but today it was super fun. First, there was brown and green, which Fortune was surprisingly good at blobbing the brown-green paint in a way that looked like epic camouflage. After we finished that poster came a picture of our school mascot decked out in army-wear (our theme is the armed forces) and ... well, I just can't describe how much fun I had.

It's not like we talked that much, except about whether or not my gray mixing needed more white, or how red and brown is a nasty color combination thanks to August deeming it "bloody poo." But it ... it was just nice to spend four hours with friends working on things I'm going to walk past and feel proud of.

You know how they say home is where your heart lives? (At least they think they do.) Well, today has made me realize that for these past two years, this school and these friends has and have been my home. And no matter where I go after, they're gonna stay that way. :)

"For the First Time ... What's Past is Past"

Me and Georgie have this list of things we want to do before freshman year. One of them is to spontaneously {read: naturally} sing every song on the Red album. Which means one of us starts it without mention and we have to sing the whole thing. So far it's just Stay Stay Stay. 

But lately I've been playing Begin Again over and over again in my head. Not like I'm secure in the crush department as of late, but we're not talking about that.

Today I did the science fair, which means I spent the whole school hours {and more} sitting by my project and talking to people about it. My throat may be sore {hehe, I can run on forever} but it was ... good, strangely.

You probably know by now that I have strange connections to things. The colors blue and brown remind me of Seattle {sometimes yellow too} and I remember what I do in certain shirts {i.e. cry, reminisce, go to Georgie's house}. This goes for places, too.

This science fair is the regional one. It's held in this big glassy building I've only been in three times. The first time was the science fair two years ago, which mostly I spent with Lightning. {Oh you remember him, don't you?}

Anyway, today was weird because I didn't have any really good friends with me, even outside of the room me and my project were in. I'm not good friends with any of the people from my school, even though we're friends. So I wasn't sure who I'd hang out with at lunch.

Strangely, I remembered that special feeling of loneliness. But then I got invited to sit with the girl who was next to me project-wise, and we went around making friends and ended up in a group of five who'd never really met before. We ... actually, we had tons of fun. 

It was just so strange, things happening at the same time. Usually nothing happens whenever I wear the shirt that I cried in {except somebody always manages to take a picture of me}. But today, new things were happening right over the old.

See, I was making all of these friends, but underneath I was freaking out because I kept having flashbacks to everything I'd once done in that building. Hung out with Lightning, and a boy who moved in the middle of the school year last year. They're both out of my life now. This building has never been on my thoughts until now, and there are some things I just remembered today.


Like how two years ago when I came here, Alligator Sky was on the radio. Today it was Brighter than the Sun, but before that was The Middle.

And how they had the rock climbing wall again. That was one of the crazy things, the thing I remember most.

I'm not one for heights and never have been. I always convince myself to try climbing walls even though I start shaking, and always drop off before making it halfway. But there was once that I did make it all the way up ... two years ago. Only ever that once, and it was because Lightning was cheering me on.

So today I tried it, and it wasn't just the chill wind that made me shiver. But I climbed into the harness and climbed and climbed and thought DON'T LOOK DOWN. And my new friend and her dad were cheering me on and I made it to the top.

And I thought on the drive home,

Hey Lightning,
I made it
Up
Without you.
HA!

Ice Cream, I Scream

Do you know what's kind of ironic? When Georgie called me today, I was eating an ice cream cone. I don't know if she could tell this, but it was kind of silly thinking about it now, since we were talking about how teaching the dance totally DID NOT WORK.

Anyway, of course I've told you about this dance: we're doing it for an assembly next week. It's like a spirit thing, so me and the rest of the representatives have to put together a dance for our grades. AKA the seniors & juniors etc. are also doing dances, and since we're the younger group I freak out because I want to not embarrass myself, you know?

So I made this dance, which is simple. In a group, it should look good. I've spent the past two weeks teaching it to the rest of the reps at lunch meetings {five meetings: four spent doing nothing while I tried to teach, and one finally spent being successful}. We made it through several issues already--trying to find a teacher to give us a class period to teach, trying to create the dance. ... Let's just say it's been stressful, in the least.

Thus when Georgie and Kyle came to me with the news that teaching the dance hadn't turned out the way we planned {getting everyone to learn the whole thing}, I was kind of devastated.

But Georgie did call me, as mentioned above, and since I was eating ice cream, maybe it was the sugar-induced high that made me say the things I did. Or maybe it's the fact that I'm reading a book about a girl who got cancer and beat it out with a positive attitude.

So I told Georgie about what she did. She taught the first part of the dance to around thirty obnoxious people. They were here age, and she's a little shorter than most of them, and therefore doesn't command much authority. But look how much she did! All in the space of twenty minutes. Then she got them in rows and columns and organized-like stuff. 

She wasn't too happy over the phone, but I managed to hopefully let her know that we are going to do this dance. It is going to be amazing. 

We've already made it. We have a song and people willing to do it and time to teach it. We just have to teach it. One more hurdle, and go for the gold, and BOY, are we gonna get it.

Eye-Openers

"We are born with our eyes closed and our mouth open, and we spend our whole lives trying to reverse that mistake of nature." -DALE E. TURNER 

This is one of my absolute favorite quotes ever. It brings into what I want to talk about today: trust.

You never know who you can trust. Can you, ever? There's only 99 percents, because you're not someone else. For example, in the case of Georgie, I can trust her with 99% of things {like how she always steals my flute!!!!}, but there's still 1% left that she only determines. {Maybe she'll get brainwashed.}

Today, though, I found out that there are many different trust issues with the world. Take the purple quote to the right, for example. Let's just say that Liberty decided to take the place of one of the class representatives who didn't want to do it anymore. OK, personally Liberty seems really enthusiastic and good to the cause of student representing, especially since he volunteered to take someone's place when they wanted to quit. I even voted for Liberty at the beginning of the year. But every single time I remind Liberty about one of the student rep meetings, he's all enthusiastic and "I'll be there" but then he never is. It bugs the heck out of me, 'cause I think Liberty is awesome, but he keeps showing us up.

Then there are people like Kyle and Georgie, who come to every meeting regardless, and wait there for me even when I can't. I love being able to trust people. Or even the sevvie student rep, who always shows up, took my yelling match yesterday, and then tracked me down in the hallway to tell me that he'd accomplished his job. Which I was proud of.

So there are those little eye-openers, I guess, of when you can really trust people. There are just some things life throws at you to make you realize who's really good and who's really good at looking good but isn't. Or who just plain sucks.

Like this one guy, who used to be really good friends with me, but now he seems to be far away and he's become sort of a jerk. I used to like him because he was really sweet and nice, but now he's gotten really ... egotistical, I guess.

So that's my lesson on trust. Give it freely, but watch your step. 

Yeah, Just a Bit Dramatic

"You eighth graders are being so dramatic today," said one of the seventh-grade student representatives as we were going through our lunch meeting today at lunch. You see, there's a dance we need to do for the assembly and I've been trying to teach it to them during lunch for the past four school days, and let's just say it hasn't been working.

She said that after I finished my yelling match with one of the other sevvies. It was a reasonable yelling match, 'cause I needed him to ask his Science teacher if we could use some of her class period, but he STILL hasn't and I asked him last Wednesday. He's had plenty of time.

And I don't have plenty of time. The assembly is next Friday, and do you know what I've been worried about for the past month?

But then I realized as I walked alone to math and wrote it all out in my journal {haha, poor guy who sits next to me, he's probably freaked out}, I should calm down.

You know how some days just aren't good days? Lately that happens to me, like I'm this taut string and I really hate it when people poke me. Not literally, but emotionally people have just been getting on my case. And I'm like I FREAKING NEED MY CASE!!!!

Anyway, it's still unreasonable. There's no reason for me to act the way I am, because I'm probably scaring off Georgie because I eye-rolled and death-glare'd at her during bowling when I was at the height of my bad mood, and I just couldn't take her cheerful cheering me on every time I finished bowling. Which I suck at. 

But it's a lesson I learn every day. It's funny how they say that your morning makes your day, but lately I find that the afternoon does. Somehow, I always get really grouchy but something finally makes me relax again. Like when Georgie calls me, or when Danica hands me a plastic bag full of bread crusts. Or when I give Merida a bag of tater tots because she loves Napoleon Dynamite. Or, heck, that Literally sent me an email that wasn't started by me {lately he's been drifting away}. 

So ... I guess I'm OK. 

A bit dramatic. But OK.

Giddy and the Good Kind of Screaming

Parties are weird. Some of them are super good, and you spend them eating pizza and flirting  {which wasn't good, but semi-fun I guess}. Or sane things like watching movies and screaming in terror! But some of them are super bad, like being lonely or scraping your leg in a scar that will last for years. 

There's one kind that is almost always the best, though: SURPRISE PARTIES!!!!

This week is my little sister's Vulpa's birthday, and she was talking about how she hasn't had a party since like third grade. It's true, and I LOVE parties. Somehow she's never organized enough to have one, so this Thursday I took things into my own hands, and got a ride to her school to deliver handmade invites. I hope she wasn't suspicious because I think she saw me giving one to one of her friends. 

I gave one to all of the girls in her class, which is who she'd wanted there, which is what I'd asked her the night before. And everything was quiet until today.

Vulpa left with a friend who we'd called to take her out to lunch. At 2, her friends started arriving. I played games with them, making sure they had hiding places and knew the cue. Then the doorbell rang and we all scrambled to get in place. 

I opened the door, smiling widely. "Hi, Vulpa!"

"SURPRISE!"

She never knew what was coming. "What the--?!" she said, but there was a smile on her face. I just interrogated her, and she says that she thought she was hallucinating.

We watched How to Train Your Dragon and ate chips and drank soda. We had cake, laughed a ton, played games and opened presents. It was really ... amazing, actually. Her friends are loud and crazy and the kind of un-self-conscious person I wasn't in sixth grade, like they all are.

You know, I kind of missed that.

So I took out my Taylor Swift piano book and played songs from Speak Now, wondering about the song Never Grow Up. I miss a lot of what I used to be, like these fearless girls who are innocent and sweet and obnoxious but pure and perfect, and I'd love it if they stayed that way. The world needs less worrywarts like me and more people who are carefree and happy.

'Cause I miss playing silly and stupid drama games and sticking my tongue out. I miss laughing about everything and taking goofy pictures and sticking candles in the cake. All of which I did today, and you know, they say you can't ever go back.

But they're wrong.

:D

Nearly Old Times

I don't know why they call it the old times, because when you say "Oh the old times," that basically makes it sound like they were old and you got rid of them, but I LOVE my old times.

*cough* MOST of them.

I was thinking just barely about what to post about. So much has been going on and filling my days. That's what I love--when there's so much to write and talk about, instead of nothing, or just the bad stuff. 

This morning I had adventures of figuring out a way to keep waffles warm for Kahler. It was kind of her birthday present, I told her not to bring breakfast, and she kind of looked at me weird. Anyway, she was happy to accept them, even though they were a little soggy {I wiped the water out of the container, heated it and the waffles, and shoved it under the bus heater. They were warm when she got them}.

I read my book and wrote a lot during my TA period, and I felt bad that I wasn't doing anything and the teacher I TA for was doing all this junk, but it was okay. Then Georgie's friend came up to me just to talk and say how Georgie always talked about me and how I'm apparently a really cool person.

In History, we had a sub, which meant I finished my homework, got to listen to epic stories, and got free time to read some more.

Then in French, the fire alarm went off {I learned later that Stephen discovered it coming from a boy's bathroom} and we waited in the sunshine for forty minutes. That was one of the more bad old time parts, because the WHOLE TIME I was practically next to Pen's older brother. Not that he saw me of course.

I did walk by the Spanish classroom and see the inside of it, which I haven't since the last day of school last year ... which is why I walked quickly past it.

At lunch, I was surprised to be the first one outside ... except for Stephen and Fortune ... Seattle, who saw me walking quickly and broke into a run. I did too but he flopped his backpack down before I did, and I accused him of cheating.

He smiled, and we talked there after Stephen left, just the two of us. That hasn't happened for a long time, and having the sun shining on my back I felt kind of invincible, even though usually when these things happen I feel like crying 'cause I don't get them all the way back.

Then Danica came and talked and walked with me for lunch and we tried to interrogate Fortune out of a soccer ball. During science was another sub, and then we spent half an hour playing games. Fortune sat next to me, which was really funny because I could make him laugh with what I wrote or said or drew.

And now I'm talking to Seattle via gmail. What a day, right? What a day.

Not Just Me

Today wasn't too much of a good day.

I don't know what was with me, but by the time we were bowling in PE I was down down down. Usually I keep my spirits up, especially around Vanessa {who soaks it up when I'm not happy, because she's so good at everything}. But I was just sitting there or standing there trying not to cry. I'm not sure why. Maybe it was because of the shirt I'm wearing. Maybe it was because there was black light. Maybe it was because my smiles ran out.

Lately I've been feeling like that. I was talking to Georgie yesterday about how some things just don't change, like the way your heart skips a beat whenever you see him. Or the way his doesn't.

Or the way you cried yourself to sleep at night after fighting for what you want.

Sometimes I'm so tired I forget to smile, or just plain forget things.

For all you who don't know, you write ZAP
on the back of someone's hand along with a
time. Then you write a dare on their palm. If they
read the dare before the time {or if someone tells
them} then they have to do it. Have fun!

But after getting nothing done at lunch, things started going okay. The guy who sits next to me in Math {who's actually kinda good looking, if you see that in people, which I don't, especially because he dated* Di a while back} was probably watching me write a birthday letter to Kahler {whose birthday is tomorrow} and draw her a pretty epic picture, if I do say so myself. Anyway, he saw the ZAP on the back of my hand, and when it was 2:10, the time of the ZAP, he tapped me and said "Hey you can look at that now."

That meant a lot to me. Like, I know, if you've been staring at somebody's weird drawings all math you might as well be bored enough to see the time on the ZAP that Danica gave them. And notify them, while staring at your watch intently so you know the time.

*Di being far too young for dating

But that was cool. Then I went to a NJHS meeting, where I played Uno with many of my friends, including Liberty. It was really funny because after a couple of games, Kahler came to sit by me. I was sitting next to Liberty {with Kahler between us, I'm not really counting her for right now 'cause she wasn't playing} so I kept trying to make him lose ...

starting from when I had a +4. I put it down and then said "Hey Liberty, what color DON'T you have?"

He was like "Um," while Kahler leaned over and said "He has two greens and a yellow."


She leaned over again while I laughed. "Make that two yellows."

So I said "I pick blue then," but before he could draw, I picked up the next four cards, which were two blue two green.

"Nevermind, I choose red," I said, and gave the cards to Liberty, who was like "What the?" while everyone laughed.

Then a couple of rounds came and he didn't have any reds while it would always be red, so he'd have to keep drawing more. We had like an all out war before I had to leave ...

TO PASS OUT INVITATIONS TO MY LITTLE SISTER'S SURPRISE BIRTHDAY PARTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I can't believe my mother let me go through with this. I've been wondering if I should do one for a while. I've done two surprise birthday parties before and they were both for friends, but my little sis is always saying that she hasn't had one in a while and I think she's deprived, since I've had one almost every year since fourth grade, and she's had one ... once or twice, not for the past couple of years.

So I made invitations today, and then I called my mom during NJHS and she said yes! So she drove me to my sister's school and I passed them out secretively, and then we went to the library, where I spent an epic hour checking out books {hehehe 4 thick ones} and talking to Georgie via gmail {my library has everything}.

Then I came home and went out again with previously mentioned little sis for a pi day celebration.

Here's the thing: I don't like pie.

Yet ... I had pizza {pie}, berry pie, and chicken pot pie.

Now I feel fat. But hey, content. 'Cause Georgie handed me a note this morning. It said that sometimes, she stared up at the ceiling and thinks that she'd give anything to be somebody else.


"But then I think that I would take that all back because if I was somebody else, I wouldn't have you." Or something along those lines.

I was walking to Band this morning when I read that. I got tears in my eyes then, but it hasn't hit me 'till now that it's wrong for me to be thinking so much about myself and how I wish I could change because I hate most of me. 

See, I always miss the good parts.

Like Uno, and ZAPs and even getting to bowl during PE. Like Danica and Nash helping me, like Vanessa hugging me, like little sisters and secrets they won't find out 'till Saturday. 

Like Georgie.

Frustrations Can Be Fixed

Did you know that life can be super super frustrating sometimes?

Probably. But I'm happy to say that it can get better!

Okay, so today I was being super frustrated. First there was the fact that I had to use a copy machine today while TA'ing. I don't know about you, but copy machines are like evil creatures that somehow don't like to be tamed. First I grab somebody who knows how to do it who turns out to have no knowledge whatsoever {and used me as an excuse to get out of class}. Said person stood around while I rushed around getting help. Then the person who was supposed to be helping us left us to deal with problems of the paper jamming up and us not knowing how to fix it.


Thus I returned to the classroom crestfallen with 34 copies instead of 80. Well, there's always next time.

Then during French, I realized that I missed a lot of stuff while I was absent on Monday, which was totally not what I was expecting, seeing as I usually do nothing during French. So I got this packet of verbs in all these weird tenses, and I had to make a presentation, which I'll have to finish tonight or tomorrow night. -_-

At lunch, we had a senator meeting to make a dance for the upcoming assembly, which I've spent the past week choreographing. But not many people showed up {and they all showed up kinda late} so I didn't even get halfway through teaching, and not everyone showed up. Then we realized that we need a time to teach this to the people in our grade, and that our English teacher will only give us 15 minutes.

Nothing was resolved by the time the bell rang, and frustratedly I walked to Science, where I was busy making a fool of myself in this way:

So there's this one guy that I liked that I can't stop liking, and I get so mad whenever he doesn't talk to me or look at me or things like that. But then today when he kept coming up to me, I'd be as frank and quick as possible and walk away and I was SO MAD at myself. Oh, and at him too.

When I got home, I wasn't in a good mood. It's one of those days when the whole world is against you, especially that one guy who WALKED AWAY!!!! 'Cause, you know, it's totally okay for you to walk away, but not him.

But then Georgie called me and we talked for 56 almost 57 minutes, and she made me realize that things can get better. Then I went back through the events of my day. Although I'd forgotten to give a pack of mint gum and my letter to Georgie, I'd talked to her for a long time. And with the dance thing? My Science teacher has agreed to let us do the dance thing during his class, which is SO PERFECT! So now we don't have to worry about dang English teacher. {Well, not dang English teacher, just mildly-frustrating in our case.}

And who cares about copy machines anyway? Those dang things.

The Jury's Out. My Choice is You

I just got off of a really long phone call with Georgie. Actually, that isn't near the record of our long phone calls. It didn't even feel long. That's because it was the kind of fast one where hours or minutes pass by and you don't know because you're talking. It's like one of those late night talks when the subject swerves from lightheartedness like blond people, loving crushes' noses, and arm hair--to something serious like friends.

Idea borrowed from my lovely blogger friend Bright.

Don't get me wrong, friends aren't too much of a problem. I'm no longer having to find my way with who is who, but I'm worried that's what others are going through. Especially when you have somebody like me who sits on the edge of the crowd knowing how bad it feels, and somebody like Georgie who walks to the edge of the crowd to sit with someone like me. 

We know the scoop; people can't hide.

{Can you believe it? Ours just came on my Pandora. Weird.}

But seriously, I'm just so sick of hearing these stories. "Oh, so-and-so is the most likely of us to be gay." Well, just because he has girly handwriting and crosses his legs and cares about his hair doesn't mean he's gay. He's less gay than anybody I know. He may have some girl aspects but he is completely a BOY. "Oh, so-and-so is a girl." Don't judge somebody on their haircut.

Like, how can someone get away with being a selfish jerk when other people can't even get away with nice handwriting? What kind of a world is this? I realized when I was talking to Georgie about this today that people judge, no matter how much we try and promise that we won't.

I want to fix these things so bad.

But I'm so glad I have somebody like Georgie on my side. I'm proud to have her as a best friend. Sure, she has her faults, like the eyelashes we talked about {although those aren't really a fault}. But she is so sweet. She was telling me about this disabled kid in second grade {? I think} who she helped out because nobody was his friend and he was super sweet.

She woulda done that even if he wasn't sweet. Do you know what I did in second grade? Thought I was good and moped because nobody else did. 

So I'm going to learn from the people around me, and teach what I can. I've been getting out of my own storms, but I need to help other people too.

Survivin'

Today is back in one of those days when you're like BLEH. But somehow, I've managed to be less BLEH and more like, say, bleh.

That's because I've been busy. I spent four + hours on a bus today to a math competition, which was not fun, but it meant I got a lot of thinking time and talking with Juniors time. Which mostly includes questions about what I'm planning to do as a freshman {AP classes, etc.}. 

I was thinking How do people handle all this work?! 

But I realized when I got home that I like being busy.

I like ticking things off of lists, and I like worrying and freaking out but making progress. Because I'm doing many things right now. I'm reading a book and typing and working on Georgie's birthday present and planning on how I'm going to track down my teachers tomorrow and how I'm going to plan the dance and yell at somebody.

It's ... great. It's survivin', 'cause I've got many things to live for.

Worst of the Best and Best of the Worst

Dang, "worst," is such a weird word I'm just staring at it wondering.

So today was the State Mathcounts competition, of which my team got fifth place. AKA not even those crazy pointy medals! Not that we deserved it. I completely sucked. Maybe it was because I got up at 6:30, but it's not like I don't do that every school day. 

The lesson I learned from that is that I'm definitely not as good at math as I may fool myself. And that was a little second-guessing thing there, because I realized ... I'm not that good at anything.

Sure, I can draw. But there are so many people I know {even Violet} who are better than me or just as good. I don't draw much anymore, because I can't find much motivation to, even with my new sketchbook and colored pencils. I can't touch anything. 

Like with writing. I've been trying so hard to keep writing stories like I used to, but they just stopped. And there are so many people better at writing than me. I'm not even that good, and I can't write a persuasive essay anymore.

What about music? I can write a song, but when you think about it, I'm so immature when it comes to that and I'm never going to be good as people are.

Those are probably my best traits there. Here and there there's stuff I can do. I can argue, but I can't think fast. I can play sports, but I'm a klutz. 

"Would you rather be the worst of the best or the best of the worst?" is a common question everyone stumps each other on.

Great, I'm both.

"You're empathetic," says Danica in her latest gift to me. I looked it up because, after all, my spellingness doesn't include definitions. It means I know what people are going through ... i.e. I understand.

Probably because I've been through it before. There's not much that hasn't happened to me.

So Georgie calls me on the phone, and can tell by the way I say "Hey," that I'm not feeling so good. I tell her it's just one of those weird groggy days, and she's like "I totally know, right?" and phrases exactly what I'm feeling.

I nod and think I'm not the only empathetic, either.